BF cheating & i'm 2 months pregnant

LegacyUser

hi all, il try make it short as poss. have been with BF for 1 year & half.
over the last 2 or 3 months he's been acting strange.. he's distant,cranky, snaps all the time for nothing... whereas he used to be very loving & attentive. So i got suspicious and rightly so cos i've found out that he's been chatting & texting to a girl & planning to go meet her, he's apparantly showed her pics off to one of his friends telling him that she's the new love of his life and can't wait to meet her (i was told this by his friends GF)... Bear in mind he has never met her... he's only told 1 friend about his plan, obviously thinking it wouldn't get back to me..
i found pics of her saved on the laptop we share that she's sent him...i've confronted him 2 or 3 times on this and he's snapped at me, told me i'm paranoid and stop spying on him and that there's nothing going on that she's just an old friend...
2 days ago i overheard conversations of him making kissy noises and sweet nothings to her over the phone and telling her he's booked his flights to go see her, she doesn't live in ireland.. he doesn't know i heard this at all and am only waiting for what excuse he'll come up with to go off on this weekend away...
Problem is i'm 7 weeks pregnant. i've known about it approx. 2 weeks and have never been so confused or upset in my life.. we had plans to have a life together & often talked about kids and marriage, both in our late 20's.
i didn't tell him because i had a gut instinct he was up to something before i even found the pics... He either thinks i'm stupid & i believe him or else he doesn't really care what i think.
i had my mind made up to just move out & not to tell him about the baby but in my town chances are he'll find out fairly soon...
anyone ever been thru this b4? i'm terrified at the thought of bringing up this baby alone & can't believe he's actually calling someone he's never met in person the "love of his life"..i didn't think he was that thick!!

lolli

wow op you poor thing. I think that you really need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him about the baby and then talk about everything else going on.

He has probably built up this great image of her in his head. Its totally different when you meet someone in person.

Try not to stress yourself out too much as you need to think of yourself and the baby now.

sunshine007

Lolli from llolliland is right!! You need to sit him down, tell him that he's going to be a father and talk through the situation he is in. He will come clean. But, if you decide that your not going to be with him, and i wouldnt blame you, you should know that you will be absolutely fine bringing up a kid on your own. Thousands of women before you have done it, and thousands more will in the future. You have 7 months to prepare for this now and frankly you need to be stress free. In this day and age women with children/men with children do move on to other relationships sucessfully. Its sounds as though he has made his decision about your relationship by even making contact with this other woman. You need to talk. Now. Before you go crazy with worry.

LegacyUser

I don't understand why you don't want to tell him?

I would be inclined to tell him just before he flys away to meet whoever he is meeting, so he has something to think about.

dellas1979

I LOVE the last line of your post! One of the best Ive ever read.

From this line, Id gage that you are ballsy, guttsy and smart.

Do what you feel is right for you and the baby and I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

I'm going through a similar situation myself, so I know how you feel. I only need to find out if I'm pregant or not. However, I'll tell you what I did: I left and I asked him not to contact me for a while.

Go to your parents or rent your own place. Re-built your life and prove yourself that you can live without him, or any other man, that if you do it's only because he makes your life better.

If he's a real man he'll know what to do and in the end he'll look for you. Give him time to think too. What he did is NOT ACCEPTABLE. He has been taking you for granted and you need to put value on you for him to really appreciate you.

Don't make the mistake of staying because of the baby, if you do he's getting the message that he can get away with everything because he has you trapped with a child.

Many times, people don't appreciate what they have until they lose it.

