I can't get over my ex :(

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a regular poster (no in RI, but on boards) so go easy on me!

Where to begin... Ok, about a year ago my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me with another guy. When she told me she was very tearful and sorry and I have to say I was comforting to her at the time but a few days later I broke up with her. I didn't want to break up with her, and I told her that but she didn't leave me much option. I didn't feel like I could trust her anymore and was very upset. At the time of the break-up I asked her what she wanted to happen between us. She said she didn't want us to break-up if it meant we'd never be together again. So pretty much she wanted to be single for a while and have me again later on in life. I told her that it doesn't work like that, either she has feelings for me or she doesn't.

After that she tried a couple of times to get back with me, each of which I refused. A few months down the line though, coming up to Christmas, she asked me again. By this time I was missing her a lot and I'm not ashamed to say our time apart really made me see how much I loved her so I happily agreed to give it another go. We lasted together 10 days until she broke up with me. And not only that but days later she went back to the guy she cheated on me with in the first place.

Ever since then I've been in bits, I was so happy to be back with her....The worst thing was when she broke up with me she said she still thought that we should get back together in the future and she still had feelings for me.

I've told her exactly how I feel and she admitted that she still loves me but nevertheless she's still going out with this other guy. I just don't understand it.... We both love each other but she doesn't want to be with me.

Ok, for anyone that has read this far thanks.

So here I am now, 23 and living the single life for the last year or so and I hate it. Any girl I meet seems to be just interested in one night stands / something casual whereas I want something more. I'm trying to get over my ex but with every girl I meet that turns out to be an idiot* or a whore* I keep coming back to the wonderful girl I used to be with.

So what should I do? Should I persist and hope to meet one of the many genuine girls out there and forget about her? Or should I hope beyond hope that she'll remember me?

Thanks for reading and please leave a reply be it good or bad. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

*No offense intended to any women out there, I just met some bad women.

Silverfish

First off, she does not sound like a "wonderful woman" at all.

She cheated on you, got back with you, then broke up with you to go back to the guy she cheated on you with.

You need to take her off the pedestal for a start. If she loved you, she would be with you, not this other guy.

Secondly, to get over someone, you have to break contact with them.
It's difficult to meet someone when you're still hung up on someone else, you need to take some time for yourself and figure out what you want.

Wagon

Pretty much what Silverfish said.

Another thing i suggest is actually just avoid women altogether for a while. Did that myself and it works a treat and i can understand what you mean about a lot of women only wanting one night stands. The ones that want something more are hard to find and in my experience they appear when you aren't pining after someone already. Also, if you got a new girlfriend now you'd only be on a rebound because you have your ex on a pedestal. It's not fair on some genuinelly sound bird who wants to be with you.

On the subject of your ex, think about this:

She cheated. You dumped her and she went after you a few times and each time you rejected her. Grand

Then, you take her back. For valid reason too. Id think that an ex would still love me if they kept after me like that. Unfortunately when you dumped her she lost the emotional support and security, something she clearly can't get from anyone else right now and she realised that so she went after you only to get that back. She doesn't love you mate. If she did, you would both be together but instead she dumped you and fed you bull**** about being in love but needs "space".

I hate to be so blunt but there's no other way of saying it. The simple truth is that she's fúcking this other bloke, and she's stringing you along for the emotional support that she lost before. She wants the single life AND the emotional stuff that she clearly can't get from your man.

I'm sorry, but thats the actions of a self centered cúnt, not a wonderful woman. Like silverfish said, cut her out but i have to stress the importance of doing that. It will really save you so much stress and torment down the line and you were right ot break up with her for the cheating. Stick to your guns and really remember that while your ex may have been wonderful at one stage, she sure as hell isn't anymore and never will be again.

Get rid of her. You deserve much better then that treatment mate. Sorry to be this blunt as well. I know it's a ****ty thing to happen but chin up! At least you know what the situation is and when you accept that and get rid of her, then things take a good turn. Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for the replies. I need a good kick up the arse so don't worry about being blunt.

