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getting him back

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  • 29-08-2009 8:50am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hey all, hoping some people on here can help me with this one!
    So I'd been going out with a guy for about a year, and admitedly in the past month or so we'd been having problems. We'd been fighting a lot, and I'd been acting quite distant towards him, though I didn't really know why. I'd even been thinking about ending it with him because I wasn't sure I still wanted to be with him.
    Then a few nights ago, we had a fight, and he said he needed a break and I agreed.
    He was saying he still loved me, and when I asked if this really meant we were breaking up and I'd just never see him again, he said he'd never be able to do that because he still loved me. we agreed we'd meet up on sunday to talk about it, and he said he still counted me as his debs date(debs is in a month.)
    the next day I text him asking what exactly a break meant, were we allowed get with other people?
    he said he didn't see any way it could work with us, and he though we should just break up. he didn't even seem to care if we met up on sunday or not. so basically the complete opposite of what he said the night before.
    I just don't see how this happened, and I'm devastated that he would end this long a relationship without even trying to fix it, and by text. I really thing if we just talked some stuff over, we could be happy together again.
    Its completely out of character for him, he's always been a really sweet considerate guy who treated me so well.
    I'm sorry this is so long but I felt I needed to explain everything. So does anyone have any advice for what I should say to make him realise how stupidly he's behaving?
    Should I even want to get back with him after this?
    thanks for any advice, i'm going mad here.


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    #2
    puglover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 442 ✭✭puglover


    You asked your bf if it was ok if you got with other people... and now you're wondering why he wants to break up with you??

    i'm sure you're a sensible girl. Think about it.


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    #3
    Piglet85
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭Piglet85


    I have to agree with Puglover. You seem to be in denial about the fact that there is almost undoubtedly a connection between those two things, I don't think he just decided it out of the blue. If I was on a break with my boyfriend and the next morning he texted to ask if it was ok to see other people, I don't think I'd be very pleased. Imagine how he feels? He's probably really hurt and his pride has taken a knock, so to be honest I don't think his reaction is a surprise.

    What were you thinking? Do you want to see other people? Or were you sussing him out to see if he was going to? If it's the latter, you should have been straight with him and asked if he was intending to. The way you phrased it wasn't the best, so if you actually didn't want to see anyone else, you need to try talk to him about it and explain yourself.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hey OP here, probably should have said what exactly he text back, don't think I explained properly. when I asked that he said "i dunno", and i wrote back "if the point of this break is to help our relationship, then I think it'll only make things worse, if its not then I suppose it doesn't really matter"
    then he said I don't think it can work, and we should just break up.
    sorry was worried about it being too long so didn't say all that.
    so yeah it was pretty clear I didn't mean I wanted to get with other people I think?
    I think his friends have turned him against me to be honest, he went out with them after we decided to go on a break, and the next day, he wantedd nothing more to do with me really.
    they're all single, i think they want him to be too.


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    #5
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    unregistered wrote: »
    I think his friends have turned him against me to be honest, he went out with them after we decided to go on a break, and the next day, he wantedd nothing more to do with me really.
    they're all single, i think they want him to be too.

    OP I dont mean to be mean but you are clutching at straws here. If he wanted to be with you no one could make him stay away... You may have to accept that he got sick of your behaviour and has just decided to move on. I would suggest you let him off, the less attention you pay him, the greater the chance he will come back.

    SS

    PS you never should have asked him that question... What good was an answer either way going to be?


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    OP I dont mean to be mean but you are clutching at straws here. If he wanted to be with you no one could make him stay away... You may have to accept that he got sick of your behaviour and has just decided to move on. I would suggest you let him off, the less attention you pay him, the greater the chance he will come back.

    SS

    PS you never should have asked him that question... What good was an answer either way going to be?

    Well how else do you explain the sudden change in attitude from the night before? before he went out with his friends he still loved me, and wanted to get back together in a few weeks. Afterwards, he didn't care if he ever saw me again.
    anyway we're meeting up tomorrow to talk, I'm going to apologise for the way I was behaving, explain the reasons behind it, and see where it goes from there, hopefully he will give me another chance. I've tried the ignoring approach before and regretted it, this time I'm letting him know how I feel, even if it means being rejected. theres no point lying to save face.
    The reason I wanted to ask about other people was because "break" is such a vague term, I don't really see the difference between a break and breaking up, unless you stay faithful during the break.