Good luck x

LegacyUser

hi All, OP here... Going unreg again for this one...
ok so i've come out and told him that i'm pregnant and confronted him about his "other woman"...
His reaction to the other woman was to get defensive, he denied all knowledge of the other girl, saying that he was going on this trip to meet family members he hadn't seen in ages... Even when i mentioned the phone convos i overheard he just went really red and stuttery and walked out saying "this is ridiculous" and accusing me of not trusting him and that I was being sneaky!!
Then, when he'd calmed down i told him i was pregnant... sh** has hit the fan and i'm in bits. He has totally turned into a different person and it's really making me miserable.
Long story short he doesn't want this baby, he went off on a drinking bender for 2 days which is not like him at all, he has said that he can't deal with having a baby right now for lots of (pathetic) reasons... his parents are old and live a fair bit away from us and they're religious and he doesn't want to give them a shock, that he plans to go travelling and doesn't want me or baby holding him back. He wants me to get rid of it and has offered to come with me (big of him... NOT)
And after all of this he is still totally intent on meeting this girl, i went to logon to MSN messenger & there was a conversation between them he never closed... he's telling her he's completely single, that he can't wait to meet her & calling her "my love"..
i just can't believe the man i thought i knew & loved would turn out to be such a complete a***ole!!! i get that he's in shock but so am I.

SarahSassy

Mail her and tell her you are his gf and pregnant with his baby... That will put a stop to that and then dump his sorry ass. What a sad specimin of a human being he is..... You are well rid.

Bottle_of_Smoke

SarahSassy wrote: »

Mail her and tell her you are his gf and pregnant with his baby... That will put a stop to that and then dump his sorry ass. What a sad specimin of a human being he is..... You are well rid.

Yeah I'm sure increased annomosity between them will do the child lots of good :rolleyes:

Tell him immediately, yeah he's being a prick but its best for all of you if he knows and won't be wasting money on a weekend away with this girl.

He might change his act when he realises he's a father. Could be good but he might also push for an abortion. Try and remain civil, this guy's gonna be part of your lives forever now.

squonk

No I think the OP should let the other girl know what's going on. Right now her BF needs to be thinking about what he's going to do about the situation he's in with the OP, not running off to meet someone abroad. The guy's an idiot. I'm with the OP, I can't believe someone can be that thick but she shouldn't let him away with it. There's no point in him causing great upset in the OP's life and then bailing and moving on to someone else to maybe do the same thing down the line. It's one thing to be suddently told you're going to be a father, yes it's going to be a shock to the system but gor heaven't sake you have to then turn around and decide you're either in or out and be honest about it. He's not. Someone has to tell the truth here and he sounds like such a baby that unfortunately it has to be the OP. Cut off this other relationship and force him to focus his mind on this. You can't run away from everything.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, i just wanted to say im so sorry for how things have worked out. you are in a horrible situation and i hope that you have a good friend that you can confide in.
my only advice to you would be to remove yourself from his life. your main priority now should be your baby and your boyfriend does not sound at all good enough to be in your life. Just because you are pregnant does not mean you should have to put up with his actions. ppl will always help you with your pregnancy if you decide to go it alone and if one day your boyfriend decides he does want to be in his childs life then that would be great but In the meantime you cannot force him to be there for the baby if he doesnt want to be. so leave him off to travel if thats what he wants, its his conscience and something we will have to live with.
Don't fee pressurised into doing anything you don't want to and remember your priority should be you and your child.
i hope everything works out for you.

Sephiroth_dude

What a pathetic excuse for a man.......he should take responibility for this child....dump his ass.you deserve better.

LegacyUser

Look OP, I'm sorry but it sounds like your bf does not want any of this - the baby or the relationship.

There's no point in calling his reasons for not wanting the baby 'pathetic'; they're his reasons. He has his own life too.
Its also pretty obvious that he's not commited to you. Sneaking around on his msn & bothering his contacts is not going to change that, in fact it may push him away completely and for good. It sounds like he's not going to tolerate too much more of your behaviour as it is.

You are making the decision to have this baby. You can't make someone else want something you want, and you can't harass someone into changing their behaviour. You need to recognise that you are on your own in this if you proceed with the pregnany, but perhaps, over time, he'll accept the idea and play a role in your baby's life. But only if you stop this carry on and act maturely. He's freaking out at the moment. You need to have a calm head if you want him to see this pregnancy as anything but as disaster. Sorry, but thats the way it is.

Best of luck.

