Life is passing me by

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I could really do with a place to vent, and maybe recieve some feedback. I chose here because you lot seem alot more sane and with it than many other forums for gay people.

I am a 25 year old male. My life is in a complete mess. I don't know what to do anymore. I've reached the point of numbness towards people and emotions. I don't love or like anymore because of the danger involved. My life is one long boring repititive day full of regrets.

Basically, I'm gay. I have never admitted to anyone. Ever. Not my family, not close friends etc. I don't really know why. My family are not conservative, my friends non-judgemental and yet time and time again when I meet people I don't ever consider that I might one day tell them. It always was a form of procrastination for me. I obviously wasn't going to come out at school, but college looking back should have been the natural choice for me to do it. I didn't. And now college is a distant memory and I am in the world of work, and I'm still not. I have never had a relationship. I have never even been with a guy. Never had a kiss with the sex i am attracted to, never held hands, exhcanged texts, had emails etc. I've basically denied myself a whole side to life that most other people enjoy, or at least engage in. Me? Nada. And I am aware that it is all down to my own stupidity for not having the courage to be who I am. It depresses me to think that I went through my college years and never got to explore that side to myself. That I couldn't buck the trend and be the gay guy who wasnt stereotypically gay. Instead I had a littany of meaningless one night stands with girls while all my mates thought I was some sort of hero with the ladies. And yet never had a girlfriend because I just couldn't connect with a girl on the same level that I could with a guy.

I know I'm ranting but I'm just lost. I don't even know what advice I am looking for. I feel I had a golden opportunity to come out, I flunked it. Now I am 25. And I've missed out on about a decade of having a love life. I wouldn't know where to start at this point. I've almost resigned myself to the fact that i'm going to be a 30 year old lonely guy sitting at home cursing myself for all my mistakes. I wish I could feel exited by the fact i'm gay but its only getting worse. I've missed so much. And I know I should be looking forward and be optimistic about the future but I feel the best of me is gone, my best years are over and I denied myself something so fundemental and now i'm paying the price.

Has anyone any advice? Its affecting my whole life. I am a shadow of my former self, quite literally.

ixoy

I noticed you say:

That I couldn't buck the trend and be the gay guy who wasnt stereotypically gay.

Now maybe I'm mis-reading you here, but did you feel that you wouldn't have fitted in somehow? That other gay men, the majority of them, just wouldn't be like you and that you'd be forced to buck a trend? I'm wondering if there's been an innate sense that you feel you can't relate to the idea of a gay man and that this is what's been stopping you.

Boston

Well you've finally realised that there's no better time to start living your life then now. The world of work really brings into focus what your real life goals should be. When you're working some 9 to 5 job its hard not to ask if there isn't something more to life. Now you know there's a problem here, so what are you going to do about it? Make a plan about what's wrong with your life and what you'd need to do to fix it. Compare the life you could have with the life you think you'll have if you do nothing.

I'm not going to advise you to come out, quit work, go back to college, sleep around or the like, I don't know you enough for that, but from the sounds of things you've got a pretty clear idea of what you're about and what's holding you back, it's probably time you said fuk it to your baggage.

I.J.

I am 25 also and while im in college reading your post is just like seeing a mirror image of myself. Im worried that I am going to end college not having done anything with my sexuality because I am here right now and still dont know where to turn or what to do because I have no interest in gay bars and dont really enjoy the "camp" world of gays which are all I see at college. I wish you had a registered name so I could PM you to talk about these things privately. I dunno if you've done this yet but talking with someone who understands the situation one to one really is so important. Thats what I have certainly found.

Tricity Bendix

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically, I'm gay. I have never admitted to anyone. Ever. Not my family, not close friends etc. I don't really know why. My family are not conservative, my friends non-judgemental and yet time and time again when I meet people I don't ever consider that I might one day tell them

The hardest person to be honest with is yourself. And, to be honest, everyone else's views on your sexuality are entirely secondary; until you can be completely honest with yourself, there isn't a chance of you being able to be honest with your friends and family. Being able to think to yourself "I like men", without that thought making you feel guilty or dirty or wrong is a prerequisite for coming to terms with your sexuality.

but college looking back should have been the natural choice for me to do it. I didn't.

