No interest in sex

*a*

So I am in a longterm, living together relationship with a brilliant bf. I love him to bits and think he is attractive etc etc etc but I have zero interest in sex and I feel so guilty. I love spending time together, hugs etc but no sex drive. I have thought long and hard about this (which is possibly the problem - over thinking) and I do find him attractive, I dont want to be with anyone else I just have no interest.

For the first couple of years all was well until I got injured with put a dampener on things (and it took a while to heal) and since then it has gone downhill. This is completely my fault but I don't know what to do about it! We have sex maybe once a month (if he is lucky) and sometimes it is enjoyable for a little while but it doesn't hold my interest.

It is all in my head and I know this, and we have tried talking about it, with me promising to try hard but then I slip back into the same old pattern.....

I am not sure what kind of advice I am looking for....I just don't know what to do because I know it upsets him, and even if we are having sex I think he can tell I'm not really into it.....I think his ego is taking a bashing which it shouldn't be doing!

I see posts here all of the time from people of the other end of this problem and I really want to make this better....

I just feel useless and sad that I am hurting him...

FYI he is the only person I have ever slept with

thanks

Taltos

*a* wrote: »

.... I feel so guilty. ... no sex drive. I have thought long and hard about this (which is possibly the problem - over thinking) and I do find him attractive, ... I just have no interest.

... I got injured with put a dampener on things (and it took a while to heal) and since then it has gone downhill. ...t it doesn't hold my interest.

It is all in my head and I know this, ....... but then I slip back into the same old pattern.....

Have you gone for help on this.
The fact that you are talking about falling into old patterns jumped out at me. You might have a very real medical condition or even a psychological one. But FGS go and seek some professional help.

Sex can be a very important part of a relationship - however it doesn't always need to be, as each relationship is different. Bravo for coming on here to seek advice, that is wonderful - but I think you really need to go and seek professional help or seek a referral from your GP. Bring all the facts with you - note them down so you can respond - eg when did you have the injury - what complications - how freq do you have sex - what happens - etc etc.

Peggypeg

Hey hey,

I hear you, I've gone through this. I was like that for a good while but I'm now back on form. I think alot of it was stress, I just wasn't in the mood at all and then a while back some issues resolved and the stress went away and my sex drive came back. Have a good think about it and see maybe if there's areas of your life that stress you and maybe work on sorting that out. Or, you could go to the health food shop and ask about something to increase sex drive, i've heard of a herb before that's very good for this "horny goats beard" or something like that, I'm not making that up by the way. Anyway yeah, it's a difficult problem I know, you should defo take care that you don't ruin your bf's confidence, I know I would freak if my bf went off sex.

Hope it works itself out soon.

wexford202

Hi OP

Most relationships go through this kind of thing.

I went trhough it before and then I said to myself just cop on he has needs too. I made a promise to myself that I would put the efoort in every second night which can be quite regular if you are together for so long.

Some nights at first I wasn't in the mood but did it anyway and then I just came back around to having a good sex drive again.

*a*

Thanks guys....maybe it is stress - but changing stresses (I was working full-time and studying part time for two years), followed by travelling and now unemployment and chronic illness - although the illness was always there but is getting worse!

I tried to ask my GP once but got embarrassed and skipped past it (stupid I know). I will try that herb stuff and see how it goes!

Thanks again, this has really been bugging me

SarahSassy

What is your OH saying about it all?

Am not saying you should ever have sex against your will but sometimes if you just run with it you can get into it and enjoy it.

wexford202

SarahSassy wrote: »

What is your OH saying about it all?

Am not saying you should ever have sex against your will but sometimes if you just run with it you can get into it and enjoy it.

I know what your saying. It probably doesn't read PC but does make sense. It worked for me. I was just gone lazy.

Wibbs

wexford202 wrote: »

I went trhough it before and then I said to myself just cop on he has needs too. I made a promise to myself that I would put the efoort in every second night which can be quite regular if you are together for so long.

Some nights at first I wasn't in the mood but did it anyway and then I just came back around to having a good sex drive again.

I read only recently that lots of research seems to suggest that simply by having sex you'll want more, so long as there's no underlying physical/psychological problem.

*a*

my OH is very supportive and doesn't push the issue but I know it effects him. When he put on the moves I correspond according - I wouldn't say no to him - but I think he realises that I amn't really into it so doesn't push it that often!

