Couple Counselling

Lady Muck

I know I am cheating a bit here by asking this and not going myself but anyone who has ever done this, can you give me some tips on what helped you and what the actual counselling involved?

We aren't getting on at all at the moment, he is in denial with his depression but it isn't just that. We argue a lot, some things are so insignificant and we don't know why we do it. I suppose we are both stubborn and both want to be right which I know isn't helping.

We hardly have sex, we don't feel close at the moment, we don't talk. Things are very strained at the moment.

I know it may sound silly but I was thinking of putting some questions together on paper to ask him and get him to open up that way because we can't seem to communicate at the moment without either of us getting defensive and turning it into a slinging match. What types of questions would you ask?

We love each other dearly and if there wasn't anything else there, we would have parted a long time ago. We both want this to work, that is one thing we have agreed on.

So if you can give me some tips on what you learned from counselling and maybe if the question thing is a good idea, that would be fantastic.

I know I may sound cheeky but we can't afford to do this ourselves, plus getting him there would be a task and a half and I would like to give it a try at home first.

in two minds

Hi Ladymuck,
You posted in one of my threads, so i know we are both in the same position with our relationships.
We're undergoing marriage/couple counselling with Accord. My husband would never ever have been open to any sort of counselling before, but i think things got so bad that he genuinely wanted to sort his head and life out so when everything came to a head, i didnt have to ask twice.

I really dont think you can do it alone. You cannot take responsibility for making him better, you can only take responsibility for feeling better yourself and for your 50% of the relationship. Therefore it would be no good you directing questions at him. The thing that works about counselling is that there is a totally objective outsider directing the questions. At first you both will just have to talk about what problems you have within the relationship and also what works within it. From then on the counsellor will ask you to elaborate on different things she picked up on, so every session for every couple is very much catered to your own needs.

As far as money, Accord only ask for donations, so really it is whatever you can afford to put in an envelope. And their counsellors are really the highest trained professionals you can get. They are also situated in many different areas so are easy to get to.

I really hope he agrees to go and give it a shot, once he is in there he will be able to open up easily.

Lady Muck

Hello, I am glad you managed to get the counselling in motion.

I have suggested counselling to him and he kind of laughs it off saying we don't need it. Whenever I try to settle a dispute or if we have fallen out, I ask him to talk and he says it is fine now, leave it. But because we don't work through it, it keeps coming back up.

I am hoping now it has gotten to the point for him, like your husband, where he thinks we have no other option short of parting, to get counselling.

Good luck with your relationship, sounds as if you both love each other too much to let it get the better of you.

I am going to look into it then, I have tried before and you said yourself, I can only sort my half out. It would be a good idea to get an outsiders view of the relationship, thanks.

in two minds

How do you think he would feel if you really did decide enough was enough, would that give him the kick he needs to do something about it? I know what you mean about when things aren't sorted out properly they just keep resurfacing, and also you build up resentment within, which is probably why you find yourself making bigger issues about the little things, its just a build up of everything.

Lady Muck

I exploded yesterday due to a build up of worries and frustration. He doesn't listen, he isn't a good communicator. He doesn't like the fact I repeat myself but he never takes notice so I feel I have to repeat myself.

We have had so many "talks" and things end up slipping back to me feeling insecure from his past cheating episode (was a drunken ONS) and we end up arguing because I find it hard to let go of it and I have so many images in my mind wondering why on earth he would do that to me, especially as I know the person too. I try to block it out but it is hard.

He gets angry when I bring it up but he should appreciate it isn't something you forget about overnight. It is a serious matter. I don't even know if a ONS is worse than an affair. Maybe an affair is more forgivable because a ONS is such a pointless task to risk a relationship over (he can barely remember it either which makes it worse).

I am trying to get over it but I don't think I can do it alone, counselling will be the only option if he wants an easy life and if I want my sanity back.

LegacyUser

Hi Lady Muck.

I think you have both tried too hard to put things right and are going the wrong way about it. It sounds as if you are both very strong minded and won't budge. The input of a 3rd party will be helpful because they will take a non biased view of the situation so you can both see where you are going wrong.

They aren't all expensive, just shop around.

In the meantime, try and find what it is that triggers the arguing and try to avoid it best you can, obviously the cheating is a massive issue and he should be bending over backwards to show he is sorry, not getting mad when you are upset. Maybe he is embarassed and ashamed and hates the thought of what he did. Do you still see this person because that will be a constant reminder. Has he ever actually apologised over it? You need closure, he needs to support you through this given he is responsible. This will have taken a huge blow to your confidence as I have been there, concentrate on your self and your confidence, boost your self image. Do something to make yourself feel good again, book a weekend at a spa alone, get pampered, make yourself beautiful and leave him at home to sort his head out. Don't play the victim.

Good luck.

in two minds

Lady Muck wrote: »

I exploded yesterday due to a build up of worries and frustration. He doesn't listen, he isn't a good communicator. He doesn't like the fact I repeat myself but he never takes notice so I feel I have to repeat myself.

We have had so many "talks" and things end up slipping back to me feeling insecure from his past cheating episode (was a drunken ONS) and we end up arguing because I find it hard to let go of it and I have so many images in my mind wondering why on earth he would do that to me, especially as I know the person too. I try to block it out but it is hard.