I'm starting to think the only reason she thinks we should be together in the future is because she's afraid she won't do any better than me and if she thought she could she'd drop me like a stone. I know the guy she's with now, he's an absolute minger and for the lack of a better description a well-dressed scumbag. Even her own friends have said this.

On the subject of breaking contact, I'd love to but I just get bring myself to do it even though it kills me to see her on friends lists and such on websites.

I holding firm that the right woman will make me forget her, here's hoping it's sooner than later.

Tar.Aldarion

She broke your trust twice now, simple thing is, you will be happier without somebody that could do that to you in the long run. She says she loves you, if she did she wouldn't be with this guy. Wouldn't have cheated, you know this. Let her go, tell her to F off or whatever, yes you will miss her, but we all miss people from time to time like this and it's best to try and get on with your life and cut the tumour from it as best you can. It's harder than it sounds eh...hard to hate or say goodbye to your best friend, somebody you love... good luck. I think it might be best.

Wibbs

Wagon nailed it right on the money. The fact is she's with the other guy. End of.

blank123 wrote: »

I'm starting to think the only reason she thinks we should be together in the future is because she's afraid she won't do any better than me and if she thought she could she'd drop me like a stone.

If that is true then she's playing the odds to suit herself. More likely she wants to have her cake and eat it, again to suit herself. In either case she's suiting herself, which should tell you all you need to know. She gets to make up her emotional and sexual needs with the help of two guys. Nice for her, not too bad for him as she can have you to lean on, but really crappy for you. You're left in limbo hoping for more.

I know the guy she's with now, he's an absolute minger and for the lack of a better description a well-dressed scumbag. Even her own friends have said this.

It doesn't matter if he's Hitler in a hoody, she is romantically attracted to him. She isn't romantically attracted to you.

On the subject of breaking contact, I'd love to but I just get bring myself to do it even though it kills me to see her on friends lists and such on websites.

You have to though. Until you do you won't move on.

I holding firm that the right woman will make me forget her, here's hoping it's sooner than later.

Again that won't happen until you scrape her off entirely. You also can't rely on some other woman to make you forget her. If you do meet someone like that and you're still in contact with the ex, you'll have three people in that relationship, her the new lassie and you. You're setting yourself up for a rebound right there if you're not careful as you're looking to someone outside yourself as an escape route.

You're your own escape route. You may feel emotionally beaten down at the moment, but you have the power to get out of that. You may not think it, but you do. The first step is to cut contact. That is entirely in your power to do. Now when you do, chances are very high she'll follow the usual pattern of the emotionally self centred by trying to get you back in your box in the safety net/emotional support role. You'll likely hear promises of "maybe we have a chance in the future, I miss you, even I still love you", with a side order of unspoken sexual promise. She may even drunkenly snog you, but it'll be all BS unless she makes a firm commitment to you and I'll believe that when I see it based on your description of the situation.

ManOfMystery

She does not love you, I'm sorry to say.

She cheats on you. She messes with you emotionally. She breaks up with you and has the cheek to actually go out with the guy she cheated on you with. These are not the actions of someone who loves you.

Actions speak louder than words, so forget what this girl may have told you in the past - judge her intentions by how she acts. It's easy for her to pay you lip service.

You really need to cut all contact with her and get into a better place emotionally. Forget about women and relationships for the time being; focus on spending good quality time with friends, family, etc, and get yourself into a place where you're pretty content with your life. Meeting someone then will come naturally and you'll be a stronger person for it.

Wibbs

ManOfMystery wrote: »

She cheats on you. She messes with you emotionally. She breaks up with you and has the cheek to actually go out with the guy she cheated on you with. These are not the actions of someone who loves you.

Sums it up perfectly IMHO. I'll put good money she'll do similar with the current guy too down the line. Or worse for him, she'll stay and act out the self centered behaviour within the relationship. I've known men and women like how you have described your ex and they rarely change, as all their insight into others is filtered through their own needs first(though as she's young hopefully she cops on). They usually just get better at hiding their issues. Seriously, trust me on this, bullet dodged.

