What sort of a man am I?

Jalvic2

Ok I’m new to this so please be patient.

I’m a 40 year old man, happily married to the woman I’ve been with for most of my life. We have 3 great kids, a nice home and not too many money worries.

Life is pretty good but for one thing: She doesn’t like sex.

I like to consider myself a generous and considerate lover but she just lies there like a dead body, God forgive me! We make love about 3 or 4 times a year and it’s just awful. She won’t talk about it and just gets really angry if I try.

To complicate matters, there’s a girl who drinks with me and my friends on a Saturday night. It’s supposed to be a lad’s night out but she’s a friend of one of the guys. Anyway, she and I get like a house on fire. I really enjoyed her company for a while but then started to fall in love with her. The last 6 months have been hell for me because I'm still (mostly) happily married – fighting these feelings, hiding how I feel, consumed by guilt, not sleeping, snapping at the kids. She’s single and quite liberated sexually with lots of partners she is only too happy to tell us about. I get very jealous when she tells these stories because I have become so close to her in every aspect of her life except the physical one.

Then, last Saturday night I was very drunk and took her aside and you know what’s coming: Yes, I told her that I keep falling in love with her and it came as a total shock to her. It was also a shock to me that she had not noticed my deep affection and that it was completely one-way. The next morning she texted and said “Let’s forget that ever happened and carry on as usual”. But I was so relieved at having told her I replied “but I meant everything I said”. And I did mean it.

So, naturally, she hasn’t texted me back since. This is sad because we would communicate 4 or 5 times a day normally. And I love her as a friend and still think she’s amazing but am glad if it’s all over because it still really hurts. But I'm also very sad about this.

So as I though this through during the week (and I was hurting BIG time), I tried to become intimate with my wife who was having none of it! I realised I just wanted sex. I thought if I registered with Adult Friend Finder or something I could find a f-buddy and get over losing someone I loved. Now I just don’t know.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long letter! If you have any advice I’d really appreciate it.

star-pants

First of all, you need to address your marriage, that comes before your own personal needs.
You and your wife have issues, intimate ones, and are there others? Have you guys been to a counsellor?

You've been cranky with your family because you've fallen for some girl who hangs out with you and now you've told her she is reluctant to be friends (As would most).
Joining a site and getting a fck buddy isn't solving the issue at hand, it's a temporary solution that will probably just magnify your problems at home.

You need to sit down with your wife and discuss things, do you even still want to be with her? if you're falling in love with someone else/looking elsewhere? It's not fair on her either. You need to think about what you really want, and discuss it with your wife and come to a decision. Sorting out where you get your sex isn't the crux of the problem.

Jalvic2

Counsellor? No, because in her eyes everything is ok. No I'm not sure I want to be with her going forward but would never risk my kids happiness with a messy separation. I am prepared to tread water for another 10 years until my youngest finishes school and will do everything I can to keep the home a loving, caring, safe place for everyone. I never had that as a kid and am determined to do it for mine. You're wrong about this being a "where to get sex" issue and sweeping generalisations do not help either.

BUT thanks for taking the time to reply!

FunkZ

You sir need to introduce handcuffs to you and your wifes sexual relationship!
And forget about other women as it'll affect others way too seriously.

But handcuffs... wife... bed pole!

LegacyUser

Hi there OP,

I think you sound like an honest man who is hurting at the moment. A desire for sex and intimate contact is a basic human desire. I don't think the f buddy will help your situation - it will if anything make you feel more isolated and down on yourself. I think it is not only sex you are missing with your wife but the emotional connection and feeling fundamentally loved. I believe that's why you found the friend so attractive, you see her as providing all the things your wife cannot. It's not reality - its a way of escaping your pain. You need to tell you wife how you feel. If she won't listen write her an email or letter. Maybe she has no idea of how you feel. I think couples counselling would be a great idea. maybe you can find out what is going on for your wife in terms if of sex. It would also give you a chance to look at your relationships as a whole. I doubt your wife not having sex is the cause of all your problems. You also need to take a look at yourself in the relationship perhaps. Fight for your marriage and if it doesn't work then you at least tried. I know it's not easy but you have taken the first step. Now keep going. Good luck. You seem like an honest decent man.

LegacyUser

A pretty poor excuse for one, frankly. So many things wrong with this that I just don't know where to begin!

