Hormonal pregnant woman,or she just doesn't want me???

scouser19

Hi everyone.

Having a serious problem with my realationship with my pregnant girlfriend, and advice would be cool.

We are together almost a year, and are 4 months into the pregnancy. I totally love this girl to bits, and treat so well it's unreal...i promise. It's my first child, so obviously never experienced the "dreaded hormones" before, however, i was convinced i was totally ready for them. Big mistake!!! I'm a patient guy at the best of times, trust me.

I totally understand the changes in the body and how hard it is for girls both emotionally and physically, especially with there first child. I know i was expecting hardship off my partner, and when she got real bad sickness 3 months into her pragnancy i thought i was prepared!! Bulll****!!:)

Trust me, i gave her all the "space" she required and asked for when she was sick( and it was hard cos all i wanted to do was to try help her and care for her). But the stupid rows over nothing??!!! I'm not exagerating, but if i said something was white, she'd say it was black!!! I just can't win no matter how hard i try. You name it i've tried to get around her and appease her....waste of time, (ie, flowers, chocs ete).

Prior to the sickness, we got approved a mortgage, and everything was fine, we were excited and planning everything, and i knew i was expecting some **** off her when she got sick, but today she finished with me and wants nothing to do with me....and i'm really not sure what to do??

Everyone will say "give her time"....but i've not seen her in 2 weeks....and in that 2 weeks she doesn't wanna speak to me on the phone(won't answer), so the only communication is text....which is no way of communication in a realationship in my opinion, so when i say "look, whats the craic with not wanting to even talk to me the past 2 weeks", i get...litterally......."we're over...i don't wanna be with you"!!!

I understand she is obviously taking some **** out on me, but the way she's going we ain't gonna work out and its breaking my heart cos i love her so much, but just as important is the fact that i don't wanna bring up my child in a broken family....and know half the countrys parents have split up, just like mine did when i was younger..... But whats really annoying me is the thoughts of someone else rearing my child if she gets with someone else,( her 6 yr ex is in serious contact with her by the way, and thats a raw subject with us)...ok, so i'll get to see it at weekends...but i'll miss everything else,ie..... first crawl, walk etc.

It's not an ideal world i know... and **** doesn't work out the way ye want it, but does anyone reckon i should hang in there and wait for her to get her head outta her hole so to speak( even if she wants absolutely nothing to do with me), or push on with my own mortgage and get a roof over my head for me and my child to stay with me???

I'm sure theres been lots of peoople in my situation........... cheers!!!

Moomoo1

I am nor sure that's it's just the hormones sadly... my OH is at about the same stage and it's all hardly different from before... give or take an occasional over-reaction over not very much at all.

I thought the mood swings and the bad feeling happened in the first 3 months, and months 4-6 were relative plain sailing... but maybe not everyone is the same.

scouser19

Cheers for the reply.....trust me.....i'm honestly expecting it to be the end. No matter how hard i try to appease her i just keep getting pushed and pushed away, and it's hurting like ****! Just don't know what to do anymore!!!!

Moomoo1

There is another post like yours in the other thread you posted in: you might want to read it. Some other guy got dumped at this stage too and now (after the child has been born) his ex doesn't even want to get money from him. http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055621737

I think your main focus at this stage should be making sure you have access to the child. One of the people I know over the internet had just that problem http://footballforums.net/forums/showthread.php?t=122986&highlight=anguish a few years ago. So concentrate on that for now. If things work out with her - great, but don't start running after her.

Soul Stretcher

Just something for you to consider...

Stop trying to appease her - especially if you know you didn't do anything wrong in the first place...

The more you chase her, the more she'll run away....

She'll think less of you the more you grovel....

Be a Man, get out and about, meet up with your friends - male and female, head out for nights on the town, get back into hobbies....

She might realise what she gave up if she sees you moving on..... it might be your only chance...

Sleipnir

Op, you know as well as I do that if someone can't finish a sentence with just one full stop, they really mean what they're saying. Although his main point of taking a deep breath has merit.
You're not trying to 'appease' her, you're doing what any responsible prospective father would (should?) be doing.

Look, it's never just hormones really. It's hormones plus fear, nausea, uncertainly, worry or whatever. The point is that all you can do right now is let her know that you're there for her if she needs you. You can't force her into wanting you to be there.

And every pregnancy is different so I wouldn't put too much heed into point two, i.e. I wouldn't take it as gospel. Some women get cross, some get horny, weepy, and some get all of them and more but never at the same time. Too many variables for a man to figure out and adapt to, basically.

