What should I do?

Hermit07

Broke up a year ago with ex. Lots of things happened, we had a sick baby amongst other things. Making a long story short he felt like he wasnt loved (not true at all) he said he wasnt happy and left. He had treated me very badly in the run up to this, blanking me, no physical contact etc. He also cheated and said this was cause he felt unloved. He said child made him happy but I didnt, I told him that I wasnt responsible for his happiness, he twisted this to mean that it wasnt my job to love him.

We still have to see each other (picking up child and drop offs) I told him I still loved him last week and that I missed him. He Looked stunned and shocked and left house as soon as possible.

The next day I mentioned had he thought about what I had said and he looked little upset, said he didnt believe me and left the house and stood at his car talking to me but wouldnt come in. Said he didnt believe me coz I had used our child as a weapon against him. (again not true but it may have seemed that way but I was just protecting myself in not having him turn up whenever he felt like it. He also had terrible time keeping issues which affected the childs welfare coz he is on medication)

He has gone quiet all week after I have said this to him. Am I flogging a dead horse here??? Should I say anything to him this weekend??

He has mentioned before that he thinks of us a lot and has also got annoyed that Im not wearing the jewerly that he bought me. He also puts on a bracelet that I bought him from our son when we were together. He doesnt normally wear this bracelet unless he knows he will see me.


I really do love him. I know some of you will say leave it but its so much different when there are kids involved. I want to know that I gave it my best shot even if it amounts to nothing.

VaioCruiser

Hermit07 wrote: »

I really do love him. I know some of you will say leave it but its so much different when there are kids involved. I want to know that I gave it my best shot even if it amounts to nothing.

Hi OP. I am sorry about your situation.

I will not start laying blame because I am too long in the tooth, and know full well that both parties contribute to these situations. That is not placing blame on you that you do not deserve, but simply stating that it takes two to get into these situations.

Therefore my response to you is to say that if you love him then what you had before is worth fighting for.

That's not to say jump back into a damaged relationship.

But there is no reason I can think of not to maintain a good relationship as is, and to develop confidence building measures as you go along. Measures that enable you to trust him and his feelings and the same for him. You don't need to rush things. One step at a time.

All the best

Hermit07

Ive had to leave out details in case im identified iykwim

He didnt treat me very well.... its a year since we broke up and having spoken to friends I know I was giving him mixed messages lately in that I completley ignored him, blanked him at every chance (coz he hurt me so much)

But my main problem is Im not getting any feedback from him and he is still very angry but If I told you the complete story, you would be wondering why I still loved him. I hope im making sense here. The little boy involved has serious issues still which may be life long

I think judging by his reaction and the fact that he seemed upset the next day after I told him that he still does care for me.. at least im hoping he does but a little bit back from him would do no harm. My friend reckons that he will be giving what I said a lot of thought

Also wanted to say its very very and nearly impossible to get over him due to the amount of contact we have due to childs problems

VaioCruiser

Hi OP

Lots of reasons there why you need to take it in slow steps. Don't be in a rush to move past where you are now. You meet him every day or so. Let things be and let a relaxed, casual relationship develop free of the bitterness that have gone before.

Only then will you both me ready to make any kind of move forward.

Hermit07

I know I have contributed greatly to what happened after our breakup but in the time that lead up to the breakup I was innocent, he just wasnt happy, even had the nerve to say he was bored and theres me with a little sick baby who was only a couple of mths old:mad:

Im kinda afraid to let him think that he can get back in there with me but without the relationship if you understand me, in that he can begin to come and go again, time keeping etc, come along for birthdays, xmas etc without any comitment to me.... I dont want it going that way either.

So how do I go about this???

Thanks for taking the time to reply

Moomoo1

I dunno. I think your horse isn't just dead, it's fossilised. But that's just my opinion.

VaioCruiser

Hermit07 wrote: »

Im kinda afraid to let him think that he can get back in there with me but without the relationship if you understand me, in that he can begin to come and go again, time keeping etc, come along for birthdays, xmas etc without any commitment to me.... I dont want it going that way either.

So how do I go about this???

Thanks for taking the time to reply

You have little choice in letting him see his child on birthdays, Xmas etc. He has a right to do so and your child has a right to have a good healthy relationship with her Dad. So that is part of the future, whatever happens.

As I said above:
"Lots of reasons there why you need to take it in slow steps. Don't be in a rush to move past where you are now. You meet him every day or so. Let things be and let a relaxed, casual relationship develop free of the bitterness that have gone before.
Only then will you both me ready to make any kind of move forward."