For a start, can I say taking your mid-life crisis deal out on your kids is horrible. Snapping at your children because you're chasing after a woman, (while you're already married) who has not shown any indication of being attracted to you, is lower than low. You can't say you're happily married if you're sulking because you love someone else and they don't love you back. You've already betrayed your family pretty badly. You're being horrible to your kids and you've emotionally cheated on your wife. You knew you were having inappropriate feelings for this girl yet you still persisted in contacting her. Then you landed your baggage on her by telling her you loved her. She was obviously taken aback and gave you a chance to walk away with dignity but you made it worse by continuing. Then when she didn't want you, you ran back to your wife who also didn't want you (and to be honest, a lot of women sense when their man is not completely theres and if you were spending your days contacting another woman, I'm not surprised she wasn't interested). Now you are prepared to betray your wife in an even more dangerous way and the girl that you claim to love by looking for a **** buddy.

So, back to the real issue. I doubt you loved this girl at all. Lust, lust, lust, lust, lust. You say you have a happy marriage yet you risk it all for...nothing. You are going to blame it all on your wife's disinterest in sex when you haven't really made an effort to change things (according to your post). If you couldn't live without sex then you should have either divorced your wife or moved heaven and earth to find out what the problem is and how to solve it. It's very hard to be that disloyal to someone that you really love so I'm doubting you love anyone really.

I know my opinion comes across as harsh but it's one thing to **** up your own life, it's another to drag everyone else down with you, including your kids. Have some respect for your family and do the right thing. Either sort things out properly with your wife or else end the relationship and **** about all you like. Your home is not a loving ,caring, secure place if the father is snapping at the kids because he can't get his bit.

SarahSassy

Well tell her things have gotten so serious for you that you are going to a counsellor to assess your options... Tell her that you want a sex life and that you want it with her. Tell her this is not the life you signed up for and that you are close to breaking point.

If she doesnt listen to this then she is never going to change and you are going to either continue to live with her but with an informal seperation and take your sex life and relationship life outside of the situation or put up with it and live with a sexless marriage. Can you move into a seperate bedroom if she is not willing to see a counsellor or discuss it. It might give her a bit of a fright.

A fling with a stranger or this girl (kudos to her for walking away) is only a wimp out. Face your wife and deal with that before you move on to another relationship (and drag an innocent 3rd party into this mess)....

star-pants

Jalvic2 wrote: »

Counsellor? No, because in her eyes everything is ok. No I'm not sure I want to be with her going forward but would never risk my kids happiness with a messy separation. I am prepared to tread water for another 10 years until my youngest finishes school and will do everything I can to keep the home a loving, caring, safe place for everyone. I never had that as a kid and am determined to do it for mine. You're wrong about this being a "where to get sex" issue and sweeping generalisations do not help either.

BUT thanks for taking the time to reply!

I'm not saying it's a 'where to get sex' issue but you're not making it a marriage issue either, which it is.

Everything in her eyes is ok, and you're ok with that? Just going to keep 'treading water' till 10years down the line then hit her with it?
And as for a loving caring safe place - you've already said you snap at the kids and you're cranky, so how is that contributing to a safe environment?
Having two parents stay together just for the sake of it doesn't always work out, children aren't stupid and can see more than you realise.

So you want what advice? How to help you join adult friendfinder / get over the girl you 'fell in love' with? As SarahSassy said, face your wife and deal with the issues at hand.
*try* talking to her, explaining how you feel, you don't know what she might say in response - she might be feeling certain things too, you won't know till you talk to her. You can talk to her away from the children, and assess what you guys want to do.

Jalvic2

I hear what you're saying, star-pants, but every conversation about this starts with my taking the blame, then being shouted at then, occasionally, having things thrown at me. I'm a big guy, I can take that. the point is there is COMPLETE denial on her part. I don't know if anyone else has had that experience?

Yes, I would read water for 10 years which sounds mad to you but again, I'm sure I'm not the first to do that. the snapping at the kids has stopped because it came from frustration at not being able to be with the other girl. Strangely, when I realised it was only me who felt in love, it stopped and I became relieved and a little happier.

I know this is a complex issue and so there is no simple answer. "Go and talk to your wife" hasn't worked and it is not the answer to ever marital problem.

