Why Do I Need Him?

LegacyUser

To cut a long story to as short as it possibly can be as there is too much past to explain:

I know this guy is bad for me. We're best friends, never went out but things were sexual for a while. All of a sudden he's changed, has decided it's my fault he's been miserable (never showed signs of this) because he has been single for 2 years. What has happened as a result of this sudden outburst there has been a week and a half of non stop fighting and making up and alot of unexpected things, one of which was him hitting me. now don't get me wrong, i hit him too so i am not trying to victimise myself as I not entirely innocent but I do feel very little of the situation is my fault.
Basically, I know he's bad for me, I know I'd probably be happier and better off without him but i just can't seem to cut him loose and let go. I can't let go of what we used to have, everytime i think of letting him go I think I need him because all I remember is the way things were. And every time we make up he gives me another look at that happy friendship. Please don't tell me 'just do it' because honestly you've no idea how hard i've tried. There's two of us in it, and if I let go he comes back etc and it comes back to this again. Apologies for the vagueness of this post but I just can't be bothered going into every minute detail right now. Thanks

SarahSassy

cant = wont

There is no point anyone responding to you cos you wont listen...

The relationship is toxic for both of you and all ye are doing is making each other miserable and stopping you both meeting people who are actually good for you.

VaioCruiser

OP...

You are in love with a memory.

Your life is sliding away ... like water down a long drain into the abyss.

Do it now ... or it will all be gone before you know it.

LegacyUser

Is it so wrong that I don't want to lose my friendship though? When he comes back to me and begs to be friends still, that we'll be grand, I kinda expect it to be you know? Because it always has been in any other situation. It's difficult to let go of someone who I care about, it's very rare for me to trust and open up to even my closest friends.

SarahSassy

NorahN wrote: »

Is it so wrong that I don't want to lose my friendship though? .

I think when ye started clobbering each other the friendship went out the window....

NorahN wrote: »

When he comes back to me and begs to be friends still, that we'll be grand, I kinda expect it to be you know?

Why??? It never is so why do you expect it to be?

NorahN wrote: »

Because it always has been in any other situation.

I assume you mean with other people cos its hasnt always been with him.

NorahN wrote: »

It's difficult to let go of someone who I care about, it's very rare for me to trust and open up to even my closest friends.

You trust someone who hits you???

Wake up..

LegacyUser

No offense SarahSassy, but I would love to see you in a situation such as this and be thinking straight and as sarky as you seem to be right now because honestly your advice is not helpful. I'm very much wide awake to the fact that my friend hit me and that I hit him. Yes before this argument everything was fine with us, any little squabble was sorted quickly and not thought about again. Not everything is as black and white and as simple as you make it out to be and letting go of long time friends is one of the more difficult things for some people to do. Apologies if you disagree with this.

SarahSassy

NorahN wrote: »

don't tell me 'just do it' because honestly you've no idea how hard i've tried.

So what do you want us to tell you?? You have already admitted that no matter what is said you wont be able to put it into practice...

Thats nasty wishing bad situations on to other people. I would not be in that situation cos I have more respect for myself.

Apologies for the vagueness of this post but I just can't be bothered going into every minute detail right now. Thanks

NorahN wrote: »

Apologies for the vagueness of this post but I just can't be bothered going into every minute detail right now.

But what you have bothered to explain was black and white but if you dont fill in the details we cant see the grey.

ellie1

just stay friends with him.

themadchef

NorahN wrote: »

I know this guy is bad for me.