Wurly

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading here. How the OP can be blamed or held responsible in any way for this guy's behaviour beggars belief tbh.

thesecret wrote: »

Look OP, I'm sorry but it sounds like your bf does not want any of this - the baby or the relationship.

Eh - ya think?

There's no point in calling his reasons for not wanting the baby 'pathetic'; they're his reasons.

Oh well that's grand then. It takes two to tango and she didn't get pregnant by herself.

He has his own life too.

And she hers.

Its also pretty obvious that he's not commited to you. Sneaking around on his msn & bothering his contacts is not going to change that, in fact it may push him away completely and for good. It sounds like he's not going to tolerate too much more of your behaviour as it is.

She didn't 'sneak' around on anything. HE didn't close the chatbox.

You are making the decision to have this baby. You can't make someone else want something you want, and you can't harass someone into changing their behaviour.

Not once did I come to the conclusion that the OP was harassing anyone.

You need to recognise that you are on your own in this if you proceed with the pregnany, but perhaps, over time, he'll accept the idea and play a role in your baby's life. But only if you stop this carry on and act maturely. He's freaking out at the moment. You need to have a calm head if you want him to see this pregnancy as anything but as disaster. Sorry, but thats the way it is.

Do you think the OP has had a second to think of any of this?? She's just found out she's pregnant. And to make matters worse, he's cheating on her, lying to her face and still intent on meeting this other woman. Again, I don't see anything from her posts to suggest she's not being mature about this.

I do not see how your post is helpful. And I can't believe that someone would have so little empathy for another going through such a hard time like this. It's as if it's HER fault he did this to her.

OP, this is NOT your fault. I hope you do what's right for you. You are well rid of your boyfriend. You do not need someone like him in your life. I'm sorry this has happened to you.xx

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

hey OP,

You seemed to have caught your man several times with proof that he has other intentions with a girl but haven't really made a huge effort to nail his balls to the wall.

Why didn't you walk in on him when you heard him on the phone?

Why didn't you leave the msn convo open and bring him to the computer and make him explain it?

Why don't you get the girl who told you this and her boyfriend to help you confront him?

You really aren't going out of your way to put pressure on him.

LegacyUser

to "thesecret" thanks for your input... i hope you never find yourself in this position. and as for my behaviour, Just to be clear, i was not sneaking around or harrassing him, we share a laptop and he left the house and left the chatbox open.. it's a bit hard not to notice these things when you live together..
i did show it to him when he came home, and confronted him about the call i overheard at the same time, that's when he went all red & stuttery and turned it around on me, calling me sneaky and that i was spying on him.. i suppose i should have walked in when i heard him on the phone but i was kind of rooted to the spot if you get me... hard to explain but it was a sickening feeling hearing my bf making kissy noises to some girl from the net & telling her he couldn't wait to meet her.
It's only in the last 2 or 3 months he's changed, he was soo good before that, we got on brilliantly, which is why i'm still in shock mode i guess...
i suppose deep down i know that "nailing his balls to the wall" won't make a difference, because whether he admits it or not i know what's going on now..
He's moving his things out in a few days but in the meantime he's staying with a friend.
i haven't decided whether i should tell this girl about me or not, (A) she's not the guilty party here as he's told her all along that he's single, she knows nothing about me so i can't blame her really, much as i'd like to.. (B) He could tell her that i'm just a crazy ex and not to believe me.

LegacyUser

Well, if you were a single girl just starting out with a guy, would you be interested to know if he has a pregnant girlriend?

I know I would. Tell her.

Wurly

Now this will be hard advice to take OP. And if i'm really honest - the temptation to do the opposite to this would be huge for me... BUT!

I'd say nothing. You found out the hard way what he's like. Let her find out the same ( I really don't mean that in a bad way). Don't put yourself in a situation whereby you can be dismissed as the 'crazy ex'. You have enough to deal with. I'm not saying this girl deserves any badness - like you say, none of this is really her fault. But I am just thinking of you here and wondering if that will just cause more sh!te for you and you don't need that.

