difficulty as a carer

Escapism

I had a pretty upsetting incident this morning and I want to get some outside opinions.

I am carer for my 80 year old aunt and this morning I accidentally overheard (genuinely accidental as I was walking through living room and discussion was happening in kitchen) a conversation about me being her carer and basically that because i received the respite grant recently (its an automatic payment once a carer i believe) she said 'it's so degrading'.

I was devastated. I love this woman. I changed my life and moved county to be here. I've never had an inkling that she doesn't want this and I'm hurt that she talked about me behing my back.

Do I sound ridiculous?? I'm not 'fighting' with an 80 year old woman but I don't believe I'm being petty, I'm genuinly surprised and hurt.

The reason for my posting this is to ask (and to educate myself I suppose) why she feels degraded? I know I'm her carer and that she has always been an independant and industrious woman and I try my best to make sure that she maintains this to the best of her ability but after that, does that mean she resents me being her carer? Should I stop it?

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated lads.

Thanks

biko

Now I don't know the extent of the care she needs but here goes: She probably very much appreciates the fact that you are there and do care for her but finds it embarrassing that she needs this care.

I've worked in a hospital were the patients couldn't manage certain things themselves and us staff had to help them. This was an orthopaedic ward so many were young and been in an accident, some old that after getting a hip replacement couldn't do much themselves.
You can imagine what they felt when suddenly they had to have help putting clothes on, going to the bathroom and so on - thing that the rest of us take for granted.

m2c anyway

WesternNight

Magnus wrote: »

Now I don't know the extent of the care she needs but here goes: She probably very much appreciates the fact that you are there and do care for her but finds it embarrassing that she needs this care.

I've worked in a hospital were the patients couldn't manage certain things themselves and us staff had to help them. This was an orthopaedic ward so many were young and been in an accident, some old that after getting a hip replacement couldn't do much themselves.
You can imagine what they felt when suddenly they had to have help putting clothes on, going to the bathroom and so on - thing that the rest of us take for granted.

m2c anyway

This is probably fairly likely alright.

My mother was a carer for my grandmother and before she moved up to us she went through such denial about needing care at all. She just didn't want to admit that she needed the help and that it wasn't anything to be ashamed of.

It sounds like your aunt's mind is still working fine, which probably makes it worse in a way for her. My grandmother's short term memory went a few years before she died and I think it was almost a blessing as she didn't get frustrated or guilty with not being able to do thing for herself because she couldn't dwell on it.

Maybe if you could broach the subject kind of casually to her and start her talking about how she feels about the whole thing? She might be worried that she's a burden to you as well. It'd probably be no harm to clear those little things up anyway.

Joey the lips

Hello op.

I too am a carer and i to receive the respite grant. The purpose of the grant is to reward you for all the hard work you do as a carer and give yourself a hoilday or a break. You are actually encourage to take the break and put the person cared for into temp respite.

However as a carer i also draw you to the fact that the person you are caring for is old and frail prob loosing her mind and very annoyed at loosing her independence to you.

I call my wife a bitch sometimes when we argue argue. However I do not mean this. Sometimes we say things in the moment its just life.

I would say that if you were passing as you say you should have been quick and said "Jasus thats an awful way to talk of someone, thank god its not me" but tbh, I would not take it personel in fact as a carer you must not take it personel as although the person might be a family member, might be a pain in the asre, you are her carer and it is a job as defined by the payment.

Chin up your reward is in heaven.

sambuka41

Yeah i would say its a pride thing. Ive worked with the elderly and found this kind of reaction to be common,ive also found a negative reaction to anyone who gets paid for looking after others. Its a very old fashioned view that family should be doing it and not paying others or getting paid. Its ridiculous, you do an exceptionally hard job made ten times harder by the fact that you love this woman. You deserve to have a break and in te real world that costs money. Caring for a family member is very taxing physically and emotionally, take care of yourself;)


(a side note i work with teenagers now who frequently tell us that as we get paid to look after them that we dont care and are in it for te money. So its across the ages!!)

ChocolateSauce

IT wasn't a jibe at you; being cared for after a lifetime of independence is degrading, especially if she needs help showering and using the bathroom. I've no doubt she very much appreciates your help.