'Too independent'

LegacyUser

I think I am too used to being single. I am a 24 year old woman (I prefer girl...!) and have never had a serious relationship.

I've had flings, although recently my love life has been reduced to the occasional drunken kiss with a randomer when I am out. Sad, I know. I haven't had a date in months. I generally don't get asked out, and I know this claim succeeds all these statements, but I'm not unattractive. I'm not 'too goodlooking' either. I'm a pretty girl, I get looked at a bit, but I'm pretty sure I give off don't-approach-me vibes. I think this is because I am so used to being on my own, doing my own thing, relying on myself, being entirely self sufficient and 'independent', combined with the fact that I don't expect to really be hit on in a day-to-day setting.

I don't really like the idea of making myself completely vulnerable to someone and I even find it hard to entertain girl friends who become so needy and ridiculous with the object of their affections to the point where they are hanging on his every word/text etc

I know I sound like a hostile b1tch, but I assure you I am not. Secretly I long for a relationship, for someone special to come into my life, and always have. I just want to change my behaviours and way of thinking before I end up like one of those bitter old women who lives alone in her house with an overgrown garden and 49 cats for company!

How can I change? Thanks for reading

Nervous Wreck

The easiest way to make a change is to enforce one. ACT like a different person. You say you don't give out very welcoming vibes so make yourself do the opposite. Tomorrow, on your way to work, make a conscious effort to smile as you walk and randomly look 5 people in the eye and say "Hi!" as you pass. I know it sounds incredibly strange and potentially embarrassing but you'll find that most people will probably smile back (even if they're a bit too taken aback to form a 'hello' before you've passed them by). Smiling at people and having them smile back makes anyone feel good. Soon you'll want to do it more, and thus will have opened yourself up.

Next, start a conversation with someone you usually wouldn't, be it a cashier in a shop you happen to be in, a receptionist in your job, someone at a bus stop. Any idle chatter, even if it's just a few quick pleasantries about the weather or the song that's on the radio. Again, you'll find that people will respond positively and this will make you feel good, making you want to open more of these conversations in the future. If you do this kinda thing consistently for a couple of weeks, you really won't recognise the social person you've become and people will soon be flocking to you, looking for your attention.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

I understand where you are coming from.

The problem is ... that in order for us to have a relationship we have to 'let them in' to our heart and life in exchange for letting us into their heart and life. We cannot have one without the other

In your post you cite examples which are at the opposite end of the scale... the drunken slobbery kiss.... the clingy needy girlfriend.

There is a balance ... somewhere in between that I am sure you can be comfortable with. A respectable intelligent independent girl is a very attractive prospect to any confident guy who would not like a needy GF. And any self respecting person would recoil at the thought of those kinds of slobbery kisses....

Your body language is probably overly independent and cool. This is the biggest area that you need to work on I think. You need to try to behave more open and warm. But not to drunken guys in the pub. You have to widen your social life beyond the pub and night club.
Then when you encounter a fancyable guy .. show it. Linger eye contact just a fraction longer than usual. Smile and touch your hair when he is looking at you. It is very hard at first , but just pretend at first. Play a role. Remember ... EYE CONTACT

All the best

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the advice.

Nervouswreck (you don't seem like a nervous wreck to me!), I don't feel like lack of friendliness is my downfall. I'll talk to the wall and I think that most people would describe me as quite chatty and easy to talk to. I smile at strangers, make idle chit chat with the odd cashier etc...already. I have guy friends who I can talk to easily and comfortably, it's just romantic matters that I can't seem to broach. I clam up if there's a fanciable guy near me. I shut down. It's very uncharacteristic of me, given the rest of my personality, but I just don't know how to be open in that way.

Vaiocruiser, I think you hit the nail on the head. My body language is atrocious. I'd imagine I give off the vibe that I'm already spoken for with the guys that I am interested in - I just can't even make eye contact. I don't know if it's fear of rejection or lack of confidence or what it is, but it's almost impossible to penetrate! Maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy...I assume they're not interested, and then through my body language I push them away. Not very fulfilling at all!!

banshee_bones

Dear OP

I know exactly how you feel. I am of a similar age and in the same situation. Friends actually give out to me because of my "icequeen" behaviour which is now a bit of a running joke!
However its a label i dont particularly care for as I really don't wish to be seen this way atall!
I recognise that my standoffishness and cool exterior may be off putting but im actually a nice person once you get past that.
Therefore recently my love life too has been reduced to drunken kisses whilst out (in fact its even been a good few weeks since that!!) I dont even think I want a serious relationship but gosh it would be nice just to have some more male company in my life!

Independence is something that has also come naturally to me ever since i was little, comes with the territory of being an only child I guess but I dont see it as a barrier to a relationship with someone. I have never had to sacrafice any part of myself when i have had a boyfriend nor do i ever intend for that to change.
So I dont think you will/should have to either. Independence within a relationship is vital, especially for when the day that so sadly often comes when you are single again. So I say embrace your independance and you will find someone who fully appreciates you for you.

