Best friend v Boyfriend..

smileyscientist

Just wondering if any one has been in the same situ as me recently..My best friend started seeing a guy last year after they met in a club. This is her first serious boyfriend and its been going really well for them and while im delighted for her it seems that our friendship has suffered for it. I thought it would get back to normal after the first month or two but nearly a year on and its still not back on track although it has improved. Like I said im very happy for her to be so happy but wish she could widen her focus on the other people in her life too that were there before the bf came along!!:) Any advice ladies??:P

starbelgrade

It's a hard & proper truth, but people move on, move backwards ormove sideways (either left or right). That's life.

Chinafoot

Been there. It's crap and I don't buy this "that's what happens as you get older" bullshít that people come out with. Yes you will probably spend less time with friends when you're in a serious relationship but it shouldn't be to the point where your friendship suffers.

Not being happy about it doesn't make you a bad friend. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I still manage to maintain my friendships. I make time for my friends. To do otherwise is seriously unhealthy in my honest opinion. I adore my other half but I honestly can't imagine only ever spending time with him and him alone. I'd crack up...and so would he.

A girl I was good friends with in college started seeing someone and she basically disappeared. When we did see her he was there, looking bored, making no effort to talk to anyone. They'd actually whisper to each other whilst sitting with a group of say 4 or 5 people - so rude. The only time she ever bothered her arse ringing any of us was when he was away. We don't even bother with her anymore. Everyone gets some leeway when they start seeing someone, a few months to go through the "OMG I'm mad about him and want to see him every second" phase, but with this girl it went on for over a year.

I'd sit your friend down and tell her that you miss her friendship and want to spend more time together, like you used to. Unfortunately it's often the case that people like this don't cop onto themselves until their relationship goes tits up and they suddenly realise they'd ditched all their friends for the bloke.

Wibbs

Better off here I reckon.

Piglet85

Been there I'm afraid, I think most people have. My best friend of 13 years at the time met her first boyfriend when she was 18, and I've hardly seen her since. That was five years ago, so I've given up on expecting it to change. I still consider her a close friend but to be honest we've seriously grown apart, and she tells me absolutely nothing about her life now, so our relationship has become very superficial. Like you I expected it at the beginning but I had hoped it would change with time. No joy unfortunately, although that's not to say your friend won't come around, plenty of people do.

As Chinafoot said, I no longer think it's an age thing. Some people make who are truly good friends will put in the effort. Having said that, I would allow anyone a mistake once, but when it's prolonged then I think that's pretty disrespectful. I also think it's very unhealthy to be that reliant on a partner, and spending time apart is good for a relationship. Ultimately though, I don't want to feel that I've guilted my friend into spending time with me. If she wants to she will, and in the meantime I put my energy into nurturing the friendships that I have with people who maintain them regardless of their relationship status.

Kimono-Girl

if i were you id sit her down and talk to her, if she is spending all her time with the boyfriend it will put a strain on her relationship, god knows i love my OH but there are times (we live together) when he drives me mad cause he's around a bit more, but we both have our individual sports clubs or friends that we hang out with regularly, you should make the effort with her though to talk but be careful because if she's been glued to him for a year they would have a 'routine', but maybe suggest a 'girl' night once a month or something.

Anna Molly

She'll come crawling back when the sh*t hits the fan, they always do.

Lady Muck

My 'best' friend is more or less non existent. Since she got married and had her baby, she never wants to leave the house! I have moved house twice and have asked her to come round to see them both and she hasn't, despite her now living minutes away. I would only ever see her if I went to hers, and I have a number of times, and I don't think that is fair.

ciagr297

i think this has happened to most people, unfortunately.

my best friend basically dumped me when we were 17 for the guy she ended up marrying. we are still quite close but she is completely unreliable and is still dumping me at last minute for stuff we have planned weeks in advance. worse still she always has an excuse.

i've spoken to her about this over the years but it has changed nothing. and every time she dumps me, i tell her (in a diplomatic way) how hurt i was. changes absolutely nothing.

thing i've come to realise is that i do not feature in her priority list. sad but true. she used to be on mine, but no longer. i don't know whether she realises that or not, but i don't really care.
i will still be there always when she needs me, and i hope she never ends up alone. cause she has no one outside her family and husband now

smileyscientist

Ok girls, thanks for that. I had planned on talking to her anyhow so if that doesnt work, too bad but iv done all I can do. New to this but ladies lounge rocks..ye should be on oprah:D

iguana

It's just life. When I was 18-22 I saw my friends nearly everyday. We went to pubs and clubs 4 or 5 nights a week and we'd spend the other evenings at one of our friends houses watching videos. We'd spend every Saturday shopping together. If we didn't have work or college on a particular day we'd go shopping on that day too.