He gets angry when I bring it up but he should appreciate it isn't something you forget about overnight. It is a serious matter. I don't even know if a ONS is worse than an affair. Maybe an affair is more forgivable because a ONS is such a pointless task to risk a relationship over (he can barely remember it either which makes it worse).

I am trying to get over it but I don't think I can do it alone, counselling will be the only option if he wants an easy life and if I want my sanity back.

Either way I think you should go for your own personal counselling. Being cheated on leaves you with a huge amount of feelings to overcome, low self esteem etc. It would also help you deal with the frustration of not being able to help someone who clearly doesnt want to be helped, at this moment in time anyway. It would help you become a stronger person so you could make a decision regarding your life and future, and you might just decide to walk away from this relationship. I don't envy your situation, and i am in a very delicate situation with my own husband too, so I do understand what you're going through. xxx

Lady Muck

Thank you both, personal counselling is a good idea as I don't think my head is in the right place at the moment, I need to get stronger.

It ruins your life when you are cheated on because there is no going back, nothing will ever put it right and if it does cause a failed relationship, it tarnishs all future ones as well.

I am thinking of getting some independence back as I feel at the moment, I am scared of going out without him because I am worrying what he is up to. I need to start going out more and I may even take an evening class at college, that would give me confidence because I am using my brain and gaining a skill. Plus I am doing something for me in my own time rather than keeping my eyes open on what he is doing, it is destroying me.

in two minds

Lady Muck wrote: »

Thank you both, personal counselling is a good idea as I don't think my head is in the right place at the moment, I need to get stronger.

It ruins your life when you are cheated on because there is no going back, nothing will ever put it right and if it does cause a failed relationship, it tarnishs all future ones as well.

I am thinking of getting some independence back as I feel at the moment, I am scared of going out without him because I am worrying what he is up to. I need to start going out more and I may even take an evening class at college, that would give me confidence because I am using my brain and gaining a skill. Plus I am doing something for me in my own time rather than keeping my eyes open on what he is doing, it is destroying me.

Exactly.

One thing though, is this the first time he has cheated and is it out of character? How long are you together?

I ask because I am not focussing too much on my husband cheating on me, i am turning my attention to WHY he did it as thats what we need to work on. Actually he is going on a stag next month, he came to me, we discussed it and i think it would be good for him. I am not in denial at all, but i view the cheating as a symptom of what he is going through, the depression etc, and not the bigger problem. I know your OH was drunk but he was still aware of what he was doing and the consequences. He needs to find out why he did that, i dont accept alcohol as an excuse, or a reason. If you could work with him on that then you would not have to fear him cheating on you again. Now thats IF it was out of character and the first time he has done such a thing.

Lady Muck

As far as I am aware he hasn't done it before but who knows?

I know alcohol is a poor excuse, he said he can hardly remember it - that is what hurts the most, she wasn't even worth it.

It is very good of you to be cool about the stag thing. We can't have them on a leash for the rest of our lives, they have already proven if they want to do it, they will find a way.

This is why I have decided to take up a course, it will give us space and something else for me to focus on, the 70 hours of coursework at home that they require will help too! :eek::o

I don't even think he knows why he did it, a ego boost maybe? He (quite rightly) doesn't like talking about it so I don't know any more than he did it and that is it, I need to get my head round it. I don't even know why I am still standing by him to be honest. I barely eat because of it. I hope he is disgusted with himself because I know I am.

When I see her too, I just can't believe he cheated on me with her, I am worth 10 of her. I just don't understand.

I have already contacted the college, here is the first step to my independence.

in two minds

Lady Muck wrote: »

As far as I am aware he hasn't done it before but who knows?

I know alcohol is a poor excuse, he said he can hardly remember it - that is what hurts the most, she wasn't even worth it.

It is very good of you to be cool about the stag thing. We can't have them on a leash for the rest of our lives, they have already proven if they want to do it, they will find a way.

This is why I have decided to take up a course, it will give us space and something else for me to focus on, the 70 hours of coursework at home that they require will help too! :eek::o

I don't even think he knows why he did it, a ego boost maybe? He (quite rightly) doesn't like talking about it so I don't know any more than he did it and that is it, I need to get my head round it. I don't even know why I am still standing by him to be honest. I barely eat because of it. I hope he is disgusted with himself because I know I am.

When I see her too, I just can't believe he cheated on me with her, I am worth 10 of her. I just don't understand.

I have already contacted the college, here is the first step to my independence.

The answer to all of those questions will come out through counselling.
Good on you for deciding to do the course, it will be a great social outlet also.
I really do hope he decides to work with you on this.

vandermeyde

In my experience, until you deal with the cheating episode together as a couple, you will continue to fight and bicker until one of you walks away.

There's no point in ignoring the great big elephant in the room, and human nature being as it is, you bringing it up mid-argument is going to make him clam up.

If he's not willing to communicate with you about it, preferably in the "safe" environment of couples counselling, I think you'll struggle to be honest.

In the meantime, doing the course is a good idea for yourself