Is he just a player?

LegacyUser

A colleague of mine asked me out at a party last year. He works in a different department to me but all the same, I was a little cautious of getting involved with a colleague and aware that he was drunk at the time so I kind of brushed him off. It was also completely unexpected as he's older than me and tbh I presumed he was married etc. I shared a taxi home with another girl and apparently he had said something similar to her, which I just laughed at. I met him the following day and he repeated it that we should go out some time. I replied 'yeah sometime' he took my number and texted a couple of times, the second in the middle of the night which I didnt reply to.

Roll on a couple of months when I met him again on his own. I dont see him very much. And he said 'we never went out after' to which I replied 'ah yeah sure, maybe sometime'. Again it was a sort of brush off. I was interested in someone else at the time too so wasnt really keen. That evening he rang me to ask me to a table quiz as he was organising a team from work. I agreed only to find he had also asked that other girl from the party I thought this was hilarious.. cheeky fecker. I left early. And another text late at night asking where I'd gone. Again I didnt reply.

And roll on another couple of months when I met him at a bbq and he asked me if I was seeing the object of my affection mentioned earlier, which I had given up on at this stage. I said I wasnt and we had a kiss and he asked me back to his place for a nightcap which I agreed to and then declined when I came to my senses and said I'd meet him for a coffee the next week instead if he liked.

And then I didnt hear anything from him for two weeks. Meanwhile the morning after the bbq another man asked me out to dinner by email. Tbh I wasnt sure exactly who he was when the invite came, so I agreed to meet him for coffee. which I did. And then he asked to go to another event which I was going to anyway so I said I'd meet him at it for an hour. I really wasnt keen at all but he was straightforward so felt he deserved a chance anyway.

In the meantime work meant myself and the first chap had to go to an event together. I was driving and five minutes into the journey he asked 'so how are things going with you and guy 2'. I nearly crashed the car. I had no idea they knew each other so well. apparently guy 2 had asked guy 1 about me and said he was thinking of asking me out the morning after the bbq. Not knowing what had been going on I guess. So he cross examined me about Guy 2 and was I going to see him again and did I like him etc (this was after the coffee but before the event). I gave him loads of opportunities to say something but I guess when his friend was involved I dunno, maybe he felt he couldnt say anything. The following day I emailed him to say I'd enjoyed his company and no reply.

So then I met guy 2, no spark, told him I wasnt interested straight out. But he kept on texting me for a couple of weeks until I almost had to be rude to him to stop it. He was hounding me a bit. Obviously I had made an impression.

A month after the bbq rolled by until last week when I got another text at 1am! From a very inebriated Guy1. I replied at the time with a funny/sarky text about men keeping me awake. No reply until the following afternoon with an apology for the late text. Which I now havent replied to.

I havent actually seen him or spoken to him since that work outing and the bbq before that. I dont know what to do now. I do actually find him quite attractive. We had great fun together the day of the work outing and I enjoyed the kiss. But this texting thing! not that he ever says anything stupid or embarrassing but still. And the fact that we work together however distantly.

Anyway I guess I just wanted to type that out. Gold star to anyone who reads it. Anyway do you reckon he's just a player who wants to get the leg over when hes drunk or is he actually into me? He's never really asked me out properly and I do think I dropped heavy hints when I emailed him to say I'd enjoyed his company, but thats a month ago now.

I do feel the ball is in his court. I have no perspective on this at all and cant tell if there is any real interest or not.

corkboy1

Only one guys opinion, I know you like this guy but this is leading no where. He either wants some fun at opportune moments or an on tap girlfriend.

LegacyUser

corkboy1 wrote: »

Only one guys opinion, I know you like this guy but this is leading no where. He either wants some fun at opportune moments or an on tap girlfriend.

i disagree with this - this guy seems to be texting you with a few months right? If he only wanted a one night stand he wouldn't be still texting etc after a few months. I think he really likes you and if you like him then just go for it. IMO ye have been playing games with months - i think just bite the bullet and go for it. life is too short.

supremenovice

I agree with Corkboy OP.
Sounds like the traditional Irish single man - incredibly insecure. Id probably fall in that dreaded category myself.
Anyway, if he cant ask you out without the help of Johnny Alcohol, Id forget about him.
Play hard to get and youll find out what hes made of.
Make him sweat!!

pwd

Tbh I wasnt sure exactly who he was when the invite came, so I agreed to meet him for coffee

ok............
Anyway my take on it is that Guy 1 isn't very interested in you and tried to set you up with Guy 2. Guy 2's enthusiasm was probably primed by Guy 1. Guy 1 won't touch you now because he's friends with Guy 2 and it would seem like he was rubbing it in or something with him - hence him only contacting you while drunk.