When the first of our friends met the guy she later married it felt like she disappeared. Initially we saw her a couple of times a week and this faltered off and off to the point where if we saw her fortnightly it was a bonus. We were so annoyed with her. We absolutely felt like we'd been dropped for a guy. But in reality it was just natural. When you are younger you see your friends everyday, that's just not going to happen when you are in a serious relationship. When you are serious about someone you spend everyday with them, not your friends. Seeing your friends fortnightly is actually pretty good going - especially considering as people get older they pick up more friends in different areas of life who don't all know each other. It's frustrating when you are the one left alone, but it happens.

To her she could feel like she is making an effort to see you, to you it feels like a pale imitation of what you had before. Neither of you is wrong, it's just life moving on.

ciagr297

iguana, not sure i fully agree with you.

yes, there is some of it which is just getting older and having other things going on. however, i've been going out with guys who i was mad about and still managed to keep my priorities as regards friends straight.

different strokes to different folks I grant you but if one of my friends spoke to me about dumping them in this fashion, I would make sure to be aware of it in the future.

smileyscientist - absolutely have a word with her about it. i'm hoping that it will help the situation for both of you

iguana

ciagr297 wrote: »

iguana, not sure i fully agree with you.

yes, there is some of it which is just getting older and having other things going on. however, i've been going out with guys who i was mad about and still managed to keep my priorities as regards friends straight.

But when you get older your friends aren't your priority. If they were you would be a crappy partner and later a crappy parent. It doesn't mean that you care for your friends any less, it just means that you have other priorities. When you meet the person who is your partner, not a guy you are "mad about" but the person you are planning on sharing your life with, that person is your priority. Spending your time with them is your priority.

You still see your friends, you still keep up with them and what's going on in their lives. But you don't see them that often. It will never be like it was when you were single/serial monogamists. You learn that friendship is not seeing someone for 3 years and immediately falling back into intimacy as soon as you are together again.

ciagr297

iguana wrote: »

But when you get older your friends aren't your priority. If they were you would be a crappy partner and later a crappy parent. It doesn't mean that you care for your friends any less, it just means that you have other priorities. When you meet the person who is your partner, not a guy you are "mad about" but the person you are planning on sharing your life with, that person is your priority. Spending your time with them is your priority.

You still see your friends, you still keep up with them and what's going on in their lives. But you don't see them that often. It will never be like it was when you were single/serial monogamists. You learn that friendship is not seeing someone for 3 years and immediately falling back into intimacy as soon as you are together again.

of course your priorities change as you go through life, that is natural. i'm not saying friends would always be number 1 and its a huge assumption to say you would make a crappy partner and parent because you also value friends being in your life.

i encourage the partner to keep a good circle of friends. everyone needs them and if you don't value them, you are missing out.

calahans

Agree with a lot of other posters. It happened to me when I was around 20. We had a gang of lads we used to beer with. Two of them met girls and from then it changed.

It takes a little getting used to but you just realise that the dynamic of adult relationships is different that childhood ones.

iguana

ciagr297 wrote: »

of course your priorities change as you go through life, that is natural. i'm not saying friends would always be number 1 and its a huge assumption to say you would make a crappy partner and parent because you also value friends being in your life.

I quite clearly didn't say you shouldn't value your friends, I said they shouldn't be your priority. If a girl came on here upset because her boyfriend of 4 years was still going out with his friends most nights and told her they were his priority, not her, everyone would be telling her to get out of that relationship. Of course people should value their friends, I see my friends, my husband sees his, some of his friends are now my friends and vice-versa. I have made lots of friends since I met him who I see. I love my friends, but my marriage is my priority, my husband would say the same. And if we were not each other's our priority our marriage would be a crap one.

Like I said already, it's not that I love my friends any less than I used to, it's just that I love my husband more. And that is the natural course of life for most people. If the OP is seeing her friend a couple of times a week that's pretty good going for someone in a serious relationship. If it's fortnightly, that unfortunately for her, is natural. It doesn't mean her friend doesn't care for her so much anymore, just that right now, her life is in a different place.

singletoolong

As a man in my mid-20's I totally get your situation. Out of my closest group of 4 people, I'm the only single guy at the minute.
It's a nightmare in terms of arranging things, nights out, etc..I get on well with their girlfriends but they seem to find it hard to get around the fact that I am single, and happy.
I'd love to meet someone, and I will, but I can't see myself settling down for at least another ten years..
By contrast my friends are moving in that direction with engagements etc..and things have become strained.
Recently, the three lads and their GFs had a night out and I wasn't invited, and then when we do meet up my friends girlfriends are trying to set me up with a friend who I usually have no interest in..
Unfortunately, I've found lately that I've less and less in common with them, it felt like I was making most of the effort and there was an excuse..have to call to the father in law..sorry.
So recently, I decided to cut all contact, and I've thrown myself into new activities..
We were great friends, but when it's become a one way street in terms of making an effort, and you've less and less in common..whats the point?
To the OP I'd say, just find some new interests, you won't regret it.

