Need councilor for relationship help

lonelyboy

I have a problem, I'm male, 25, and have never had a girlfriend.

About a year ago at the age of 24, I lost my virginity to a prostitute because I had had enough and just wanted to experience it. In a way this was a good experience as it confirmed for me that my interest isn't just in sex but more that I want to be in a relationship. And since then I haven't ever considered going to one again. Gay as it sounds I want to wake up beside someone, share experiences with someone, love someone. I'm even crying now thinking about what I am missing out on in my life.

Now I know there are many threads like this and i have read the advice but as I am sure many of you know it is so much easier said than done. So i have decided I need professional help, and so am on here looking for advice.

I know people can't post details of councilors on here, thats why I've set up a new account so i can recieve pm's. I know there are lists available of councilors available but I was hoping someone could give me details of someone they know or have been to that is good at this.

I also would prefer a youngish female counsellor, I know this seems like a strange request but I did once go see a college councilor who was older than my mum and so tbh it just felt strange talking to her. I also think I would find it easier to open up to a female rather than a male.

I don't want to make post too long so will leave it at that, but if anyone can help in any way I would really appreciate and am happy to answer any questions. I'm based in Dublin btw.

star-pants

lonelyboy wrote: »

Gay as it sounds I want to wake up beside someone, share experiences with someone, love someone. I'm even crying now thinking about what I am missing out on in my life.

Just wanted to say that's not gay in the slightest. Albeit I'm female but that's all I want in life too, and I understand how you're feeling. It's natural to want to share your life with someone - very natural.

why do you feel you need counselling on relationships? do you feel there might be underlying/other issues? (not asking you to say what)
Have you tried dating at all?

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I know wat u mean, I was in the same position as you. I thought it was all about wanting sex, then when I got it. I realised too, that I just wanted to be with someone and live my life with her. Im lucky enough to have found her, but I needed help from my councillor to get to this point. I too prefer female councillors. Im male and I feel stupid talking to another male about sensitive stuff and feelings. you are not alone in your thinkin or your position.

lonelyboy

Reading back I see I've kind of missed the what I meant to say.

Have I tried dating? No, I wish I could but this is where my problem lies

I am lacking in self-confidence when it comes to chatting up girls.

It doesn't help that I'm generally a shy person and and quite content to sit back and just listen if there is a conversation among a group. If I end up in a one to one situation I often have trouble keeping up the conversation.

So my problem doesn't lie in relationships it is more to do with building relationships.

I am aware of all the advice, just say hello to girls, talk to them as you would anyone, join hobby groups, and I know at the end of the day it is down to me, no one else can fix this problem.

But I still feel the advice of a councilor and the chance to open up, which I don't feel I currently have, could help.

So I am looking for advice in going to a councilor if anyone can pm me details of someone they have been to. Or even basic stuff do I need a GP referal, anything really.

Edit: just saw your post similar guy any chance you can pm me who your councilor was

Cleopatra12

Nope you do not need a referral, but i think therapy might be better than a counselling service. From personal experience, they delve much deeper. Psychoanalytical psychotherapy is great.

lonelyboy

I had a quick google of Psychoanalytical psychotherapy couldn't seem to find anyone practicing but I sent an email off to their institute the IIPP.

Also can anyone advise of the approximate cost of such sessions with therapists or consellors. If they help me overcome my problem I am quite happy to pay, but at the end of the day there is only so much I can spare.

star-pants

You could try calling the Clanwilliam institute, they do psychotherapy and are good
http://www.clanwilliam.ie/

sachamama

please dont fixate on a particular gender or age for your counsellor, just look for somebody who can help you.

Go to the IACP website (www.irish-counselling.ie/) and look up your location and there is a list of accredited counsellors.

Cost for a session can be from 60-110 depending on the counsellor and whether or not they have a sliding scale. It could be that you need some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, this is very useful for discovering what it is that is keeping you from dating, and gives you exercises and homework to work on to turn your thought process from negative to positive. So if you look through the names of whoever is available in your area to see who does CBT that could be a lot more useful than trying to guess their age, or going for a woman only.

All people on this list are accredited and therefore should be good, if you find you are not getting what you need from a session you have every right to say this to the counsellor when you see them and that in fact can lead to a very productive relationship. And if you don't like them, or dont "click" then you can close the work. You are not obliged to sign up for a certain number of sessions with anyone.

Best of luck,
Sachamama

abceire

hi , just thought i d share my gf history as it might make yours seem not so bad, i was 28 before i meet a wonderful finnish girl who ended up being my gf for 3years,she lived here and i even moved to finland when she got home sick and moved back to finland, its hard to see yourself finding someone, but i think if your a good guy then it ll happen for you,i m single now about 2 months and miss her so much its hard to do anything, but i d not change the last 3 years for anything
so i suppose chin up mate it ll happen for you too,good idea goin to talk to someone about this, but your not that strange, i know a few of my ex s mates who have never had a boyfriend and there around 27,they are really nice ladies and easy on the eyes, so your not all that rare
and totally not gay to want someone to share your life with

MontgomeryClift

Counselling or psychotherapy might not do any good. You already know your problem inside out. Talking about it might work, but counsellors tend to take the view that if you fix other things in your life, your problem with women will fix itself, when you know that it's the other way around.

Shyness is an emotional problem, so only practical experience can overcome it. In the US they have 'practice dating,' where a mixed group are organised to go on dates, to do away with shyness. Apparently it yields good results.

I don't think we're as organised as that here yet, unfortunately. Though, if there is any such thing in this country, please let us know here so the rest of us can get help too.

Cleopatra12

MontgomeryClift wrote: »

I'm not sure counselling or psychotherapy will do any good. You already know your problem inside out, and no amount of talking to counsellors will help.

I have to disagree with you there. People go to therapy and the like cos they know they have an issue that requires dealing with. Therapy gives you the skills/insight to work through the issues/problems and discover a way to change your mode of thinking/pattern of behaviour.

There is no quick fix to anything, but i do appreciate that there are many paths that people take to reslove things. The difficult part of it is to find something that works for you individually. When you do find the right path, it can be so insightful.

dreadlocks

You might need to broaden your circle of friends incorporating some girls in there who would build up your confidence in dealing with girls you actually fancy. You have self-esteem issues also, improving your self-image, maintaining a healthy varied lifestyle would increase your confidence and help you in your efforts with girls which I think are secondary to the issues you face personally.