First date

curious george.

Hey i cant make up my mind on this...

Went on a date with a fella yesterday, we went to a kind of show, but we paid seperatly in and then went for drinks after and he suggested we buy rounds. I had a good time on the date and we got on well. But my friends think this is really bad form, as he asked for my number and wanted to go on the date. They say the man should always pay on the first date but not after that.

I didnt think it was such a big deal before. But now i'm not sure as all my friends have always been paid for on dates and I don't know why i'm the only one who never has, (last two boyfriends didnt pay either). My friends think this means he only wants one thing and that he's a scab.

So what should I do? Not meet up with him again and give no reason. Or tell him what i'm thinking or just ignore it and go out again?

Thanks

Eve_Dublin

curious george. wrote: »

Hey i cant make up my mind on this...

Went on a date with a fella yesterday, we went to a kind of show, but we paid seperatly in and then went for drinks after and he suggested we buy rounds. I had a good time on the date and we got on well. But my friends think this is really bad form, as he asked for my number and wanted to go on the date. They say the man should always pay on the first date but not after that.

I didnt think it was such a big deal before. But now i'm not sure as all my friends have always been paid for on dates and I don't know why i'm the only one who never has, (last two boyfriends didnt pay either). My friends think this means he only wants one thing and that he's a scab.

So what should I do? Not meet up with him again and give no reason. Or tell him what i'm thinking or just ignore it and go out again?

Thanks

Why should the man pay on the first date? I'm all for a man being a gentleman but why should he be expected to pay for everything with a girl he barely knows? That's a little unfair in my opinion and a little dated.

Personally, I like to feel equal on a first date and that we're both on equal grounding. Paying for someone on a special occasion or as a treat when you're actually going out is okay by me...but I would never expect a virtual stranger to pay for my night out. This is not a feminist stance, this is just fair on both of you.

Jaysoose

Your friends think he is being a scab by paying his fair share?

Its obvious you shouldnt listen to these people for advice as they are deluded, if you had a good time then whats the problem.

muboop1

My friends think this means he only wants one thing and that he's a scab.

Your mates are tools...
Do they know this guy?
How do they know his intentions at all?
They are just being sexist tbh.
Guys should pay or they only want sex... whoever made up this needs a good hard 'oul Darwin award

So what should I do? Not meet up with him again and give no reason. Or tell him what i'm thinking or just ignore it and go out again?

Depends!
Did it actually bother you that much?
First date with my gf and we went halves, now i offered but she was having none of it!
To this day she tries to keep things even!

It can be polite of him to pay for things, and might even be seen as expected. But realistically it shouldn't be.

You don't know his financial situation, his manners, his past relationships! All experiences with girls might of led to this!

Another point, im going to assume he was drinking prob a pint? you prob a spirit and a mixer? (sorry if this is wrong, my own bit of sexism here)
Wouldn't your drink cost more?
By going halves he actually wasted more money then you!

Could of been as simple a ploy as to ensure you stay for a second drink?

I would of thought it normal to go halves tbh. Good if the guy offers, but not necessary!

After all, its deemed to be polite to offer, but doesn't that hark back to days when women didn't work etc? when men had to provide, so prob bought a drink to show this?

Different times...

/rant over

Look as for what to do now...

Do you like the guy?
Before your mates intervened what did you think of the date?
Did you actually think bad of him for not paying before your mates mentioned it?
Was he polite and mannerly with you?(in all other respects bar money)

If you were happy before your mates intervened simple, go for it!
If your mates tell you that you are mad, tell them you are a 21st century woman who doesn't need to rely on a man for material possessions. You can provide for yourselves and tell them to stop living in the stone age.

curious george.

hey thanks for replying.

Ye they think that if he didnt even offer then he must only be after sex because apparantly everyone knows that the man pays on the first date. That he has no respect for me. I would think that we should each have paid for ourselves into the show but it would be have been nice of him to buy a few drinks as he did suggest the date. Is that not the norm?

muboop1

curious george. wrote: »

hey thanks for replying.

Ye they think that if he didnt even offer then he must only be after sex because apparantly everyone knows that the man pays on the first date. That he has no respect for me. I would think that we should each have paid for ourselves into the show but it would be have been nice of him to buy a few drinks as he did suggest the date. Is that not the norm?

It was the norm 50 years ago!

When women had no rights etc...

Now a days... honestly? no!

I'd always offer to pay for things, but i'm impressed by girls who refuse the offer more tbh!

There is nothing more leechy to me then girls who expect boys to pay for everything.

I know a couple, and bar the fact that she earns nearly double his salary, he pays for everything for her.

Then she gives out to him for not having money to go on a holiday and he should of been saving like her etc??

Or what gets me is women in clubs who approach guys and actually ask guys to buy them drinks... fecking cheeky!

I honestly will pay for the world for my gf...
But only cos she doesn't expect it.
The day she does, is the day i stop trying to pay and tell her to cop on!

Fuhrer

curious george. wrote: »

hey thanks for replying.

