Me and my bb gun (M16)

rimbaud55

Sunday morning, 11:30, it was a lovely morning. The drunks began to stir from their weary slumber.
I walked to the park with my bb to greet them on their morning off.
Birds flocked, and silence ran out while the church bell tolled through the morning air. Gun nut, they said, while I ran toward my lowly targets.
My gun seemed to smile, just a little. Hail to the bad ass, I thought with a wry smile. I popped off a few rounds, aiming for their confused faces.
Some of them used their bed linen and newspapers to fend off my assault. They began to shout, one of them rolled over in pain when I hit him in tooth.

Grandmother, six o' clock! Trying to creep up on me! Hail to the bad ass I thought with a wry smile, and began firing, generously. She screamed, unintelligebly. I screamed too, uncontrolably. I turned back to the drunks who mumbled profanely in my direction. I reloaded and stood ready to reingage my initial targets, when suddenly, I saw a park ranger headed in my direction, his eyes, filled with murderous thought.
I lay down on the grass and fired. He held his hands over his face and kept coming. I ran away, jumping over the motionless grandmother. ****ing maniac! The park ranger said while he chased me down. I fell, it was over, I kissed my ass goodbye - metaphorically. I covered my head and waited in the fetal position when he fell over me. I watched him hold his nuts, roaring in pain in the mud. Bastard! I said with a wry smile.
I picked up the gun and ran from the park. Where's the platoon gone? Where's my day's from?

pickarooney

A reasonable effort, but there are loads of errors that don't do you any favour.

Space it out a bit and watch your homophones (wry/rye, there/their) and correct the spelling errors.

'Weary slumber' and 'murderous thought' don't really work.

I don't understand what the last line means.

rimbaud55

I must say thank you for your constructive critique, although I think you may have missed the dark humor of the story. I'm afraid that the confused ending is deliberate and calculated...

Thank you again...

rimbaud55

bump