Thanks Sarah for replying too.

star-pants

It's not the answer to everything no, I agree, but it's a start.
As she's refusing to talk to you, well that's just a cop out on her behalf. She just says there isn't a problem? And throws things at you? Big guy or not, noone shoudl throw things at each other. IF she was a big lady would you be justified in throwing something at her?

I understand why you want to keep things as they are until your children are grown up, (and realise how difficult it would be for you) but it's just I'd hate the thoughts that my parents stayed together just for us. But each situation has it's own complications. Have you thought about a counsellor on your own?
Would your wife even remotely consider going to one? If you were serious enough?
Personally I couldn't stand someone to dismiss what you're trying to discuss, blaming it on me and throwing things at me. That's some anger and underlying issues (with her) right there.
Just that surely this might only get worse? you being frustrated/unhappy, and assumidly she's not overly happy too if she reacts this way to you wanting to talk.

SarahSassy

OP I meant above that you should tell her you are going on your own...

Maybe a new tack would be to organise for someone to take the kids for a night and whisk her away to a hotel???

What about the seperate bedroom thing??? It may shock her into some sense and into talking to you.

Jalvic2

Actually no, I never thought of a counsellor on my own! That's a great idea! An idea where I'd find one?
Yes she has issues and I've tried to talk them through with her but they keep surfacing. Look she's a great girl and a fantastic mother but one this one thing she's impossible. I love her and I always will but I'm not in love with her as this recent episode shows.

Sarah - we go away regularly alone and everything is great until we go to bed. I won't move into another bedroom because I still remember my parents doing that when I was about 6 and it was the beginning of the end. But thanks again for the advice.

SarahSassy

Jalvic2 wrote: »

Actually no, I never thought of a counsellor on my own! That's a great idea! An idea where I'd find one?
Yes she has issues and I've tried to talk them through with her but they keep surfacing. Look she's a great girl and a fantastic mother but one this one thing she's impossible. I love her and I always will but I'm not in love with her as this recent episode shows.

Sarah - we go away regularly alone and everything is great until we go to bed. I won't move into another bedroom because I still remember my parents doing that when I was about 6 and it was the beginning of the end. But thanks again for the advice.

You could try Accord. I believe you can make a contribution and its not a holy holy advisory service.

Do go... You need help with this and you are effectively trying to fly a plane on one wing....

Not trying to be smart but the beginning of the end has already commenced. You are not acting like a married couple so why just keep up appearances.. She is not taking your problem seriously... Its time to make her take it seriously.

star-pants

Btw I wasn't saying she's not a good mother / person. But just her manner towards you isn't the nicest.
You're in south dublin yes?
Hmm there's http://www.mrcs.ie/relationship_counselling.php but I'm not 100% if they do single partner - but there's no problem in ringing and enquiring.
Other places are listed here
Counselling for yourself might help you cope with things, or give you better insight into the situation.

It might make things a bit easier, and I hope it does

Jalvic2

Thanks Sarah. It's very good advice and I'll look into it.

And Star-pants - I know you never said that but I wanted to be clear on that point. Again, it's excellent advice and I'll follow up on it and let you know what they say.

This whole thing i so bizarre and while relatively small is fundamental to everything.

Thanks again you two!

LadyJ

First of all, stop all of this bollox about adult friend finder. It's a quick fix to a far more complicated problem and in the long run it will complicate things more. You're a 40 year old married man with kids. I know it's not exactly like you imagined it would be but marriage is about communication and it is not always easy, as I'm sure you've worked out already.

Your wife obviously has issues with sex/intimacy. You say she's in denial and you've tried talking to her and that hasn't worked. Time to find another way to handle things. As others have said, go to a counsellor and talk out your own feelings. Try to find solutions and bounce ideas around as to how you might help your wife to open up a bit more and talk about how you are coping and find solutions as to how to cope better.

People can develop issues with sex for many, many reasons (body image, bad experiences etc.). However, you will not get to the bottom of your wife's problem by acting out. Try everything you can before you give up. If you go to counselling, you will realise that you can open up totally when you feel like you are in a safe space. You may be able to develop a better understanding of what your wife needs in order to open up either to you or to a professional.

If eventually you can get through this together, then you may realise that your love for her never went away but don't destroy all hope for the future by fúcking around with other women because you're horny. I know it can't be easy but cut that crap right out of your head and focus on the problem at hand and look for a solution if you really care about your wife and family.

