Boyfriend NEVER listens

LegacyUser

Hi there

Unregg'd for this one, and can't be too specific as the OH uses boards, but thing is ... he's really starting to get on my nerves because he doesn't appear to listen to me at all.

Now I know us girls can be chatterboxes at the best of times, and let me just start by saying that I don't expect him to remember word - for - word every conversation that we have, but he never remembers a thing we talk about!!

One thing I have to say is that he remembers serious conversations we have. For example if I'm worried about something and I confide in him he will listen, support me and help me through the problem. I appreciate this and I'm glad he can do this for me.

But aside from that, he just doesn't listen to a thing I say. I'm a teacher, and I give grinds in my spare time, and last year I had a grind every week, on the same day, at the same time, and every other day of those weeks he would say "Do you have your grind tonight?" And every week I would say, No! Its on Friday! or whatever day it was.

Other things involve me telling him that I was out with a certain friend shopping, and he will turn around in almost no time after us having the conversation and say "Have you seen X lately??"

Also, if I start to tell him something, I find myself now asking him 4 times before I start "Now are you listening because I'm not repeating this sentence again if you're not" because so many times I have had to repeat what I'm saying because mid-way through the sentence he just turns around and says "What?"

Sometimes he's doing stuff while I'm talking to him, and those times I understand his not being able to concentrate and listen at the same time, but other times there is no excuse for it, I'll be talking to him, and he'll be hanging out the car window like a dog listening to the sounds of other cars engines or whatever!

Well it all came to a head tonight when he rang me and asked me 4 times what I was doing, the fourth time I just snapped and told him "I'm at home sitting at my computer are you deaf or something??"

His argument by the way is ... "Fcuk sake I listen if it's something important, sorry for forgetting silly little things"

So of course this has me in the following mind frame

"Well if he's not going to listen to my silly things, I'm not going to tell him about them, and therefore we can sit in silence until I have something that he deems important enough to listen to to say"

I know thats very childish, but I'm just sooo mad, and as you can see, talking to him about it isn't getting anywhere .... sure he's probably not even listening to that either!!!!!!

StormWarrior

Is he a pot head? My last bf was and he was just like that. Otherwise maybe he's just not really interested in you/your life?

jellyboy

Are you bringing ur work home? are you applying what you feel and think as truth as reality? telling people to listen is pointless.. listening is a skill......do u have control/self esteem issuses? do u feel empty when not listened to? were you listened to as a child?

as a human i tend to put my faults to the back and project them on to other people..it makes it easier to deal with it....look inward....:D

tbh

you're a teacher, right? So you spend all day in an environment where you're starved of adult conversation. By the time you get home, you're probably dying to talk to someone on the same level as yourself. I wonder what does your boyfriend do? If he's like me, he probably spends all his working day with adults, so by the time he comes home, he's probably tired and just wants to chill out.

Look, if what he's not listening to isn't important, by your own admission, then the important thing isn't that he listens, it's that you get a chance to talk. And that's happening, isn't it? I don't think that you are going to change your boyf, and you may lose him if you try. Be grateful for what you have, instead of missing what you don't have.

Of course, if it's hugely important to you, you could always break up and start again.

banquo

I do this sometimes.

/ashamed

I think the other posters here might have hit the nail on the head. We all need to vent and stuff after work, and it's good that you do. It doesn't sound like you overdo it either. I'd say that he just 'tunes out' a bit because he knows that the process of 'listening' is ten times more important to you than the content, while he secretly is picturing you naked. That's how it works for me and my gf sometimes anyway.

Of course, it would get a little annoying the person was so obviously not listening to anything.

Gman1

I agree with StormWarrior on this. I was a pothead, i think it can cause this because I do this aswell. i dont like doing it and I never do it on purpose, but I just find it hard to maintain my attention to a conversation. I get easily distracted, lose attention or day dream in the middle of a conversation. It takes a lot of concentration to listen to whats being said, then I have to respond, and i usually do it badly by repeating what she just last said. You should give out to him, because I never realised it until I was told.

finbarrk

Well if he is like this now I don't think he is going to change.
He probably couldn't give 2 hoots about you ranting about things that happened at your school, and also he probably doesn't go down the road of talking nonscence about what happened during his day.
At least he listens to you when you have important stuff to discuss. A lot of guys are that way, unintentionally.

Jo King

He is probably preoccupied and under probably stress. He automatically filters out all of your chatter. So what if he does not know what night your grind is on? You are taking insult when your partner cannot remember trivia. You need to find out what is bothering by keeping quiet and observing. He might be like may men. He does not wish to reveal his every thought and does not wish to have revealed to him anyone else's thoughts either.

Permabear

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Firetrap

There's filtering out and there's filtering out. In my book this guy seems to be gone beyond ignoring what some people perceive to be idle chatter. Maybe the OP does talk too much (I don't know and can't possibly judge) but he seems to be ignoring an awful lot of what she's saying. It's odd that he's unable/unwilling to remember what night she does the grinds. Or if she's gone shopping, who she's gone with. Makes me wonder how much he does listen to her. I think it might be time for a frank discussion on this.

Permabear

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shellyboo

donegalfella wrote: »

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Yyyyeah... but it's also rude and insensitive to tune someone out just because you're not interested in what they're saying; whatever the reason.

There has to be a middle ground. If someone's not even remotely interested in "the trivia of my life" then I'd be questioning why the hell they're with me in the first place, tbh. When someone continually does not listen, the message they are sending is "you are not worthy of my time and attention". Which is just shitty.

The example the OP gave - her bf not listening to her enough to even remember what night her grind was on - is not acceptable in a relationship. There's a huge difference between tuning out babble and simply not caring enough to listen and be interested in the other person's life.