Amazotheamazing

I don't see how you could confuse a random drunk text every few months with him being interested. If he was interested, wouldn't he actually show more interest?

Tbh, I've done the same as the first guy, just keeping my opinions open but not really too bothered either way.

NickNolte

supremenovice wrote: »

Sounds like the traditional Irish single man - incredibly insecure. Id probably fall in that dreaded category myself.

Speak for yourself

To be fair OP, do you really have any uncertainties about this guy or are you just on here to brag about how many men are deperate to have you? Because that's how your post reads in all fairness. Sorry!

As for the ball being in his court. Perhaps he's just tired of making an effort to ask you out (albeit weak efforts from what I can tell). Despite common thought on the matter, in this day and age, while men don't mind persuing, constant rejection (or 'brush offs' as you put it) from a woman will result in the man becoming disinterested. You've even more or less labelled the guy as a player just because he's not begging you to go out with him or professing his undying love for you and no other. Give the guy a chance maybe?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Its really useful to get some men's views on this.

I think I'll just leave as is and tell him to bog off if I get another late message.

LegacyUser

NickNolte wrote: »

Speak for yourself

To be fair OP, do you really have any uncertainties about this guy or are you just on here to brag about how many men are deperate to have you? Because that's how your post reads in all fairness. Sorry!

My OP tells about one who wasnt into me at all, one who sort of is but is messing about, and another who is but I dont. Basically I'm still not getting any so if thats bragging to you, Well fair enough

As for the ball being in his court. Perhaps he's just tired of making an effort to ask you out (albeit weak efforts from what I can tell). Despite common thought on the matter, in this day and age, while men don't mind persuing, constant rejection (or 'brush offs' as you put it) from a woman will result in the man becoming disinterested. You've even more or less labelled the guy as a player just because he's not begging you to go out with him or professing his undying love for you and no other. Give the guy a chance maybe?

Look I almost went home with him and asked to meet him the following week instead. I told him I enjoyed his company. I think I've been pretty straightforward. The ball is definitely in his court. He is a big confident man, definitely not the shy and retiring type. I'm giving him a chance - to ask me out or even just contact me when he's sober.

LegacyUser

I've been on the receiving end of late night texts like your guy no 1 and it turned out he only wanted a leg over. Not saying this is the case with your guy but just be wary.

SarahSassy

Are you the player??? It looks like that to me. He is a bit messed up and is probably only looking for a booty call but what are you up to by going out with his friend if you like guy no1...

Whatever is going on - if you like this guy you are going about it all wrong...

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Are you the player??? It looks like that to me. He is a bit messed up and is probably only looking for a booty call but what are you up to by going out with his friend if you like guy no1...

Whatever is going on - if you like this guy you are going about it all wrong...

I didnt realise they were friends. I didnt know guy 2 very well at all and didnt think there was any harm in meeting him for a coffee. I wouldnt have if I'd known what was going on.

There is some playing going on on both sides, I'll give you that. Even if it is mostly accidental on my side. It is actually very unlike me.

SarahSassy

Look, ye are not even gong out together and it just sounds like hard work... Move on and meet someone who is interested in more than a booty call...

LegacyUser

^ You definitely have a point.

I wouldnt call it hard work so much as entertaining and comical . I'm not very emotionally invested in this even though my interest was piqued after spending some time with him.

But I'm going to leave it I think unless a concerted effort is made. I'll see what happens next time we meet in person minus alcohol. I'm not interested in something very casual with a colleague.

Interesting contrast in viewpoints here.

Hobart

You seem to accept that there is some sort of attractiveness there, probably on both sides, and yet neither of you seem to be mature enough to act on it. It all sounds a little "childish" to be honest (don't mean to be insulting there btw). I reckon the drink, night outs etc are acting as a catalyst for him and it sure sounds as if the alcohol gives him the dutch courage he needs to make a play, maybe he's just a little insecure and needs the boost a couple of drinks can give him.

