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When to call time on a marriage.

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  • 28-08-2009 7:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Have been married for 12 years and have one child. Things have not being going well for the past few years. I have tried on a number of occasions to get my wife to agree to counselling . She does not believe in it and refuses to go. She finds communication difficult and rarely talks about her feelings. I have told her how I feel about the situation and threatened to leave. We have no intimate contact now and we just communicate on a domestic level. She visits her family and I visit mine. I have found this to be extremely lonely and have told her how I feel.
    She responds by referring to things that happened in the past and says that things may come right eventually. I don't believe this will happen. My wife is generally very downbeat and depressed. I would leave but the prospect of leaving my son kills me. She is a good mother to him and we both work very hard to give him a stable life.
    The choice for me is to move to a rented flat at this stage of my life and it does not seem attractive. The choice of staying is also not attractive.


Comments

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    #2
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Why dont you try to bring your son with you?


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    #3
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Personally I believe in staying for a child unless there is violence or a daily damaging atmosphere.

    I stayed for my boy and don't regret it. It was me who decided to get married. It was me who contributed to a failed marriage. I could not make him pay for my mistakes.

    If you do decide to leave then please do 100000% to keep it amicable no matter what justification you have for being angry or bitter.


    All the best.


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    #4
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Why dont you try to bring your son with you?


    The op said that she is a good mother and they both work hard to provide a stable life for him? I cant see that being something a decent dad would do to his son to be honest..


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    #5
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    j1kl wrote: »
    Have been married for 12 years and have one child. Things have not being going well for the past few years. I have tried on a number of occasions to get my wife to agree to counselling . She does not believe in it and refuses to go. She finds communication difficult and rarely talks about her feelings. I have told her how I feel about the situation and threatened to leave. We have no intimate contact now and we just communicate on a domestic level. She visits her family and I visit mine. I have found this to be extremely lonely and have told her how I feel.
    She responds by referring to things that happened in the past and says that things may come right eventually. I don't believe this will happen. My wife is generally very downbeat and depressed. I would leave but the prospect of leaving my son kills me. She is a good mother to him and we both work very hard to give him a stable life.
    The choice for me is to move to a rented flat at this stage of my life and it does not seem attractive. The choice of staying is also not attractive.


    Hi OP, it sounds like maybe your wife is depressed,could that be a possibility? It sounds like a very lonely existence for both you and your son has to be picking up on the atmosphere,depending on his age I guess. Personally I don't believe in staying together for a child, I tried it and we were miserable..now? I have another partner, and am very happy, and my child gets to see their dad all the time, and he is also very happy.. there is life after separation op..

    I would sit your wife down and tell her that if she is not prepared for you both to seek help, then you need to look at your options, that things will not improve till you both communicate and if she wants the marriage to work then thats what she needs to do, for all three of you.


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    #6
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    m'lady wrote: »
    The op said that she is a good mother and they both work hard to provide a stable life for him? I cant see that being something a decent dad would do to his son to be honest..

    Why should she automatically get him? Especially if she is actually suffering from depression..


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    #7
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Why should she automatically get him? Especially if she is actually suffering from depression..


    I didn't say she should automatically get him, I just don't think the op would do that if he can say she is a good mother and they both work hard to provide for him.


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    #8
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    m'lady wrote: »
    I didn't say she should automatically get him, I just don't think the op would do that if he can say she is a good mother and they both work hard to provide for him.

    IMHO he is better off growing up with someone who does not have depression and I do have some experience of this situaiton and can see the harm a depressed mother is doing to her childs relationship with the Dad and also the child own mental health..


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    she would automatically get him.

    OP it kinda does sound like your wife might be depressed. have you tried broaching the topic with her ?


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My wife is a very private person, does not confide in friends or even her family. She would not admit to being depressed and some of the time can be quite normal. She is however very negative and seems more at home with people of that ilk. I am not saying that I am fine myself, this stuff has taken its toll on me. My child is most important to me and seems to manage quite well. I would find it difficult to seek custody as I know he would be well cared for and I would probably not get custody either way. I would however ensure that I could be with him as much as possible.
    I am however fearful of how my partner would react to my leaving and how this would hinder my relationship with my son.


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    #11
    AMK
    Registered Users Posts: 58 ✭✭AMK


    Was your wife always like this? You say things haven't been going well for the past few years - can you pinpoint when things started to go downhill or was it a gradual thing?

    Even if your wife won't go to counselling, it mightn't hurt if you went yourself before making a decision about leaving your marriage. If nothing else, it would help to have somebody to talk to.


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    #12
    994
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭994


    m'lady wrote: »
    The op said that she is a good mother and they both work hard to provide a stable life for him? I cant see that being something a decent dad would do to his son to be honest..

    Translation: a child is the mother's personal property.


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