BF with commitment issue/phobia

sunshine2009

Hi there
Has anyone come across this situation before - I'm confused and don't know what to think. I feel I've been led into a false sense of security and love.

Loopsie

my now ex (due to his relationship phobias) continues even still now to tell me that i am the one he wants to settle with for life but cant bring himself yet to settle, he is 'SCARED' that that will be it..........so IMHO tell him to FCUK OFF!!!! kick him to the curb and move on to someone who doesnt have baggage and has maturity rather than someone who behaves like they do..........these type of guys never change and im living testiment to it, i went round in circles for years!

sunshine2009

how did it pan out for you?

Loopsie

well ive only just recently done it in the last few weeks, its killing me being honest with you but luckily i have great friends and a great sister for support, i would give anything for him to be the person i want him to be but i dont think he ever will and i had to put myself first.........im not happy without him but hopefully that will change in time but i wasnt happy with him either and i couldnt spend the rest of my life waiting for him to make his mind up

sunshine2009

did you attend councilling? did he? I'm hoping that this is something we can work out

Loopsie

we were almost 2 years together........i did think about counselling and possibly still would go myself as i do feel very affected after the messiness. I honestly think men like him will wake up one day and be in the mid 40 and get a shock and then might settle down and i really hate to be the bearer of bad news but if you value yourself walk away. If its meant to be it will be and as the old saying goes if you love something let it go if it comes back it yours.............
have you talked to him about it?? and what are his reasons?

sunshine2009

We've been together 6 months, was very intense intially - was swept of my feet tbh, he filled me full of love, romance and moved in early on. i've met his family (who are in the uk) and we've made plans to move to the UK for a number of reasons. We've had some intamcy issues - basically have had none for a long time. I believed it to be anxiety that he suffers from and tried to be the understanding, supportive GF but can't help but think now that this is all releted. His commitment issue was brought up on hols last week and I was devasted because I felt i was given a false sense of reality of how we were as a couple. He felt he couldn't tell me and kinda locked his fear away hoping it would go away. I'm glad its come to a head and he's hoping that he can work through this issue. I'm 31 and he's 40 and I know he wants to eventually settle down to a family. I'm going to see a counciller tonight and he's going to talk to someone too - so i have to hold judgement until I learn more of how complicated this really is. I can't help but feel conned

Loopsie

i dont blame you, you have invested yourself into something for the last 6 mths thinking it was going somewhere.......as much as people can give you advice i know all too well that the only advice you will take is the one you want......
It takes a hell of alot to walk away and id love to tell you its gets easier and hopefully it does as i said im a few weeks now out of it and yes every day its gets a tiny bit easier, it still breaks my heart and everytime i see a car like his my heart is in my mouth but the most important person in your life is you and you need to make sure you are happy. If he is genuine with his feelings he would travel the world and back to have you.

sunshine2009

thanks loopsie

I had a talk with my councellor last night and feel alot better about it all. She said that committment issues is a form of anxiety with brian it could be deep routed. He's agreed to go an have some sessions with her so hopefully this can be worked out. If he has root founded doubts not to commit with me in particular then I want out now before my heart is messed up further.

I think you're doing great and im sure it is very hard for you - lets stay in touch.

have you met anyone since?

sunshine2009

oh also did you find that you guys had intamcy issues?

Loopsie

morning
im so glad you feel better..........only time will tell uif he is serious but at least you are both taking the proper steps towards making things work....its taking responsibility for your actions! Well done!
I havent met anyone since and i doubt i will for a long time (i know that may sound pessimistic) i dont think right now i have the strength to go through something again and im terrified being honest with you. I have a lovely life with the best friends and family i could ask for, a great job i love and that is secure, i live in my own beautiful apt with one fo my best friends so im very thankful for all that and i think i should probably take some time out away from men! Myself and my flatmate were considering speed dating but i dont think i could deal with having to make chit chat with someone i staright off probably have no interest in!!!!!!!!!! A holiday would be the perfect cure for me right now so i had better start doing the lotto more!!!!

Loopsie

we actually had a fantastic sex life!! But he would blow hot and cold, one week he was like a dog in heat and couldnt get enough and then nothing for another week or two.........i questioned was he getting it somewhere else

Exon

Why don't you just say we either settle down a bit more or we cut all contact?

And take any other answer other than yes as a no!

Splendour

sunshine2009 wrote: »

Hi there
Has anyone come across this situation before - I'm confused and don't know what to think. I feel I've been led into a false sense of security and love.

Hi sunshine,

six months isn't a long time in a relationship to think about settling down.
Also imo, and you won't like this, he would commit to you if he really was into you.
I went out with a someone for two and a half years and I too thought he had commitment issues. Couple of weeks after we broke up he met someone else and was engaged the following year-so no commitment issues there!

Toodles09

Sunshine.....i am kinda in the same boat too. Ex is struggling with settling down. Have been through rough few weeks but I'm getting better, realise it's his problem and if he can't cope then I guess I can't hold out hope any longer. We are still in contact due to work and he knows that I'm now not hanging about any longer for him. Of course I'm still a bit sad but there are better things in life than him. Get yourself out and about, meet the girls, do all those things you've been meaning to do. I know it's hard but you'll get stronger. If he can't deal with his phobias then that is his problem....look at it as being his loss. x

Gyalist

OP, exactly what are you expecting him to commit to after just six months?

LegacyUser

I sympathise with everyone who posted here. I recently called time on a 2yr relationship when i finally accepted it was never gonna go anywhere.

It's a horrible feeling to love someone so much, but never feel secure and safe with them.

When it came to the crunch my bf told me flat out he has commitment issues, it's so infuriating as we get on so so well and i've never felt like this about anyone and he claims i am without doubt the best girlfriend he has ever had...so WTF is the problem.... I find myself questioning my own worth because of it...i.e. Why am I "Miss Right for now but not Miss Right" Have ended up with him a couple of times since we split, which is just making it worse so i have vowed not to do that again.

I'm terrified that he is going to meet someone and suddenly everything will just click into place and he'll realise what true love is and settle down no problems. Is "commitment phobe" just an easy way of telling us "you're great for the moment but not the type of person i see myself settling down with"....

Greyfox

unregistered wrote: »

Why am I "Miss Right for now but not Miss Right"
QUOTE]

Lot's of girls out their are viewed by their boyfriends as been "Miss Right for now but not miss right" but lots of men find it far better to be in a relationship with a great girl that's not the one then to be single, for a lot of men the prospect of knowing that you can never have sex with a different women again for the rest of your life is very, very scary!

I also think talking of commitment after 6 months is crazy