Sick of depressed friend

LegacyUser

I know I sound like a horrible person here and im prepared for abuse but i need someone to listen as i can't talk to mutual friends. I first of all want to say that I suffer from depression myself and have done since I was about 13 or 14. This has mostly manifested itself as social anxiety and can be severe although I try my best to live my life around it - I don't talk about it to friends and have managed to work up to getting a nearly normal social life (I could barely leave the house as a teenager). This year in college I made friends with an American girl, visting student. She seemed really nice and funny and when she confided in me about her depression, I was happy she found someone to talk to and I was happy to be there for her as I knew a year abroad would be hard on her.

The problem is, she really is NEVER happy. I know myself how that feels, but she goes on and on and on about her sadness/depression all the time. She has an online blog and almost every entry is about how she cried 3 times today, how her parents are mean because they didn't email her goodnight etc. I really do understand the feelings, but she just comes across as so whiny and spoiled, particularly on the blog (the address of which she gives out to classmates). She gets angry over the smallest little things, but she thinks they are huge things. I know that's classic depression, but she really genuinely feels hard done by all the time. She had a huge fight with her parents because they were reluctant to give her 3,000 euro to stay in Ireland for the summer after they'd already paid for her year over here. She said she deserved it as she'd got an internship which didn't pay. In the end they gave it to her. She also freaked out at her mother for not having enough sympathy for finding a spider in the bath. This is all really starting to bother me because it seems like total immaturity. She is 21 and she goes on like a child. She does have a lot going for her but she expects praise for every last thing, and then feels like she deserves a prize for doing it. She can't ever just be happy she did well.

She also never asks anyone how they are or if they're OK, ever. Her blog is 100% self centered. When she writes about other people, it's to complain about how mean they are to her. She never seems to think about their feelings. I find it hurtful sometimes when she writes she has no friends here and no-one cares, when I and another few of my friends try so hard to include her, invite her places, be there for her. It feels like a slap in the face. She also never acknowledges anything good in her life. I suffer from depression and can be a moany hole but I can still recognise that I'm quite fortunate in lots of ways. She has parents who love her, a brother she's close to, pets she loves and a lovely big house in a beautiful area. Her parents take her depression seriously, ring her all the time, have sent her to a therapist for the last 8 years, paid for all her college stuff. That doesn't mean she has nothing to moan about but she goes on as if everyone is horrible to her and her life sucks. It's just a bit hard for me to take when I know so many people who have had really, really unfortunate and sad lives and have to bite my tongue every time she starts on about it.

What can I do? It's so hard to say anything to her without her getting angry and crying and saying no one understands her. I really do want to be her friend, but it's draining me. I have my own problems which she has no idea about because she's always talking about hers. She just seems to assume everyone else is happy and perfect and can't see that some people just hide their sadness better than others. She has told me several times I'm not really depressed because I hardly ever cry and I've never seen a therapist (im a poor student and my parents can't afford one!) so I gave up trying to empathise. Help!!!!!!

ManOfMystery

I mostly give people the benefit of the doubt and would happily make concessions for anyone who suffers from any form of depression or illness, but you know what - your 'friend' needs a kick up the ar$e.

Is she really a friend or a leech? It sounds like she does nothing for you whatsoever, is totally self-centred, and your only role is to pander to her ego.

meditraitor

Drop her, and dont feel bad, life is too short.....

metaoblivia

I know people like this and honestly, my sympathy only goes so far.
What can you do? Well, tbh, you can't do much about her. It sounds like she's decided to be sad and unhappy, and until that changes, that's how she's going to be.
For your sake, you can cut back on the amount of time you spend talking and interacting with her. I find that people like that can suck the positive energy and life out of you. I wouldn't consider it an act of selfishness; I would consider it an act of self preservation.

cruizer101

By the sounds of this you need to start pulling away. While it is all well and good trying to help those around you and the end of the day the most important person you have to look after is yourself.

Some people may think this a self-centred attitude but think about it. What help are you to anyone else if you end up depressed yourself.

XarcherX

i would pull back from her, as you've suffered from depression yourself before and have come through it, it won't do you any good listening to her wearing you down all the time...
you do need to look after yourself..
Fair enough if she is genuinely depressed but she seems to have tons of support from her family and a therapist for 8 years which has done nothing but make her think everyone's being nasty to her??? She still seems to be functioning well everywhere else, college etc.
if i were you i would have taken offense the first time she told you that your not really depressed cos you didn't see a therapist and told her where to go... that is sheer selfishness. not everyone's born with a golden spoon.
i've had a relative suffer from this so i'm not alien to it, but it just sounds like the more you listen to her the more she'll keep whingeing and she knows it.