There is no set formula for this sort of thing. Not everybody is ready to come out in college. I know I speant the better part of college trying to ignore the fact that I might fancy guys. It was only when I had been through college that things started to kick off. Do I regret not coming to terms sooner? probably yes, but I'll be damned if I use that as a reason to stop enjoying myself NOW.

Now I am 25. And I've missed out on about a decade of having a love life. I wouldn't know where to start at this point. I've almost resigned myself to the fact that i'm going to be a 30 year old lonely guy sitting at home cursing myself for all my mistakes. I wish I could feel exited by the fact i'm gay but its only getting worse. I've missed so much. And I know I should be looking forward and be optimistic about the future but I feel the best of me is gone, my best years are over and I denied myself something so fundemental and now i'm paying the price.

For flip sake, you're 25, you're life is far from over. you're still a young person. Instead of worrying about being 30 and lonely, worry about being 25 and lonely. What can you do, right now, to help your situation? And if you feel you can't do it, why not?

Not all gay guys out there are limp-wristed and talk like they wish they were from California. You dont "buck a trend" you merely dont conform to a stereotype peddled by mass media. There are plenty of gays/bisexuals out there who dont wear tight, glittery t-shirts.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't love or like anymore because of the danger involved.

What danger? This isn't Iran or Iraq. It's Ireland, nobody really gives a s*** what you get up to.

Stop living in the past. You didn't come out because you weren't ready to. Yes, if you had your life would have been different, but think of all the positive things that happened that you might have missed out on instead. Now you're ready for it (or you wouldn't be posting here) and you can start the process. Mid-20s is a pretty common age to come out.

I'd recommend you start by registering an account here, being slightly less anonymous will make admitting it to people seem that little bit more real.

Rick_

Hi there OP. I know how you feel, I have been in the same position myself, feeling awkward around guys, not able to tell people about myself and constantly feeling alone and inexperienced and wondering if this is all I am going to get out of life, getting older and staying all by myself [I'm 24 now, soon to be 25]. I'm not camp and am not particularly fond of it either and I do not go on to the gay scene at all.

You say that you haven't told anyone about yourself but you have said it on here, so that's a start. You don't have to scream it from the rooftops but maybe looking into telling your closest friends and chatting with them face to face might make you feel better. You mentioned a golden opportunity you had to come out but didn't take it, what was it?

I have chatted to a few guys on here about their situations mostly which seem to be the same as yours. If you were registered on here we could PM about it as I have chatted to others in PM, including I.J. who posted above. Registering is free and you don't have to put any personal details, but it would enable us to chat more privately about it if you wished. Just an idea, but if not, that's cool.

Things aren't as bad as they seem, they only do because the thoughts are in your head and you are your own worst enemy. When you get talking about these things you will realise they aren't as bad as they seem and the situation is easily changed. Like I say, if you want to get in contact with me to talk in more detail, please feel free. If you don't want to register you should be able to find my e-mail address in my profile, you can contact me directly that way. Click on my username, go to View Profile and then click on Contact Info.

I.J. wrote: »

I am 25 also and while im in college reading your post is just like seeing a mirror image of myself. Im worried that I am going to end college not having done anything with my sexuality because I am here right now and still dont know where to turn or what to do because I have no interest in gay bars and dont really enjoy the "camp" world of gays which are all I see at college. I wish you had a registered name so I could PM you to talk about these things privately. I dunno if you've done this yet but talking with someone who understands the situation one to one really is so important. Thats what I have certainly found.

Hey IJ, how are you doing? Have you chatted to others apart from myself? Don't be afraid to PM me if you like!

Marshy

I second what previous posters have said. You're still very young at 25. There are many people in the same boat as you, who would rather be living openly now but haven't yet got to that stage. Time is on your side but that won't always be the case so its a question of deciding to act sooner rather than later. As others have said, talking to like-minded individuals is important and from that perhaps frienships will develop and in time maybe more.