LegacyUser

Again thanks for the replies.

The general concensus here is I should break contact with her. I know what you're saying but it's harder than it sounds. I went to school with her, we live very near each other and we will bump into each other. I've tried to break contact with her before and I couldn't do it, I've got too strong feelings for her still. Long story short if I cut contact with her she'd be angry with me and I couldn't bear that. I know I have been and am being a pushover but I really can't help it with this girl.

I know everyone here is condemning her and her actions were pretty bad but before this she was the nicest kindest person you could imagine.

Like I said I'm starting to think she just wants me there as an insurance policy incase she can't bag a good one and maybe that's the reason she still says nice things to me. I'm not so worried myself about this, I'm a good looking guy and a nice person to boot so I know I'll find someone in the end it's just I thought I had found her already.

I should add that I've tried to get back with her a few times at this stage and each time she said that we were just too young to be together and maybe we should be together again in the future. The last time I tried she actually said to me that she was happy with this other guy.... I nearly broke down at that point. I left saying she'll regret turning me down and I'd never ask her again. To which she replied 'I know I will'.

So she wants to be friends still and me being the pushover that I am have obliged her even though she knows how hard it is for me to be in her company. I think she doesn't want me to be out of her life but I can't understand why if she's 'happy' with this new guy, it's not like she needs another friend.

Anna Molly

Tell her that she can't have her cake and eat it.
She doesn't sound like a wonderful person at all, she sounds like a selfish b*tch, tbh.
I hope you find someone you deserve! [:

AnonoBoy

Yes you can.

It's tough sometimes but you can and will.

Amazotheamazing

She's an emotional vampire, cut all contact regardless of how she feels about it. She put herself out of your life, whether you see it like that or not. All she is doing now is stopping you from meeting someone better than her, cut contact, it might be bad for a few weeks but it'll be for the best in the long run.

SarahSassy

she really is playing serious mind games here. OP, she is not worth the brain strain the only reason I am posting is to let you know what not all women are like her and dont turn bitter and / or twisted over this relationship. You will meet someone fab..

Are you sure all the girls you meet are looking for a fling?? I think girls assume man are so maybe they act like that but we are also only looking to find that diamond in the rough.....

OP you need to stop contacting her and quit making excuses. she treated you like a dog and you are coming back for kicking after kicking. At some stage you are going to have to accept your responsibility for haning in here and getting treated like muck. Hold your head up and move on.. I suspect once again when you move on she will be back - thats just the type of toe-rag she is.

Darr3nG

I've been going through the same experience for the last four years. Was with the girl for 9 years, we have 2 kids.

My friends and family have all given me similar advice to what's been posted here, but I know OP, it's hard to break away from 'the one'.

In my case, I'm gonna stick it out for my kids, cause when the ex and me are getting along, they are happy. But, as you have no other ties, I'd recommend trying to get a bit of distance.

What'll happen (or possibly has), is that you will meet someone else, but because the ex is still in your life and on your mind 24/7, you won't be able to commit and will end up looking for excuses not to be with an idiot/whore... Plus, if you do meet someone special and start showing happiness, your ex, worried about losing you will come on strong and **** it all up (this has happened me more than once!)

From experience, the longer you let it continue, the harder it will be to break away, because it will become your way of life - always being there for her (emotionally) where the newest boyfriend isn't.

Wagon

blank123 wrote: »

Long story short if I cut contact with her she'd be angry with me and I couldn't bear that.

So? Who gives a crap!? You aren't responsable for her happiness anymore and she broke that herself when she slept with someone else.

I know everyone here is condemning her and her actions were pretty bad but before this she was the nicest kindest person you could imagine.

Before. That's the key word here. And i think the highlighted part below might explain why she suddenly changed.

I should add that I've tried to get back with her a few times at this stage and each time she said that we were just too young to be together and maybe we should be together again in the future.

