family invasion

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, would really appreciate some thought/opinions on this matter.
im going out with my bf for about 18 months,we are both in our mid-twenties.
we get on very well, always have a laugh and have never really had any major rows. im very much in love with him and thats why this bothers me so much.

the thing is his family really bother me BIG time. he has 4 sisters, no brothers, and they are very very close. it is very unuasual for just the two of us to do something on our own without at least one of his sisters being there. be it going to the cinema, going out etc. now ive no problem the odd time haging out with said sisters but i get so frustrated that he always asks them to come out with us, he never consults me about this.

he even went on holiday with his family and i wasnt invited yet 2 sisters brought friends!
i feel that he is trapped by his family, if we arrange to go to the cinema his mother will say.....oh you should ask X to go, same if we're going out. i think he feels preassured into inviting them everywhere! he will do anything to avoid an argument. its as if he cant say no.

i have mentioned this to him on a couple of occassions but its still happening, only the week end gone by in fact, and i ending up getting very drunk(which is unuasual for me) to try and escape how annoyed i was. i dont think i can change him. my own family although close, just get on with their own thing. i cant put up with it much longer, i dont want living a life where by im always giving in and putting other people before me.

i also get the feeling that his mother and sisters are in some way jealous of me, i think they feel im trying to take their son/brother away from them, could this be possible?
i just think they being the age they are, they need to grow up and get on with their lives and stop living in each others pockets......am i being harsh?

has anyone been in this position and how did you deal with it.

Taltos

You might just be getting the package deal here.
If you have said it to him and there is no change then this might be just the way it is.

What you might want to do is to encourage him to spend time with them alone - but then to reciprocate - take you our somewhere great without his family. What you could also do is to use the old dog training tip - ie rewards. When he does something just with you without the family reward him - not in an obvious way - but at the same time noticeable - my wife calls this "training by sex" - cringing here as I am having to think back...

I too come from a very close family and I struggled with just spending time with one or the other without them being involved together. Took alot of patience on her side and a few chats to get through to me in the end - though I do still struggle on occasion.

At the end of the day though next time his mum pipes up - hopefully he just respond - "maybe next time - tonight is a date" - or if there is a silence then you might want to say "sure John I didn't really want to see that anyway - you go with your sis I will go out with my mates or do get my nails painted..." maybe forcing the choice - but he has to know there are consequences.

Word of caution - pls be sure you are not the one being jealous here - if it comes down to it he will more than likely choose his family or you will be known as yer wan who twisted his mind... So think it through and figure out what is annoying you - not being considered or not getting to spend quality time with your oh.

ps - if they keep joining you - make em squirm... if you know what I mean.

LegacyUser

thanks taltos for your reply, its good to hear from a man who was in the position by oh is in.
i really dont think im the one being jealous, for instance last week we met up, i was a week and a half previous to that, that we saw each other(due to work and other commitments)

anyway he sugested we go to the cinema, i said great. so we're driving towars the cinema and i notice he's in the wrong lane, i say "eh where are you going" he says "oh my sis MIGHT be coming" i stay quiet for the duration of the journey. he drove to his home which is 40 mins away and his sis wasnt even there, i could even understand why he couldnt have called her. now i really dont think im over reacting to think that this is incredibly stupid!

its like he knows he should be spending more time with me but instead of discussing things he'l sneakily do stuff like i mentioned above.

the way i look at it is.....he is my boyfriend, i love him i want to spend time with him not his family, i see them as interferring alot of the time.

on another occassion his sis was out with us, my exams were approaching and i was arranging what we'd do when they had finished, i suggested we go for drinks at my friends apartment( my oh doesnt like drinking at home/ in apt) so i wased him would he mind, he wasnt too keen and i got annoyed because i never make demands on him, then his sis told me to leave him alone! wel im not violent but she wasnt lucky i didnt hit her. it is none of her business what goes on between me and my bf!

LegacyUser

hi op,
Kinda in same situation as your boyf,
I'm female in mid 20's and going out just over year and half, I work away from home during week (boyf lives in our home town area) and have noticed that my boyf seems to spend alot more time with me and family that some we do on our own or with his family: especially at weekend.
advice i can offer, talk to him about it, explain that you would like on occasions to spend time alone with him....as other poster suggested...point out the benefits to your boyf of spending time alone...... ie sex it up initally but gradually get him used to spending time alone with you.
im my situation my boyf actually likes my family and gets on with them, sometimes even if we are going somewhere, i have to drag him out of my family house!
I dont think there is anything wrong with your boyf being close to his family, but maybe its is just the way it is for now, Ie situation not living together yet or living in family home.

another idea, maybe encourage you both to go away for a weekend, or on holiday.....you'll get undivided attention then......and family will definitely know not to intrude: and physically will not be able if your away in a different county or country!!
after the getaway, say to him how much you enjoyed the holiday....or break and it was nice to spend time alone....if he enjoyed it too, he'l want to repeat it, and not have to wait until next holiday!
sometimes relationships swing about, not really right word:
what I mean....you seem to spend too much time together...and get a bit sick of each other, times then like you describe you cant get a min to yourselves. this makes the holiday idea good....you get time together if needed but also time away from everything in life (in the case his family) that add stress to relationship!

Taltos

Maybe then just sit him down and calmly (stay calm) recite an incident from a day or so ago - do not trawl thru loads of these instances - will put him on the defensive.

Do not attack him - but let him know that you are feeling unloved or upset that the two of you never spend quality time together.
Key thing in this conversation is not to make it - I said - You did.
Instead speak clearly and calmly and highlight how you feel...

Then ask him is there anything the two of you can do to make this better for you?

This is all about you letting him know how you are feeling - and not about letting him know what he is doing wrong - if it becomes a blame game then he will close down - go on the defensive - and you might as well talk to the wall...

Then towards the end of your chat lay out some guidelines for you both. His family are obv important to him but you should be too. There has to be flexibility here but there also has to be recognition that his actions however well intentioned are upsetting you and threatening your relationship.

My wife approached this from the other angle - broke down in tears etc etc - tore me apart. And it took her doing this over an extended period before it really sank in. Maybe by staying calm and keeping relevant you can short-circuit this. You might feel like crying during this chat - and it is ok to do so - otherwise you could be called a cold b***h.

By the way his sis telling you what to do? Faff off miss - not sleeping with you .... Seriously - he needs to tell his family to back off - if they have an issue they talk to him. What you and he do should be none of their concern - obv their boundaries are way too low or non-existant.... Again this is a good guideline to set with you both.

Remember to thank him at the end for being so caring bla bla bla
Gawd have I become the guy that sells out the rest of us???? Noooooooooooo