Never Sowed Wild Oates

LegacyUser

Hi All. I recently got engaged to my long term GF. We get on great together and always have. We started going out very young, We are now in our early 30's.

My problem is that I have this nagging feeling, or burden constantly on my mind. I question my love for her quite alot and I get so low sometimes that I even had to take anti depressants.

I feel like I missed out on alot of fun during my 20's and this is my own fault because I never had the courage to break up with her, and I new that if I did everything would be fine in the long term, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Anyway, now were engaged and I really have an urge to go out and get some hot girls under my belt. I dont think Ill act on this urge but it is so hard to keep it all locked up inside.

Whats wrong with me? Why cant I just be content and happy to have such a beautiful girls.. Lots of guys would love to have her and I should be delighted to be engaged to her. But I fear for the future.. Settling down and always wanting to get away on my own.
Please help.. Has anyone been in this situation before?

I dont think I ever got the chance to develope as an independent person and its killing me.

Silverfish

Personally, I'd break up with her now. That feeling is not going to go away, and marriage I would imagine will make it worse.

I question my love for her quite alot and I get so low sometimes that I even had to take anti depressants.

I can't imagine even going out with someone if I felt like this about them, never mind marrying them.

For your own sanity you need to take a break from this. Though bear in mind a lot of those 'hot girls' will either a) not be as hot when you're single or b) be unattainable. But if you're questioning your love for her at this stage, then really it's your best option.

LegacyUser

Woah there slow down. I think you need to seperate two different things out in your head. You are talking about two seperate issues - even if you don't know it.

First sowing your wild oats. This is silly and illusionary. You could go and do this but a) you might feel guilty about dumping your girl b) you will not get back what you have if you feel you made a mistake and c) sowing your wild oats is WAYYY overrated believe me.

The second issue is nothing to do with sex and actually maybe a much less straight forward one. "I dont think I ever got the chance to develope as an independent person and its killing me. " Now thats a tough one. Again might be illusionary and might not be. Might be something that you may need to explore. Might not be. Only you can figure that out. Might even be something to discuss with your girl - depends on how upfront you guys are about these things and how you think she would react.

Anyhow - its probably impossible for us to give you answers, but at least do yourself the favour of not coagulating 2 seperate issues into 1 as you will confuse yourself! At least thats what I think!

DaisyChains

jhdfuf wrote: »

My problem is that I have this nagging feeling, or burden constantly on my mind. I question my love for her quite alot and I get so low sometimes that I even had to take anti depressants.

OP, do you suffer from depression? What is the reason you are on anti depressants? My guess is, the sole reason is not your fiance.

jhdfuf wrote: »

I feel like I missed out on alot of fun during my 20's and this is my own fault because I never had the courage to break up with her, and I new that if I did everything would be fine in the long term, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Again, are you blaming your fiance for what you regard as an unfullfilling life? Only you can provide that happiness. No one else can. Something made you stay with this girl. Think about what that is.

jhdfuf wrote: »

Anyway, now were engaged.

This is a choice you made or a suggestion you agreed to. No one made you do anything.

jhdfuf wrote: »

Whats wrong with me? Why cant I just be content and happy to have such a beautiful girls.. Lots of guys would love to have her and I should be delighted to be engaged to her. But I fear for the future.. Settling down and always wanting to get away on my own.
Please help.. Has anyone been in this situation before?

There's nothing wrong with you or the way you are thinking. However, if you are on anti depressants, you are likely suffering from a form of depression that you need help with and you possibly need weekly counselling for a while. I would hazzard a guess that most people get scared by major committments and ask the same questions. Unfortunately you give the impression that you are not content or happy with yourself. You seem to see your fiance as the cause of this. And that's not true. You can't hold someone else responsible for your own happiness.

jhdfuf wrote: »

I dont think I ever got the chance to develope as an independent person and its killing me.

You will not find happiness in having sex with alot of people. That will not help you or change how you are feeling at the moment. Have you considered or do you attend counselling?

Becoming your own person can be done even if you are part of a couple and it's important to focus on other aspects of your life beacuse sex only makes up for a very small part of rewarding life. Get out more, meet more people, take up a challenging hobby you've always wanted to try. Don't make any rash decisions until you have spoken to someone and thought through the real reasons for the way you are thinking.

Good luck OP :-)

bSlick

Unlike a previous poster, I dont believe that what your feeling is silly and illusionary. It is completely real and tons of guys have the same problem. I don't think it ever goes away for 90% of guys, even if they (some of them anyway do manage not to give in to it.

It's never a good idea to settle down with a girl while you still have the urge to 'sow your wild oats'. It's a pity you didn't start going out with her when you were 25+ and had your share of women and had got it out of your system. Have a good think before you get married man, as this feeling is going to get alot stronger once you have a wedding ring on your finger and if you are feeling uncomfortable now, you will be literally feeling trapped then. The other thing to factor in is, if you are going to eventually give in to these urges, then you are better off doing it now while you can still get some hot women, as if it happens when you are 50 you will have lost out on two counts - 1) You'll have ruined your family life. 2) The action you do get won't be much cop and will be very few and far between. Im a big believer in, if you are going to have a mid life crisis, have it in your early 30's where the damage is minimal and you can still get some hot ass.

bSlick

Unregistered wrote: »

c) sowing your wild oats is WAYYY overrated believe me.

