In dire need of advice...life and career!

PaddyPug

I have a 2.1 law degree and worked in finance up until last November. I quit on the principle that I was doing a job I didn't want to do and I needed to take control of my life. I had been there for 18 months.

It's now August, I have no job and am no further forward in knowing what I want to do. Don't really want to be a lawyer and not sure if I will be happy teaching (which is another option). I think it was partly delayed reaction from being dumped by someone I loved and the shock of my first proper job.

Let's put it this way - I've been told that I can be short and rude. I find it hard to talk ****e to people and have pretend conversations. I now realise that you have to be a bit fake at the start with people (and I have to be really careful!) otherwise they put you down as unfriendly. So I would say I have had problems relating to people and building relationships with people who I don't click with. This affected my work as I had to work alongside people I wouldn't choose to spend time with. I didn't want to socialise with them or get to know them as I kept feeling like I was being fake when I did. In a bar with colleagues, I was hugely uncomfortable.

When I do click with people, I am a totally different person. I'm literally the life and soul! But as soon as I'm with a different group I hate it.

I really want to become more balanced...does anyone have a suggestion?
I know I am a good person but I have some kind of weird thing going on...can someone please help me?!

Otis Driftwood

Have you tried speaking to a life coach?

lo2009

You're definitely NOT the only person who feels this way...

i understand how you feel, the problem is that you can choose your friends but you cant choose who you work with(unless of course you decide to be self-employed), I've rarely actually genuinely clicked with the people I've had to work with, but you just have to get on with it. Try not to look at your "work life" as your "whole life". You can work with people during the day and tolerate them for the sake of your job but you shouldn't feel obliged to socialise with these people outside of work.

I know its a win-lose situation, because if you don't go to the social events that all your other colleages are going to then you'll end up probably feeling left out and segregated. I suppose if Law isnt the area you want to work in anymore you could consider going back to college and doing a degree in something you genuinely want to do...But I guess the biggest challenge for you will be to decide what that is...:)

dan_d

I don't really have any answers for you, but I do have some questions. I'm in a job I hate. I'm sick with worry about it all the time and I want so badly to just walk out. Except people keep quoting this stupid recession at me. I'm at the stage this evening where I'm somewhere between crying and having an all out panic attack at the thought of work tomorrow.
What I want to ask you is what exactly made you quit and are you finding being unemployed really hard? The way I feel right now, it feels like nothing could possibly be worse than this. Like yourself I need to make a decision about where I'm going with all this, but all I know is that I feel so bad every day and I can't imagine unemployment being any worse.
Sorry to completely distract from the subject, but you've done what every thing in me is telling me to do, and I just want an idea of what it's like.

PaddyPug

dan_d wrote: »

I don't really have any answers for you, but I do have some questions. I'm in a job I hate. I'm sick with worry about it all the time and I want so badly to just walk out. Except people keep quoting this stupid recession at me. I'm at the stage this evening where I'm somewhere between crying and having an all out panic attack at the thought of work tomorrow.
What I want to ask you is what exactly made you quit and are you finding being unemployed really hard? The way I feel right now, it feels like nothing could possibly be worse than this. Like yourself I need to make a decision about where I'm going with all this, but all I know is that I feel so bad every day and I can't imagine unemployment being any worse.
Sorry to completely distract from the subject, but you've done what every thing in me is telling me to do, and I just want an idea of what it's like.

Hi Dan,

I left my job last November and it was in Finance. Lehman had just gone bust, the resession had just hit and it was all over the news. The day I quit, I went into work as normal not intending to resign. I was on the bus and I was going over things in my head. I had been thinking of quitting for ages but I always said it will get better, I need the challenge, its good for me and of course I liked having money. I guess that day, my dislike of the company and the job outweighed all that. I was really really unhappy. Something just clicked inside me and I made a decision. The relief I felt having made a decision was great. I couldn't wait to resign!

I had been saving for the previous few months (I think I knew subconsciously I was about to quit), would get paid for holidays I had not taken and would have to sell some shares. Financially, I was sound for a while and I decided would just enjoy a break of work and do things like pass t driving test, start music lessons etc. Those things ate into my budget but I was surviving ok up until June.

My advice to you would be: firstly, ask yourself why you hate yur job so much? Is it you? your colleagues? the work? the company culture? is it one person? When you answer that, ask yourself, can you change that or deal with it in a way that will make you happier where you are? If yes, great!Give it a shot! If not, maybe its time to move on.

When I quit, my Dad told me I was mad. There was a recession etc. Being young and a risk taker I thought I would be fine and it was worth it. Looking back now, it was foolish. I should have at least found a part time job before I resigned, to keep me a bit disiplined t least.

As for being unemployed, yes it is a bit ****. I have only felt like that tho in the past while (since I have less money). I have to scrimp on everything. I am in NI so dole money is £50 a week. In the south its 200 euro I think? Alot more, but I guess you cost of living is more (esp in Dublin). Another thing, go to the doctor and tell him all this if you are planning on leaving. If you want to go on the dole and ou leave a FT job of your own accord they will investigate aif you cant give due reason, they can withholdthe benefits from you.

