Is my new guy a bit strange?

LegacyUser · 03-09-2009 5:43pm #1

Hi, not sure if Im posting in the right place, but it is a new relationship so here goes!
I've been seeing a new guy for the past month. He is super hot looking and Im very into him, he also can be very sweet and caring. There is a lot of lust going on, as is normal in most new relationships I guess, however we have not had full sex yet, I just wanna be sure before I put out I guess!
What Im a little bit worried about is he can be very full on, when it comes to sex. He seems to be very dominant in the bedroom dpt and is always telling me what he wants to do to me, how hes gonna do it etc. At one point he even said "god you are so beautiful I want to rape you". I told him he shouldnt have said that and he just giggled and said I turn him on so much and it just came out.
Its been worrying me a little bit since. Is this normal or is he a bit odd?
Please anyone post any opinions.
Thanks.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2009 6:19pm

the rape suggestion is disturbing and obviously you think so too if you are posting here. Maybe it was an off the cuff remark but imo rape jokes are never funny and reveal a lot of terms of the person making the remarks. I would proceed with caution here and trust your gut. You are obviously very attracted to this guy but don;t let that cloud your judgement here trust your gut. He sounds like he may have issues with power and control any may not stick around once you have had sex. Talk to him and see if it puts your mind at rest but otherwise if you have doubts stay clear. Good luck.

SheRa · 03-09-2009 6:24pm

its a bizarre, disrespectful comment. he commented about raping you and then giggled when you said that it was inappropriate. ok honestly if that was said to me id be gone.

Taltos · 03-09-2009 6:24pm

Sounds more than a little odd to me.
Think if I ever said that to my OH I would end up alone in the bed wondering what happened.

However maybe he is into the dominance thing - just have a chat with him, let him know what is or is not acceptable and set some sensible expectations. Like you want him to be himself but at the same time if he is just overpowering then how will he get to know you?

BumbleB · 03-09-2009 7:11pm

Red warning flag big time.

A gentleman would never say such a thing.

R.D. aka MR.D · 03-09-2009 8:31pm

This weird.

Seriously.

I would have kicked him out there and then! It's your decision but I would definitly get out now before it gets serious. No normal man would say that.

Johnnnybravo · 03-09-2009 8:44pm

The fact that he giggled after you showed you were unhappy with the comment worries me. For a start it was a very odd comment and not a normal thing to say but then the giggling after shows hes fairly disrespectful to your feelings on the remark. Unless its southpark, Rape jokes are not good.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2009 9:01pm

Thanks everyone.

My gut is telling me what you have all said. Im definately a bit concerned. I dont think its a normal thing to say to a girl no mater how attracted he is to me or how much I turn him on. I have never heard of any guy saying something like this before. Even if he is into the domination role in the bedroom I still think what he said is just wrong.

I know I have to probably get out but it going to be so hard as I like him so much and we have such fun. I have had a subtle word with him about him being so full on, but he seems to think that any red blooded male would be the same with me.

R.D. aka MR.D · 03-09-2009 9:40pm

Im Worried wrote: »

I know I have to probably get out but it going to be so hard as I like him so much and we have such fun. I have had a subtle word with him about him being so full on, but he seems to think that any red blooded male would be the same with me.

Rape is not about a 'red blooded male' finding a woman attractive, its about violence.

if he thinks rape is a joke or is 'normal', he has no respect for women.

Tight Jeans · 03-09-2009 10:02pm

Get rid of him even if me did not mean to use the term his is f***** in the head

LegacyUser · 03-09-2009 10:34pm

He said it more then likely in the heat of passion. Don`t let the rest of these bra-burners put you off. Now that he has said it, And you showed your disapproval, if it happens again then give him the boot. But for this instance give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure he didn't mean in the prosecutable offense way.

P.s

Me and my girlfriend tell each other were gonna rape each other when we see each other next if its been a few days apart. But that's cause were a bit kinky i guess. (She brought it up first

)

Trail_Blazer · 04-09-2009 1:51am

Yeah, I was with a girl who probably would've preferred me to rape her outta the blue or something. It depends on the person, and how kinky/comfortable you are with them.

Chinafoot · 04-09-2009 2:39am

Rape is 'kinky' now? Jesus.

OP, if you really like him then tell him out straight that you don't have rape fantasies, you don't want him to be overly rough in the bedroom (assuming this is the case) and that you found his rape comment offensive and inappropriate.

The fact that he giggled when you showed him you were unimpressed would be a red flag for me. But the decision is yours at the end of the day.

Good luck with it.

Moomoo1 · 04-09-2009 8:11am

it's best to judge people by actions and not by words OP

all the best

Wibbs · 04-09-2009 8:57am

Moomoo1 wrote: »

it's best to judge people by actions and not by words OP

+1 It's a word. It's a terrible crime, but lets keep this in context and perspective.