LegacyUser

Maybe I m missing out on something obvious here, but If you (the OP) are suffering because of lack of intimacy this is a serious issue.
I think the big question is Do you LOVE her?, your wife I mean.
Once you have that answer in your head and in your mind, the rest should become clear. Kids can live with separated parents that are happy, you hurt them more by being unhappy, my parents are separated I remember when they were together and it was just really sad, and I never knew why, then it came like a bomb, and it was terrible for a while. for both of them but then they were ok. And now I can see it was for the best.

This is why the Do you love her, is the important thing, if you do, fix this, tell her that you feel like this because that you need to touch her , that sex is actually great (more so with someone you love)

Stop "Threading water" and trying to "find a foock buddy" that wont help anyone, actually it could destroy a very nice part of you.

Also I think most people were really damn judgmental , this is life, this **** happens all the time, stop acting so incredibly parochial about other peoples feelings. I m glad you are trying to deal with this somehow.

Hope you find out.

Cheers

Jalvic2

Thanks LostSoul - I was beginning to wonder if all the advice would have a little anger to it and then you popped up.

And thanks too LadyJ.

SarahSassy

To be fair OP, the bulk of the points raised are very valid.

LegacyUser

They where fair but on the judgmental side of things, the default was that the wife was right, if the problem was being raised by a woman, (ie same story as the op but a woman) people would be less harsh ( i ve seen in in thread here)

Either way, I think although the OP could have done wrong, he hasn't and he's going crazy, he is not happy and he s trying to find a solution, fair play I say, we all deserve to be happy, as long as we try not to hurt other people.

I am a woman, and went through a very similar thing in the past, there is nowhere more lonely that went you can't touch who you love most and than, in theory, loves you back.

All the best

SarahSassy

I dont think anyone thinks the wife is right. I think she is HUGELY wrong... She is grossly mistreating him but the points being made, harshly in some cases, was that him going out sleeping around would not help...

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

My reading on this thread is that you are indeed in denial too. You are suffering serious intimacy and sex deficit and it is affecting your rationality. It is not surprising :rolleyes:

I didn't see anywhere if you said she has changed since you dated and married her. Was she always a dead fish ? what happened to change things ? if she was, then why did you go ahead and marry her ? If she was always the same she may be resentful that you are complaining now after not having a problem with her earlier...

I agree with many of the other posts. However I also know that there are many kinds of solutions. If you find sex elsewhere in a safe and secure and regular way - then that may well allow you to go on giving your kids a nice happy childhood before you move on when they are old enough. It is undeniably one possibility.

However I personally think that a major effort to wake your wife up to a reality check is the first thing to do.

All the best

AMK

Was this always an issue for you? You're with your wife a long time so either she has always had a lower sex drive than you or something happened to put her off you. What I'm driving at is - did you start to fancy this other girl and then create a problem in your head about your sex life with your wife in order to justify trying to get off with the girl? I'm not being critical - you are obviously unhappy and struggling with this and you have my sympathy. But we are all told these days that an affair is a sign of a problem in a marriage. It is pretty easy to turn that around in your head to a problem in my marriage means it's OK for me to have an affair. But it's just copping out.

You realise you're playing with fire. Even if your wife isn't interested in having a sexual relationship with you, you are stilll her husband and if it came out that you were playing away she would most likely kick you out. She probably knows you have someone on your mind but if you go any further in looking for sex outside your marriage you could lose a lot more than you gain.

If it is the case that your wife wasn't always as uninterested in sex as she is now, it might be an idea to have a think about things and try and pinpoint when the change occurred. In particular, think about her work load. A mother of three children has to work hard and exhaustion is the number one killer of libido. Also think about division of work in the home. My ex-husband used to sleep on the sofa from about nine thirty until one or two in the morning while I did the housework etc. as I work full-time during the day. He'd be completely refreshed at bed time and ready for a good romp. Apart from being knackered from working too hard, I deeply resented his assumption that this was OK. Men often say 'my wife has lost interest in sex' but it's never really true. They have lost interest in sex with one particular man - their husband. If Brad Pitt landed in the bed most women would get interested pretty fast.

Of course, if she was always less interested that you then that is a different issue and needs resolution. A counsellor would give you some help in finding ways to communicate with your wife about this. And if she knew you were seeing a counsellor yourself, it might hit home how big an issue this is for you.