Oh The Humanity

Just drop her.

It doesn't sound like depression to me, it just sounds like a spoilt kid who thinks the world owes her a living.

Draining!

Eve_Dublin

Why do you want to be her friend?? My God, I'd have to gouge my ear drums out with a fork if I was to remain friends with this girl. She sounds like an utter NIGHTMARE!! Seriously...what redeeming qualities does this girl have that makes her "friend material"? Your friends are the one people you get to choose in this life, unlike your family. You have no obligation to this girl...friends come and go and really, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH (read: this is very important), reduce contact with her gradually and eventually cut her off.

cafecolour

This what 8 years with a bad/mediocre therapist can do - make you even more self-obsessed and over analytical.

Give up empathy. She doesn't want empathy, she wants wants an audience.

If you want to try keep hanging out, tell her explicitly that listening to her complain so much is making you depressed and that the new rule is that she's no longer allowed to complain when ye are together. If she starts in on it when you are there, say "Remember the rule, no complaining" like you're scolding a child. Heck, wag your finger at her.

Or if you don't want to bother, just phase her out of your life. There's no need for confrontation/explanations, just slowly spend less time with here and 'be busy' when she wants to hang out.

Darthhoob

Her parents take her depression seriously, ring her all the time, have sent her to a therapist for the last 8 years

her parents need to get a new therapist, mind you at 21..she is old enough to look after herself!

i honestly couldn't finish reading your post OP, i suffer from depression and social anxiety too and reading what you were saying about her just pissed me off, there is having depression then there is the whole emo "woe is me" act....my dad does that and it ripped the family apart.

honestly you are better off without her, she doesn't seem to acknowledge your efforts anyways x

Seraphina

She's not depressed, she's self obsessed. She's one of those people that think depression makes her special or something, like she's sick and should therefor get extra attention. Depressed people do not act like that.

IvyTheTerrible

Sorry but if she is so annoying why do you still read her blog? That's only going to irritate you more. If you don't like her, drop her. You don't need to be friends with everyone, and certainly not with emotional leeches.

RossFixxxed

Seraphina wrote: »

She's not depressed, she's self obsessed. She's one of those people that think depression makes her special or something, like she's sick and should therefor get extra attention. Depressed people do not act like that.

That last line isn't right. I'm no expert, but self obsession is a trait of some forms of depression. The need for constant self validation and an audience. It's a bit contradictory in a way though isn't it.

However, in this case I agree with the above post that she seems just totally self obsessed to the point that the depression has taken a back seat!

You're just feeding into it at this stage, she needs to have all her 'oxygen' cut off to let this die down.

Look after yourself and don't buy into it, you'll be helping.

sam34

Seraphina wrote: »

She's not depressed, she's self obsessed. She's one of those people that think depression makes her special or something, like she's sick and should therefor get extra attention. Depressed people do not act like that.

are you qualified to make that diagnosis based on what a friend of hers has posted here?

Depressed people most definitely can be self obsessed, but posting stuff about how depressed you are on a blog all the time and making a big deal out of a spider just smacks of a spoiled, whiny person who doesn't realise how good they have it. She probably is genuinely depressed but that doesn't stop her being a self centered brat. I have had anxiety/depression issues since childhood and the worst thing for me is wallowing in self pity or trying to make others feel sorry for me. There's no need for it. Classifying yourself as a 'misunderstood', sad person and going on about how you have no friends is going to guarantee a miserable life. People can be lovely and patient but nobody likes a whinebag who doesn't even ask how they're doing. Her parents have probably made her even worse by indulging her neediness and sense of entitlement. I mean, I was very anxious during my first few months of college and phoned home a lot, but jesus, you have to grow up sometime. My parents made it clear that they would not be listening to be whine every night and that my anxiety was not to be used as an excuse for bad grades. It sounds like she just doesn't have enough to worry about so she she worries about the pettiest, stupid sh1te and is making herself unhappy for no good reason.

I also believe the American style 'therapists' do more harm than good for this type of person, validating their 'illness' so they can walk around feeling like a victim and blaming everything on it, encouraging them to focus on themselves even more. It sounds like she has let this depression define her rather than being something she happens to have. I'd be cruel to be kind, tell her what you have written here, tell her you're tired of her going on all the time and if she carries on, you will have to cut her off.