Ye they think that if he didnt even offer then he must only be after sex because apparantly everyone knows that the man pays on the first date. That he has no respect for me. I would think that we should each have paid for ourselves into the show but it would be have been nice of him to buy a few drinks as he did suggest the date. Is that not the norm?

If he was buying you drinks that would make me think he was after sex more then if you bought your own

Porkpie

The fact that he didn't even offer to pay for the show is a bad sign IMO. Call me a traditionalist, but if it was me I definitely would have insisted on paying. It was him that asked you out, after all. I think it's fair enough to do rounds after, although I wouldn't actually suggest it. After the show I'd buy my date a drink, then the next one. I would expect that she buy at least one round though. If she didn't it would really put me off her. Is he only out for one thing? Not necessarily, although he does sound like he's tight with the money. Do you want to go out with a tightass?

curious george.

Well they dont know him they only seen him in the club that we met at. They had said before we went on the date that he should pay an if he doesnt then its a no-go. Because he had text me with the prices of the show!

I don't think it would have bothered me if nothing had been said, as like i said noone ever paid before. But then because a big deal was made of it, I was really concious of the fact that he didnt. I would never expect it after the first date anyway or if we ever got together.

I do know that he is on the dole, so obviously doesnt have much money either. He was drinking pints but then moved pubs and they only had pint bottles which ended up costing more than my drinks actualy!

I do like him and we had fun. I would like to see him again. But as i say they had already intervened before the date started. But he was polite yes.

But the fact that you say you would always offer - do you not think that he should have offered too?

Fuhrer

did you ask your friends for permission to make this thread as well?

LegacyUser

Nah I don't think he's being tight at all, just reasonable. Just because he's the guy doesn't mean he automatically has more money than you. I don't understand this standard of the man always being expected to fork out for a first date. My partner and I generally go 50/50 on things. Of course I treat him and he treats me but neither of us expect to be paid for and that's the main thing.

If he started whipping out the calculator every time ye went out then I'd think he's a bit on the stingey side but for the moment I'd say give him a chance.

I think men are right to set a 50/50 precident as many women (not saying you by any means OP) with an old fashioned view of dating will allow the poor sod to keep on paying for everything.

Don't worry about the money end of things, and don't listen to your friends and their expectations. If you like him, see him again, if not don't. Just don't let mates colour your decision.

curious george.

I probably should have...:(

Fuhrer

It would seem so

doctor_gonzo

curious george. wrote: »

I do know that he is on the dole, so obviously doesnt have much money either.

Ahh the poor lad's on the dole!! OP have you ever been on really tight funds? It's really tricky trying to balance the essentials and socialise, I defo wouldn't expect him to offer under those circumstances.

The main thing is that he paid his share, he was polite and nice and ye got on well. Feck what your friends think!!;)

muboop1

Here look, apologies for coming across so harsh. I just think ti rediculous that your mates could dictate anything to you to do with your love life with a guy they don't know.

Take everything they said with a grain of salt.

That you came here means either you don't want to agree with them or you want guilt alleviated??

curious george. wrote: »

- do you not think that he should have offered too?

Yes and no...
It depends on the plans tbh!
If i was just taking a girl to the cinema yes, as thats only like a tenner or 20 with food.

If the plan was for drinks after... its a hard one...
As you said he was on the dole...
He might not be able to afford to pay for you!
200 a week isn't a lot if you have rent or whatever.
think of it this way, if he paid for everythign this one date might cost him a lot
2 tickets approx 20
popcorn n stuff maybe 10+?
Round of drinks, about a 10-14 if singles spirit drinks and pint/bottles.

See... with cinema and just one drink each he has lost a quater(50+, max dole is 206 a week i believe?) of his money for the week! thats a lot to spend... especially on a girl he doesn't know!

On the other hand maybe he is cheap?
I don't know!
All i'd say is don't dismiss someone who wanted you to pay your equal share!

If you like him give it a go, have another date or two. Get to now him before jumping to any conclusions!

Might be you aren't suited anyway!
Might be you are perfect and have no qualms paying your own way.

For the record, its polite for a guy to offer, and can be seen as rude for him not to...
But I also think its polite for a girl to politely refuse, or accept with thanks.
For a girl to expect it... that i also think can be rude (they can hope do )

Oh and the texting you telling you the prices, maybe he is cheap... might just be living on the breadline while looking for work!

As i said, have a date or two with him see what happens!

Lux23

doctor_gonzo wrote: »

Ahh the poor lad's on the dole!! OP have you ever been on really tight funds? It's really tricky trying to balance the essentials and socialise, I defo wouldn't expect him to offer under those circumstances.

The main thing is that he paid his share, he was polite and nice and ye got on well. Feck what your friends think!!;)

I totally agree. If he is on the dole then any of those dumb rules go completely out the window. Forget what your friends they sound like a bunch of tools who probably wouldn't know what to do with a nice guy if they met one.

Eve_Dublin

The thing that annoys me most about reading your post was how discouraging your friends were about your first date with a guy you like. They don't have your best interests at heart here, OP, for whatever reason (jealousy? Looking down their noses at someone on the dole? Who knows...). It takes the fun out of it all when your friends come out with crap like this...you shouldn't be sitting here the day after a successful date wondering if she should have paid or not...you should be floating on cloud nine.

