Kindest way to break up?

Sineadg

Ive been seeing this guy for the past 2 months. Really really nice gentle guy, but very vulnerable and fragile at the moment. He's in recovery from addiction to drink and is just getting his life back on track this year. He has confided so much in me, but I know now that I dont want to see him any more, as he is just not my type, although I do love him for the lovely person that he is. He has always done the pursuing so its really hard. So he is gone on holidays for a week and when he comes back I know I need to break up, so please help? I've been out of this game a long time. What's the kindest way to break up and what could I say that would make it easier. AS he lives in a different county and we dont have any mutual friends I am unlikely to bump into him ever again. What if I were to say my ex of several years asked me back out? Or I was just too busy with kids and work? Or I felt like I was neglecting the kids. Or my kids didnt approve? Is there anyway of doing this where he wont take it personally. Also when he texts now should I reply as normal and not ruin his holiday or should I be a bit cool and let him know whats in store? Also when he rings/txts me to meet up, what do I say? Again do I act a bit cool or not? Also would it be wrong to say look if u ever need a friend to talk to I'm here for you. I dont have a clue how to do this. I feel so bad about it. I would really appreciate some advice.

star-pants

Personally I wouldn't make up anything, it's only 2 months, you're not feeling it, just be honest.
As for replying to him, being a little cooler/taking a bit more time to respond might not be the worst idea, I always knew it was coming when guys did that to me.
Just be honest and polite - that's what anyone deserves

Nervous Wreck

In this type of situation, honesty is always the best policy. Thinking up convoluted excuses to 'cushion the blow' never works. Just tell him that you've thought it over and you don't think the relationship is the right fit for you. Make sure to tell him the good things you think about him too but none of this crap about your ex, as that would be a little hurtful. Don't delude yourself; he will be hurt. But you can dictate whether it'll be an amicable hurt or a wrathful one. Sounds like you've his best interests at heart in this so continue with the honesty. Good luck with it.

Sineadg

OK thanks so much for taking the time to reply and for the advice. Yeah looks like I will just have to go for the truth! Dreading this so much...

star-pants

I know it's not nice, but really being honest with him will do him better than making something up. Best of luck

Dean820

Avoid him for a few days then he'll know something is up and won't be suprised when you tell him how you feel honestly.

Virgil°

Dean820 wrote: »

Avoid him for a few days then he'll know something is up and won't be suprised when you tell him how you feel honestly.

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why would you prolong his ordeal?
Make it quick and honest tbh.

The Real B-man

Virgil° wrote: »

Whatever you do, do NOT do this. Why would you prolong his ordeal?
Make it quick and honest tbh.

+1 Teenagers Act like this!

Wibbs

The way I see it is this, when I realise a relationship is over, that part is my decision and I have to live with that, but I realise more that the other person likely does not see this coming so I don't care about any guilt or embarrassment I may feel, I look to them first. I look to making it easier for them. Most who worry about this are more worried about how awkward it makes them feel, not how the other person feels. You have it hard given his addiction issues etc, but there are ways to make it easier long term for him.

Tell him straight. Do not do the avoidance thing it's emotionally cowardly. Don't say anything approaching "you never know down the line/maybe in the future". Utter crock and again emotionally cowardly. Don't suggest "lets's be friends". They may go for it out of emotional panic and hope, but it's a downgrade and you know it and so do they. Do not fall for emotional blackmail on their part. The "but I'll die/be alone/heartbroken without you". Do it somewhere neutral, not their place. Break contact and be strong about that. It will help both move on quicker.

I don't envy you and it's never easy, but you can make it easier. Good luck anyway.

Sineadg

Break contact and be strong about that. It will help both move on quicker.[/quote]

That's one of the really hard bits isn't it... the breaking of all contact, especially when u ve just got to know someone intimately. I have to say I was tempted to say we can still keep in touch but yeah I think you are right, it's a false hope if the other person feels differently about the relationship. Thanks for all the other helpful tips. I havent done the deed yet as he is away on hols till the weekend, but fingers crossed all will be well in the end.