Soul Stretcher

Haha.... didn't realise fullstops were such a point of contention here on boards ! :rolleyes:

OP... Can you perhaps speak to a 3rd party who knows her well - a mutual friend or maybe a relation of hers that you get on with... just to get their perspective on whether it is truly over or not ?

If she has told her family it is over, that may not be a good sign.

Anyways, I wish you all the best OP.

Moomoo1

what about people who put multiple full stops in the middle of sentences... where do they fit into the picture?

For the fear of sounding harsh, no matter how bad or emotional you feel during pregnancy, you have no right to take it out on people around you. No right at all, and people around you, whilst being supportive and caring, do not have to take it. That's the line I always tried to follow every time we had a bout of hysterics: I understand you are feeling bad, I understand you are feeling sick and nauseous, but that does not add up to a reason to insult and belittle me.

So I don't think one can use pregnancy as an excuse for her actions. She is an adult, she should realise she is behaving badly towards him, hormones or no hormones.

Darthhoob

speaking as a pregnant woman, and i've had two other pregnancies...i KNOW how 'pregmental' we can get. certainly me! but every woman is different AND every pregnancy is different. our emotions and hormones are all over the place, on top of that we are tired, worried, feeling like crap, stressed and did i say tired? (plus many other ****ty things usually). if she had something on her mind about your relationship, that would be magnified x10000000. atm i get immensly angry that my OH doesn't seem to be able to wake up in morning as easily as i do...never really used to bother me...much. but now i'd have hissy fits and crying, and erm.....lots of swearing. but i usually calm down within an hour or so.

sorry rambling...basically it could be that she sees a problem in your relationship, and it's been magnified by being pregnant....her future as a mother is laid down before her and she could be unsure of her future as your GF/Wife. the hormones will certainly have a part to play, but noone can be sure how much. the fact it has been two weeks makes me think that it's more her real feelings than the hormones tbh mate. i think you should just write her a letter, telling her how you feel, dont ramble like me though! try and keep simple and to the point, let her know you want to be a part in babies life and to not shut you out, and tell her you will give her some space to think things through. DONT mention hormones so she'll probably bite your head off or something. generally just back off a little, she probably feels a bit suffocated...put the ball in her court.

that seems like i am on her side, but i'm not. she needs to think about the baby too and you are the baby's father so she needs to sort her head out. i just think it'll take more patience than usual considering she is pregnant. she cannot stick to "i want nothing to do with you" and if she does then i'd suggest you take some legal advise hopefully it wont come to that.

oh and women tend to feel ****ty ALL through the pregnancy, not just the first 3 months lol (thats usually just when it is worst)

CDfm

Hi OP

Im a divorced Dad of two.

I don't know what your relationship was like before the pregnancy and you really don't say much about it. I mean did you go clubbing or what. So how has the pregnancy changed your routine?

Women do feel ill during pregnancy and some feel fat and frumpy and some get hugely high blood pressure. Not all pregnant women are enthusiastic when the realisation of life changes occur.A friends wife is currently pregnant and she is as sick as a dog.

I am not saying having kids is like death row but 3/4 months of pregnancy after 12 going out is a huge percentage of time.

What did you argue about that was so black and white. I presume this was not a reference about what colour to paint the ceiling. Was it NAMA or the IMF (bs arguments) or where to buy a house does she want a house near her Mum and you dont or what or should she go back to work(practical arguments) or what to get for dinner(silly arguments).

You should categorise what type of arguments and did they concern your life together after the birth of the child or what and whether her expectations were reasonable.So were any of her arguments or views valid. You may love her but.....?

What you need to get a handle on is what type of a person your girlfriend is or what she was like before pregnancy. In other words take the rose tinted glasses of for a minute and do an appraisal. Simple.Was she a drama queen or a princess then and did you accept it and is reality just kicking in for you? Or was she nice and is just having a rotten pregnancy?

There is nothing that you can do if she doesn't want to be with you and thats out of your hands if she can't or won't communicate with you. So that part you may just have to accept. If on the other hand she feels sick and scared it just might be a blip. We all have em. So I would do the thing about giving her time.It is wise advice.

The other thing is whether or not if you dont get together you want to see the kid or she wants that. Its not something to argue about now and only time will tell. There are single and seperated fathers groups there like www.usfi.ie but it seems to early for that.

Just keep doing what you are doing but dont loose sight of reality. If you start off life with this type of behavior could it become a pattern.

Now I am trying to be balanced here for both of you and your appraisal of the situation should be balanced too.

SLUSK

scouser19 wrote: »

Hi everyone.