If the boyfriend isn't getting the 'me time' he needs, that's something he needs to communicate to the gf. If his attention is divided when she's trying to talk to him, he needs to tell her that, and devote a little bit of time later on to listen to what she wants to tell him.

And similarly, OP, you need to be a little less sensitive. It's entirely true that men simply are not interested in the minuitae of what happened at work that day, or what such and such said about whatsherface - they simply do not care. That kind of chit-chat is best resevered for girlfriends, really. It'd be like a guy coming up to me detailing the ins and out of the GAA on Sunday... snoooooooze. I don't care. I can't make myself care. It would be all that I could do to put on a polite expression - and two days later, I couldn't tell you who was PLAYING, never mind who'd won, how many points, etc...

Have you communicated to him how this makes you feel? The title of your thread is kind of combative, so if you've said it to him that way, I'm not surprised it hasn't sunk in. Try talking to him calmly about it - "When you don't listen to me, or remember things that I've told you, it makes me feel uninteresting/unvalued/ignored/boring/worthless... is there anything we can do to make this better? Because I don't want to fall out with you about it."

J Peterman

shellyboo wrote: »

It's entirely true that men simply are not interested in the minuitae of what happened at work that day, or what such and such said about whatsherface - they simply do not care. That kind of chit-chat is best resevered for girlfriends, really. It'd be like a guy coming up to me detailing the ins and out of the GAA on Sunday... snoooooooze. I don't care. I can't make myself care. It would be all that I could do to put on a polite expression - and two days later, I couldn't tell you who was PLAYING, never mind who'd won, how many points, etc...

This is a great point; well said.

Permabear

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shellyboo

donegalfella wrote: »

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No, but him deciding what is and is not important enough for him to listen to and retain isn't very respectful either.

What's happened here is a total breakdown of communication, both are being as disrespectful as the other imo. OP, you need to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss this. Not sling accusations of "you never do this" or "you always do that"... that won't get you anywhere.

NickNolte

OP - the best thing you can take out of this is not to bombard your OH with trivial information when he's trying to do something or after a long days work. Important matters necessitate discussion, of course. The minutae of your day however - who you went shopping with, what shoes you bought, etc. aren't important. You shouldn't expect to rattle off every detail of your day and expect your OH to remember it all. He's got his own life to live too and his own matters to address, you know? If you're constantly bombarding him with tid bits of useless information about your life then he'll get smothered and become very unhappy in the relationship.

I had an ex that used to natter on like nobody's business. She commanded so much attention and never stopped talking when we were together. She'd get extremely upset and confrontational when I didn't remember some little detail that she told me a few days beforehand. She got dumped for that very reason. I simply couldn't put up with the constant narcissism and arguments.

Now I'm not saying you're like my ex. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your OH is genuinely more absent minded than most. But if this isn't the case and maybe you are expecting too much of him... well try and make two-way small talk with him instead of loading the poor guy with information.

LegacyUser

OP, I have a very similar issue with my bf and it has caused a lot of silly arguments. I could suggest something to him, let's say going for a walk after dinner, and after dinner he has absolutely no recollection of what I said before or during dinner. I'm not exaggerating here, he cannot recall anything. This happens everyday.

Obviously I was getting worried as I thought he had some memory issues and I brought it up with him. He says that he must have been thinking about something else that took up his whole brain capacity. I do believe that he pretends to listen to me but is in fact just thinking about cars/computers/whatever and just couldn't be bothered paying attention to what I'm saying. Believe me I am no chatterbox, I don't go on about clothes/shoes/shopping/etc AT ALL. I am nothing like the girl nicknolte describes in his post.

I think it is very disrespectful. Some people can be very self-involved, it probably has nothing to do with you. I feel your pain OP. Try not to badger him. It'll only make you and him more annoyed. Try to talk to him in a calm manner so that it doesn't evolve into a row. Keep it short and sweet and he is more likely to retain what you are saying. Hope you two can work it out OP.

LegacyUser

OP here

first of all, thanks for all the replies.

Okay, I'm going to be brave and divulge a little extra info, with the hope of not being found out!

I wasn't originally planning to do this, but seeing as the advice I have gotten has been so good, I want to share a bit more!!

Okay, so I take everything on board, and should maybe point out a few things about me.

First of all, for those who have said I am over-sensitive and attention seeking - this would actually be true. Because of events that have happened in my past I am like this. I am emotionally quite dependant on my boyfriend as I have no friends. I know people throw that term around loosely, but I actually don't. I'm shy, self-conscious and have zero self esteem. On a positive note however, I am in councelling for these issues of past and now present and I am making slow, slow progress.

Donegalfella - I see where you are coming from with the "why would you talk to him if he's doing stuff" But I should point out that we don't live together, and I am very busy, and as a result we see eachother at weekends only if we're lucky.
What happens is that I will go to his, or he will come to mine, and after not seeing each other all week, I want to chat, chat, chat and he wants to watch tv.

Dont get me wrong, he does engage in some conversation, and he always asks how I am, and is always very interested in how my councelling sessions go, but I do know (and I'm not just beating myself up here) that I am the main cause of the problem in that I just want conversation after conversation after conversation, whereas he would be happy with a bit of chat and then some tv.

The big problem is that I don't have female friends or a sister to exchange chit chat with. Which is extremely sad, I know, but thats just how it has happened.

I would try to get out there and meet people but lets just say this year is not a good year for me.

On a side note, yes my bf does have stresses. He lost his job a while ago and a close member of his family is terminally ill. So I do realise (when calm) that he has a lot going on too, and I am at times envious of how he manages not to bother me with it all, I wish, for both our sakes that I could do the same.

I'm trying to be as honest and neutral as I can here - verrry easy when no-one knows you.

Again thanks for all the honest, decent replies.