Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Bf has trouble orgasming

Options
  • 27-08-2009 1:11pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, hope someone can give advice this. Me and my bf are going out a month and we get on great. He's a great laugh and makes me feel really special. The only problem is that he can't orgasm when we have sex. We have tried different positions and I've even given him oral but it doesn't help. He says he never had this problem with other girls or when he masturbates. Tbh, the situation is making me feel inadequate and unhappy and I am starting to want to avoid sex. Has anyone else that has ever experienced this? I am 21, he is 25.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    finbarrk
    Registered Users Posts: 5,417 ✭✭✭finbarrk


    Tell him to avoid masturbation for a few days and also no alcohol before having sex. That should help.


  • Options
    #3
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Hi OP. I am an older guy and I suffered this 'problem' for a period, years ago.

    Anyone you ask will probably tell you this is all just about stress and as he relaxes things will improve. They are right. He may be nervous or afraid of you getting pregnant... or lots of other reasons.

    What I would say to you about having sex is this ... why would you avoid it ? If he is not orgasming then presumably he is able to continue for quite a long time ... in an excited state .... ? is that not good ? Think about it ... :rolleyes:

    Tell him this, and tell him not to worry and that it will happen once you both stop obsessing about it. Tell him to enjoy the fact that he can continue and continue and continue ... and enjoy loving each other and not worrying about this stuff.

    All the best


  • Options
    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    VaioCruiser wrote: »
    What I would say to you about having sex is this ... why would you avoid it ? If he is not orgasming then presumably he is able to continue for quite a long time ... in an excited state .... ? is that not good ? Think about it ... :rolleyes:

    Thanks for the advice Vaiocruiser. Yes it is good to a point, but I want him to be able to climax too. I suppose I feel like avoiding sex because it makes me feel inadequate when he tells me he had no problems with other girls. It makes me feel like I am not turning him on enough or that I am doing something wrong. I am not very experienced sexually, I lost my virginity just a year ago at the age of 20 (!!) and he is only my 2nd ever partner. I feel like if I had more experience in bed I would know better what to do.


  • Options
    #5
    muboop1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭muboop1


    Unhappy girl wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice Vaiocruiser. Yes it is good to a point, but I want him to be able to climax too. I suppose I feel like avoiding sex because it makes me feel inadequate when he tells me he had no problems with other girls. It makes me feel like I am not turning him on enough or that I am doing something wrong. I am not very experienced sexually, I lost my virginity just a year ago at the age of 20 (!!) and he is only my 2nd ever partner. I feel like if I had more experience in bed I would know better what to do.

    Nah don't worry.

    When we get a gf, some of us tend to take a few goes to climax.

    Worst thing you can do is make a big deal of it!

    Enjoy it, do it as often as you want.
    Eventually he will relax enough and will work fine!

    He could be worried or something subconciously...

    Just don't worry and enjoy! You's will get the hang of it!

    Also, don't think it's due to your inexperience, tbh, inexperience often means you will be "tighter" down there increasing the physical pleasure for both of yous.

    Be vocal with each other and just enjoy yourselves!


  • Options
    #6
    Queencake
    Closed Accounts Posts: 176 ✭✭Queencake


    I understand why him saying you're the only girl he's had this problem with would knock your confidence. But like others have said it's far FAR more likely to be due to stress or other issues. HIS issues. NOT you!

    If he's trying to push the blame onto you then don't have any of it. Does he know how you feel?

    BTW I agree you should tell him to cut back on the masturbation. I bet once it happens once with you it'll be sorted.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    Unhappy girl wrote: »
    He says he never had this problem with other girls or when he masturbates.


    Charming. First of all, you'd want to be making it clear to him that this is not YOUR problem, it's a problem for both of you as a couple. Him essentially blaming you for his inability to orgasm is pretty low, and I'd be sure to point out to him that being made to feel like you can't satisfy him isn't really going to encourage you to get the problem sorted, it's just going to make you feel insecure and reluctant to have sex.