RossFixxxed

[quote=[Deleted User];61797906]Depressed people most definitely can be self obsessed, but posting stuff about how depressed you are on a blog all the time and making a big deal out of a spider just smacks of a spoiled, whiny person who doesn't realise how good they have it. She probably is genuinely depressed but that doesn't stop her being a self centered brat. I have had anxiety/depression issues since childhood and the worst thing for me is wallowing in self pity or trying to make others feel sorry for me. There's no need for it. Classifying yourself as a 'misunderstood', sad person and going on about how you have no friends is going to guarantee a miserable life. People can be lovely and patient but nobody likes a whinebag who doesn't even ask how they're doing. Her parents have probably made her even worse by indulging her neediness and sense of entitlement. I mean, I was very anxious during my first few months of college and phoned home a lot, but jesus, you have to grow up sometime. My parents made it clear that they would not be listening to be whine every night and that my anxiety was not to be used as an excuse for bad grades. It sounds like she just doesn't have enough to worry about so she she worries about the pettiest, stupid sh1te and is making herself unhappy for no good reason.

I also believe the American style 'therapists' do more harm than good for this type of person, validating their 'illness' so they can walk around feeling like a victim and blaming everything on it, encouraging them to focus on themselves even more. It sounds like she has let this depression define her rather than being something she happens to have. I'd be cruel to be kind, tell her what you have written here, tell her you're tired of her going on all the time and if she carries on, you will have to cut her off.[/QUOTE]

Harsh but fair. The thing is there is a natural amount of sympathy for any illness, but if you milk it you will just push people away. And everyone admires someone who can soldier on. My OH did her back in, and it must have been excruciating. I was doing my best to help, but she really just got on with things, no self pity, no snapping at me etc. Admirable.

Look if you're sick people will help, but at this stage it's just tedious, and may be feeding the problem much further. I've seen so many blogs like that and it just gets tedioius. I've even done it and cringe with embarrassment nowadays. Say it to her, and don't let her drag you down.

AMK

I don't want to sound mean but is this girl suffering from genuine depression? From the description of her behaviour it sounds like she feels a need for continual attention and seeks to get her own way. She may be using her depression as a tool. She also sounds very self-centred.

I'm curious about your remark 'I really do want to be her friend'. Why do you want to be her friend? Friendship should enrich both peoples lives and this sounds like a real one-way system that is making you unhappy. For that reason I would suggest you back away from this girl.

martdalto

Im no expert, but I thought people suffering from depression had highs and lows. Depression and elation?

You don't need this sort of person in your life. You think you do, because you think you can help her with her "depression". You're not helping. Her parents aren't helping. Her therapist isn't helping. Nobody can help this girl because she doesn't want help.

I may be wrong, but I think her parents mustn't be THAT worried about her mental state if they were happy to send her over seas for a year, away from family and support she'd have set up.

They possibly were thrilled at the prospect of a years (relative) peace!

Yes, she may well suffer or has suffered from depression in the past. At the moment though, I think she has just gotten used to feeling down, and now doesn't know how to feel otherwise.

I like the suggestion of "NO COMPLAINING" Rule. (And the wagging finger if she starts!)

Some people are just miserable, and they actually enjoy being miserable. Bring her out with a gang of friends some night. Make the "fun night, no complaining rule" and make it a game... Whoever grumbles (or even looks moany) has to buy a round of drinks - each time!

Failing that, just drift away from her. I know you'd like to be able to help, but you can't. And don't worry about her being alone.... she'll find someone else to cling to.

LegacyUser

Sometimes its really hard not to hurt someone , when you have been a friend to them for so long and now want to retract that friendship and lessen the time you spend with that person , especially if you have to see the person on a daily or weekly basis! and especially if they have your phone number + email address + know where you live... Eventually, if you have decided that you do not want to be friends with this person , you have to let them know , in no uncertain terms. Otherwise your in Danger of taking on the role of Counselor/babysitter/foster parent to this person , which is gonna drain the energy right out of you.

I remember A friend of mine in secondary school , telling me that she couldn't hang around with me any more ... because her mother said so !

Can you post anonymously on her blog and let her know how incredibly self centered and attention seeking she is being? OR , you could start up your own blog , and type about all your problems with her ... or Link to this page in a comment on her blog!