Humour

Capt'n Midnight

smegmar

So a neutrino walks through a bar....



Up in heaven all the great scientists are having fun when Einstein suggest having a game of tip the can. So Einstein starts counting while all the scientists run off and hide. Except 3, Heisenberg who can't make his mind up where to go, Schrödinger was too busy playing with a cat to hide, and Issac Newton took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a square on the ground.

Einstein counted down, 3,2,1. and immediately caught all 3. "I see Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Newton" he yelled "You're all caught". Instead of leaving Newton stood still in his square till the game was over. Pauli was the last to be caught. when everyone else said well done Pauli, Newton piped up "I haven't been caught yet!! As you can see I am standing in a square of 1 meter by one meter, therefore I am a Newton per meter squared, I am Pascal"

Capt'n Midnight

ZorbaTehZ

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick
on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His
wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came
home so late.

His story:

"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to
the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking
young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept
happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late
it was, so I rushed home."

She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

Azelfafage

There was a young lady called Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And arrived on the previous night

.

Azelfafage

(Edward Teller invented the H-Bomb.)

Poem:

Well up above the tropostrata
There is a region stark and stellar
Where, on a streak of anti-matter
Lived Dr. Edward Anti-Teller.

Remote from Fusion's origin,
He lived unguessed and unawares
With all his antikith and kin,
And kept macassars on his chairs.

One morning, idling by the sea,
He spied a tin of monstrous girth
That bore three letters: A. E. C.
Out stepped a visitor from Earth.

Then, shouting gladly o'er the sands,
Met two who in their alien ways
Were like as lentils. Their right hands
Clasped, and the rest was gamma rays.

(Poet: Harold Furth)

A.E.C.= Atomic Energy Commision.

.

Turtwig

Turtwig

bazza1

fx= x(1+x) walks into a restaurant. The maitre d says " sorry, we dont cater for functions here!"

del88

mans get thrown out of a bar for calling the barman a 299,792,458unt

Turtwig

Here’s a sad story of a girl called Polly Nomial

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.

Quite suddendly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, “Was she still convergent?” He decided to integrate properly at once. Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative that he was bent on no good.

“Arcsinh,” she gasped.

“Ho, ho,” he said, “What a symmetric little asymptote you have I can see your angles have lots of secs.”

“Oh sir,” she protested, “keep away from me I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator, “your fears are purely imaginary.”

“I, I,” she thought, “perhaps he’s not normal but homologous.”

“What order are you?” the brute demanded.

“Seventeen,” replied Polly.

Curly leered “I suppose you’ve never been operated on.”

“Of course not,” Polly replied quite properly, “I’m absolutely convergent.”

“Come, come,” said Curly, “let’s off to a decimal place I know and I’ll take you to the limit.”

“Never,” gasped Polly.

“Abscissa,” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.

His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his digits tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly’s radius squared itself; Polly’s loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed runge - kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he completely satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly’s denominator increased monotonically. Finally she went to L’Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: “If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a singledegree of freedom.”

dairemcq

An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.

The two cats are nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.

The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

What is the difference?

One cat has a greater mew.

El Siglo

I posted these in popular science but might as well post them here:

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't...

i2=−1 walks into a bar and the barman says; "couldn't imagine you in a place like this."

stevenmu

I love physics, it gives me such a hadron.

Holysock

(One magnet to another)
From behind I find you most reupulsive, but now I have seen you from the front, I find you quite attractive.

Woow_Aqualung

Heisengberg is flighting down a motarway, when he is pulled over by a Garda. The Garda asks him if he knows how fast he was going, and Heisengburg replies "I don't, but I know where I am".

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much are the drinks?" to which the bartender says "For you sir, no charge"

Two Sodium atoms are in a bar when one says to the other "I've lost an electron!". The other says "Are you sure?" to which the first says "I'm positive!"

Turtwig

Capt'n Midnight