In the bedroom some may want to say dress up and get their jollies that way. Just because some lassie wears a nurses outfit to turn on her bloke, that doesn't make her a healthcare professional, does it? If a mate of mine plays a practical joke on me, I might say "I'll kill you for that you git". Does that mean I'm a killer?

What if he had said "I can't wait to get you home and ravish you"? Would that be fine? Well ravish = rape.

Perspective. TBH Personally I think anyone who would suggest that on the strength of that one interaction and that one word that they should split, is over reacting and overly sensitive. I really do.

Sinall · 04-09-2009 9:06am

I agree with Wibbs above.

Obviously rape is wrong and never acceptable and should not be joked about.

However, there are people who are into role-playing fantasies and that statement might have been a way of testing the water with you to see what kind of things you are into sexually. He might be looking for a submissive partner, if he is dominant in the bedroom and is just seeing if you have any inclinations in that direction.

I think your reaction shows him that you are uncomfortable with this and he will be unlikely to bring it up again.

b3t4 · 04-09-2009 9:10am

Wibbs wrote: »

Perspective. TBH Personally I think anyone who would suggest that on the strength of that one interaction and that one word that they should split, is over reacting and overly sensitive. I really do.

I disagree and agree with you. I agree with what you're saying about the ravish thing but this girl has reservations about him. Her instinct is telling her something is off and not right. For that reason, and at such an early stage (1 month in) of the relationship I'd advise the girl to finish with him.

Generally, that gut instinct is more right than wrong.

Wibbs · 04-09-2009 9:21am

Or it could be that they're simply not suited. I don't put much store on the logic of gut instinct. All too often it's self fulfilling predicated on little by way of reality and can ruin relationships or inform decisions that are not good. At best it's little under the surface things that on their own mean nada but build up into a tipping point where the "gut", the conscious mind says no or yes.

This may be the case here, where the "rape" word was the tipping point in telling her she's not that suited to him. Some people are more sensitive, some people are less. Some are more forward, some are less. Both are fine. If she's the former and he's the latter, well then yes they may well be incompatible. For him too, if he feels that he has to restrict himself or his own personality. In that case the mention of rape is in of itself little to do with it. Then again maybe he just wanted to say ravish, possess etc and didn't find that in his vocab at the time in the heat of the moment.

I just worry that if it was all revolving around one word, then it's a bit daft and overreactionary.

Johnnnybravo · 04-09-2009 9:50am

Well she commented on the word rape and he just laughed it off, this bit is more concerning than the use of the word rape. To be honest thats the bit that would of got my back up, each to their own but if I told someone I wasnt happy with the word rape in the bedroom and they just laughed it off, they would not be in my bedroom again.

Eve_Dublin · 04-09-2009 10:02am

This guy just sounds a little bit clueless and nothing more. No offence OP but if someone was using this word so freely to describe his desire to ravish you and to laugh about it afterwards, then I´d think he wasn´t the sharpest knife in the drawer...or else a little immature and nothing more.

wexford202 · 04-09-2009 11:30am

I wouldn't read as much into it as the others have been either.

I wouldn't like to have that said to me but you have said that you are not into that kind of kinky talk anyhow, so he shouldn't say it again. If he does say it again he actually doesn't have any respect for you.

Say what you are or aren't into from the start and all should be fine.

LegacyUser · 04-09-2009 12:00pm

Thanks everyone.

The thing is Id consider myself to be into quite kinky stuff, but I have always been the dominant one sexually. I guess maybe I am just a bit unsure as to how I would take being the submissive one in this relationship. He seems to be very dominant in all things sexually. Will I even to be able to play a submissive role when I am naturally the dominant one? I want to please him as I really like him, but also want to be pleased myself! I am slightly worried that he may get carried away and not take me seriously if I say "stop" or whatever. I know we need to disguss this, and in a way he has asked what I like and dislike. I just don't know if I can be as submissive as he wants.

The rape word I did not like. I just think he could have phrased that comment better, as said in previous responses here.

Outside of sex he is so lovely, he's the guy who takes off his jacket and gives it to me if I make a random comment that the day is a little cold!

MelonieHead · 04-09-2009 12:21pm

Role-playing fantasies of extreme dominance are fine in a loving relationship but surely any decent person would hold back on expressing these desires quite so early in a relationship? Most people would be afraid of scaring a partner off by saying things like "You look good enough to rape" when they haven't been going out for very long.

Sinall · 04-09-2009 1:22pm

Im Worried wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

The thing is Id consider myself to be into quite kinky stuff, but I have always been the dominant one sexually. I guess maybe I am just a bit unsure as to how I would take being the submissive one in this relationship. He seems to be very dominant in all things sexually. Will I even to be able to play a submissive role when I am naturally the dominant one? I want to please him as I really like him, but also want to be pleased myself! I am slightly worried that he may get carried away and not take me seriously if I say "stop" or whatever. I know we need to disguss this, and in a way he has asked what I like and dislike. I just don't know if I can be as submissive as he wants.