The bold part was the only true word in that statement. There is no future for you two at all. she simply asked herself one day which was more important:

1. Staying with you.
2. Sleeping with other people.

She chose the latter because she thinks she's too young to get tied down in a relationship. Fair enough but my god she is being horrible about it. Want some proof of this? Look...

The last time I tried she actually said to me that she was happy with this other guy....

Like here! Fúcking horrible thing to tell you.

I nearly broke down at that point.

Can't blame you.

I left saying she'll regret turning me down and I'd never ask her again. To which she replied 'I know I will'.

Again, lies from her. She won't regret it but saying little things like this will keep you wondering. And as long as you are wondering you will hang around.

So she wants to be friends still and me being the pushover that I am have obliged her even though she knows how hard it is for me to be in her company.

Again, bloody horrible bitch of a woman there.

I think she doesn't want me to be out of her life but I can't understand why if she's 'happy' with this new guy, it's not like she needs another friend.

Because she wants to shag someone else. She thinks he's attractive and wants to have the sex. But he doesn't do the emotional side and that's why she's friends with you.

She isn't your friend mate. Me and you have never met and i think I'm more of a friend to you then she is! If she actually gave a toss about you, she would cut contact and let you move on but she hasn't and the reasons she hasn't are purely for her own benefit, not yours! Bearing that in mind, do you really want to stick around to make her happy?

Get rid of her. There's loads of good advice from people on this thread already and those saying that it's very possible to move on are completely right. You have to just take that first step, and get her out of your life completely and when you do, it's a massive relief.

Wibbs

blank123 wrote: »

The general concensus here is I should break contact with her.

Yep for good reasons. Some may have gone through similar and want to save you the grief. Back in the day I went through something almost identical, really nice, intelligent, gorgeous person in general, but quite self absorbed looking back. She buggered off with another guy after she cheated on me with him. I heard much the same guff after the split and in the end realised I was dealing with someone who was very self centred. It wasn't intentional or conscious either, so I wouldn't think of her that badly and a lot of the time it was to her detriment too. Usually this type is emotionally needy and trying to fill the void with attention, but they'll only be satisfied for a time. Two men covers that attention gap nicely.

I know what you're saying but it's harder than it sounds.

Ah god yes of course it's hard. Bloody hard, but hard usually comes along for the ride with many of the good steps in life.

I went to school with her, we live very near each other and we will bump into each other.

You might be surprised how little you'll bump into her if you take the decision to cut contact. Guys I went to school with for 15 years that live in my area I haven't seen since we left school. If you do bump into her, then be nice, keep it short smile and walk on. The right approach is to imagine she's someone like one of your ma's mates. Be polite but don't go beyond hiya. I

've tried to break contact with her before and I couldn't do it, I've got too strong feelings for her still.

And they will drag out and drag at you until you do cut contact. Youre like an ex smoker sitting in the smoking section, the triggers are there, even if you know it's unhealthy for you.

Long story short if I cut contact with her she'd be angry with me and I couldn't bear that.

Pardon my French, but fcuk her and what she thinks. So she gets angry. Good it'll help you see what's under the surface and her motives. It should tell you that all she is thinking of is her loss, her emotions, her needs and sweet fanny adams about yours.

that I know I have been and am being a pushover but I really can't help it with this girl.

As I said, been there. Looking back? Jesus, what a gobshíte I was. Greatest mallet head in the world at the time. Thicker than bottled pig poo. Sooner or later you will see what you need to see and when that penny drops you'll start to move on. Breaking contact simply speeds up the process.

I know everyone here is condemning her and her actions were pretty bad but before this she was the nicest kindest person you could imagine.

Oh yep, again similarities. She was the nicest kindest person when her focus was on you and you covered her needs. Look how she changes when you don't.

