Info on NPD - Long Post

AMK

I was fascinated by the recent thread on NPD. I was involved for many years with somebody who displayed the following behaviour traits and have wondered if this could be NPD.

This person is completely without empathy. He simply cannot put himself in another persons shoes. When you get to know him, you can see the signs of it in his conversation e.g. on hearing a mutual acquaintance is now deaf, his response was 'I never liked him anyhow'. This is a mild example. It is difficult to get across the extent of this. It is ingrained in him and permeates everything.

He is not interested in talking about anything other than himself. Any discussion is brought back to him. I know we all do that to some degree, but this is 100%. He has no interest whatsoever in any conversation on a topic that doesn't relate to him and general topics are quickly brought around to him. He doesn't know how to converse - you get two words out and he interrupts and gets going again. If you disagree with him, or express a different opinion he takes it personally. He finds slights and insults in the mildest and most innocent of remarks. It is very important to him that you 'admit' that he is right about things. So if you agree with him about something, you have 'admitted' he is right as if the conversation was a competition.

He thinks he is better than other people. This manifests itself in mocking and sneering at other peoples views, tastes, opinions. If I watched a television programme that didn't interest him, it would never be enough to say 'I'm not too keen on that' or whatever. It would always be 'I wouldn't watch that trash' or 'I wouldn't be into anything that stupid'. If somebody does or has something he admires or likes, he denigrates it - 'it was easy for them', 'they've dumbed down the points since my day', 'Oh, you can be sure Daddy got him that job'. At the same time, he thinks people in some professions are way above the rest of the world. He always seemed to me to be eaten up with envy of people in certain jobs or situations. Consumed by it. He feels he is intellectually superior to other people and seems to think this in itself means he deserves more than life has given him. But he doesn't seem to think he should actually have to do anything that would make other people aware of this superiority. Somehow, it is supposed to be apparent without it being displayed.

He is incapable of compromise. Something is done his way or you've got your way on it. Drawing back or reaching middle ground means nothing. If it's not done the way he wants it, then you've got your way and he's 'lost'.

His contribution is worth much more than everybody elses. He views one piece of work by him as the equivalent of 5 or 6 pieces by anybody else. And his is always so much better.

He never admits to an error.

Any misbehaviour on his part is somebody else's fault.

He suffers from a continual feeling of victimisation. He speaks of his 'enemies' and believes people are out to get him. He frequently thinks people are talking about him or referring to him when they could have been referring to half a dozen people.

He has a dreadful temper and thinks nothing of shouting and raging. These bouts of temper are preceded by days/sometimes weeks/sometimes months of not talking, vibing bad humour, glaring, sulking, picking and finding fault with everything. When he finally blows, it is a litany of blame being thrown. This can be about anything and is not usually specific to the person he is raging at. For example, he wouldn't lose his temper the way somebody else might because you did something like being late, or burning the dinner. It would be because he is so unhappy and frustrated in his job (somebody else's fault), nobody appreciates his 'greatness' (his words), or the economic downturn - my fault, apparently! These bouts of shouting and verbal abuse are very frightening as he seems to be full of pent-up aggression. He goes red in the face with anger and could be heard at the end of the street. Also, he genuinely doesn't appear to be able to recall in full what he said when they are over.

The last I find difficult to describe. I can only describe it as sitting on the fence of his own life. He seems to suffer from this sense that he has no control whatsoever over the events of his life. This goes hand in hand with an apathy about taking any action or decisions about the things he is unhappy about. He likes to complain and blame but never takes any action. He finds day-to-day life a struggle, is often bored and fed-up.

What I've described are not traits that display themselves now and again. They are there, non-stop, all the time. There are other traits as well but these are the most obvious ones. Has anybody else come across this?

Kevster

Hi,

He could very well have been diagnosed with NPD if he had gone to a doctor, but I suggest that you don't venture too far along the path that you are currently on. THe path you are in danger of going further down is one where you begin to ascribe a mental disorder to everyone (and I think you'll find that this IS actually possible - i.e. virtually anyone could be diagnosed with something-or-another).