The rape word I did not like. I just think he could have phrased that comment better, as said in previous responses here.

Outside of sex he is so lovely, he's the guy who takes off his jacket and gives it to me if I make a random comment that the day is a little cold!

It sounds like you are compatible in lots of ways but maybe not sexually. That could change though, it's always a learning curve and lots of new experiences with a new partner.

He could definitely have phrased the comment better and use of a different word would not have sparked the same reaction in you. It sounds like you have made yourself clear on that point and its good that you expressed that you are uncomfortable with that.

In relation to the dominant/submissive side of things, you are just getting to know each other sexually so maybe play it by ear. Maybe that comment was a way of testing the waters with you; maybe not. See what happens and what evolves. I know that some couples who are both dominant sometimes "switch" in the bedroom - ie, take turns playing dominant roles. But maybe that's not relevant here - maybe he is just being vocal about what he likes and it's coming across as bossy! Time will tell really in that area.

Also, I believe common practice in these situations is to have a safe word, so that's when it's said, all activties stop immediately.

LegacyUser · 05-09-2009 2:42pm

I wouldn't worry about it too much myself, I'm a girl and it's been said to me by sexual partners in the past. Nothing meaningful about it, just a bit like 'i can't wait t get my hands on ye' kinda thing. I've said it plenty of times myself, I'm sure plenty of people have, and not actually raped as a result. He hasn't pushed you or forced you into sex yourself, you say he's a gentleman to you, I'd brush it off myself as I feel it's a common enough kinda thing to come across in the height of passion.

Wacker · 05-09-2009 9:56pm

I think I'd be a bit more concerned if he didn't laugh off your rebuke, to be honest. If he stopped and seriously apologized, it might mean that he actually meant it, whereas a giggle could indicate that it was nothing serious. In such situations I have been known to come out with stuff kind of like that myself, but purely for humour - e.g. call a girl Mom, or her sister's name or something equally ludicrous. If delivered correctly it can be hilarious. If delivered incorrectly, it results in people posting in PI.

This guy might be a maniac. He might also be just tactless. Play it by ear; we don't have enough info to make an informed guess at this stage.

LegacyUser · 06-09-2009 12:03pm

If you're dating a man and trying to find out what he's like, the least you are looking for is a man you feel safe with. It sounds like this man isn't reading the situation at all well, he's pushing his ideas until a girl he barely knows and doesn't show any regard for her take on it. That would worry me, as I look for men who are thoughtful and considerate especially in a situation where the man could so easily take control to my detriment. It might be considered over the top, but I look out for my safety first and foremost.

If he's not listening to your concerns now, I doubt he'd do it further down the line. Have a talk with him outside the bedroom and tell him that he's a bit full on. Let his response tell you whether he's right for you or not.

CDfm · 06-09-2009 2:07pm

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

This guy just sounds a little bit clueless and nothing more. No offence OP but if someone was using this word so freely to describe his desire to ravish you and to laugh about it afterwards, then I´d think he wasn´t the sharpest knife in the drawer...or else a little immature and nothing more.

Well balanced reply Eve.

I could faux pas for Ireland but the word rape would not be one I would use.

Honestly, I have never done the role play thing and tbh would be totally clueless on what words to use. I mean how do you learn them do you buy a book or look them up on the internet.

The thing with fantasy is its improv & in-character in the bedroom is that you need to have it worked out.

Its the sort of thing you should really talk about and seeing you like him and get an idea of each others likes and dislikes and levels of experience.

Aurora Borealis · 06-09-2009 4:22pm

Not the smartest choice of words indeed but probably little more than that.
Tell him he needs to get the ole thesaurus out a bit more often!

silvine · 06-09-2009 7:16pm

Maybe he plays a lot of Halo 3 with Americans.

Dean820 · 07-09-2009 1:07am

lol, it sounded like he meant it in a funny jokey type way. You're overreacting.

Wagon · 07-09-2009 9:42am

I think he was taking the piss. I come out with some right filthy things myself and sometimes people can pick up on them completely wrong.

Natureneverlies · 07-09-2009 1:45pm

I think you need to listen to your heart before you make your decision. There is always the possibility that it was a "heat of the moment" comment, but you mention you have only known this guy for about a month - I personally know it takes a lot longer than a month to get to know someone. Sure, it sounds like you have a lot of fun together, but at the same time it sounds as though he becomes very full-on, maybe even a bit of a control freak when you are on your own.

In my line of work I've come to know quite a few women who have been raped, and most of them have been by men whom they actually knew and thought they could have trusted - but I always find that the women, after a long talk on the matter, tend to say that there were actually times that they overlooked what might have seemed like small comments(sometimes weeks or months before the rape) by the man, who performed the act.

As for you, you don't come across as being 100% confident with the relationship, and you obviously have your doubts. If it was a daughter or niece of yours that came to you with the exact question that you have, what advice would you give them?

Tread carefully, and go with your heart.

Is my new guy a bit strange?

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