LegacyUser

Ladies I am the exact same. I am very independant and absolutely love my own space. I would like to be with someone as well, but I am much the same as well, quite independant when I go out, but my greatest problem is I am extremely fussy with lads.

You have had a few dates, I am alot worse!! I have not even got to kiss a man in well over a year and a half, and have only had one date in over a year and a half!! How sad is my love life..

I hear ya ladies, I hear ya!! Independance is great, but not so great in this perspective...

LegacyUser

Your post makes a lot of sense to me Banshee Bones, but the problem is, I've been embracing my independence for the best part of 24 years and have not yet had a relationship as a result!

I have no intention of compromising myself for anyone - this is me, and I'm pretty happy with my lot, but obviously something in my behaviour/demeanour/attitude needs tweaking because I don't particularly want to be single for the rest of my days. I see people around me falling into relationships and I nearly feel defective for not getting how that happens, or for it to not have even come close to happening for me yet.

I don't particularly want a serious relationship right now, but would like to feel like I am capable of one or I could have one if I really wanted it.

Independ.lady - my own space is pretty important to me too, and maybe I am a bit fussy in that I'm not willing to go out with just anyone for the sake of it, which seems to be what happens a lot around me from what I can gather...but I feel like I should be able to enjoy my single life, something that seems to be virtually impossible when I am apparently 'unapproachable' ??

Oh it's all so tiring. Maybe we should start a club!! ?

SmokeyJo84

Another poster who knows exactly how you feel OP! except that I seem to be the invisible girl that no men ever look at twice....and if they do, they just see me as the 'friend'!

Anyways, you shouldn't see your independence as a hinderence to you finding a nice guy... you just have yet to find someone who values your self sufficiency.
I would like think that most guys would prefer a girl who is happy to do her own thing/has her own friends, activities/life than a complete cling on.
The lucky guy that you end up with will be/should be delighted and feel priviledged that you are choosing to spend your time and share your life with him.

I have a friend who pretty much gave up her friends, her career plans and her own interests when she met her boyfriend...three years later their relationship is on the rocks and she is feeling very lost and vulnerable, realising how little she has for herself. Learning from her, I would never want to lose my independence when I am in a relationship (if that ever happens!)

I think your independence is a positive characteristic and is something that will lead to a happy, healthy relationship.

All the best and good luck!

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

Life is not like Argos.

We can't order the relationship from a catalogue .. eh "... a nice light relationship,nothing heavy, nothing that interferes with my single life ... "

Life is not like that. We open ourselves up to others because we want someone to care for and someone who cares for us. We have no idea what will come along and we have to be open to whatever it is. If we try to continually 'manage' what it is that comes along then we end up in a situation like yours.

You are afraid of getting emotionally involved and losing your independence. I do understand that. However this is not really how good relationships operate. Relationships involve the joining up of our emotions and our time. When we meet people we like and like being with, we lose that territorial sense and that fear. It happens naturally.
Naturally not all relationships are good. Some involve one party being more demanding than the other. But, again, this process is natural and can easily be handled.

You however are not giving it a chance from the start. By establishing so many pre conditions and being so fearful of losing what you have - you are not able to enter what a real relationship means.

You must try to lose that fear and embrace fate. Embrace the uncertainty and the process of meeting someone and figuring out how to manage it as it goes along. This is part of the great fun of relationships.

There will be highs and here will be lows.... that is at the core of what our journey through life is all about. Enjoy the highs and float over the lows.... and move on.

I hope that makes some sense to you.

All the best

banshee_bones

foreversingle wrote: »

I see people around me falling into relationships and I nearly feel defective for not getting how that happens, or for it to not have even come close to happening for me yet.

I see the exact same thing, and me and a friend even mused over this before the whole "were not bad looking dare we say it, we are friendly approachable girls, a fairly decent social circle, yet why is nothing sticking? All you can really do is get involved in clubs and socities,go to gigs etc that you are interested in and hopefully meet someone with similar interests.

foreversingle wrote: »

my own space is pretty important to me too, and maybe I am a bit fussy in that I'm not willing to go out with just anyone for the sake of it, which seems to be what happens a lot around me from what I can gather.

And you shouldnt! this is so prevalent with so many people i know, settling for the sake of it, fear of being left on the shelf. Im glad you recognise that this isnt the way to go. I know its tough and as Vaio Cruiser said its not an argos catalouge so you have to be open to all that comes along which many try to be but as you said gosh sometimes its all just so exhausting.
A feeling that often accompanies coming home after a night out, one where no boys approached you randomly or otherwise and personally i ask myself (after looking at the nice clothes,jewellery and make up i went out in) Whats the point?

LegacyUser

Thank god I'm not the only one...

This thread rings true with me entirely. I'm 24 and been single for 3.5 yrs after a serious relationship. I'm independent, single and like previous posters more than happy be so.

In that time I have met only two people that I consider would even have potential for a relationship. It is just about getting out there and meeting new people, taking risks and seeing where it goes. (I'm building myself up to ask someone out tonight and I'm kha*king myself)

Never settle.