You should consider yourself lucky in some ways. At least you've been given the opportunity to be open about your sexuality in a generally accepting society. I know that there are many people twice your age and more who wish they had that chance and are now married with families.

Reflector

Well what are you waiting for, should you wait until 30 to be cursing yourself or tomorrow go out and do something positive. There's a whole gay world out there for you to explore. If you want to meet people you need to make the effort.
If you fancy playing a bit of rugby with some gay guys we train on Tues and thurs. Nice bunch and room for complete beginners.
PM me.

youngblood

Hey unregistered,
You may as well have substituted my name in your story and it would have fitted perfectly.
I came out at 27. Old I know, but not old enough for me ever to regret it.
The numbness you described is what I felt, I felt as if part of myself was just dying on the inside, and it probably was to some extent as I never ever had nurtured that side of my life, I just sailed along oblivous to what I was feeling on the inside. That is not healthy-we all need to explore that part of our lives too to be healthy balanced people, and despite what people think/say, it is perfectly natural.

If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be posting on a gay forum to a guy in a similar situation,
I would 1) probably have hit you a box and
2) never ever believed it would happen.

You probably know yourself what you have to do-It does seem like the biggest thing in the world in your mind/head, and yes you've probably heard that before, but it is actually true.
The world does not end when you come out. It actually gets better, more than you can possibly imagine at the moment- and that is no Bull****e- I promise.
My job would not be very gay friendly, I dont look stereotypically gay, I dont sound gay, my hobbies do not include goin to the George, dressed in sparkles and dancing to Kylie (sorry Kylie lovers), bein gay is not like that, its very normal-It is normal!
I wrestlesd with the stereotypes for a long time, and they played a huge part in me delaying my comin out (dont wanna be a GAY etc), also the fear of rejection by family, friends etc. I worried needlessly about my family and friends, and you will find that out too.
Take baby steps, Its not easy, but you need to be your own man and honest with yourself, cos I know if I didnt I dont think I'd be around today.

As for the joining the rugby lads, thats been
on my list for far too long- 6ft, 14st, where do I sign up?!

Please feel free to PM me
if I can be of any help and remember
Your Sexuality doesnt define you-
You Define who you are.

Untense

Unregistered wrote: »

I am a 25 year old male. My life is in a complete mess. I don't know what to do anymore. I've reached the point of numbness towards people and emotions. I don't love or like anymore because of the danger involved. My life is one long boring repititive day full of regrets.

It's easy to think "if only..". It's very seductive to think back on those past events and let your imagination churn up endless possibilities. Try catch yourself next time you're doing it - It's funny when you catch it. You're there in the shower or whatever, completely oblivious to what's going on around you in that moment because you're in your head, getting completely depressed on daydreams. But you're there in the shower, thinking you're 'sorting stuff out' or 'making sense of things'. It's a complete illusion, really.

The real catch about regret; you miss the point of the wake-up call you're actually getting - If you were content with your life today, you would never find yourself daydreaming up the past and wishing things were different. This is the message we don't hear, we mistake the message as meaning we have somehow ****ed up in the past. It's not about the past.
The past is dead, you can only change your current situation today. We can easily miss the message and think that it's the past that was the problem, but that's just not the truth. If we don't realise this we get stuck in an endless cycle of regret and the irony is we stay stuck in the **** situation that's making us dissatisfied in the first place.
But it sounds like you're already starting to make small changes in your life.

Basically, I'm gay. I have never admitted to anyone.

That's changed by the fact of your posting here.

...time and time again when I meet people I don't ever consider that I might one day tell them.

Bet that's starting to change, too.

I've missed so much. And I know I should be looking forward and be optimistic about the future but I feel the best of me is gone, my best years are over and I denied myself something so fundemental and now i'm paying the price.

How can you know your best years are over? It hasn't even happened yet. By what criteria are you basing that on? By the sounds of it the last 7 years of your adult life haven't been that great for you in terms of contentment. The best years of your life are surely the ones you enjoy, no ? What can you do to make your present and future more enjoyable than your past has been ?

shay_562

Untense wrote:

How can you know your best years are over? It hasn't even happened yet. By what criteria are you basing that on? By the sounds of it the last 7 years of your adult life haven't been that great for you in terms of contentment. The best years of your life are surely the ones you enjoy, no ? What can you do to make your present and future more enjoyable than your past has been ?