The other problem is that due to the illness I have chronic pain and so it often uncomfortable - back, legs, sick tummy etc so that isn't helping! Maybe pop some painkillers first!!!!

I will try and hop him more often and hope to get into the swing of things!

SarahSassy

*a* wrote: »

I will try and hop him more often and hope to get into the swing of things!

Fair play to you.. Try the herbs too (ginseng also is supposed to be good for that) and just make the effort - you could be very pleasantly surprised.

sunshine007

Sounds so corny, but treat yourself to some sexy lingerie etc If you look the part, it will help you to feel the part too! Sometimes these things can be all in the mind... I have been there before.... It can be just as simple as falling into a rut .. or it seems like a chore etc. If you change the way you think about it, that really can help with things...Try different approaches to it.. . You try the initiating for a change... you might surprise yourself :eek: lol

Wibbs

Good point from sunshine007. As you've said he's the only guy you've been with, so maybe there's an element of not sure what to do next kinda thing. A lacking in self confidence sexually maybe? Even a bit of "is that it now?" going on too.

Although the usual research stuff that comes out I often take a cynical view to, that idea that the more you do it, the more you want to do it I think has a lot of validity.

It's happened to me in the past too, where I wasn't that pushed. Now usually I took that as an indication that there may be something amiss in the relationship and hell yes sometimes it was, but I now know I was wrong to ascribe that as always the problem and that's not the only reason.

I just wasn't firing on all cylinders at the time. Stress, worn out etc. I will say for me personally at least that effort to get jiggy, even when I wasn't that pushed did work and soon enough the blood was up again. In spades.

I completely agree with wexford202 on that and her methods. Although planning for jiggy time may sound counterproductive and unromantic, it worked for me. The time set aside and the effort paid off. It really did. I dont have much truck with the notion of "having to do it" and "that's not on" either. That goes for both genders. If you're a man and you're leaving your partner out of the loop, then figure out why and try to sort it(if the relationship is good otherwise). Ditto for a woman. It's not a chore or a genderist topic or at least it shouldn't be.

LegacyUser

Ok just a warning - be careful if you thinking of taking herbs and pain killers at the same time. some herbs can interact with meds.

sorry my reading of this is probably all wrong - did you get injured during sex ?

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok just a warning - be careful if you thinking of taking herbs and pain killers at the same time. some herbs can interact with meds.

+1 Please check with your GP first.

*a*

No, the injury wasn't related to that, but it did involve 9 painkillers a day for a while to make it manageable and even then it was quite sore. The pain is still around but now I don't really need painkillers for it, now its just usually an uncomfortable feeling in my back - its just that sex etc make it worse again and then it is bad and I cannot really move around

I did buy some nice stuff a year ago....its still in the press but that is more a self confidence issue.....I am going to start working on this properly now and whip out the good stuff:D

shellyboo

*a* wrote: »

No, the injury wasn't related to that, but it did involve 9 painkillers a day for a while to make it manageable and even then it was quite sore. The pain is still around but now I don't really need painkillers for it, now its just usually an uncomfortable feeling in my back - its just that sex etc make it worse again and then it is bad and I cannot really move around

I did buy some nice stuff a year ago....its still in the press but that is more a self confidence issue.....I am going to start working on this properly now and whip out the good stuff:D

OP, your situation sounds a lot like one I was in, except I didn't have the illness issue! Our sex life just literally stopped. In my case, I think it was boredom, and that boredom was actually my fault because I wouldn't try new things, for whatever reason.

Looking back now, I can see that I made no effort at all to be sexy for him or feel sexy, and that was unfair. In my case, we ended up breaking up (not just over that), but I think that if we *had* wanted to work at it, expanding our sexual horizons would have been the way to go. Try making small steps towards that and see how it feels for you - if you can get back some of the excitement of sex, it might spark a reawakening of your sex drive.

kjl

OK havent read all the responses,

Are you on the pill, some girls have a negative side effect when taking the pill which is diminished sex drive. If this is the case you could stop taking the pill for a while and see if it comes back, if it does you could consider getting a coil implant, no hormone imbalance and just as safe.

Splendour

Hi OP,

did you have a better sex drive before your injury and illness? Chances are the two are related.