    It could be a basic incompatibility problem - sometimes two people don't fit together immediately, but this is something that can be worked at. Take orgasming for him off the table altogether and focus on pleasing you for a while - that may get him aroused and relaxed enough to be able to orgasm.

    If he has no problem orgasming when he masturbates, incorporate that into your sex life. Have him masturbate for you or on you or while he pleasures you in other ways. Alternate oral sex with him manually stimulating himself until he orgasms. Make it happen that way in your presence enough times and the mental block may break down.

    And WHILE he's masturbating, get a look at his technique - how is he bringing hiimself off? Learn from what he's doing to himself and try to emulate it while you give him oral or a handjob or whatever.

    Finally, have him cut down on masturbating until you get this sorted. It's also possible that he's using too much pressure when he's masturbating, and thus has trained himself to orgasm only with the kind of grip and speed you, or your lady parts, are never going to be able to achieve.

    If that's the case, he needs to retrain himself to use a lighter touch in order to be able to orgasm from penetrative sex with you. Just remember that intercourse and orgasms are not the be all and end all!


  • Options
    #8
    parker kent
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,289 ✭✭✭parker kent


    shellyboo wrote: »
    Charming. First of all, you'd want to be making it clear to him that this is not YOUR problem, it's a problem for both of you as a couple. Him essentially blaming you for his inability to orgasm is pretty low, and I'd be sure to point out to him that being made to feel like you can't satisfy him isn't really going to encourage you to get the problem sorted, it's just going to make you feel insecure and reluctant to have sex.

    It could be a basic incompatibility problem - sometimes two people don't fit together immediately, but this is something that can be worked at. Take orgasming for him off the table altogether and focus on pleasing you for a while - that may get him aroused and relaxed enough to be able to orgasm.

    If he has no problem orgasming when he masturbates, incorporate that into your sex life. Have him masturbate for you or on you or while he pleasures you in other ways. Alternate oral sex with him manually stimulating himself until he orgasms. Make it happen that way in your presence enough times and the mental block may break down.

    And WHILE he's masturbating, get a look at his technique - how is he bringing hiimself off? Learn from what he's doing to himself and try to emulate it while you give him oral or a handjob or whatever.

    Finally, have him cut down on masturbating until you get this sorted. It's also possible that he's using too much pressure when he's masturbating, and thus has trained himself to orgasm only with the kind of grip and speed you, or your lady parts, are never going to be able to achieve.

    If that's the case, he needs to retrain himself to use a lighter touch in order to be able to orgasm from penetrative sex with you. Just remember that intercourse and orgasms are not the be all and end all!

    Wow that's great advice! Basically said all I was going to say and lots more! I should take notes....

    OP as a guy reading that advice, I would say that is spot on. Sometimes you get too used to masturbation and having the same stimulus to reach orgasm in any other way. It has happened me before and it just takes a little effort to sort the problem out. But make sure ye both have fun sorting the problem out!


  • Options
    #9
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • Options
    #10
    zero_nine
    Registered Users Posts: 158 ✭✭zero_nine


    Is he on any medication?

    Antidepressants can significanly delay or prevent orgasm for males. I know when I took higher doses (100mg) of Sertraline for OCD I couldn't orgasm but when I cut down to 50mg it was no bother. In fact, it was too easy!:D

    Other than that, if you haven't been in a relationship for that long it takes a while to get fully comfortable. I think if you're at all anxious, or if he is there can be delayed orgasm.


  • Options
    #11
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Unhappy girl wrote: »
    I suppose I feel like avoiding sex because it makes me feel inadequate when he tells me he had no problems with other girls.

    You are making assumptions again. My guess is that it is because he may never have felt so strongly about other girls..... :confused:

    While Shellyboo makes some good points above - my advice would be NOT to do this stuff yet. Hold off for now - it is not a crisis or nearly a crisis. Keep those ideas for later. For now just relax and allow both of you to adjust and as I suggested, enjoy it.