Like I said I'm starting to think she just wants me there as an insurance policy incase she can't bag a good one and maybe that's the reason she still says nice things to me. I'm not so worried myself about this, I'm a good looking guy and a nice person to boot so I know I'll find someone in the end it's just I thought I had found her already.

With 3 + billion women on this planet that would make you luckier than a euromillions winner. Plus you're only 23 you've got a lot more finding the right one under your belt. God sorry, that sounds a tad patronising but you know what I mean.

I should add that I've tried to get back with her a few times at this stage and each time she said that we were just too young to be together and maybe we should be together again in the future. The last time I tried she actually said to me that she was happy with this other guy.... I nearly broke down at that point. I left saying she'll regret turning me down and I'd never ask her again. To which she replied 'I know I will'.

Hang on.... Did I invent a time machine all those years ago? Because I could be talking to my younger self about the same woman here. I'm also thinking me and wagon separated at birth:) That's boringly standard operational BS too. She's keeping you on side by promising stuff that will never happen. If it ever does, it'll be after you scrape her off. If you go along with it, then the next stage is pure friend stuff with the odd long hug thrown in. At that point you'll be squarely in the box she has made for you.

So she wants to be friends still and me being the pushover that I am have obliged her even though she knows how hard it is for me to be in her company.

Exactly. She's thinking of her own needs. That's not love, it's not friendship and it's not even basic manners.

I think she doesn't want me to be out of her life but I can't understand why if she's 'happy' with this new guy, it's not like she needs another friend.

OK my opinion on these situations? She's happy with him romantically most of the time, she's happy with him as a possible future for her most of the time, so he fulfills those needs enough to keep her there with him. But there's something you give(and gave) her she doesn't get from him or is missing from him. It could be a personality thing in you that's more attractive than his version. It could be because you sound like first loves, that this relationship isnt as intense, it could be the 4 year shared history, a big part of her young life that she misses. She could still love you, but be in love with him. It could be any number of things. It could simply be that she's caught between moving on and taking responsibility for her decisions. Common one that. TBH I would worry as much for the new guy. He's with her as her boyfriend, but I wonder how he feels about her sniffing around with you. I'd put good money he doesn't know how much that goes on or the level of contact. So she's not being honest with two guys. He just gets the better deal by getting to jump her bones.

In the end, what is the healthiest for you? That would be grieving moving on, learning from this, getting the old you back on track and meeting the right person for you down the line. Keeping her around will seriously delay that and as sarahsassy pointed out you could get too cynical and assume all women are like that.

Scráib

it kills me to see her on friends lists and such on websites.

Facebook bebo etc. are killers if you're trying to get over someone. Avoid them. Delete your profiles if you have to, just don't end up trawling through friend's lists. That's a surprisingly effective way of messing yourself up emotionally!

I've done this once or twice before and it helped: Just be cold blooded and delete her number, delete her email address, don't answer the phone or texts. Avoid contacting her outright. you'll need a hell of a lot of willpower but it works.

Amazotheamazing

Scráib wrote: »

Facebook bebo etc. are killers if you're trying to get over someone. Avoid them. Delete your profiles if you have to, just don't end up trawling through friend's lists. That's a surprisingly effective way of messing yourself up emotionally!

I've done this once or twice before and it helped: Just be cold blooded and delete her number, delete her email address, don't answer the phone or texts. Avoid contacting her outright. you'll need a hell of a lot of willpower but it works.

I know a guy who gave his password to a mate, who then logged into facebook etc and changed all the passwords so the guy couldn't check his accounts. After a while, when the guy was in a better headspace, got his passwords and accounts back. Bit extreme maybe, but saves the hassle and drama of deleting accounts etc.

Fluorescence

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

I know a guy who gave his password to a mate, who then logged into facebook etc and changed all the passwords so the guy couldn't check his accounts. After a while, when the guy was in a better headspace, got his passwords and accounts back. Bit extreme maybe, but saves the hassle and drama of deleting accounts etc.

