Falling out with Friends

LegacyUser

A few years ago i fell out with some close friends and it was totally my fault due to issues I was having at the time. We no longer speak and i havent seen them in years although we still all share bebo pages and social sites like that but we never speak online.

It took me a long time to deal with my problems including therapy. I dealt with the issues some time ago. I am now at a stage where I am trying to reconcile with the friends that I fell out with. I made contact with each of them asking for an opportunity to reconcile things, even just a chance to apologise for the falling out. I told them that I did not expect them to accept me back after it, but it least i could give closure to that particular phase in my life.

I never got a response from the friends. Although Im disappointed, i certainly dont think any less of them for it. But now Im unsure how to close it off. Im tempted to completely remove them from my life in one sense by removing our links, photos and friendships on bebo. Putting all real life memories such as photos, in a box and stored away. But at the same time, I do like reading their stuff online. We also have some mutual friends that we are both friendly with.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I best to close off that phase of my life and move on?

cinnamon

It is a shame your friends won't accept the reconciliation. You put yourself out there and unfortunately they chose to do nothing about it. Good on you and don't feel bad that they didnt want to continue the friendship. It's their loss.

My best friend of almost 20 years fell out with me a few years ago. It was a gradual thing, a phasing out so to speak and it was on her part not on mine. I was devastated at the time and felt like I lost an important part of my life, we shared growing up, first loves, etc.

But sometimes these things happen, people move on, etc
We are still 'friends' on facebook - I suppose neither of us wants to 'delete' the friendship. I sometimes click on her profile to see what she's up to, just out of curiousity. Eventhough I was hurt by the phasing out I still wish her well.

In the same way I have never destroyed old photos of past boyfriends I dont think you need to delete their profiles or put their photos in a box. At the time of the photos, you were happy and loved by your friends. Why would you want to get rid of the memory? Things change, nothing is permanent.
Just put your old friends at the bottom of your friends list and carry on with your life.

ciagr297

OP, i just wonder why you have their acceptance to physically meet with you as part of the closure process?

Would it not be better for you to have the closure step be simply the invitation to your former friends to meet?

Afterall, they are perfectly allowed to decide if meeting and listening to your explanation is something they want to do. It may not be part of their closure process.

Having been through this situation myself, you are just gonna have to accept they don't want to be your friend anymore. Don't cut them out, just leave it be. If you do meet them again at some point, you don't have to be embarrassed or needy, just play it by ear (calmly) and if the opportunity presents itself for you to offer that explanation, great.

But you do need to move on now, otherwise you are living in that past you worked so hard to get over.

Best of luck, PM if you want to

LegacyUser

I really feel for you as this is an awful situation to be in.

Two years ago I fell out with my two best friends, it was a stupid drunken thing where a stranger commented on my weight and i took it to heart and they couldnt understand it. We were on holidays, they were sisters and obviously stuck together on it, and that was the end of our friendship.

Anyway, I've come to realise that it is the circle of life. People come and go in our lives, usually leaving some type of mark. Unfortunately everything in life cannot be rosy and people loose touch for all types of reason.

I think your friends are mean not to agree to meet, if they had been true friends they would have. So ask yourself what difference would meeting make? especially meeting people who aren;t open enough to allow someone to apologise. Use this opportunity to make new friends, friends who love you for what you are, and who you can beyourself around. Thinking of these old friends will just keep bringing you down, if need be why not just write them a letter and send it, in someways that may give you closure.

I wish you all the best.
x

LegacyUser

I'd like to offer an opinion from the other side.

Without going in to great detail, in recent months my ex behaved in such a way that contact was instantly broken and I considered our relationship was over.
After some weeks, my ex made contact to meet up. After thinking about it, I rejected the idea. I was very hurt when the break up happened, and I still was. I'm working on that but yes, I am still hurt. I saw my ex's contact approach as some way to ease their guilt or conscience after what happened and I wasn't ready in my own head to help them out with that. I saw nothing in it for me, you could say.
Right or wrong, that's the way I was thinking. I haven't heard anything from them since. But, and the OP may be interested by this part, I have moved on a bit from then and I feel I would have a more positive response if my ex asked again to meet up. But I would not make the approach myself.
I suggest that your original approach out of the blue to your friends online got a negative response almost by default. Based on my own experience, you might find that once the friends you contacted have had some time to think about it, they might be more open to another approach.
Once you don't badger or harrass them of course, I suggest it might be worth another try. If the response is still negative, then you may have to face the fact that it may not be going to happen for you, OP.

LegacyUser

Hey

Im in a very similar situation, I had a nervous breakdown because of this my friends ditched me.

My counsellor told me to find closure with them within myself, which i interpreted to contact them (he didn't mean this). So I tried to make contact for some kind of closure never really had any intention of being their friend anymore just to explain some of the hurtful stuff i might of said or done and what was going on in my head at the moment and to say sorry. I got some of the most hurtful comments that I had ever had thrown my way in their response, these girls knew what would hurt and they said it, which didn't do my head any favour My confidence was shattered and It was probably one of the lowest times of my life. But (after many hrs considering their actions) in the end I am sorta glad that she responded. Not knowing what their attitude towards you is the worst feeling in the world imo.

I have finally started to move on make new friends etc. Through the closure that I got although was damaging at the time it has really helped me to see true friends. I was suppose to be close to these girls but i couldn't tell my issue with comfortably. Their actions after my breakdown made me realise I did not have a support group I could trust and that i too needed to change to make sure my issues will not affect me as much as they had in the past

If i was the OP i would try another time or a different way because even if they completely disregard any of your feelings at least you know how they feel (if that is important to you).
I would also check with whomever your going to therapy with and discuss your worst or best case scenario. I didn't do this and my counsellor and he thought that this probably stunted my progression for a while as I hadn't dealt with my issues fully.

And as a bit of advice these people will not be able to understand what actually has being going on in your head since you stopped being friends with them and it would be easier for you if you have all that you want to say planned in advance. Meeting them will be very emotional and sometimes i find that i cant remember what to say or il leave something out. it is very important because it mite be your only chance to talk to them about the past.

Whether you should close that phase in your life i believe depends on how these girls approach this situation and how you feel after. You cant erase the effect that they had on you past but you can limit the effect they will have on your future.

Hope this helps,
best of luck hope everything works out for you.