All the best.

Hermit07

The access to his son is by court order.

He most certainly has a right to see his child on these occasions but its the way he does it. i.e. intrudes on my private family time.. like we are all one big family. If we are not together than I can see how he can just walze into my home without notice and attend the parties, xmas day etc. Last xmas was ruined by him doing this.

I dont turn up at his home whenever I feel like it. Its almost like he wants the nice bits without the relationship, very stressful for me so even if I wanted to move on, I cant

VaioCruiser

OP. I agree with you 100% and that needs to be sorted absolutely immediately. Before anything else happens.

You need to tell him that either he contacts you in advance and arranges visits by mutual agreement or you go back and have the court order adjusted. Did the CO include this provision already ? if so then you may need to send him a solicitors letter.



All the best

Hermit07

Nope nothing about xmas etc, I usually try to come to some sort of arrangement but he more or less wants to come along and take son away for the day.... he wants the nice bits of the year but none of the hard work. He works full time, I cant work as childs problems very severe. He has recently been sent another solicitor letter regarding his conduct.

I have asked him to contact me in advance or on other occasions asked him to stay away but it never works and I cant pretend to be not in coz car is outside my home. Difficult situation make worse by the fact that I love him.

I also sometimes feel he gives me mixed messages but doesnt act on them. We will have to spend some time together in the next few weeks due to circumstances..

Thanks for your reply. Im finding it very diffcult because of the amount of contact I have to have with him.

I have edited this to say I can actully see why he would say Im using child as a pawn but what he doesnt yet seem to understand is that since he has practically abandoned me (with a sick baby) Im trying my very best to get on with what is a very difficult situation without him showing up/trying to talk to me etc when Im mad about him

VaioCruiser

Well OP ... insisting on him making appointments and visiting according to agreed schedules is most certainly NOT using the child as a pawn. If you are doing that elsewhere then that is another topic.

You are entitled to demand a pre-agreed schedule and in my opinion, for the sake of your health etc you must immediately get your solicitor to go back to court and demand a Court Order to this affect - and if he continues to break the Order then have his visiting rights altered or rescinded.

I think it is now past the time when you need to get out the big guns and DEMAND fairness. His attitude is disrespectful and controlling. You need to take back control now before it gets worse.

All the best

metrovelvet

Ok. Let's split this up.

1. Its a boundary issue. You need to tell him he cant just show up unannounced. Stick to the access arrangements.

2. The relationship, break up, your feelings etc. What you dont want is your child getting older and seeing his/her parents breaking up and getting back together over and over. Even at the age of one, this can affect them. I know a man whose father returned to the family home when he was a year old after a separation from his mother and from then on in he saw his father as an interloper and they have never ever had a smooth, good relationship. If you get back in, stay in, and the same should go for him if he does.

3. From what you have said, it seems like he uses a soft emotional blackmail from time to time to get his way. Be careful of this.

villains77

hi op. have you ever talked to him or both gone to councilling over this. maybe it would be a good idea to go talk to somebody. might do the world of good. worked for me when i broke up with my ex and had load of issues to sort out. its worth a try if you still love him. taking things slowly would be a godd idea aswell. hope it works out for you

Sineadg

I dont think its nice sign of a guy to be unsupportive and ultimately leave at a time when you have a sick baby, saying he felt unloved. I know the stress involved when a child is sick and its at a time like that that u really need a man to be a man and put his own feelings aside. Id have difficulty trusting him again. I wish u every luck with it, whatever u decide.

Hermit07

Sineadg I can see exactly where you are coming from

Poor child still has very serious issues...... so he wont know any different but he is a happy child. My ex has a lot of help from his family with looking after child while he is on access, in fact they help him too much.. whereas I am completly on my own all week.

I feel like I dont know him for what he has done... He maintained he left me not the child.... but it feels like he didnt want to play happy families, he was what you would call a player before me and I feel he has gone back to that.

I have asked him things and he wont give me an answer, its this so he can get away with murder while Im left hoping he will come back??? I am afraid he is emotionally using me. He knows I am more or less trapped and in a years time I still be in the same situation when he gets fed up of the single life

I did suggest counceling (spelling) back when we split, he didnt want to know.

I know I shouldnt love him the way he has behaved, he has acted like a little boy but I cant help how I feel

I think if he really cared about me he wouldnt behave like this. I mite also add he does have some emotional problems.:(