That sounds extreme, but a very effective solution if the OP doesn't feel that his resolve to cut contact will remain strong. It's definitely an option I'd consider if I was in your shoes OP. That's a very difficult, complicated situation you're in and cutting all contact is the best way to go - you have no obligation to remain her friend or stay in touch right now. She fucked you over, so you shouldn't care that she won't be happy about losing you.

Amazotheamazing

fluorescence wrote: »

That sounds extreme, but a very effective solution if the OP doesn't feel that his resolve to cut contact will remain strong. It's definitely an option I'd consider if I was in your shoes OP. That's a very difficult, complicated situation you're in and cutting all contact is the best way to go - you have no obligation to remain her friend or stay in touch right now. She fucked you over, so you shouldn't care that she won't be happy about losing you.

Sure when we can't help ourselves we've to trust our mates, when I was depressed about a break-up I gave my phone to a mate to stop me texting my ex, not for very long, only a few hours, maybe a day, until I calmed down. Once I'd done it once I realised I didn't need to (or gain anything from) text and never had to hand over the phone again.

OP, most guys have been where you are, we're not giving you this advice because it's easy to follow, it isn't, we're giving it because it works.

SarahSassy

I, when my heart was last broken, used to put my turned off mobile hidden in my parents bedroom when I was going out for the night. No matter how merry I came home I would never go in there looking for it so normally by the next morning, when the drink had worn off the desire to call him had too - desperate times etc etc etc

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies people, especially Wagon and Wibbs. Those replies must have taken ages and I'm very grateful.

Like I said I've tried to cut contact with her before and I managed to do so for nearly 3 months until she got back in contact with me. I give in too easily.

I really don't want to become one of those men who loathe women and being honest I can feel those thoughts coming on. Ok, from today I'm not going to text / ring / message / e-mail to her and only speak to her if I have to. That much I'm sure I can do but where I break is if she gets in contact with me. Like if she texts me just to see how I'm doing it'd be ignorant of me not to text back.

Again thanks for all the advice, talking about things really does help . So what I should do is

1. Break contact.
2. Gradually get back to being a normal person

On a sidenote, one of her best friends who I always got along well with has been telling me things on the sly if you know what I mean. I text her (ex) the other day and the friend told me she (ex) was delighted to hear from me and she also told me recently that she (ex) genuinely has feelings for me still. So, hypothetically if she was actually still interested in me should I take her back if the situation arose for such a thing to happen or should I close the book on this now once and for all? I'd love to have things back the way they were but I'm just now wondering if that'd ever be possible.

LegacyUser

seriously....i really doubt that you have yet seen "the bigger picture" and had that moment where things finally click in your head, a "lightbulb" moment where you see things for what they are...if you are still thinking the way you are

its great that you feel stronger now and can stop yourself from making contact....but then undo the great progress you've made by running back to this "wonderful person", (if you detect some sarcam here its because reading that as a genuine girl who has never treated anyone the way this person has treated you even tho i've had my fair share of bad treatment myself in the past and still has yet to meet someone decent, while regularly listening to the same argument from men that "all women are b******"etc.,your description of this girl is fairly hard to listen to. sorry just my opinion.

i also think that while her pedestal still stands you will not make the progress that you need to meet someone who will really treat you the way you deserve.

the advice that you have been given so far on this forum is some of the best and most accurate advice i have ever read and although i have been through a similar situation as you i could never have expressed my advice as clearly as has been done here. and the reason its so good is because it is all true and is from actual experiences that have obviously been diffcult but have been overcome.
while trying to get over (another:P) ex at the moment i'll definitely be using some of the advice i've just read here in the last few mins(thanks everyone;))

to get back to your question as to whether you should consider, if the situation arises (which i'm guessing it will as soon as you even look to her like you're moving on at last and not available as her safety net and confidence booster) to get back with this girl, honestly i think you'd be mad to consider it!
a person like her will never change and all her emotional insecurities and low self confidence or whatever her reasons are for treating people the way she does are unikely to be recogised and resolved by her in the near future.

