Girlfiend lost interest

ak39

Excuse me for the length of this but there's a huge amount that I have to get off my chest and I have to start somewhere....i'm a divorced father of 2 and 2 years ago met this absolutely wonderful girl...i'm mad about her and love her very much...she's been living me with me for the past year...she gets on extremely well with my 18yr old son but has problems with my 13 yr old daughter - as do i, i'm hoping that this has to do with her age/hormones,etc and that it is only a fad....my girlfriend in the past year has lost her job and can't get work anywhere, she has tried everywhere to no avail, she has tried looking for work abroad and the same result...she also had a bereavement in her family and prior to me meeting her, she had a very bad relationship break up which i'm not 100& sure that she has gotten over yet but do think that our current problems don't have anything to do with that, but then again i've been wrong before !

I'm self employed and always have been, my marriage broke up as a direct consequence of the working hours that i was putting in plus being away so much from my ex wife..any spare time i had i spent with my kids to the detriment of my marriage....the obvious thing happened, my ex met somebody else and she had an affair and i ended up leaving home...she has had 2 kids since and is getting married later in the year...as a consequence of all of this, i'm insecure about myself ( although i put on a very successful facade) and my relationship with my girlfriend....i am very aware of the insecurity and have been trying very hard to control it plus the inevitable jealousy that happens as a result, it has taken me a long time but i do now truly believe that i am on top of the insecurity and jealousy.

My girlfriend ( and i'm not just saying it cause she's my girlfriend) is the single most beautiful woman that i have ever laid eyes upon, she is alslo the sweetest, kndest, gentlest person that i've ever met and i would like to class her as my best friend - as she does me, there has been huge amounts of stuff going on in both of our lives for the past number of years but i do genuinely believe that i would very happily spend the rest of my life with her and would warmly embrace everything that such a situation would encompass.

So at long last to my problemo, she has totally gone off sex with me, when we have it i know she doesn't enjoy it and is only doing it out of guilt or some kind of obligation towards me, it's killing me and funnily enough, killing her too...she says she loves me very much and wants to be with me, she's very down about the job situation and it's affecting her enormously as is the relationship she has with my daughter.

i've tried everything and can't find a solution...we came home earlier, she looked $1000000 and we went to bed, i tried a kiss and a cuddle and she flinched, i'm devastated by the whole thing, dunno what to do, my previosu experience with my ex wife would tell me that it's curtains at this stage, when the cold shoulder is continuous, maybe it's time to call it a day, it would kill me as i'm so madly in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her - please help me !!!

LegacyUser

My instant reaction was to wonder might your girlfriend be depressed ? Anhedonia, or losing interest in pleasurable activities is a symptom. And unemployment and a stressful relationship would certinaly put her at risk for depression.

What do you think OP ? Other symptoms would include depressed mood, sleep disturbance, tearfullness, tiredness, lethargy, appetite disturbances and theres probably some more i can't think of right now. Any of that sound at all relevant ?

sunshine007

Hi....

Been in your GF's shoes before.... 2 contributing factors.... number one could have something to do with the past relationship and whatever went on there and i strongly suspect that this is the major factor here and the main reason for the lack of interest in 'making love'.... now, im no expert in reading into what you have written etc, but if its not that... then its number 2.... which may be hard to take on the chin but - your probably right with the final curtain thing. Been there before also... Ex BF turned into best friend - loved him to bits and i mean that from the bottom of my pencil case but after a few years ... zilch....no feelings there... when i say feelings i mean seductive ones!! and i know why too... whilst i was loving him to bits, he was loving alcohol more... everything that goes with that turned me off!!!

This is your problem page not mine so i wont bore you with the details... but theres 2 possible solutions.... they may not be accurate to yours but they may helo in some way.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

She sounds depressed which could impact her sex drive. Unemployment can be really soul destroying as I've discovered, and it can really impact your self esteem. Until you are in the situation you just dont realise what it does to you. If you're self employed & very busy, could she help you in some way in your business e.g. doing the accounts/answering the phone etc.

The situation with your daughter is hard for her also as she is not her mother and probably feels she has to tread carefully in how she deals with her. I'm sure it's hard for you also as you have to be seen to support both of them without taking sides. This must be all adding to the tension, especially if your g/f has no outlet such as work to go to.

You care a lot about her so please talk to her. Why dont the two of you go away for a weekend to have a break from everything and talk it all through. Best of luck.

Skapoot

It could be either you're in the friend zone, or depression is affecting her sex drive.


Im more inclined to think its depression affecting her feelings towards sex! Ye've been together for a year is it? If the sex life is only going down the drain now, then surely it is because of stress.


You need to talk to her to be honest! Only she has the answer to this.

Contessa Raven

It sounds to me like she might be depressed. Sex drive is one of the first things to go when depression kicks in. You should just sit down when the kids aren't around and ask her if she wants to talk about it. Tell her you've noticed the way she shrinks from you and ask her if you can help her.

You might even find that she's just run down from trying to work things out with your daughter. Sometimes the stress from everyday life can affect our moods and drives. I honestly think she'll open up to you if you make it clear that you only want to help.

You say she loves you so it's most likely a glitch in her emotions.

Best of luck OP!

ak39

Hi and thanks for your responses, they have been very helpful.

Today she asked me what i got up to last night when i was up late, i'm open with her so i told her and ended up showing her my post and your replies...she got very upset - understanadbly enough, reading about her and me and i suppose seeing how desperate that i have been feeling.

There is so much stuff to sort out to get us on the right track and i firmly believe that we can be very happy in every way possible, emotionally, sexually and spiritually...so much so that i asked her to marry me...i've been thinking about it for a long time and held back cause of the work situation, the sex situation and not knowing if she'd be around in the country and i didn't want her to feel that i was trying to keep her here if she wanted to go away somewhere.

We had a very long and sincere chat about everything and she feels that there is just far far too much to get through before making such a committment to me, she is right, i know that now and maybe should have held back but i have never felt like this about anybody before, and no, it's not obsession or that we're in the initial stages of our relationship where everything is so so rosy, it's the real thing for me.

I fully respect that and now will just wait and see what happens, one step at a time....we will both try and get over the different obstacles one at a time and hopefully that will culminate in her finding her mojo again and being able to contemplate spending her life with me.

Wow, a very strange last 15 hours i my life !!

SarahSassy

I dont really understand what needs to be gotten through before the committment is made???

Glad you are feeling a bit better about it all and hope you both find true happiness.

ak39

Hi Sarah, thanks for the reply...as the others posters have suggested, she is/was unbelievably down about the work situation and all of the various elements involved with being unemployed. This has affected the way she lives her life enormously, and in all of the ways that was described above, diet, lethargy, sleepless nights, lack of drive,etc,etc.

We spent most of the w/e chatting about the situation and cleared a lot of issues together. And then funnily enough, a few things also happened on the work front, so it's literally like the rain ahs stopped and the sun is out again and everbody is smiling, fingers crossed that it continues this way.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments, they were much appreciated !

Hopefully the thread is closed now :-)

SarahSassy

Ah I love a happy ending... Best of luck to you both. Hope ye grow to be old and toothless together

SS