I would find the late night texts quite annoying, but to be honest, I would find any fledgling romance based on text and/or emails quite annoying.

I just don't see why you don't ask him out tbh. you made a good job of going out with, and eventually brushing off No. 2. Why can't you do the same with the first guy?

LegacyUser

Hobart wrote: »

You seem to accept that there is some sort of attractiveness there, probably on both sides, and yet neither of you seem to be mature enough to act on it. It all sounds a little "childish" to be honest (don't mean to be insulting there btw).

I agree, it is

I would find the late night texts quite annoying, but to be honest, I would find any fledgling romance based on text and/or emails quite annoying.

I have to say they dont really annoy me, but I dont engage with them or reply to them. I'm just not a big texter and would generally pick up the phone rather than get into a texting conversation.

I just don't see why you don't ask him out tbh. you made a good job of going out with, and eventually brushing off No. 2. Why can't you do the same with the first guy?

Thats cos there was no messing with number 2. He just asked straight out and I respect that.

Why cant I do the same with the first guy? I dont know. I've asked men out before and its never worked out for me. I know he's not shy as we spoke quite openly with no booze involved on that work outing and I dont know the extent to which guy no.2 complicates things. The fact that he works in my company is probably the thing thats putting me off.

Ach confused again now! I think I need to meet him in person to try and gauge whats going on.

Taltos

Why not cut to the chase here.
As a guy who was always thought of as being confident etc I never had the confidence to approach a woman - gawd with my wife it took me 4yrs of being a friend to build up the courage....

So cut to the chase.
If you like him - just ask him outright next time you meet what is going on?
Does he like you and want to see you or is he just looking for some fun with his annoying and drunken text?
> Think you will get an answer on that.

But - if you don't like him - then just stop it. Next time you see him - be polite but no more - and mention the texts. Tell him they are unwelcome and must stop immediately, and if he thinks that while drunk he cannot control his wandering pinkies to delete you immediately from his contacts.

See - we only have your take on this and from what I have read you are both as bad as each other in this Wonder, if I am thinking that from your description of the events - what is guy1 thinking... hmmm

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

So cut to the chase.
If you like him - just ask him outright next time you meet what is going on?
Does he like you and want to see you or is he just looking for some fun with his annoying and drunken text?
> Think you will get an answer on that.

I think this is good advice. Thanks

See - we only have your take on this and from what I have read you are both as bad as each other in this Wonder, if I am thinking that from your description of the events - what is guy1 thinking... hmmm

Ah the beauty of anonymous posting is that I didnt dress it up at all. I just told it like it is. Anyway yes it could be conceived, especially by him that I'm as bad as he, but I'm not intentionally so. All the same it makes things even I guess.

Taltos

Cool - well let us know how you get on.
Nothing worse that being played about.
But those texts - either way I would be hopping mad already - 1st I could forgive, 2nd maybe at a stretch - but what is it 3? Taking liberties there...

LegacyUser

Just a wee update. I emailed Guy1 last week and he phoned me back, but I didnt get the message until today due to 'technical issues'. Honestly you couldnt make this sh1t up. I rang him back when I got the message anyway and we had a chat about various things and he asked what was going on with Guy2. I said I thought he'd know all about it, and he said he didnt want to intrude. So I told him there was nothing going on at all.

Then he said he and a friend were going for a coffee to a place we hang out sometimes (generally not together or at the same time) and asked if I'd join them. I said I would and and then I brought a male friend along too but then he came on his own! But its a regular hangout and there were lots of us there so it didnt make that much of a difference.

I dont know whos worse at this stage. And I still have no perspective. I'm not sure if I should encourage a little or just see what happens.

Anyway life is pretty stressful at the moment and I neither feel nor look my best, nor have much time and energy to put into anything so we'll see what happens. I'm pretty run down this week.

LegacyUser

I often wonder how these threads work out in the end so I said I would update. Have been on a couple of lunches since with Guy1 and we're going for dinner this week. Turns out he thought there was something going on with Guy2.

I'm still not sure if he's very keen so I'm just going to take it verrry slowly. Thanks for the advice