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    #7
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Dont bother getting contrary with me - its that attitude that got you to where you are now....

    Maybe he enjoyed a night out with his friends and no grief and maybe they did tell him that there is no point being with someone who wrecks your head... The reality is though that if he actually wanted to be going out with you he would not have said it was either a break / breaking up (which actually means the same thing). That is total BS saying we will get back together in 3 weeks time.... Come on - why would he take the chance if he truly loved you?


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Dont bother getting contrary with me - its that attitude that got you to where you are now....

    Maybe he enjoyed a night out with his friends and no grief and maybe they did tell him that there is no point being with someone who wrecks your head... The reality is though that if he actually wanted to be going out with you he would not have said it was either a break / breaking up (which actually means the same thing).

    how am I getting contrary I was only trying to explain what I meant?
    and to be honest you don't know me, you have no idea what attitude got me here.

    so you think I shouldn't bother trying to fix it? should just hand over his stuff tomorrow and move on? and thats me genuinely asking advice btw


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    #9
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    unregistered wrote: »
    Well how else do you explain the sudden change in attitude from the night before?

    Apolgies if this was not intended as I took it up...

    Anyway, look I dont know you or him and I hope if he is right for you that you get him back and live to be 100 together... The reality is that I would not leave my OH for a few weeks because I love him too much. i would not take the risk that we would not get back together - do you see where I am coming from????

    You seem to be trying to get a reaction from him with the questions and also by meeting him already.... He dumped you - why are you chasing him? If I were your sister this is what I would be saying to you... Any time I have been dumped and run after him it has never worked out long term - maybe for a while but the same old problems resurfaced cos I was so glad to have him back I ignored why we broke up.... Food for thought..

    Read this - your comments from above and tell me if this is good enough for you "I just don't see how this happened, and I'm devastated that he would end this long a relationship without even trying to fix it, and by text. "

    He bloody dumped you by text and without trying to fix it- why are you chasing after that?? Come on.....


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Apolgies if this was not intended as I took it up...

    Anyway, look I dont know you or him and I hope if he is right for you that you get him back and live to be 100 together... The reality is that I would not leave my OH for a few weeks because I love him too much. i would not take the risk that we would not get back together - do you see where I am coming from????

    You seem to be trying to get a reaction from him with the questions and also by meeting him already.... He dumped you - why are you chasing him? If I were your sister this is what I would be saying to you... Any time I have been dumped and run after him it has never worked out long term - maybe for a while but the same old problems resurfaced cos I was so glad to have him back I ignored why we broke up.... Food for thought..

    Read this - your comments from above and tell me if this is good enough for you "I just don't see how this happened, and I'm devastated that he would end this long a relationship without even trying to fix it, and by text. "

    He bloody dumped you by text and without trying to fix it- why are you chasing after that?? Come on.....

    Well the meeting up to talk thing was planned when it was just a break, and we were going to get back together, it was his suggestion. Now its kinda just become a hand over each others stuff meet up.
    I take your point, I shouldn't be running after him. I was thinking of breaking up with him anyway, I dunno why I'm so upset now. It probably is for the best really, it just seems easier to stay with him I suppose. Thanks I think I really needed someone to give me the blunt truth. Wish all men didn't turn out to be the same in the end.


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    #11
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Well I guess what I would try to do is leave the meeting and have a long think about the following:
    • Why you were so upset and annoyed with him for so long.
    • Why you didnt break up with him when you had been thinking about it - were you annoyed with him in reality cos you actually were going off him and he was wrecking your head?
    • If you want to be with someone who would have so little respect for you as to break up with you over text...
    • Why you really want him back - what was so good between you so as to forgive him what he has done (dump over text)?
    • Is it just maybe a bit of damaged pride here?
    • Is it fear of being alone?

    You sound now like you had your own doubts so get your head straight before arranging to meet him. Give both of you time to think and decide what you both want. I think your reaction is knee jerk and maybe you dont want to be alone - its understandable but will only (as you know) cause you more heart ache long term.


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