Help in a Sticky Situation!

KD_jackomelly

Hi all
I am hoping if any of you ladies could give advice on my situation. I am finding it difficult to talk to anyone about it, mainly because I have lost touch with quite a few friends over the last year or so.
Ok, well, the situation is this: I am 34 years old, a single mum to one 14year old. i met my fiance at work around 1 year ago and got together with him properly around January. We got engaged in May. We are currently buying a house together. Although I worked with my fiance, due to the fact my job there was temporary and the situation with working with him in the first place, I got a new job. There was a man who worked there (my previous job where my fiance works) who was obsessed with me. He text me and emailed me, telling me he was going to leave his wife for me and all that, even though there was no relationship going on at all. Things came to a head when the boss found out and had us both in, basically saying to me that he was old fool. Well, that happened but after awhile, to make it easier for work, I resumed talking to him again. When I left he continued to text me but I just ignored him, telling my fiance the same. Well anyway, a couple of weeks ago I commenced texting him again - god knows why - think i thought i was being too harsh and that he can't do anything to me anymore with me working elsewhere and me being with my fiance and thought we could be friends, as he does make me laugh to a degree. well i told my fiance he hadn't been texting. on saturday i went to bed early and my fiance looked through my mobile without my knowledge. he then woke me up and said it was over as I had lied to him. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had to beg him to take me back and now he keeps saying he will check my phone all the time and that I should come off facebook and everything. I think his behaviour is controlling...he likes to know where I am all the time and this was before the whole finding the texts thing. I had not given him reason to suspect anything before he went through the phone. He said i have to give up my phone when the contract runs out.
What do you all think to this? Does he sound controlling, and was he right to go through my phone? It's not as if i committed the mortal sin of being unfaithful. this other man is like 56 and has a grey beard..not my type at all!
I would be grateful for any advice on the matter!
Thanx u in kind. x

cruizer101

Ok I know you asked for ladies advice and its ladies lounge and all.

But in my opinion that is way too controlling. To say you have to give up your phone is ridiculous even looking through you phone is too much.

In fairness you probably shouldn't have text the other guy but that still does not explain you fiances reaction. tbh reading that I nearly think it is good this happened before you got married as do you really want to enter into a relationship with someone that controlling, plus in marriage i can only imagine it would get worse.

Thats my 2c on the matter.

fatmammycat

1- he shouldn't have gone through your phone
2- he had/has no right to demand you give up your phone
3- you shouldn't have been texting a man who you claim is obsessed with you, flattering as it might be to have so much attention, it is unfair, plus why would you lie about it?
4- you both need to have a long hard look at what it means to be a couple before you get married.

dublingal80

From what I read, sounds like you were enjoying the attention from the older man,but maybe didnt realise how much you were enjoying the attention until it stopped, hence why you started texting him again... which you shouldn't have done,knowing how he was with you... but again, you were looking for the attention

But despite that, your finacee shouldnt have looked through your phone. and telling you to come off facebook is way too OTT. He cant expect you not to leave the house every again or to hand over your phone to him every day so he can check it

You did a silly thing, he caught you out. If you guys are seriously in love and want to spend forever together you need to sit down and talk about things, because you both have some insecurities hiding under the surface which need to get out. you both need to be honest with eachother and trust eachother, and if that isnt there, the relationship cant last.

Best of luck
x

snowy2008

i can understand why hes upset, you tell him your not texting him then he finds out that you are so its a bit decieving of you, just apologise and be upfront, trust is a huge thing in a relationship

Terodil

I think it can be temporary, but it'll need a lot of work by you two.

You've lied to him and shaken his trust in you, you've hurt him deeply with this. And now he's overreacting, which isn't good, but human.

You won't solve this by suddenly marching up to him and accusing him of being controlling. You pulled the trigger on this one. Once you have apologised properly and worked through the reasons together why you lied to him initially (I really can't wrap my mind around that one, what possessed you there??), I'm sure you can re-build the road to find together, and he'll also see how silly his current demands are.

