A nicer relationship question...

LegacyUser

I hope this doesn't drag out too far. Thanks in advance for any replies.

The story so far: I met a fantastic girl at the beginning of the summer. She's not Irish and had to return home after the 3 weeks or so we spent together. It was love at first sight (or whatever the real world equivalent is...) for us both and we have been writing letters and Skyping back and forth all summer. I do love her and I now know what people mean when they say "you just know". It's fantastic. I am heading over to visit her soon, flights are booked.

I am going into the final year of my university course which is very demanding. I am aiming to get a first and I know I can do it with hard work and dedication. However, we have been planning for her to come to Ireland and stay (live) with me sometime in the New Year til I finish college. This sounds wonderful to me, but my reason is telling me that is not a good idea because:

-We are a very new couple. Wouldn't it be better to keep our distance and for her to just come and visit me for a month-ish. Then I could visit her, etc, etc. She is on a year out and will be starting college (things work slightly differently where she is from. She has effectively already completed first year) in September 2010.

-We are both very young (I'm 21, she's 19)

-I would have to (and we've talked about this) be studying flat out. I know that all I'd just want to be with her all the time. How could we cope with me needing to study all evening? She would search for a job through a work abroad program and through my searching before she arrives.

-She would be sharing my bed. I sort of feel like we'd be playing "the married couple". I mean in my head it sounds awesome, but I don't think it's quite right either. From where I am right now, I want to marry the girl (call me stupid, it's only been three months, etc, etc), but I want to do it right.

So I guess I'm asking whether you think the worries above are stupid. If not, then how should I go about telling her that I don't think her coming to Ireland and looking for a job in a coffee shop while I study my brains out is a good idea?

I think the ideal situation would be for her to come for about a month, stay with me, then leave to allow me to work as hard as I can and get that first which, long term, will benefit us both more than having 5 months of "playing at being married". I'd like to be really married to her, just not yet. How do I tell her this. She is really looking forward to coming to Dublin (she loves Dublin ) and says things like, "I can't wait to live with you". I totally can't wait either, I just think maybe the months before my finals are not the right time to do it.

Sorry for the feature length article.

Thanks.

Shelga

Woah. On one hand, you seem sensible enough- you know college is important and seem to have put thought into this- that living together might not be all it's cracked up to be etc.

On the other hand- it's been THREE MONTHS. Yes I know you were expecting to have this type of reply, but there's a reason for it! I'm going into final year of a very demanding course as well and I am not letting anything get in my way until June next year. You're definitely right in thinking that spending time with her in the run up to finals could be disastrous. College should be your priority. End of.

I'm not saying dump her or anything, and yes it's great that you seem so sure, but why live together at all? That soon in a relationship, even living together for a short while could cause all sorts of problems. Could she perhaps come over at Christmas when you'll be taking a bit of a breather anyway? Why does it have to be for 4/5 weeks?

Depending on how far away she is, maybe she could just visit for long weekends? If she really is The One, long distance for 9 or so months is more than manageable. Best of luck!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks loads for your reply, Shelga.

We're on opposite sides of the Atlantic. For this reason, planning in advance seems to be the nature of things. It would be much better to take things as they come for the first while, I know, but we can't really do that if we ever want to see each other and not pay a bomb to do so (have to book flights in advance).

Do you have any ideas on how to go about broaching the question of visiting, not living with (when I see her in the next few days)? I'm not entirely sure why we jumped straight to her living with me when she comes. For the weeks we were together, she was living with me, effectively and weirdly enough, so maybe it just feels that we want back what we had. We were doing the whole, I-go-to-work-in-the-morning-say-goodbye-at-the-front-door thing (summer internship). We both totally loved it. Ugh, I sound like such a sap! Oh, well. It's all true. Also, just to say that the idea of living together doesn't scare me at all (or her, so she says). Call me an idiot (must stop using this phrase), but it's true.

Can someone outline the reasons why we should NOT live together: I can't get them clear in my head. They just float away as soon as they take form.

Shelga

Well, going from not seeing each other at all to living in each other's pockets might make you quickly sick of each other. You might end up resenting her for taking away from your study time, which you seem to realise would end up happening. Finances might also be a problem, if she is unable to find work and has to rely on you. It might seem exciting and fresh while you are so far apart from each other, but the mundanities of daily living could see you run out of things to say to each other and start bickering.

Then again, only you know how strong your relationship is. I was living with my boyfriend for the last week or two while away and yeah it is great! I would just worry about the honeymoon feeling wearing off and being around each other all the time starting to feel suffocating. Talk to her. Just tell her the truth- that you're crazy about her but you need to focus on college work. I'm sure you could come to some arrangement- a two week visit halfway through the year or something? Plus it would be very difficult for her to find a job if she's only going to be here 4-5 weeks. I'm sure she'll understand!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

thefeatheredcat

LovedUpWally wrote: »

Can someone outline the reasons why we should NOT live together: I can't get them clear in my head. They just float away as soon as they take form.

OP,

I've re-read the posts several times..... And I just don't get the situation at all. You seem very level headed in what you've already said, but I think you are taking this situation a little too seriously.

It's very opportunistic of her to move in with you. If she is going to be working here for a year, surely she should be asserting more independence in finding a place for her to live herself or other people first?

Are you sure you're not being taken advantage of?

Moving in with you saves her all the hassle of finding somewhere herself to live plus a job.

I think you need to also think about what will happen once you've finished college - what's next and what are the job prospects like for you relating to your course?

You could face the prospect of having to relocate to get a job in the area you're qualified, would she be prepared to move with you should your relationship continue afterwards?

If you were talking of renting a place together, I would see it a little differently.

I hope that her feelings are genuine as I would be sad for you should it not work out and impacts your college work to the point that you do less than you would have normally expected of yourself.

I hope that what you feel is real for both of you, but I would have my doubts about the situation working out positively and would be a bit wary given her reason to come to Ireland and her young age (If I were 19 I think my parents would be a little worried that I was going to be living literally within the pockets of someone I met on holiday and only known for 3 mths).

Best of luck!

EDIT:
OP, just also wanted to say, if I were you, I would perhaps see how things go first with her living and working in Ireland or visiting eachother. It's early days in the relationship. And all communication such as Skype, email, IM etc can give a false sense of closeness, so be careful of that.

Contessa Raven

From what you say you will be far too busy to devote much time to this relationship. You said you'll need to be studying "flat out" so maybe it's best if she only visits for a little while.

Also, how do you think she'll feel when you're in one room studying all the time and she's stuck in the living room when she's home from work watching TV hoping that you'll take a break to spend time with her?

I know she probably knows you'll be busy and she's prob happy with this. But I guarantee when she's there and being shoved to one side, she'll start to resent the situation. If you love this girl, then put yourself in her shoes and think about whether she'll appreciate this when she's thrust into the middle of it.