BF's friend too possessive?

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start with or even why it upsets me,just looking for others opinions I guess. To cut a long story short,my BF and I were together for 2 years,broke up for 3months and recently got back together, everything going fine, very happy, trying to make sure we don't make the same mistakes as first time around and move forward because we love each other very much. So tonight we were talking and he mentioned spending more time with his best friend while we were apart,which was fine,a pretty obvious thing to happen. But then he said when he told his mate that he was back with me, his response was "What?!It won't work", etc etc, and my bf said he feels like he thinks he's going to lose him as a friend or whatever and that he sounded so disappointed. He said he tried to explain to him that that won't happen and that he's back with me for a reason obviosuly, but I don't think he was haviing any of it. I just think that as his friend he should have been a bit more supportive and said he was happy for him,no? Am i wrong to be a bit upset over this? I think a small part of me feels like he might try to turn him against me now or something, just to have him all to himself again? By the way this guy has only met me a couple of times and therefore doesn't know me or anything about how my bf and I are when we're together. thanks in advance for your opinions.

Chinafoot

Unreg88 wrote: »

So tonight we were talking and he mentioned spending more time with his best friend while we were apart,which was fine,a pretty obvious thing to happen. But then he said when he told his mate that he was back with me, his response was "What?!It won't work", etc etc, and my bf said he feels like he thinks he's going to lose him as a friend or whatever and that he sounded so disappointed.

How much time did your boyfriend spend with his best friend when you two were an item? If the answer is not a lot, then it would seem the friend is not relishing the idea of being dropped now that you're back on the scene. Unfortunately this is something that happens all too often. The best friend probably feels a little used.

Unreg88 wrote: »

He said he tried to explain to him that that won't happen and that he's back with me for a reason obviosuly, but I don't think he was haviing any of it. I just think that as his friend he should have been a bit more supportive and said he was happy for him,no?

This is entirely dependent on how their relationship works. It really does seem like your boyfriend spent little time with this guy, then when you two break up he spends loads of time with him, and now that you're back together things will probably go back to how they were before. I've seen people do this to their friends and it's a very shítty thing to do. If this is the case your boyfriend will probably be told to go fúck himself should you two break up again and he goes running back to his mate.

Unreg88 wrote: »

Am i wrong to be a bit upset over this? I think a small part of me feels like he might try to turn him against me now or something, just to have him all to himself again? By the way this guy has only met me a couple of times and therefore doesn't know me or anything about how my bf and I are when we're together. thanks in advance for your opinions.

Can you tell us why you have only met your boyfriends best friend a couple of times after a 2 year relationship? I find that very odd and it again leads me to believe that your boyfriends time is spent primarily with you with little given to his friends. Your fear that he'll turn your boyfriend against you to have him "all to himself" really sounds like you're the possessive one here. I dont think his friends reservations have anything to do with how you are when you're together, but rather how little time your boyfriend spends with people outside your relationship. The friend needs to be more upfront about this though.


You should be making an effort with his friend. In my opinion it's very unhealthy for a relationship to be so isolated from friends. Your boyfriend can't drop his mates because he has you (nor should you do it with your own friends) and then expect them to be waiting with open arms should the relationship go tits up.

OS119

'Possessive' isn't the right word, nothing of what your BF's best mate said was about spending time with him, it was all about the quality of the relationship between you and your BF.

he's probably p*ssed off because your BF spent the last two months - and very likely quite a bit of your relationship - moaning at his mates about your relationship and how awful it was (unless, of course, you broke up for no reason?), so they jump for joy when it ends - as friends do when something bad ends for their friend - and he then goes and walks straight back into it.

the phrase 'why bother?' will have leapt to mind.

your view of his behaviour is viewed only through the prism of 'me and my BF getting back together is a good thing for him'. others, particularly those he's been talking to about that relationship for the last few months, may not agree with that premise.

Chinafoot

OS119 wrote: »

'Possessive' isn't the right word, nothing of what your BF's best mate said was about spending time with him, it was all about the quality of the relationship between you and your BF.

he's probably p*ssed off because your BF spent the last two months - and very likely quite a bit of your relationship - moaning at his mates about your relationship and how awful it was (unless, of course, you broke up for no reason?), so they jump for joy when it ends - as friends do when something bad ends for their friend - and he then goes and walks straight back into it.

the phrase 'why bother?' will have leapt to mind.

your view of his behaviour is viewed only through the prism of 'me and my BF getting back together is a good thing for him'. others, particularly those he's been talking to about that relationship for the last few months, may not agree with that premise.

+1 on all of this.

The reason I brought up the lack of time spent together came from the fact that the OP has only met her boyfriends best mate a couple of times. I find that incredibly odd after 2 years. Could be just me though!

cafecolour

Wow, I can't believe your bf is thick enough to relay the fact his BF was complaining about ye getting back together.

I'd second what's said above. Your BF has likely spent the last few months bitching about you. On top of that, near the end of the two years, when things weren't going well, you'd have a fight, and he probably went on the piss with his mate and spent half the time complaining.

So now his mate is thinking, great, I'm going to have to hear about this all the time again. It's pretty normal, TBH, the mate will adjust to it soon enough.

puglover

TBH, I think either your OH's friend hasn't been very understanding and mature or else you bf is totally over-reacting to the fact that he was a little annoyed.

All of what the others have said really is right. Having said that it's a natural thing as we get older and get into relationships to want to spend more time with that person and spend less time with your friends. Good friends will understand that.

I have a very close group of friends all in our mid-late twenties, we've all been in and out of relationships over the years, and know to expect that we're not going to be seeing as much of them when they are in. If something goes wrong or they need us though we'll always be there for them. Ok so sometimes there might be a little bit of annoyance but it passes and it's not something I can ever remember any of us arguing about. One of them recently had a broken engagement and I think she'd actually found the time to meet up with us only 2-3 times in the previous 2 years but we still supported her and gave her as much time as possible.

It's just a part of growing up. I'd imagine your BF's friend is just a little annoyed and it will pass. Your bf is probably overreacting by thinking he is going to lose him.

zero_nine

Your BF's friend probably had to listen to all things that were wrong with the relationship in the first place and is annoyed that you're getting back together.

My friends didn't support me when I got back with my ex.

They were right tho, I should have listened to them.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I don't think the situation should upset you entirely but more that you feel that this has upset and disappointed your boyfriend. Just be there for your boyfriend and show your support but don't get yourself caught in the middle of this.

As a best friend he's probably got the interests of his best friend at hand....doesn't want to see him get hurt, thinks he's making the wrong decision etc.

.....or his jealous of his best friend having something he may or may not have/want/desire for himself....

.... or secretly in love with his best friend.

I would think the first one would be the obvious to start with, and as others have already said, he probably had to put up with him during the split.

TBH the issue is not yours to deal with but your boyfriends and I would stay out of it as much as possible should things turn sour between them. Let them sort it themselves.