U sound very unhappy and I really feel for you. Having little money is ****, but I think you could do with a break and get your head around things. Try and get a wee job sorted before you go if you decide to leave and visit the Dr and record you depression.

Hope this helps!

PaddyPug

nedtheshed wrote: »

Have you tried speaking to a life coach?

Have just been researching this and I think I might suffer from social anxiety! Link below. I'd love a life coach but I have no money!

http://www.anapsys.co.uk/Disorders/social_anxiety.htm

"Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and inferiority.

Put another way, social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

The anxiety becomes worse when the person fears that they are going to be singled out, ridiculed, criticized, embarrassed, or belittled. On occasions, the anxiety is so high that panic attacks develop in response to some specific social event (e.g. giving a speech).

People with social anxiety realize that their fear is exaggerated, but they still cannot control it. They tend to avoid situations in which they need to perform in front of others, and this tends to interfere with life adjustment in some way. As you would expect, people with social anxiety disorder have an elevated rate of relationship difficulties and substance abuse. They also feel their self-worth is low, feel inadequate and have difficulty being assertive."

The only thing I dont identify with is giving a speech - I am fine at that. I did a speech at my brothers wedding and did public speaking in school. I have more of a problem when you are on the spot so to speak. I am glad I found this tho, alot of my life is making sense now.

PaddyPug

lo2009 wrote: »

You're definitely NOT the only person who feels this way...

i understand how you feel, the problem is that you can choose your friends but you cant choose who you work with(unless of course you decide to be self-employed), I've rarely actually genuinely clicked with the people I've had to work with, but you just have to get on with it. Try not to look at your "work life" as your "whole life". You can work with people during the day and tolerate them for the sake of your job but you shouldn't feel obliged to socialise with these people outside of work.

I know its a win-lose situation, because if you don't go to the social events that all your other colleages are going to then you'll end up probably feeling left out and segregated. I suppose if Law isnt the area you want to work in anymore you could consider going back to college and doing a degree in something you genuinely want to do...But I guess the biggest challenge for you will be to decide what that is...:)

Thank you. Glad to see I'm not the only one! I would def say that the job was a learning curve in the sense that I realised that you just have to get on with it and try and make the best of the situation and strike a balance. I guess, at school and Uni you just surround yourself with the people you get on with...thing is I know I need to improve this aspect of my life in order to develop as a person. I want to enjoy socialising with colleagues, not dread it.

kravmaga

@op

I am sure you are a very bright chap but why dont you have a look at N.L.P. techniques and use, just google NLP Ireland

It might help you

AARRRGH

You don't need to be fake to people when you first meet them. You should try to develop a "glass half full" attitude to people so when you meet them you're giving them the benefit of the doubt and don't have to pretend you don't dislike them.

Most people are just like you - people who are trying to get by in life - so it's no harm to be kind and nice to those around you.

OK, that's enough Jesus talk for now. Onto the important stuff!

Most people don't have a clue what they want to do in life. That's one of the main reasons people have children, as it gives them something to live for. Personally I think that's horrendous, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about myself and my life and what I want to do with it.

These were my conclusions:

I don't want to work forever. I want to work for myself. So in my spare time I've been making loads of websites (some of them are in my signature) with the long term goal of generating enough income online so I can leave Ireland and move somewhere cheaper, sunnier and nicer, and sit on my ass all day.

However I've also thought about "worst case scenario" which is if I have to continue working. What would I like to do?

I thought back about the things I liked as a child and teenager, and what I enjoy today.

I like being deep in concentration. I like problem solving. I like having to use a combination of logic and creativity. I'm interested in the shady parts of society. I like competing against people.

As a result I found a job I would enjoy doing: IT security, i.e. ethical hacking. So at the moment I'm learning/getting certified in this area. Last year I did a masters at night and specialised in computer security.

I also have strong cravings for creative things in my life, so I'm toying around with making music (remixing songs) and art/writing.

I'm pretty happy with where I am now: I have a goal (surviving off my websites), but if that doesn't work, I can work in a highly skilled area which I get a kick out of. And I can live a silly dream hoping I'll one day hit the big time with a song I write.

So I think you need to figure out what you currently like, and work out a plan to see what career options there are which are compatible with those likes.

Sorry if I'm making no sense.

KarlDrake

Quality post by Aaaaargh.
Agreed with all of this. Consider it an early midlife crisis.
I reckon in respect to other people, a little bit of empathy is required but more important is getting to a happy place with yourself.
Remember, you're not good at being anyone else but world class at being you.
Find out and like who that is.

I got canned just before Xmas last year with baby three on the way. Started my own business (which is doing fair to middling) and am very very happy.
Bulletproof you could say!

Keep the faith my man, someone smarter than me said find something you love doing and get paid for it.
Then it's not work, it's a passion.

AARRRGH

KarlDrake wrote: »

Remember, you're not good at being anyone else but world class at being you.
Find out and like who that is.

Nice!