also regarding how hard you find it not to reply etc think of it this way...when she makes contact you have a split second where you either text back etc or you dont. in that split second remind yourself of all the hurt she has caused you, how angry you (should) feel about being treated like a backup plan, hanging around waiting for her to pick you and all the while missing out on making the most of your own life and going out and enjoying yourself without having your head wrecked!!
then maybe you might reconsider that you have to reply cos she might get angry....who cares how she feels??
also think of the hurt she's caused you in the second before you click on "delete friend" on bebo or facebook or wherever else you have contact with her. also put your profiles on private so she wont be able to snoop through your new BETTER life and feel like she still has a hold over you the way she obviously feels now.

sorry for the long post, i've been there in a fairly similar position and i'm just trying to help:) i hope you have that "lightbulb" moment soon believe me, things get alot easier from there;)

best of luck:)

Wibbs

Damned good post from lightbulbmoment OP. Read that a second time and third time if you need to. Bloody good practical advice too.

rallye

Ok ive only read the first post so sorry if anything is repeated.

At the moment you think your ex is the best you will ever get, you have her firmly placed on a pedestal thats giving you a pain in your neck from looking up at it.

She cheated on you, which means she disrespected you!! How anyone would want to get back with a girl who cheated on them is beyond me, sure, her reasons might seem valid, ie. she was lonely, you wernt giving her the attention she needed etc... thats all well and good but it doesnt mean you should want to get back with her..

You need to adopt the philosophy of abundance!!

There are millions of women out there, once you realise this and realise that you can find a better girl than your ex then you will!

Darr3nG

Apologies if it appears that I'm hijacking this post...

Earlier today, when I posted my story and advice, I had just passed up on an opportunity to go out with a beautiful, fantastic girl. Why? Because I had it in my head that I was gonna spend the evening with my ex - in an attempt to piss her her current boyfriend, who was going out with mates of his. Sad, I know!

Roll on a few hours and a bottle of wine later, after telling friends that I couldn't join them for drinks, she shows up...

Thank you OP for starting this post cause it was the kick in the ass I needed (4-years on). I let her read it...

She left in a flood of tears, and yeah, I feel ****in' terrible. Does that mean she still has feelings for me? I just don't know. But **** it, it is time to move on...

Feel free to PM me OP, cause you don't wanna be where I am right now.

Virgil°

Good to see you starting to come to your senses a bit, but your not quite there yet mate.

blank123 wrote: »

Like if she texts me just to see how I'm doing it'd be ignorant of me not to text back.

Nope it wouldnt. You can be damn sure if shes texting you this sort of stuff in the immediate future it has nothing to do with civility and everything to do with her own needs.
This is how it'll go or something along these lines i imagine:
Her:Hey how you doin? Was just thinking about you.
You: Not to bad...(Random happenings here)
Her: (Random bits of useless info) I really miss you.
You:I really miss you too.

See the bit i underlined for you there? Thats exactly the kind of thing she was digging for all along and now youve given it to her she doesnt need anything else from you, she feels good and you get blasted back to square one.

On a sidenote, one of her best friends who I always got along well with has been telling me things on the sly if you know what I mean. I text her (ex) the other day and the friend told me she (ex) was delighted to hear from me and she also told me recently that she (ex) genuinely has feelings for me still. So, hypothetically if she was actually still interested in me should I take her back if the situation arose for such a thing to happen or should I close the book on this now once and for all? I'd love to have things back the way they were but I'm just now wondering if that'd ever be possible.

No its not possible and the sooner you accept it the sooner you will get back to usual. Stop talking to this friend of hers its doing you no good. What your ex is doing is and should be of no concern of yours anymore.
Your still allowing a glimer of hope to seep through when the surest road to recovery is to snuff out any hope of being with her again.
I really do feel for you mate ive been there recently, its gonna be a rough ride no doubt and there'll be days where you'll wonder why you're getting out of bed at all. Little by little it will get better but it aint gonna start till you accept its over.
Best of luck.