Easy for you to say, as obviously you have done it. And I actually dont think it's overrated, the best time of my life was when I was free and single and was doing a different woman every other night. Now I'm in a relationship for the last 18 months and have some of the same urges as the OP all though not as bad as I got most of it out of my system.

Mackleton

I agree that the type of young, footloose, single behaviour you are talking about isn't to be dismissed. It may sound melodramatic but these things are a rite of passage. They serve a purpose, to inform you of what single and committment free life is like. It's fine for people to say 'Oh you're missing nothing' but that's what the OP needs to find out for himself.

The sexual experiences you have in your single years are a big part of your own self exploration and they do, believe it or not, form part of your desires for yourself and your potential life partner later on. Through them you learn what you do and don't like and want to pursue and avoid with others. Telling the OP that he can just skip all this and stay with her is pointless, to the OP he will always have doubts and the grass will always look that little bit greener because he was denied those experiences.

Another point to be made is that the OP, with his current feelings, might (no disrespect to you personally OP) be more likely to be unfaithful to his partner and lead to far greater hurt and betrayal than say parting ways now. IMO you should not regret what you have done, only what you haven't done.

tbh

if you masterbate, the physical sensations you'll experience are not 100% removed from the sensations you'll get by sleeping with other hot girls. If you sleep with your o/h, the sensations will be exactly the same. What you're looking for is validation that you're attractive. YOu've been with your girlfriend so long that you take it for granted that she wants to sleep with you, and you don't place any value on that fact anymore.

Listen.

You can allow this to eat you up and nag at you if you want. You can break up with your girlfriend, try and sow your wild oats, but I'm pretty sure I know what'll happen. You'll find it difficult to meet new women, because you've been in a relationship for so long. You won't get the experiences you were looking for, and you'll regret breaking up with your g/f. You know the way they say "the grass is always greener"?

This is about ego. This is about you needing to prove to yourself that you've still "got it". If you can't get over that need, you're going to fcuk things up for yourself in a big way, imo. But honestly, if you can't get over it, there's no way you should get married. You'll end up resenting your wife for depriving you of what you feel you deserve.

In short, this really is a problem that you need to try to work on, but you can work on it. It just depends how much you want to.

iguana

Mackleton wrote: »

The sexual experiences you have in your single years are a big part of your own self exploration and they do, believe it or not, form part of your desires for yourself and your potential life partner later on. Through them you learn what you do and don't like and want to pursue and avoid with others. Telling the OP that he can just skip all this and stay with her is pointless, to the OP he will always have doubts and the grass will always look that little bit greener because he was denied those experiences.

They are for some people, they aren't for others. For some people their first partner is their last partner. The experiences they have together form their self and sexual exploration and helps form their desires and experiences. It's a perfectly valid way to be and offers the people who live that life experiences that those who have had multiple sex partners don't experience.

It's neither right or wrong, but there are so many ways to be and ways to live your life that nobody can experience everything and there is no one right way to do it. Some people will only ever be with one person all their life, some people might have two serious relationships before settling into a life-long marriage. Some people will practice serial monogamy all their lives. Some will have many, many sex partners in their youth and then a monogamous relationship for their later years. Some people practice polyamory. None of those lifestyles are wrong if they are right for the person who is living it. And each way offers experiences that are only available to you if you choose that life.

The OP needs to work out if he wants to "sow his wild oats" because he is unsatisfied in his relationship or he is worried because society currently tells us he should. If it's the latter that's just foolish, we aren't all the same and if we were life would be bloody boring.

Contessa Raven

Tbh, it doesn't sound like you're in a place right now to be getting married. You seem to be confused about what you want. It's common for people to get cold feet when they've become engaged but you say that you question your love for her alot and that you need to take anti depressants sometimes because you get so low over it. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship especially between two people who've recently decided to get married.

I think you should talk to someone about this. Maybe you are depressed in general?

Ask yourself this: How would you feel about NOT spending the rest of your life with her? Would you miss her like crazy? Would it bother you at all?

If you don't feel anything when faced with this prospect then perhaps you should rethink the relationship.

Also, do you think that 'sowing your wild oats' will make you a happier person?
I wouldn't imagine that will do much for your self esteem. The grass always looks greener on the other side but when you cross over it may turn out to be much less than what you expected.

SarahSassy

You have really done it this time bucko... I have seen the effects of similar actions to yours when my cousin, who was with a guy for 8 years, was dumped in her lunchtime from work 10 days before her wedding so he could see othe poeple.... The girl was catatonic with hurt and embarrassment for 3 months.

Its at this stage, given that you have dragged this on for years and now gotten engaged, that you choose this time to have cold feet??? WTF????? Your fiancee is in her early 30's, probably wants kids and now, by your actions you are effectively (when you break up with her to spread your wild oats), leaving her in a position where she is unlikely to be able to meet another man for up to 2 years. If she is lucky and she meets the right man when she is eventually able to face the 'meet market' then her fertility will have decided substantially from where it is now.. As such, she may not be able to have kids by the time she does try...

No one is suggesting that you marry someone you dont want to but for god sake you should have thought about this before....

If you think you are depressed then go get diagnosed and dont use it as an excuse to drag this on...

Do her a favour and move on... Set her free as soon as possible so she can have the chance to meet someone new who doesnt feel the need to shag around... Time to be a man - pity you couldnt have been a man sooner...

SS

PS my cousin is now very happily married and her ex is now on his fiancee no 3.... Guess who is the happier.