Starting Counselling...AGAIN...

LegacyUser

I'm a 39yr old single mum with one child. I had a tough upbringing - alcoholic father, few other members of the family heavy drinkers - mum and I didn't have a good relationship and I was abused by a family member.

In my 20's, I had what I would call a bit of a breakdown - went to counselling, got meds etc and things were ok..hit a low in my early 30's and later 30's also and went back to counselling and really thought I was finished with it and that I was gonna be ok for the rest of my life.

But here I am again..going back to counselling again. It seems I just talk about the same stuff all the time. I've very low self-esteem and tend to focus on what people think of me, rather than what I think of them. For instance, met a man recently and had a few dates - it never even entered my head whether I liked him or not ( sounds mad when you write this down!) because I was so focussed on trying to make him like me..always trying to look my best, say the right things etc. By the time I realised he was a bit of a bore (after 5/6) dates, I had convinced him that I was this wonderful person (all false) and found it difficult to finish it with him. And this would be a pattern of mine in relationships with men. Constantly focussin on giving them what THEY want (yes, even in bed!) and not even beginning to think about what I want.

So back to counselling...I'll tell all about the abuse (which I thought I had gotten over), tell all about the bad relationship with my mother and father, tell all about my horrible brothers and how they treated me. I feel like I'm in Groundhoug Day.

Will I ever just accept my lot and get on with it or will I be 49...59...69 and looking to talk to a counsellor again??? Anyone been through similar becoz I'd really appreciate advice?
Thanks for reading.

Lana80

Well done on going back to counselling. You've been through alot and at least you are reaching out for help.
Have you considered an alternative to counselling e.g. psychotherapy?
There are so many different forms of therapy,some focus on tthe past,others issues surfacing in your present life etc.
It sounds to me that a different form of therapy could be more beneficial to you. At least you have good self awareness and that is a great starting point for change.
All the best and well done on taking action

LegacyUser

Thank you lana.

I hadn't really considered any other type of counselling tbh...some of the stuff I've done is CBT etc so it's not all about talking or focussing on the past.

In my first 'counselling' in my early 20's I remember being told that once I got to the bottom of WHY I feel the way I do, things would change (the weight will fall off/my self esteem will improve etc etc) ...seems they haven't tho! I mean I could practically BE a counsellor at this stage - I know exactly WHY I feel like this (my brothers treated my like sh1t and my mother didn't care enough about me to support me) but find it difficult to figure out HOW to change it?? Am I making sense?

sachamama

yes i agree with Lana, well done on going back. the key to answer your question though is - are you ready to let go?

You might not have been ready the last few times you went to counselling. Counselling really is just seeing someone to listen to you and reflect back what you have said. This usually doesn't bring deep changes if you are not ready for them. Taking a bigger step would involve psychotherapy as it is more than just listening and reflection, you can take issues and look at them in different ways, and the therapist plays a more active role.

and perhaps as one of your issues, bring in why you might be revisiting stuff you thought you had gotten over already. why you are still holding onto it. Rather than going in concentrating on the stories, the content of the past, look at the present and how holding onto your story is influencing your life now, and think about what it might be like if you could let it all go and be free!

warm wishes,
Sachamama

Nevyn

You may have figured out the root cause but you have to put in place a way to change the pattern of your behaviour, you know the reasons why, you can see yourself falling into that pattern you need to be able to put a plan in place to change your reactions and way of thinking. Have you tried CBT?

And congratulations on doing all the work that you have done, some people are never able to or are not brave enough to get as far as you have, you want change and are willing to work to make that happen, you'll get there.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the kind words...

That's an interesting question...why do I want to hold on to this cr*p? I feel like it has identified me all of my life ('Hello, I'm jane and my family are and always have been, dysfunctional').

How would psychotherapy be so different though? Sometimes I feel like I'm ok, and then it just takes a minor thing to set me back 5yrs and for all the old stuff to be at the forefront of my brain...

I wish I could just live iin the present and focus on what I have. I really do. This is so frustrating.

Cleopatra12

+ 1 to psychotherapy.... Am doing it at the mo and its amazing... Am lucky i found a therapist who suits me and find him great. PM me if you want his name.

