Sisters, growing up and life!

LegacyUser

My sister and I are both in our twenties. We have always been close, more like friends than sisters.

She was always the dominant one and I was always the more easy going, somewhat submissive type. I suppose I was a bit of a doormat for years when we were kids but I didn't really mind as it was in relation to small things really that didn't seem worth fighting for- who gets the better bed, seat (whatever is up for grabs- the usual sibling stuff you have to share) By never standing up to her as a kid I have set a terrible precedent. As we got older the things she demaded of me became more and more unfair (I thought you got more freedom as an adult, not less!!)- she'll dictate to me how I should act, what to say/ not say, give out to me etc.

Strangely enough I am a very confident person, in a quiet way. She is the opposite, always needing someone to tell her that her hair/ make up/ clothes are nice etc. She is not vain at all, she just seems to need this approval from people around her. She really lacks confidence even though she is beautiful and always gets told that by strangers. For years I was that person always propping up her confidence and to be honest, it has become very very tiring- spending an hour trying to help her decide what to wear on a night out and then she'll give out to me if I look like I'm not interested enough or if she thinks I just pick something out quickly to get her to stop going on and on- I don't do this by the way. I just don't have any problem choosing clothes to wear quickly- I'm probably not a typical girly girl!

She'd give out to me for not spending enough time with my friends (that's her opinion!). It's just this constant butting in, telling me what to do, how to live my life- to me it seems unfair. I would never butt into her relationships with her friends and start telling her what she should or shouldn't be doing. To be clear I love her very much and I am always there for her when she has problems, needs someone to confide in etc. And I have told her on many occasions. And we have had so many good times together as adults as well as kids. I just feel I'm not free to be myself. I believe in letting people live their lives their own way unless they ask for your help or advice. She thinks I'm not interested enough in her.

I tried spending a little less time around her as I was just finding the whole thing so cholsterphobic and it was such a breath of fresh air for me. Then I got accused of not wanting to hang out with her etc. I live with my boyfriend (living 45 mins away from her and the rest of my family) and she hates the fact that I now spend more time with him than I do with her. I mean I work Monday-Friday 9-5.30. I spend weekday evenings either with him, going to the gym/ exercising or I might catch up with a friend in the evening. I often meet my friends for lunch. I go home for some part of most weekends to see my sister and my family and I'd do something sociable with her every couple of weeks like a night out or go to the cinema.

I feel that by living my life the way I want to I am offending her by not spending enough time with her. But if I were to act the way she wants me to I would be like a puppy dog just following her around the place.

Has anyone else been through something like this with a friend or a sibling? How have you dealt with it?

ManOfMystery

Have you ever sat her down and told her exactly how you feel, as you've told us above?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Sis wrote: »

....

I feel that by living my life the way I want to I am offending her by not spending enough time with her. But if I were to act the way she wants me to I would be like a puppy dog just following her around the place.

Some people are easily offended - that's not your concern. You live the way you want to, not the way she wants' you to. It's your life and if she CHOOSES to be offended then that's her choice.

LegacyUser

No I've never said all this to her, how could I without really hurting her feelings? I went down the route of just doing my own thing and not buying into her narky tellings off and giving out and I thought she'd just get used to it. I suppose she probably is getting used to it but it feels like she holds a serious grudge against me and I really don't feel like I have done anything majorly wrong- I just like my space and my freedom away from my family.

ManOfMystery

Sis wrote: »

No I've never said all this to her, how could I without really hurting her feelings? I went down the route of just doing my own thing and not buying into her narky tellings off and giving out and I thought she'd just get used to it. I suppose she probably is getting used to it but it feels like she holds a serious grudge against me and I really don't feel like I have done anything majorly wrong- I just like my space and my freedom away from my family.

Well it seems she's been hurting your feelings for quite some time, so maybe just need to be straight with her - tough love. She might not like it, but if you don't then the situation wont change

bSlick

Sis wrote: »

No I've never said all this to her, how could I without really hurting her feelings? I went down the route of just doing my own thing and not buying into her narky tellings off and giving out and I thought she'd just get used to it. I suppose she probably is getting used to it but it feels like she holds a serious grudge against me and I really don't feel like I have done anything majorly wrong- I just like my space and my freedom away from my family.

Hurting her feelings? Hasn't she been hurting your feelings for years? She's the one who is in the wrong and she has no problems hurting your feelings all the time. Its time you set her straight and tell her to cop on. These type of people need to be told, literally, that the world doesn't revolve around them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice folks, I know what ye're saying is right but I somehow feel- just knowing what she's like- that really setting her straight all in one go might just cos irreparable damage. So my plan is to be ready the next time she's condescending/ patronising/ bossy and tell her calmly that it isn't fair that she speaks to me like that- tell her she wouldn't speak to her own friends in that way or expect them to just do as she says when she "cracks the whip".

Oh The Humanity

I feel that by living my life the way I want to I am offending her by not spending enough time with her.

So what.

Thats her problem not yours. She is choosing to take offence at things that are none of her business.

I would totally ignore it.

miec

Hi Op

In a sense you are right not to get into the whole arguement of 'you this, you that', it is unlikely she will listen or if she does, she will forget. What I would recommend (I had a similar problem and solved it this way) is changing your behaviour and she will be forced to change it accordingly.

If she nags you about your friends, or not going out with her enough etc, etc, tell her calmly that you do these things because you want to. For instance, is she says 'why do you have your hair so short', just calmly tell her you like it this way. Or with your friends, if she says do X or Y, just say thank for the advice but I don't want to do that, if she says why, just say because I don't want to.

I would urge you (if at all possible) to never ever explain or justify your decisions, if you do, you are handing back your power over to your sister. See each of you have developed roles since childhood and neither of you have changed it.

Do you go home because you want to or ought to? If it is the latter, I suggest you only visit home because you want to, if she gets narky or angry about it, keep telling yourself that it is her problem, you will find yourself wanting to respond, to justify because at present her opinion of you matters, but you need to get rid of that, so even if you feel like responding, don't. There is no guarantee that she will change or be nicer, but you will learn to empower yourself and quit handing it over to her, you will also have your freedom back. It sounds like your sister is very needy and needs reassurance but by pleasing her you are making it worse. If you make these changes then you help both of you. Good luck with it Op, I hope it works out.