LegacyUser

hello,
just wondering how you got on? Iam in a similar situation as yourself, and when I read your post and replies. It helped me to come to the same conclusion as you. However, Ive yet to meet up (he's been away now for a few weeks) and tbh iam really feeling awful about the whole thing.

Sineadg

I'm afraid I have no words of comfort for you. It was horrible and I still just cringe when I think about it but the only good thing is that it's done. He was very shocked and hurt, as he wasn't expecting it.I don't want to go into details just in case, as I should have gone unregistered for this. I just said we weren't a good fit (as someone here advised) and we didnt want the same things out of life. I did chicken out of the 'no more contact thing' because it just felt like the right thing to say at the time. And to be honest I don't regret it because I did make it clear that there would never be a relationship there.I just said look maybe we can still be friends in the future and he said that would be good but he hasn't contacted me since (last weekend). I wish you all the best with it but it will hurt but I suppose the sooner its done the kinder it is!

username123

I was always the worst breaker upper ever - I just hated hurting someones feelings.

But as I got older I got a bit better at it, and my 'kind' method involved:

Cut straight to the chase, as soon as Ive made the decision I endeavour to meet and tell the other person asap, usually a call with me saying 'i need to see you to speak about something, when suits' or if it was gonna be done over the phone Id open the conversation with it and not wait any time for meaningless chit chat.

Then Id word mostly as follows:
"Listen, youre a sound person, like you a lot, just not feeling the bf/gf chemistry, no reflection on you as a person, just rather leave things but thanks for a nice time, would prefer not to stay in contact at least at first, feel bad about hurting your feelings, need some space, maybe in the future we can be friends, but right now best to leave it. Sorry for hurting your feelings, no doubt youre pi$$ed off, thats ok, but cant continue like this as im not being true to myself or you and thats not fair on either of us, sure you would prefer a girl who was totally digging you and unfortunately that girl is not me, shame and all that, but thats life.
Hope all goes well for you, bye."

Objectively you have to see that break ups happen and if the relationship was short lived its not the worst thing to ever happen to a person, if youre not digging it, youre not digging it - end of. Person gets over it and moves on, we have all been on both sides of the situation.

Oh and dont be feeling bad over it, you have to look after number 1 as well, youre not being mean, youre just being honest.

opinion guy

well done sinead on just being honest. no doubt he is hurting - but thats inevitable. And normal - since you seem like a nice person and he liked you. But at least since you were straight up with him he will feel respected and things are clear for him (and actually I think that odds of ye eventually being friends if ye want to are much better this way)

Trust me the worst way to reject someone is to be "nice". Having received the 'nice' form of rejection more than once I can tell you its nothing short of confusing, torturous, wrecked friendships and anything but nice. And I am always reminded of a good friend whom I liked - I once told her, she looked me dead in the eye and she just said "I don't like you". it was initially a shock but 2 minutes laters i was like - hmm ok fair enough and we have remained good friends ever since. no confusions. sorted. in fact i probably have one of my most open friendship in terms of all things adult with her now.

hmm i also think its good you didn't say - we can't be friends. my reasons for saying this are complex, but in short - its kind of unnecessary dramatics that add stress and are largely meaningless since whether you would be friends or not in future has as much to do with circumstances as anything else.

Sineadg

opinion guy wrote: »

hmm i also think its good you didn't say - we can't be friends. my reasons for saying this are complex, but in short - its kind of unnecessary dramatics that add stress and are largely meaningless since whether you would be friends or not in future has as much to do with circumstances as anything else.

Opinionguy I think you summed it up well there. I think it would have added to the drama/stress if I had insisted no more contact ever. But it is still largely meaningless because, even though I did very sincerely mean it at the time when I said there's nothing to stop us being friends in the future, I know now if he ever texted/rang looking to meet up I would say no because I would be afraid it would only open up the can of worms again. (And I could not go though that a second time!!!) Chat on the phone or an odd text to see how one another is doing yes no problem but that would be all. In fact I would love to know now that he is OK but I just would not make contact. He lives about an hour and a half from me so it's unlikely we'll cross paths again too often. But I suppose u just have to go with your instinct on what the right thing to say or do is. Sometimes u just have to make a clean break. I've just been off the dating scene for so long, I felt I couldnt trust in my own instinct any more.