Untense wins at logic. OP, 25 is still young. Very young. You've barely lived a quarter of your life, and of that, only a handful of years were years where you being out would actually have made any difference. If you're worried about being 30 and your life being stuck in the same place, then change something - scary though it must be at 25 to consider completely altering your life (and while it doesn't have to be in a bad way, the very act of coming out will change your life), you're clearly miserable with the way things are. What have you got to lose? (That's meant to sound positive and upbeat, by the way...)

Doop

Hi Op,

Everything everyones said so far is all very relevant and, im going to try not go over the same ground, but your 'situation' is excatly the same as myself (am 25) was starting to get down about the whole thing, went away travelling for a year and have a much better outlook on life now (am back home) I told one of my best mates, that im gay, and am so glad that i did, in the grand scheme of things it just wasnt a big deal for him. Is there a mate you could tell in confidence? you dont need to tell everyone in one go, or anything, lots of little steps are easier. Ive no immediate plans to tell other people, but just knowing that my mate knows makes me feel better, we dont even talk aboout it much cos it just aint an issue.

Ive met people online etc before but in general it can be an unfulling experience (i mean just hooking up to score).

Your 25 the best of years havent passed you by, your right in the middle of them!

What you did yesterday doesnt matter, what matters is what you do today and tomorrow...

Chin up buddy

Ever want to chat feel free to send us a pm.

BettePorter

Unregistered wrote: »

exhcanged texts, had emails etc. I've basically denied myself a whole side to life that most other people enjoy, or at least engage in. .

and here today you've changed that status. already you've had at least half a dozen (probably ) gay guys asking you to pm them. so let today be the first day of your actively gay life ! Just go with and take it from here, you won't be disapointed !

Reflector

youngblood wrote: »

As for the joining the rugby lads, thats been
on my list for far too long- 6ft, 14st, where do I sign up?!

There's a thread here in this forum and there is some details on ewrfc.ie and also a facebook page. We are always looking for new players and supporters. Even just join the facebook page and keep up to date and when you find the time we'll be ready for you.
Sorry to hijack this forum but I hop the OP doesn't mind and I hope that he finds what he is looking for.

Annasopra

I didn't come out til I was 23 - it's really not the end of the world that you haven't come out to other people

You have admitted to yourself that you are gay and this is in itself a huge step

You open by saying that life is passing you by?

Life can only pass you by if you let it - I think that you obviously want to change things in your life - you can do this if you really want to -

What are you looking for from life? friends? a partner?

Rick_

I wish the OP would come back and post, especially if he registered so he could make contact with people on here for his own sake.

"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

shoegirl

There are a lot of people who come out later in life - sometimes into their 40s, and often very much hurting other people - husbands, wives, children - who've effectively suffered as a result of people living a lie. And lets not pretend the straight partners of closet gays don't get hurt - they do and they get very much hurt by the changes that occur. So don't be so hard on yourself as you're not messing up other peoples lives in such an extreme way. And you're not messing up your own life really, you're just putting something on the long finger rather than dealing with it. The only person getting hurt by all of this is the OP.

Basically, being gay is a mixture of swings and roundabouts - I repeat the facetious comments often made about everybody being accepting - while the vast, vast majority of people are, there are a small few who are not. But you can't change them and not coming out doesn't do you any favours or help you in any way. That said also, I'm out 18 years and to this day I have to repeat the "coming out" process when meeting new people and making new friends. I have to go through this all the time still - but you know what, its not an issue - its just that I look very straight and people assume I am, its just correcting an assumption and I'm neither bothered by people assuming it nor do any of them ever react negatively.

What you really just need to think about is what you want. Is it just the odd bit of fun, one night stands, the occasional fling - or do you really want a full time, loving and committed relationship? That is the kind of thing you need to think about so you can start building your life around making that happen.

InTranceWeTrust

You need to a) stop feeling sorry for yourself and
b) take your finger out of your arse and start making changes to your life.

