Am I being unreasonable here?

LegacyUser

I was back home visiting my parents a week ago (it's a 300 mile round trip). My father broke out the lawnmower, and I could see that he was struggling with it. I stepped in, took over and did the mowing for him, and he was most appreciative of the deed.

A little background info. He went through a quad bypass eight years ago. He's now 71, and I think it's high time he hung up his lawnmowing boots for good. Now, he's a proud man and takes great pride in the appearance of his garden. His first reaction to me cutting the grass for him was, "but you don't know how I like it!".

We sat down to some lunch afterwards and he thanked me again for the help, and jokingly said that I "could come back next weekend and do it again". I told him I'd be back in two weeks to do it again, and that next week my brother could do it for him.

So, yesterday I sent a text to my brother outlining the proposal, and asked him would he help out by doing alternate weeks with me. Well, seven hours after sending the initial texts and several reminder texts looking for a response, I received the following... "You can come home and cut it if ya want to, dad's still fit enough to do it if ya ask me, and he loves cuttin it anyway."

Well, I was livid! First because I guess the brother seems to think that cutting his own lawn is enough work for himself to be doing. Second that he seems to think that the old man is only unfit to do the job when he finally keels over the mower. And thirdly, he seems to be perfectly happy for me to drive three hours each way to do an hours job when he wont even drive five minutes over the road to do it.

I guess I'm just here to vent, and it's good to do that at least, but I wouldn't mind hearing a few suggestions. Should I just suck it up and do the 300 mile round trip every weekend and do whatever heavy work needs doing, or should I persist and try to make the brother see sense?

LegacyUser

I dont think it is unreasonable to help out your parents to do any task, especially strenous ones, as they get older. They may be too proud to ask for help but they might really appreciate the help.
Sounds as though your brother either doesn't want to take on the lawnmowing job or doesn't want to take it away from your dad. Is it a big lawn?
Making a 300 mile round trip to mow the lawn is a bit much to undertake. Have you considered getting a person in to cut it every week or ten days? Maybe your brother would be willing to share the cost? Though it sounds like your dad might like a stranger less than a family member doing the job.
The lawn mowing season is coming to a close for this year in a month or so. If ye dont resolve the issue by then, maybe you can sort something in time for the first cuts in the spring.

Toots

I'd wait until you calm down and then phone him and explain how much it takes out of your dad. Tell him how appreciative your dad was today when you cut the grass for him. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think your offer to do it every second week is very generous. Does grass actually need to be cut every week though? How about if you took it fortnight about instead; ie you go and cut it, then two weeks later your brother does it, then two weeks after that you go and so on. That way realistically you'll each only be doing it once a month and the grass will still be done.

R.D. aka MR.D

Your not being unreasonable at all.

Do you think your brother was being lazy or do you just think he really thinks your dad is ok?

it can be hard to deal with the fact that people are getting older and weaker and the inevitable consequnces of old age. He might just be in denial.

Or are there issues in your family that might mean he feels that he shouldn't have to?

Definitly have a chat to him and find out the reasons and unless the reason is that hes just lazy then don't be too hard on him. Just explain your point of view.

Dean820

He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. The grass will be grand and short with you cutting it every two weeks.

Terodil

I don't know if 'relieving' your dad of the lawnmowing is actually a good idea. I can only speak from personal experience of course, but my dad is 70 now too, and he loves working in the garden. It keeps him on the move, he's outside in the fresh air, he loves the green... I think if I offered to mow the lawn for him, he would really take it as an insult

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that a *little* physical activity is good for anybody. Does your father do other things around the garden? Does he go out much? Maybe it would be a better option to get a better lawnmower? Maybe one of those self-propelling ones?

Taltos

I have differing opinions on this.

1. Your brother is a prat.
2. Your dad could really be enjoying this.

However - the fact that he joked you could come back shows that maybe just maybe he is looking for help and is glad of your assistance. So you need to tread carefully here that you do not make him feel less of a man.

Talking about something like this with your brother by txt though? Come on - did you honestly expect any different kind of reply? What context could you give him - how could you let him know how grateful your dad was?

Maybe consider continuing to help - even call out next weekend even if it is so far away on some other excuse. If your dad wheels out the mower for you or makes some other comment then you will know.
Or you might consider with your brother contributing to a self-powered motor - if there are loads out there that will basically pull your dad around the garden so he will not have to man-handle them - but if you go that route balance to that the weight of the machine when turned off.
Another option is a small, light cylinder mower - if taken out ever 3 or 4 days it is ideal to let the grass lie where falls to feed the lawn - so no collecting and no bins.

My mum is a bit like your dad - she used to insist on mowing the lawn herself (used to really annoy me) - now though she pays one of her neighbours to do this for her- despite us being able to do it. In her eyes it is all about independence - maybe this is all your dad wants too... Not to feel reliant on his kids....

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses guys. It's good to see some perspectives on the matter.

To flesh things out a little. He really is a perfectionist when it comes to the manicuring of his lawns and hedge. The mowing is only a small part of the work he does on it. There is a small lawn to the front of the house and a large lawn to the side. What I'm proposing doing is taking over the mowing of the large lawn only. It's a self-drive mower, but has to be lifted down/up a set of steps leading to the lower lawn. This in itself is a very heavy job. The steps were replaced a couple of months ago, and at the time I suggested to him that he have a concrete ramp put in instead, but he 'didn't think it would look right', so I didn't push the matter.

Leaving cuttings behind on the lawn, while being something that a lot of folks do (and something with which I would have no hesitation doing myself), is not an option as that just 'wouldn't look right' either.

Like I said, there's plenty else that he does that I'm not considering stopping him from doing. Mowing the top lawn, edging that lawn, trimming the hedges and tidying up the mess with his leaf blower/sucker.

The heavy work is no longer an option for him though. You're right in that I have to tread carefully in how it's handled. I don't want to make him feel any less of a man. I'll go and do the big lawn for him next weekend, and then I'll go and have a chat with the brother. I'm sure we'll be able to come to some sort of agreement on this (and yes, texting him was the wrong way to handle it, but it's really the only way we ever talk lately). Maybe between us we might buy him a ride-on mower for the large lawn. Thanks again for all your input and affirmations.

thefeatheredcat

Wow, I read that from a different perspective.

I think you're over reacting.

I read his response like he was asking you nicely to back off on the idea.


Your dad sounds like he takes pride in the garden and probably proud too that he is still fit to continue with it. Maybe he hasn't given into old age and you taking over the mowing, while a lovely gesture, made him feel like he was no longer capable to do it himself.

Anyway, don't be too hasty in actions, maybe let the dust settle on it. I hope it all works out positively.