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  • 27-08-2009 10:55am
    #1
    Kimono-Girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,161 ✭✭✭


    things have been strained between my OH and me for the past few days and i dont know how to fix it, at the weekend he got a shock when it was uncovered his dad (who he idolises) admitted he hates me, wants us to break up and is willing to cut me, my OH and our 7 week old daughter from his life if "need be", it was a shock because it was alwayshis mother who used be nasty to me, but i put up with her for my OH (and my OH used always stick up for me when she did)

    now things are awkward, i dont know what to do? i dont want him to lose his family because of me, my OH is insisting that he loves me and our daughter and is going no-where because we are his family, but i know if he stays with us then his dad is going to kick up, i dont want a split in their famly because other people will be dragged into this, like his brother who misses my OH alot since he moved in with us! but me just ignoring their nasty-ness isn't possible anymore because even with my polite smiles and comments they are just getting worse. we have tried the sit down and talk politely it never worked, my own parents tried talking to them at our daughters christening (where they were so nasty to me even all my family noticed and they were rude to my family) and when my parents attempted to sort it out as we didnt want t cause a scene they were being as nice as pie, even lying to my parents in front of me and my other half (this is why he was so shocked he saw the whole thing)

    i know his parents need to grow up but because im stuck in the middle of this i cannot see how to fix it,

    relationships are alll over the place and i cant even look at my OH knowing he is so hurt and if i wasnt around he would be ok...

    what do i do? i love him so much i hate seeing him hurt...


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    #2
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Hi OP. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

    My own personal view about these kinds of situations, as an older guy, is that his parents are his issue, broadly speaking.

    You cannot and should not get in the middle of his issues with his parents. It is him they are rejecting and hurting here. It is him that they are bullying. It is him that needs to deal with this.

    If you get involved, it will only enflame the situation and give them excuses to use against him. It will also make it harder for him to deal with it.

    If need be you need to tell him this - that HE must deal with this and not allow it to become a battle between you and his parents and lead to a triangular flameout.

    All the best.


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    #3
    Lady Muck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭Lady Muck


    He is a grown man with a child. They can't tell him what to do.


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    #4
    Kimono-Girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,161 ✭✭✭Kimono-Girl


    Lady Muck wrote: »
    He is a grown man with a child. They can't tell him what to do.

    My OH knows that, that's why he isn't letting them tell him what to do, the problem is he doesn't want to lose his mum and dad because he is doing his own thing with us, and thats putting a strain on us,


    and vaiocruiser i have removed myself and our daughter from the situation as much as possible and he is the one dealing with them, it's just not going well,


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    #5
    Lady Muck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭Lady Muck


    If they are willing to cut their son and grandchild out of their lives then that is their problem. Your OH knows who is out of order here.

    I know it is difficult but they are choosing to do this, your OH isn't going anywhere.


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    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    candlelover wrote: »
    the problem is he doesn't want to lose his mum and dad because he is doing his own thing with us,

    He isn't 'doing his own thing' so to speak - he has a wife and a child; this is a perfectly normal family unit. His own mother and father were in the same situation once. It doesn't mean he's cutting out his family, but realistically THEY have to accept that he cannot devote the same time to them that he used to - his wife and child have to come first.

    Why does his father hate you so much? Did you ever have a disagreement, etc? Why all the tension?


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    #7
    ellie1
    Registered Users Posts: 360 ✭✭ellie1


    Is there a reason that his parents are acting this way ? Did something happen to make them feel this way about you?

    Regardless, if you have done nothing wrong. The issue is to do with your oh and his parents. Have they always tried to control his life?


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    #8
    Kimono-Girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,161 ✭✭✭Kimono-Girl


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    He isn't 'doing his own thing' so to speak - he has a wife and a child; this is a perfectly normal family unit. His own mother and father were in the same situation once. It doesn't mean he's cutting out his family, but realistically THEY have to accept that he cannot devote the same time to them that he used to - his wife and child have to come first.

    Why does his father hate you so much? Did you ever have a disagreement, etc? Why all the tension?


    i haven't got a clue up until last weekend i thought we got on great! it was only his mother who made nasty comments to me, she admitted she hated me because when his brother got sick (he went to hospital turned out it was a trivial illness from which he has fully recovered) my OH was with me, she didnt like this(she was worried) and blamed me for the brother being sick at least thats what she told me and my OH...his dad has only said "my **** is a follower" so im guessing he thinks i'm telling my OH what to do...e.g moving in with me (the truth is my OH loves his daughter and wants to be with her when he gets back from work, we never even discussed living together i dont think...he just stayed over and brought clothes with him bit by bit)


    although it may be unrelated but the father was recognised at the event by a close family friend who pulled my mum aside and told her he used know the dad from years back and he was a nasty piece of work.


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    #9
    Kimono-Girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,161 ✭✭✭Kimono-Girl


    ellie1 wrote: »
    Have they always tried to control his life?

    my mum seems to think this is their problem that his parents dont want hm out from under their thumb, he was always the one who helped out at home...and yes they always controlled him, it took me the best part of the year asking him constantly what HE wanted even about basic things like food before he actually started telling me "i want..." he has just started to really get to be himself and make his own decisions now he isn't living at home and he was so happy before this

    i just want to stop him hurting and make him happy again..., and i dont know how to help?


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    #10
    VaioCruiser
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    Next time he is with them (assuming you will not be..) he should behave normally from the start.

    However the moment one of his parents say anything whatsoever negative about you - he should do his duty - he should take an immediate stand and say that he will not accept any bad mouthing or criticism of you, the women he has chosen, under any circumstances and if they continue he will have to leave. If they continue then he MUST leave the house. And if they insist on repeating it at other times, he should make it clear that he has no alternative but to avoid contact altogether.

    I believe that this course of action is his duty to you and to himself. It is the right one and the most effective and clear one and the one most likely to succeed.

    All the best.


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