You said yourself you missed loads of opportunities. So what, thats in the past, you can't do anything about it now. College is a time for experimenting, but college is only a mindset. Come out. Be there gay guy who doesn't act overly gay. There are plenty of gay bars and gay dating sites for you to be able to experiment with your sexuality and maybe even find a relationship if thats what you're looking for. If you don't stop messing about you have nobody to blame only yourself!

gibson

You've been given a lot of advice here so forgive me if I repeat some of things already said. Im 25 and like yourself wouldnt be a stereotypical gay man at all. I only came out 2 years ago and i went through all of school and college denying who I was and usually didnt even go out much and just hid away from the world.

I can completely understand how you feel but please dont give up on yourself and think you cant change anything. Ive felt like you but one day just decided to hell with this if this is who i am so be it. Im not sure what made me decide this but ive never looked back and feel a lot more happier and content in myself. Im not trying to say if you come out you're life will suddenly change, im just saying you can change your life if you want to.

At the end of the day as harsh as it may sound, only you are going to be able to change this otherwise it sounds like your just going to keep being unhappy. If you dont want to go to gaybars you can always go on a dating site and be discreet about it. But as i said i know exactly how you feel and im not trying to say in anyway thats easy.

Best of luck anyway and hope it works out for you

shoegirl

gibson wrote: »

You've been given a lot of advice here so forgive me if I repeat some of things already said. Im 25 and like yourself wouldnt be a stereotypical gay man at all. I only came out 2 years ago and i went through all of school and college denying who I was and usually didnt even go out much and just hid away from the world.

I think there is a particular issue for people from as you nice put it non "stereotypical" backgrounds. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the images they see portrayed, even though they generally don't apply to a lot of gay men and women. Its particularly hard for women as we are constantly accused of being faghags or worse still assumed to be straight by more stereotypical gay women. A friend of mine got a lot of hassle a while ago in a Cork club because a bunch of very butch older women wouldn't believe she was gay because she wasn't butch and hard like them!

gibson

shoegirl wrote: »

I think there is a particular issue for people from as you nice put it non "stereotypical" backgrounds. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the images they see portrayed, even though they generally don't apply to a lot of gay men and women. Its particularly hard for women as we are constantly accused of being faghags or worse still assumed to be straight by more stereotypical gay women. A friend of mine got a lot of hassle a while ago in a Cork club because a bunch of very butch older women wouldn't believe she was gay because she wasn't butch and hard like them!

This is why I flippin hate stereotypes!! but i suppose its more straight people that increase these stereoptypes by thinking sure he cant be gay hes "got no signs" one of the things that was said to me! The other was you cant be gay you like football lol

Its bad enough with straight people giving out negative stereotypes in this way but even worse in your friends case that other gay women are projecting these stereotypes as well

sparkywolf

It's probably been said over and over already, but the more you hear it the better ingrained in your mind it will be.

I don't act gay at all, do all the things you'd expect a normal guy to do. love building ****, fixing ****, drinking so on and so forth. So there's nothing wrong with you at all, you just need someone to talk to and vent a bit. get your thoughts in order for yourself. no need to go rushing off to come out to be happy, take it a step at a time.

Get your head in order, try to accept yourself first then slowly try to make it a part of your life. the thing you don't seem to realise is that most people these days don't care if their friend is gay. Mine don't nor my family. The only person who can help you here is yourself, but it wont help putting pressure on either.

Just take it a step at a time.:D

shoegirl

gibson wrote: »

Its bad enough with straight people giving out negative stereotypes in this way but even worse in your friends case that other gay women are projecting these stereotypes as well

Yeah you would think that gay people would have more sense, but clearly not, I was kinda shocked myself, though I've come accross it a few times online etc. (People accusing me of being a "tranny" etc).

Actually my straight friends are quite funny about the whole thing. A lot of them almost apologised to me for assuming I was straight. I found that amusing, but it kinda showed really that they were sort of trained to expect certain things. Interesting though, that my straight friends were mostly so apologetic and embarassed at assuming I was straight, yet my mate had such aggression from butch dykes who thought she was a fag hag "invading" their "space."