As a preposter said, you have a lot of ground to cover, together, as a couple, before you think of marriage...

KD_jackomelly

Yes thanks all i understand but he was controlling before this incident. He always looks at me texting even though i hardly ever text!
I think the reason I resumed texting this older man was to get "one up" on my fiance, to do something I knew was wrong, to just so I had it inside of me, like a secret, that he knew nothing about. I am not saying it's right and i would never cheat on him.
Do you think i should tell him this - be honest and upfront - and then relay my fears of his controlling nature and see what happens? Tell him i want it all out in the open but I am not prepared to "give up" things just for him. I tried talkign to him before about me going out when we get married. he said that was ok "once in a blue moon" and he would pick me up at 10! every time i try to approach the subject he goes off on one.

I am very worried...But i will remain on the shelf if i leave...

snowy2008

from what your saying from you wanting to have one up and him allowing you out until ten, im starting to seriosuly question your compatiblity, im thinking you lay your cards on the table and if he doesnt like it or you guys cant comprimise then walk

King of Kings

KD_jackomelly wrote: »

Tell him i want it all out in the open but I am not prepared to "give up" things just for him. I tried talkign to him before about me going out when we get married. he said that was ok "once in a blue moon" and he would pick me up at 10! every time i try to approach the subject he goes off on one.

i'd run a mile if I was you. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery. He sounds very controlling to me.
From your post I think you are together a very short time to get engaged and married. I'd wait much longer.

KD_jackomelly wrote: »

I am very worried...But i will remain on the shelf if i leave...

this might be a bigger issue - your quest to get off the shelf and get married has blinded you to the fact you are marrying somebody unsuitable.

You need to remember - there is no shelf. Many people in the 30's/40's are single and happy. especially in your case cos you have a daughter.
My friends mam got married last year aged 60 proving there is no shelf.

Cleopatra12

KD_jackomelly wrote: »

I tried talkign to him before about me going out when we get married. he said that was ok "once in a blue moon" and he would pick me up at 10! every time i try to approach the subject he goes off on one.

I am very worried...But i will remain on the shelf if i leave...

Do you mean going out to socialise with friends? If thats the case, then I would run a mile. You are 34 not 14. You can go out if you choose (within reason, i dont mean 7 nights a week).

So he is 'allowing' you to go out? Just read what you wrote, it really answers your question. Have you said you expect the same behaviour from him? That he can only go out once in a blue moon and you will collect him from a lads night out at ten?

Would you really prefer to live like this as opposed to being single and independent (note, not left on shelf).

Honestly, if you got together in Jan and got engaged by May, I think thats a bit quick. You cant possibly know someone enough to make such a life changing decision.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

You guys are completely incompatible.

I regret to say that you appear to have no sense of 'common sense'. Your behaviour with this guy who was texting you was bizarre and idiotic. Why on earth you would ever text this guy again is completely beyond me.

Any prospective husband would turn suspicious if their partner behaved like this, and read your phone for a year afterward.

On the subject of being controlling - your fiance's statement about letting you out until 10pm 'once in a blue moon' is utterly and totally unacceptable and appalling from the start ! Irrespective of the phone texting stuff - you should run a mile from this guy and do it now. This anxiety about being on the shelf is not just silly, it is 1,000 times better than a life being controlled by this guy.

Move on - and bring all of the lessons you have learned from this crazy episode with you :rolleyes:

All the best

sunshine007

Your 34.... your young.... sounds like your going to be trapped in a marriage with a control freak for the rest of your life (im guessing you still have another 40-50-60 years left in you) if you dont stop it NOW!!!

From what i have read, you's got engaged very quickly. were you planning to marry as quick? Your only starting to get to know this man now by the looks of it. you cant just brush this off... this is a sign of things to come... Get out, while the going is good. The shelf looks a lot brighter than this craic!!