Why isn't everyone diagnosed though? - because they're happy in life and are getting on quite well, as - I'm sure - did this chap that you're referring. So, whilst he might have exibited NPD symptoms, I imagine that he was quite happy in life and this we cannot really question. I suggest spending as little time 'reminiscing' about this, and then swiftly leaving it in the past by moving on with your own life.

Kevin.

AMK

I suppose it does sound like I am trying to diagnose him but I'm not. I am a year out of my marriage to this man which lasted 15 years and we were married a long time before I faced up to the fact that his behaviour towards me wasn't acceptable. I never told anybody about it because if he found out I had been talking about him he would have been furious but since we split up I have told some family and one close friend about some typical and frequent incidents. They were genuinely shocked and said things like 'that isn't normal behaviour' or 'he has behaviour problems'. And once I came to grips with the fact that his behaviour wasn't acceptable, I started to ask myself why he behaved that way. So I started to look up information on the stuff that was bothering me and every third turn I seemed to end up on information on NPD. Yet loads of that didn't fit either. I think I'm trying to find an explanation for his behaviour and in trying to find it I keep getting pointed in this direction. I'm definitely not trying to ascribe a mental illness to him or to anybody else. It never occurred to me when I started to look into this first. At first I thought it was because our marriage had become so unhappy and it was only when I started looking into it I realised that there are loads of people out there who are unhappily married but they don't behave like that.

I am moving on with my life as best I can but I still can't help wondering why he behaves this way. I kind of feel it's part of putting the whole thing behind me. I know there may be no explanation. I just wondered if anybody had come across this type of behaviour before and if so was it connected to NPD.

Regarding him being happy in life - he has told me on more than one occasion that he is never happy. He told me once he feels it is his destiny to be unhappy and misunderstood. He often makes disparaging remarks about people who are happy on the lines that if they were a bit smarter they wouldn't be happy at all.

RossFixxxed

Maybe he's just depressed and that has made him turn inwards and lash out at anyone happy or any opinion he doesn't like. Maybe it causes him to believe he's smarter etc to cope with the fact he can't control/handle his life, maybe it's extreme anxiety.

The point is you can't diagnose, or know what's going on. Professionals are there to deal with this really. Either he goes for help or not. You can't force it. You can only move on and live your life, and make YOU happy.
r

Taltos

Really glad to hear you have gotten away from this guy.

However - as per the rest - why are you still trying to diagnose him?
Stop thinking about him and trying to figure out what it was that had him like this.

Instead spend your energy on something much more beneficial - YOU. Spend time figuring out what you want to do or whatever. Just put this guy out of your head - you have escaped and can now start planning to have a proper life.

Just make sure that you are never caught around him. With these rages I would personally be scared that he could lash out at whomever he blames for his ills - and based on what you describe that could well be you...

AMK

I took on board the comments made and realised that I have let myself get stuck thinking about this. I have thought about 'why' and I think it's because I see him all the time. We have a ten year old son and I see him several times a week as he is in and out of the house to collect him, deliver him home etc. This makes it very difficult for me to put him out of my mind.

Taltos, I don't feel as if I've truely escaped because I have so much contact with him. But I do have a great sense of relief because no matter what kind of humour he's in, he keeps it under check now. I can tell when there's something brewing with him and it is such a relief when he heads out the front door and however he deals with it it's nothing to do with me.

The other thing is that we are trying to sort out our financial affairs and I am finding this really hard. We tried to reach agreement ourselves but I couldn't carry on with this because I felt I was being pressurised into things that weren't equitable financially. We are now engaged in a collaborative law process to resolve matters and the honest truth is I'm really scared. I have posted on the legal forum to see if anybody has had any experience of this process, to maybe get some idea of what to expect. But I am really dreading having to sit down in a room with him to discuss money even with both solicitors present. I don't know why I'm so scared of it but when I think about it I get knots in the pit of my stomach. When this happens I seem to get trapped in reliving him shouting and raving at me and accusing me of things. However, the posts really made me think and I'm going to do my best to free myself from thinking about this stuff and move on.