    All the best.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    Cleopatra12
    Closed Accounts Posts: 170 ✭✭Cleopatra12


    ok, two options spring to mind

    1. Does he have a rather large penis? Guys with a large penis are not as sensitive and tend to need more stimulation and more friction. It can take tham an awful long long time to cum. an ex of mine was rather well endowed and took him at least 45 mins to an hour to cum.

    Its nothing to do with you.

    2. Perhaps he just needs to settle into your relationship and has to relas and let go, per se.

    As a solution, why not encorage him to masturbate when he is in bed with you and ye are up to fun things....


  • Options
    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    shellyboo wrote: »
    Charming. First of all, you'd want to be making it clear to him that this is not YOUR problem, it's a problem for both of you as a couple. Him essentially blaming you for his inability to orgasm is pretty low, and I'd be sure to point out to him that being made to feel like you can't satisfy him isn't really going to encourage you to get the problem sorted, it's just going to make you feel insecure and reluctant to have sex.

    It's not like that really, shellyboo. Maybe I worded it badly and gave a poor impression of him. He hasn't blamed the problem on me, in fact he has reassured me that it's not my fault. I only know that he didn't have trouble coming with other girls because I sat him down and asked him whether he had this problem previously or was it just me. If anybody was blaming anybody, it was just me blaming myself, to be honest. I once broke down crying after sex because I was feeling so frustrated and disappointed, so I haven't exactly made it easy on him either.

    Anyway I took some of your advice last night and asked him if we could have a fresh start with all of this. I asked him to masturbate while I watched and cuddled him. It felt a lot better for both of us, and was a bit of an educational experience for me. :o

    Cleopatra12, I don't think the size of his penis is the issue. He seems to be around the average size.


  • Options
    #14
    Cleopatra12
    Closed Accounts Posts: 170 ✭✭Cleopatra12


    OP, great that you had a chat with him and went down a new avenue with him last night. I personally think masturbaing in front of someone is waaay more intimate that having penetrative sex so if it perhaps this is indicitive of how comfortable he is with you. Give the relationship time and no doubt he wll relax enough to orgasm while having sex. If you are comfortable enough, perhaps you should masturbate too while he indulges himself, and from my experience, most guys love it (if it does not gross you out) if you let them cum on your boobs(or other body parts) for example. Sorry if TMI...

    Hope you were not insulted by me asking about his penis size, apologies if you were, but i do know that this (the largesse)can sometimes be a factor for men.


  • Options
    #15
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    Unhappy girl wrote: »
    It's not like that really, shellyboo. Maybe I worded it badly and gave a poor impression of him. He hasn't blamed the problem on me, in fact he has reassured me that it's not my fault. I only know that he didn't have trouble coming with other girls because I sat him down and asked him whether he had this problem previously or was it just me. If anybody was blaming anybody, it was just me blaming myself, to be honest. I once broke down crying after sex because I was feeling so frustrated and disappointed, so I haven't exactly made it easy on him either.

    Ok, fair enough... but I'll reiterate that it's not YOU, it's BOTH of you that are creating this problem... like I say, it's not automatic sometimes with people. We all fit together in different ways, please don't blame yourself!

    I'd also say that you need to disguise your frustration better... in the same way that him not climaxing is making you feel undesirable, your obvious frustration with him will lead him to believe he's not properly saitifying you... which will impact on his self-esteem, too.

    All in all though, you did the exact right thing in talking to him about it and asking for a clean slate :)
    Unhappy girl wrote: »
    Anyway I took some of your advice last night and asked him if we could have a fresh start with all of this. I asked him to masturbate while I watched and cuddled him. It felt a lot better for both of us, and was a bit of an educational experience for me. :o

    An excellent start! :) Keep going with that, and start introducing yourself into the equation... even just starting off with having your hand over his while he masturbates. Baby steps, and it will all work itself out! Good luck!


Advertisement