Basically, I know he's bad for me,

I know I'd probably be happier and better off without him but i just can't seem to cut him loose and let go. I can't let go of what we used to have, every time i think of letting him go I think I need him because all I remember is the way things were. And every time we make up he gives me another look at that happy friendship. Please don't tell me 'just do it' because honestly you've no idea how hard i've tried. There's two of us in it, and if I let go he comes back etc and it comes back to this again. Thanks

NorahN wrote: »

No offense SarahSassy, but I would love to see you in a situation such as this and be thinking straight and as sarky as you seem to be right now because honestly your advice is not helpful. I'm very much wide awake to the fact that my friend hit me and that I hit him. Yes before this argument everything was fine with us, any little squabble was sorted quickly and not thought about again. Not everything is as black and white and as simple as you make it out to be and letting go of long time friends is one of the more difficult things for some people to do. Apologies if you disagree with this.

My God i really don't know what to say to you but i'm just........well if you were my sister i'd be letting you have it.

Why do you say "Please don't tell me 'just do it' because honestly you've no idea how hard i've tried"? I call Bullsh1t. As for the above comment to SS, well, try saying that to me or any other person who split up from their husband or wife because the relationship was toxic. It can be done, but you need to face it, not rose tint it.

So yot think every thing was fine for the previous two years? Why all the making up then? To make up you need to argue. The violence between you is the start of a very slipper slope, believe or don't believe, it's entirely your life to live. For the record, all the blanks? it sounds much more than friendship from where i'm sitting.

Some times it takes more courage to walk away. You don't sound ready, no one on a message board can make you ready, no one can make you see when your eyes are closed.

Don't think im being harsh on you, im being honest. Get out, stay out, forgetting is never easy, the unknown is not easy nor is the heart break. You can find more friends, friends who support and cherish you, not friends who take you on emotional roller coasters.

This won't get better IMHO so if you decide to stay friends all anyone can wish you is good luck.

clairemm

i completely understand your situation because i'm in one that's really similar myself.. i know its really hard to let go of someone you care so much about no matter how badly they treat you, and its really hard to forget all the good times that came before the sh1ttiness. i don't actually have any advice for you because i haven't a clue how to get out of my own situation, but i thought you needed to know you're not the only person in the world who feels like this.. also, if i'm reading you properly and if you're anything like me, you might love him just take that into account before you do anything ok? good luck

martdalto

Rarely can a male and female who have been friends, then had a sexual relationship, go back to being "just friends". One will always still want more, or will want the other as a back-up plan if things aren't going well elsewhere.

I was you years ago. I had a best friend, who wanted more. I didn't fancy him. I tried, but it didn't work. In the end I had to leave. We still see each other occassionally. But we are nowhere near the friends we were.

We were inseperable, and we were holding each other back. We were always out together and people assumed we were a couple, and were very disbelieving when we told them we weren't. Even family!

You are both holding each other back from going out with other people.

You will never meet anyone and be in a long term relationship while you try to hold on to him as a friend. It will not happen? You need to move on. Nobody is saying it will be easy, but it does need to be done.

Get other interests. Start going out with different people. If you are truely good friends, then a bit further down the line you can still meet up the odd time.

For now, you both need to find something else to distract you.

newbie2009

Fine if you can't cut him out of your life but go out meet other people and specifically meet other men...Honestly, the best way of getting him out of your mind is by chasing/dating/enjoying someone else. You will soon have him replaced in your life with someone you might get on better with.

sachamama

OP it sounds like you are looking for us to say yes its all ok for you to be with him. you sound angry too about it. what are you actually struggling with?

which part of yourself do you see in him that you cannot do without?

maybe find that out, and then see if you can claim that back without needing him to give it to you.

its obvious there is some draw there, some need that you have. if you can look at that, then you might learn more about why you put yourself in this situation.

Jood

You dont need him hunny, you want him and there is a difference. Untill you accept that you actually dont need him and can lead a full and most probably happier life without him you wont be able to move on. You might be thinking well its easy for her to say but its not I pinned after my ex for two years and turned into a shadow of my former self convinced that I couldnt carry on without him. Could I...hell yes and life is a hundred times better since I moved on. You both seemingly bring out the worst in each other and to be honest volatile friendship like that rarely end well.

Give it time, you'll come around, spend time with friends that you dont argue with.

Best of luck

J x