Revenge is bad for the soul. And as much as it's natural for every human being to want to indulge in it - it will just cause you so much more pain.

The biggest revenge is to pick yourself up, heal your heart and have a happy life without this loser. Sorry to sound so 'Oprah' but its true.

I wish you all the best. And for what it's worth, I think you are being incredibly mature about all this. To say that you don't blame the other girl, even though you're so hurt - well that's maturity. Most girls would have the claws out for the other girl instantly.

You're doing great. x

LegacyUser

thanks Tri, there have been stages where i've turned into a quivering mess but it didn't do me any good and isn't helping my situation, my work and everything is suffering cos i just can't think straight... i haven't told work or my family yet either. i'm not looking forward to their reaction but i've told 2 really good friends & that's helping... posting on here is helping an awful lot as well... just to get some anonymous feedback!!
he's due to meet her next weekend and his friends GF told me he's adamant about her. the temptation to just mail her and spill all is killing me but i think i'll hold out and see how it goes...

dellas1979

I wouldnt bother telling her either.
I know she is an innocent party also, but you have to think of yourself and the baby, not revenge as one other poster said.
She will find out herself one way or another.
You will most definitely, with out a doubt come out the bigger person in all of this.

LegacyUser

I'd just like to say that i am so so sorry for what you are going through. I can speak from experience, i went through a very similar situation.
I am almost 4 years on from it now though so here's my two cents...

Things are very complicated at the moment for you, there is alot more going on for you emotionally than just this relationship. If i could go back and do it again, i would try to focus on me, and not the relationship.
You need to ask yourself, if you weren't pregnant, would you be looking at this relationship in the same way? Would you put up with this, if no, then that is your answer. He should be 100% supportive (or at least trying) if he was really with you.
I know your probably really anxious, and the prospect of going through a life changing experience like having a baby is scary, but if this is the way he is behaving, he will only make things harder in the long run. Seriously...

And as for ringing the girl in question, i did just that...
And it was a big mistake, i'd tried to be rational and explain that things were frayed between us...
She told me that she would wait until i had the baby and that they would possibly pursue a relationship then as he had told her we were finished, but that she wanted to stay in touch with him!
Now, you can trust me on this, your better off not hearing something like that and accepting that you need to focus on you and you're life, and not what he is doing with anyone. There are some seriously outragious people out there, you may not meet them, but if you do it could hurt...!!!
I genuinely wish you all the best, but if he is doing this now, dont waste time on him. If he comes back to you, and shows you (not tells you) that he wants to be with you, then things may change...
Good luck.

metrovelvet

I wouldn't tell her. I'll tell you why.

If you want revenge, did two graves.

Secondly, if you dont tell her, she will come to the conclusion that he's a lying prick all by himself. He will have to layer lie after lie after lie about this. It will all add up to a painful end for him and you wont have to lift a finger, she will do it all for you.

Thirdly, if you do tell her, he will lash out at you, take out all his hostility out on you, and though you dont deserve it, he will use it as an excuse. Let him seethe in it, let it just do its own work because it will eat into his relationship with her anyway. How can it not.

Forget him and her. Forget it. Kick his ass out of your life.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

anon/anon wrote: »

i did show it to him when he came home, and confronted him about the call i overheard at the same time, that's when he went all red & stuttery and turned it around on me, calling me sneaky and that i was spying on him.. i suppose i should have walked in when i heard him on the phone but i was kind of rooted to the spot if you get me... hard to explain but it was a sickening feeling hearing my bf making kissy noises to some girl from the net & telling her he couldn't wait to meet her.
It's only in the last 2 or 3 months he's changed, he was soo good before that, we got on brilliantly, which is why i'm still in shock mode i guess...
i suppose deep down i know that "nailing his balls to the wall" won't make a difference, because whether he admits it or not i know what's going on now..

oh, sorry about that, didn't realised you had confronted him like that

you're right that it won't make a difference, ****ty situation to be in, if you can just turn your back and go, even just for a break to sort your head out