Having a serious problem with my realationship with my pregnant girlfriend, and advice would be cool.

We are together almost a year, and are 4 months into the pregnancy. I totally love this girl to bits, and treat so well it's unreal...i promise. It's my first child, so obviously never experienced the "dreaded hormones" before, however, i was convinced i was totally ready for them. Big mistake!!! I'm a patient guy at the best of times, trust me.

I totally understand the changes in the body and how hard it is for girls both emotionally and physically, especially with there first child. I know i was expecting hardship off my partner, and when she got real bad sickness 3 months into her pragnancy i thought i was prepared!! Bulll****!!:)

Trust me, i gave her all the "space" she required and asked for when she was sick( and it was hard cos all i wanted to do was to try help her and care for her). But the stupid rows over nothing??!!! I'm not exagerating, but if i said something was white, she'd say it was black!!! I just can't win no matter how hard i try. You name it i've tried to get around her and appease her....waste of time, (ie, flowers, chocs ete).

Prior to the sickness, we got approved a mortgage, and everything was fine, we were excited and planning everything, and i knew i was expecting some **** off her when she got sick, but today she finished with me and wants nothing to do with me....and i'm really not sure what to do??

Everyone will say "give her time"....but i've not seen her in 2 weeks....and in that 2 weeks she doesn't wanna speak to me on the phone(won't answer), so the only communication is text....which is no way of communication in a realationship in my opinion, so when i say "look, whats the craic with not wanting to even talk to me the past 2 weeks", i get...litterally......."we're over...i don't wanna be with you"!!!

I understand she is obviously taking some **** out on me, but the way she's going we ain't gonna work out and its breaking my heart cos i love her so much, but just as important is the fact that i don't wanna bring up my child in a broken family....and know half the countrys parents have split up, just like mine did when i was younger..... But whats really annoying me is the thoughts of someone else rearing my child if she gets with someone else,( her 6 yr ex is in serious contact with her by the way, and thats a raw subject with us)...ok, so i'll get to see it at weekends...but i'll miss everything else,ie..... first crawl, walk etc.

It's not an ideal world i know... and **** doesn't work out the way ye want it, but does anyone reckon i should hang in there and wait for her to get her head outta her hole so to speak( even if she wants absolutely nothing to do with me), or push on with my own mortgage and get a roof over my head for me and my child to stay with me???

I'm sure theres been lots of peoople in my situation........... cheers!!!

I just have a question to ask you, are you crazy? You have only been seeing this girl a year and already you are going to have a kid and you are also stuck with a mortgage.

What makes you willing to sign your life away like this? I guess I will never understand this thing they call love.

metrovelvet

If you respect her need for space that would be a good start.

As for hormones - they are quadruouping exponentially every week and in my experience the first trimester was the easiest, with the exception of the narcolepsy that set in, but aside from that every woman is different. However, what the hormones do, is exagerrate what is already there, rather than invent feelings.

She sounds overwhelmed.

scouser19

SLUSK wrote: »

I just have a question to ask you, are you crazy? You have only been seeing this girl a year and already you are going to have a kid and you are also stuck with a mortgage.

What makes you willing to sign your life away like this? I guess I will never understand this thing they call love.

Hi........trust me, the baby was a surprise to us both. The house thing evolved as she can't have it in her parents house(due to space issues), and regardless, we wanted to live with each other, so when we found out we were expecting it kind gave us the kick to get it done......anyways, personally i'd aways want to be involved with every aspect of my child, and living together is the only way that can happen. We haven't got the house yet....just mortgage approved, but going by the way she is carrying on recently it won't be going ahead whatsoever......so i'm going out and getting my own apartment, where hopefully my kid can stay with me!!! It's obviously not ideal... but its a Plan B so to speak!!!

scouser19

metrovelvet wrote: »

If you respect her need for space that would be a good start.

As for hormones - they are quadruouping exponentially every week and in my experience the first trimester was the easiest, with the exception of the narcolepsy that set in, but aside from that every woman is different. However, what the hormones do, is exagerrate what is already there, rather than invent feelings.

She sounds overwhelmed.