Either way, trying to run around with other women is not a solution. You will make yourself look ridiculous and as you sound like a pretty decent sort of guy you would probably end up not feeling too good about yourself either.

Separation is painful. It is also expensive. Think long and hard before you jeopardise the life you have now.

Amazotheamazing

AMK wrote: »

If it is the case that your wife wasn't always as uninterested in sex as she is now, it might be an idea to have a think about things and try and pinpoint when the change occurred. In particular, think about her work load. A mother of three children has to work hard and exhaustion is the number one killer of libido. Also think about division of work in the home. My ex-husband used to sleep on the sofa from about nine thirty until one or two in the morning while I did the housework etc. as I work full-time during the day. He'd be completely refreshed at bed time and ready for a good romp. Apart from being knackered from working too hard, I deeply resented his assumption that this was OK. Men often say 'my wife has lost interest in sex' but it's never really true. They have lost interest in sex with one particular man - their husband. If Brad Pitt landed in the bed most women would get interested pretty fast.

That's a cop out, even if it's a sad reality. If the OP's wife is struggling on with exhaustion from what you describe (which she may not be), men aren't mind readers. She should tell her husband that she's too tired, and why she's too tired, and they should work together to find a solution, divide the housework, give the kids extra chores, whatever.

I swear it amazes me that women still haven't grasped that men aren't mindreaders. I also think it's amazing women don't understand that men and women perceive housework in different ways, a man may not appreciate a) how much work is required and b) how important certain tasks are.

Anyhow, the oP has tried to engage with his wife several times and she has shut down on him. There's limits to every one's patience, he's tried to open communication, she has refused. He needs to raise her awareness of how serious the problem is for him, and this is a hugely difficult thing to manage. If he goes for counselling on his own, he could end convincing his wife that is him, and not her, with the problem.

Ultimately, I think the only thing he can do is attempt a frank conversation with his wife and if she continues to ignore the reality, he needs to accept his marriage is over and get professional advice as how best to end it.

Anyhow, as an aside, think what could be achieved if we had a national, annual "Ladies, he's not a mind reader" day? Just one day in 365 where women could make the effort to explain to men about the things that they think are important but us men remain wonderfully ignorant of. Open the communication channels and actually engage in straight talking conversations, because sadly, too many women think a man should be able to decipher War & Peace from the volume of her sighs.

Jalvic2

Wow- thanks for all of that! To answer 2 of the more important questions I think her change in attitude came gradually over the birth of our 3 kids - a 4 year period - and while things weren't wild in the bedroom before that, they were pretty good! Tiredness is not the issue here.
My attraction towards the other girl was an accident. I had not gone out looking for someone to fall for, it just happened gradually and it was incredibly painful. But I think that's over now.

ak39

Hiya OP, reading your original post and the subsequent replies remind me an awful lot of when I broke up with my wife some years ago.

What I'm wondering is, apart from the birth of the kds and the gradual decrease in your wife's sex drive, was there anything that happened in your wife's life around that time that has had such an effect on her that she has totally shut herself off emotionally and physically from you ?

Rather than getting into the nitty gritty, my wife shut down physically too and looking back now, I realise that she had actually mentally and emotionally withdrawn from the marriage and sex just stopped for a year. I know what it's like, totally heartbreaking, the rejection and feelings of hopelessness. The lack of sex is then magnified and takes on a world of it's own. What I'm trying to say is, I think that in some way, your wife could be trying to call it a day on the marriage or certainly cease to be a part of the marriage as it currently stands. Her refusal to go to counselling kinda backs this up.

I assure you she knows how you're feeling and how much you miss the physical aspect of the marriage and also what the consequences of having no intimacy in a marriage.

Is it possible that she is seeing somebody else ? That is what happened to me and in hindsight, all of the telltale signs were there.

I would encourage you to go to counselling yourself, this has had and will continue to have a massive effect on you irrespective of what happens in the marriage. Maybe she will come around and agree to go with you, hopefully she can and you can start from the start.

I wouldn't actually worry too much about your friend, she will come around and start being your friend again after she has digested your bombshell ! It might be an idea to tell her about your current problems. As regards the f buddy idea, it's natural that you are having those feeings, hang in there for a while yet before making such a rash decision as once you cross that bridge, it's curtains on everything really.

The best of luck to you anyway :-)