Whispered

People can be like that and not even realise.

One of my closest friends moved into my town, literally, 2 min drive/15min walk away. She then got with someone. And he's lovely, he's good for her and treats her well and she deserves it but she has become stuck so far up her own backside it's amazing.

She was always welcome in my house, but for a while I was getting the feeling she only wanted to see me when SHE had something to talk about, or if SHE was upset over something. There was never a "call for a chat" it was always "call for a chat and I'll tell you what happend to me today". Her best friends grandfather died and she refused to call down because she was going to galway for the weekend (she passes her friends town on the way to galway) and then fell out with her friend telling her she was selfish etc for expecting her to change her plans. (it would have delayed her by an hour to call in to see the friend on her way) So when she told me this, my opinion on her changed dramatically. I couldn't believe someone could turn on their best friend like that.

I didn't see her much, despite asking her down a lot, offering to call to see her etc. So I cooled off, decided I'm not asking her down again to be told she's too busy. and after a while she rang to see why I was annoyed! I was honest, we cried, sorted it out.

Over the following few months we tried to arrange to meet up for a drink, or a coffee and each time she was too busy and cancelled last min or just didn't show up "forgetting". (keep in mind, she was in the same town the whole time) and one morning I got "I have half an hour today to meet you for a coffee if you want". I had plans that day so told her I couldn't asI didn't want to walk out of what I was doing. She replied "oh I understand, you're with your "friends"".

I haven't contacted her since and don't reply when she tries to contact me. As far as I'm concerned, she better make sure her relationship works because she has lost every single friend she had and will be 100% alone if it doesn't. She even told me that she can't fight with me becaus then she will have nobody, and STILL blames everybody else. She doesn't see that the problem is with her.

OP if you feel like you're the one doing the running all the time, cut your losses. Selfish people are not worth it.

smileyscientist

Hi helena.. thanks for your story. Its a bit more dramatic than mine but I see ypur point. I cant ever see her being like that but I guess our chat will clarify that. I think the problem is bourne more out of ingnorance brought on by this infatuation and interest in this new fella than anything else. If not,then it's time to call it quits and leave her to it like you said:o
Singletoolong, Iv been in that same situ so I can see ypur point completely. The same friend(on the off occasion we did go out as a THREESOME:p) would point out fellas and try and set me up with them..fellas, or women in your case, I had no more interest than my big toe in. But when I did actually meet a fella and I wanted to chat about said fella, the conversation would inevitably, no matter how hard I tried to steer it in the other direction, revert back to HER situation. Grr..In the end I gave up..:rolleyes:
Iguana, I really cant see how you cant have your cake and eat it. Women are purposeful multitaskers..surely just because your attached doesnt mean thats your be-all-and-end-all. If it does well then, im good single thanks. Im not asking to be her number one priority..just a little more attention than what im getting.:o

Gyalist

OP, would I be correct in assuming that you are unattached?

LegacyUser

Understand this one. One of my housemates and best friend of 10 years has been with a guy for the past year. She has literally disappeared! The only reason I know shes still alive is that her share of the rent gets paid every month! She drops by once a fortnight for about an hour and thats it. The rest of the time she's in her boyfriends place.
We asked her why she doesnt just move in with him because she is basically living with him anyway and she comes out with stupid answers like 'oh I'd go insane living with a boy all the time' and 'but where would I get my girlie time in then?'
We thought it might calm down in the summer and she'd have more time for us but, shes working which is fine but, we have tried to arrange weekends away, to the galway races for example, we asked her weeks in advance and she said she couldn't get time off and then the day we were heading over she rang to tell us that her and the boyfriend were on their way and they might meet us for a drink later - never happened.
We asked her to come to Spain for a week too but she couldn't get work off and as I write this she has swanned off to Corfu for two weeks with himself on a last minute break.
Got a house for 3 this year she's moved in with her boyfriend.
Talk to your friend before it's too late and you end up losing a relationship that is obviously important to you.

opinion guy

i completely agree with chinafoot and helena.ryan.

had one friend who i thought was a good friend and was someone i really cared about. but eventually i realised she only made time for me when she was in between blokes. and then i usually ended up helping her get over them. and she only had time for me when i had problems when she was single. whenever she was with someone she was off the radar and many people felt that way. in the end I cut her off and though that was initially an upset i came to be glad of it

smileyscientist

Yep not seeing anyone but out of choice.. was in a relationship recently but glad to be back single again for a while:D