Hi. I've totally respected her need for space....i've not seen her for 2 weeks! As i said, i totally understand whatever changes go on in her body etc and how hard she has it, but instinct tells me it ain't just hormones and that its over, and i'll just have to accept it. Regardless she'll be getting all the "space" she wants, cos i've tried my best, but won't be trying anymore. I've stressed that i'm always there for her if she needs me, so its over to her however she chooses....nowt else i can do i guess!

scouser19

Darthhoob wrote: »

speaking as a pregnant woman, and i've had two other pregnancies...i KNOW how 'pregmental' we can get. certainly me! but every woman is different AND every pregnancy is different. our emotions and hormones are all over the place, on top of that we are tired, worried, feeling like crap, stressed and did i say tired? (plus many other ****ty things usually). if she had something on her mind about your relationship, that would be magnified x10000000. atm i get immensly angry that my OH doesn't seem to be able to wake up in morning as easily as i do...never really used to bother me...much. but now i'd have hissy fits and crying, and erm.....lots of swearing. but i usually calm down within an hour or so.

sorry rambling...basically it could be that she sees a problem in your relationship, and it's been magnified by being pregnant....her future as a mother is laid down before her and she could be unsure of her future as your GF/Wife. the hormones will certainly have a part to play, but noone can be sure how much. the fact it has been two weeks makes me think that it's more her real feelings than the hormones tbh mate. i think you should just write her a letter, telling her how you feel, dont ramble like me though! try and keep simple and to the point, let her know you want to be a part in babies life and to not shut you out, and tell her you will give her some space to think things through. DONT mention hormones so she'll probably bite your head off or something. generally just back off a little, she probably feels a bit suffocated...put the ball in her court.

that seems like i am on her side, but i'm not. she needs to think about the baby too and you are the baby's father so she needs to sort her head out. i just think it'll take more patience than usual considering she is pregnant. she cannot stick to "i want nothing to do with you" and if she does then i'd suggest you take some legal advise hopefully it wont come to that.

oh and women tend to feel ****ty ALL through the pregnancy, not just the first 3 months lol (thats usually just when it is worst)

Hi. Thanks for your advise. You speak alot of sense. Trust me....i've known when to back off when i knew she was tired and narky...but looking back, this is different. She genuienly doesn't wanna be with me i reckon.

**** it, its her loss at this stage. i've stressed i wanna be there for her 100%, and i will be, so i can do no more. It was just hard to take, cos if i knew i did something wrong i'd understand, but i know i didn't. If i was doing drugs, an alcoholic, abusive, or with other people etc i'd understand, but i promise i'm a genuine guy who has his priorities in order, and they've just changed from her to my baby!!!

Her 1st scan is on the way, so i'd previously asked her that i'd like to be there for that and any others, and then obvioulsy the birth cos it's important to me, and to be honest it'd kill me if she didn't involve me in that. I know you suggested legal advise, but as you said i hope to god it won't come to that. I've no doubt we'll be friends for the childs sake, and i get on well very with her family which helps(her mother thinks shes nuts by thae way)!

scouser19

Moomoo1 wrote: »

what about people who put multiple full stops in the middle of sentences... where do they fit into the picture?

For the fear of sounding harsh, no matter how bad or emotional you feel during pregnancy, you have no right to take it out on people around you. No right at all, and people around you, whilst being supportive and caring, do not have to take it. That's the line I always tried to follow every time we had a bout of hysterics: I understand you are feeling bad, I understand you are feeling sick and nauseous, but that does not add up to a reason to insult and belittle me.

So I don't think one can use pregnancy as an excuse for her actions. She is an adult, she should realise she is behaving badly towards him, hormones or no hormones.

Thanks........thats exactly what i was thinking,

CDfm

It works both ways scouser.

Your girlfriend lives with her parents so she is being "minded" and she isn't worldly wise not having lived on her own.

Everything has moved quickly so slow down a bit.

If you can buy somewhere affordable and adequete for you that has potential well and good & its probably not a bad idea. With a child you will need a garden if possible so see what affordable housing offers.

Avoid snap decisions.

lolli

I'm 21 weeks pregnant at the moment and I really dont get it when women go on about being so hormonal. I know its different for everyone. I did feel sick at the start but I certainly wouldnt have treated my partner like that because of hormones. You really need to try get to talk to her because this is also your baby you have a right to know whats going on with it.

Moomoo1

lolli wrote: »

I'm 21 weeks pregnant at the moment and I really dont get it when women go on about being so hormonal. I know its different for everyone. I did feel sick at the start but I certainly wouldnt have treated my partner like that because of hormones. You really need to try get to talk to her because this is also your baby you have a right to know whats going on with it.

yeah, exactly. Whilst one is (obviously) not obliged to stay with the child's father, one does have a duty to at least talk to them.

too many people misuse this concept of 'I need space' to avoid having to meet and talk to certain people

Darthhoob

scouser19 wrote: »

Hi. Thanks for your advise. You speak alot of sense. Trust me....i've known when to back off when i knew she was tired and narky...but looking back, this is different. She genuienly doesn't wanna be with me i reckon.