Nevyn

Let me tell you a secret, all families are dysfunctional.

Let me tell you another one, you can come from a dysfucntional family and be a functional responsible person.

Yes it takes work, and hardest part believe it or not you have already done,
you knew there were issues, you found the root cause, you are now saying I am more then a person who grew up in a dysfunctional family, you want to be more then that, you are accepting the responsiblity for your actions rather then just sayin poor me not my fault my family was dysfucntional, you want to break free from that and your dysfunctional feelings and ways of thinking and behavioural patterns.

So many many people never reach the point you are at.

Cognative behaviour therphy maybe helpful for you it is mindful way to be aware of your
reactions, both how you think and behave and how to change those patterns.

santana75

Have you checked out this guy:

http://www.urbanmonk.net
Click on "start here" and begin with "emotional mastery" and work your way through the series. I know it sounds like more pop psychology but this guy is great.
It sounds like you've done a lot of work over the years in determining the source of your distress. That is very commendable and you deserve credit for that. However you're only half way there because it sounds like the same issues keep returning and returning which would indicate to that you haven't sat down and felt all the feelings associated with your past experiences. If you have, I apologise, but you should still read what the urban monk has to say about this issue.

LegacyUser

do you know what? You're right. I haven't actually sat down and FELT the pain of all the cr*p. WHen the feeling comes up, I'll open a bottle of wine...or eat some crap....or go to bed, anything to avoid it. I tend to avoid alot of things actually. I can't confront my parents about it (both deceased) and wouldn't confront my abuser. So when (for instance), something goes wrong in work, I ultimately blame my childhood on the fact that I'm handling this (work) situation all wrong and I sink into the depths for a few days. I bounce back quickly enough mind you - but I want to get to the point where when an everyday problem arises, I don't associate it with my past and learn to deal with it for what it is. I'll have a look at that monk thanks.

sachamama

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks guys for the kind words...

That's an interesting question...why do I want to hold on to this cr*p? I feel like it has identified me all of my life ('Hello, I'm jane and my family are and always have been, dysfunctional').

I think maybe here you have answered your own question as to why you are holding onto your stories - Who are you without them if they are your identity? maybe you need to re-create your identity? be reborn, become someone who is not identified by what has happened but by who they are inside.

perhaps you need to look at where you are in life, what you want out of life, where you are going... do you feel you have a purpose? even things like your wardrobe, how you dress... is this the real you?

aha - you say you put on a false face to make people like you. is this getting closer to the bone?

LegacyUser

God you're hitting the nail on the head there!

I never feel like I'm just me. When I was younger, I ws such a crowd pleaser - only liked the bands/music that everyone else liked etc. I don't tend to do that as much anymore..
But the clothes thing is interesting. I dress mainly in black - I've a bit of weight on me - but I would dearly love to be much more flamboyant in the way I dress. But I think people just expect me to be dressed in black and I feel very self conscious if I add colour...

So how do I get to the point where my dysfunctional family don't identify me...

sachamama

i've done this. it takes a long time and a lot of pain and transformation. but it can be done.

the first thing you need to figure out is what you think about stuff. it sounds silly but there you go - when you've been living to please other people you get lost and buried in there and don't know who you are anymore.

Take a day off and go on a date with yourself. Take yourself out somewhere different, go to the art gallery, the zoo, hillwalking, something you wouldnt normally do. get to like yourself, know yourself better. take baby steps with this.

change your mantra from "im from a dysfunctional family" to something along the lines of "i deserve to be happy". own that. become that. integrate it into your soul.

buy one item of clothing that you would never dream of buying, just for fun. wear it. see if you like it, no harm if you dont, next time get something different! change your shoes, your handbag! get the brightest colour that you feel completely isnt you and try it out for fun. experiment.

buy self help books and only expect to learn one thing from each book. but buy many books and read many things. when you do this be sure and abandon any "labels", you are not co-dependant, you are not "child of dysfunctional family" you are you, the true essence of you which can shift and change and give yourself the power and permission to do this. feel like a free spirit and do something ritualistic to mark this - light a candle and say " i will be true to myself". bang a drum, play loud music and dance.

you cant get any of this from counselling, you cant go to any of these places until you are ready. pm me if you want more!! xxx