**** it, its her loss at this stage. i've stressed i wanna be there for her 100%, and i will be, so i can do no more. It was just hard to take, cos if i knew i did something wrong i'd understand, but i know i didn't. If i was doing drugs, an alcoholic, abusive, or with other people etc i'd understand, but i promise i'm a genuine guy who has his priorities in order, and they've just changed from her to my baby!!!

Her 1st scan is on the way, so i'd previously asked her that i'd like to be there for that and any others, and then obvioulsy the birth cos it's important to me, and to be honest it'd kill me if she didn't involve me in that. I know you suggested legal advise, but as you said i hope to god it won't come to that. I've no doubt we'll be friends for the childs sake, and i get on well very with her family which helps(her mother thinks shes nuts by thae way)!

sounds like you have done all you can it's upto her now. hopefully her mum can talk some sense into her too...even if not now then at least before baby is born. the anxiety of having a baby on her own may make her see sense. shame it comes down to her when she is obviously being so pissy about it. situations like this annoy me, yeah there are some men out there who sod off and leave their partner and never want to see their kids (my ex for one)...but i actually know more situations where a man has been shut out by the mother, kids used as weapons, and i really really hope that doesn't happen to you

sounds like it is early days though? about 12 weeks pregnant? (you mentioned first scan). so there are a few weeks for her to get her head together for baby's sake. obviously dont go expecting the relationship to be back on track..if at all (though would you want to after this?). but you need to be amicable with eachother x

good luck mate x, keep us updated

dogbert27

Hi OP, I don't want to come across as an a**hole here but reading through this thread got me wondering are you completely sure the baby is yours?
Her behaviour seems strange that she wants nothing to do with the father of the baby after only 12 weeks of pregnancy?!
You said her ex (of a 6 year relationship) has been sniffing around. Might there have been something going on that you were not aware of?
I know this sounds really cruel but I'm thinking of your interest. You're throwing yourself in to becoming a dad, fair play, but her behaviour towards you cannot just be put down to moodiness or hormones. There has to be something else going on.

Oh The Humanity

her 6 yr ex is in serious contact with her by the way

This leapt out at me.

Are you sure the baby is yours?......just something to consider.

Because she seems very definite she wants to finish with you, which is highly unusual for a pregnant woman. A pregnant woman, even if she is having problems with the father of her child will usually want him around.....

You have to consider every possibility.

She could be using the sickness/hormones as a cover for a larger mess which she is in, unbeknownst to you....

puglover

Moomoo1 wrote: »

yeah, exactly. Whilst one is (obviously) not obliged to stay with the child's father, one does have a duty to at least talk to them.

too many people misuse this concept of 'I need space' to avoid having to meet and talk to certain people

I'm sorry but she doesn't have any such duty.

This girl has decided to break up with the OP. None of us know why, maybe the OP is a royal pain in the ass and she's gotten sick of him, maybe she has met someone else... who knows. It's only the OP's specualtion that has assumed it must be because she is hormonal( couldn't possibly be any other reason :rolleyes:) She obviously has her reasons and like anybody else she is entitled to break up with him and cut contact.

Now he does have rights to the child when it's born, and again the mother doesn't have to be involved if she chooses not to.

It's not ideal but this woman does not have to have personal contact with the OP ever again if she doesn't want to.

TBH OP If you've said to her some of the things you've said on this forum about her I'm sure you're only antagonising her more i.e. she is hormonal, her mother thinks she nuts (any mother would think their daughter is nuts for ending their relationship in the middle of a pregnancy btw, it doesn't mean she is nuts)

Moomoo1

too many peopel think that just because you've broken up with someone it absolves you of the need to talk to them.

It doesn't always. This is the sort of situation when it doesn't.

CDfm

I get what moomoo and others are saying but you can lead a horse to water but the horse has to have some input into the situation too.Speculation as to motives or whatever is not good and is a headwreck.

Get on with life Scouser as best you can and see what happens.The birth is 6 months away and there is nothing that can or will happen that you have much control over.

Its out of your hands.

Madame Razz

scouser19 wrote: »

We haven't got the house yet....just mortgage approved, but going by the way she is carrying on recently it won't be going ahead whatsoever......so i'm going out and getting my own apartment, where hopefully my kid can stay with me!!! It's obviously not ideal... but its a Plan B so to speak!!!

On an off but related topic, would you not buy a house as opposed to an aprtment as you are going to be a father and a house is a much better option for kids...garden etc....

Just a thought.

Hope it works out for you ok OP.