Don't listen to your friends...you're a big girl, make your own mind about this fella and ENJOY yourself....this is the fun bit of "dating".

curious george.

Ok thanks everyone. I will give it another try and see how it goes. Hopefully he's not cheap and just wanted to be fair. The replies really helped.

P.S. Mnboop1 I didnt think you were being harsh!

Monkey61

Sorry for the harshness Op, but your friends are idiots and sound like they haven't a brain cell to rub between them. Suggesting you dump someone you like because he didn't pay for all your drinks? I'm so enraged by that I don't know where to start.

The guy is on the dole. Realistically he probably can't really afford to be paying for shows and drinks for himself, and you wonder if he should have paid for them for you as well? Lord.

Personally I would find something a bit creepy about going to the pub with someone and having them buy all of my drinks. It would leave me wondering if they either had some terrible personality flaw or just a terrible lack of confidence in themselves if they felt they had to shower me with money to get me to like them. This guy doesn't know you at all. Why would he spend a weeks dole money pouring booze down your throat. I'd always be of the opinion that people should pay their way on a first date, unless one person earns vastly more than the other and wants to take the poorer person somewhere that they really couldn't afford - but even then I'd think that they really should be going somewhere that everyone can afford. I think later on in relationships is when people can be paying for their partners as a nice gesture from time to time.

Should you go out with him again? For your sake probably yes if you enjoyed his company and want to see him again. For his sake, probably not, because if you are that easily swayed by your friends and can't form a decent and rational opinion of your own then I fear for what influence they might have later on in the relationship and what else they might encourage you to get upset with him for.

curious george.

"Should you go out with him again? For your sake probably yes if you enjoyed his company and want to see him again. For his sake, probably not, because if you are that easily swayed by your friends and can't form a decent and rational opinion of your own then I fear for what influence they might have later on in the relationship and what else they might encourage you to get upset with him for." [/quote]

This is a good point...I am easily swayed. But I find it hard not to be. I will have to work on listening to my own opinion from now on. I just never trust my own opinion and think other people will know better

Lady Muck

Although it is nice to feel looked after and be treated, it shouldn't be expected for men to pay for everything, it is a very old fashioned view. Women want to be seen as equal these days so they have to deal with being equal.

Your friends sound shallow and dumb. Don't lose a nice guy because of them. Could they be jealous and are trying to spoil things for you?

curious george.

well it is possible they wud be jealous, although there would be no reason for this as they have boyfriends of their own. But I am told they are just trying to make sure I dont get treated badly.

Lady Muck

Some women get treated far worse than having to pay for their own drinks.

Just because they have boyfriends, doesn't mean they are happy, let's face it - men usually bring misery to our lives anyway!

Just kidding, if you like him ignore what they say, it is your love life.

curious george.

Ye i will thanks for advice

Eve_Dublin

curious george. wrote: »

well it is possible they wud be jealous, although there would be no reason for this as they have boyfriends of their own. But I am told they are just trying to make sure I dont get treated badly.

Sounds like he treated you as an equal.

LegacyUser

Lady Muck wrote: »

Some women get treated far worse than having to pay for their own drinks.

Damn right.

Your friend's aren't looking out for you, they are interfering because their relationships are probably stale and they are jealous.

I would feel rude making a man pay for me all night. Especially if the poor dude is claiming benefits. I think to take you to a show is nice and thoughtful of him, your friends are definately showing signs of jealousy. Enjoy your new man!

shellyboo

How old are you, OP? Young, it seems.

At my age (25), and the age of men I date (eh... older than 25!) I would sort of expect to be paid for, yeah. Very bad of me, but I think it's nice and I appreciate it. I wouldn't let a guy pay for everything all the time, but on a first date... I'd be a little put out if the guy didn't offer to pay. It wouldn't put me off him though!

But this situation is different... he's on the dole! You're lucky he had enough money to go out AT ALL in the first place! If I was in that situation, I'd probably treat the poor guy myself.

Oh, and also - stop listening to your friends, they sound like the type of women that men HATE. Needy and headwrecking and expecting to be treated like princesses.

Greyfox

curious george. wrote: »

hey thanks for replying.

because apparantly everyone knows that the man pays on the first date

This is completely untrue and your friends are out of line, the vasy majority of women expect to go halves and are happy with this on a first date and I'd find it a huge turn off if I dated a girl who didn't agree

puglover

TBh on the first date if the guy asked you out, I think he should pay. Maybe not for drinks all night but it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to pay at least for the entrance.

However, he is on the dole so i'd tend to say give him a bit of a break and don't mind your friends.

curious george.

shellyboo wrote: »

But this situation is different... he's on the dole! You're lucky he had enough money to go out AT ALL in the first place! If I was in that situation, I'd probably treat the poor guy myself.

Well he is on the dole but he lives at home rent free with no bills or anything so actualy has more money than me even though i work as I pay rent, bills etc

cruizer101

Personally for a first date situation if I asked to go on the date I would probably offer to pay for it, but at the same time I see nothing stingy about not paying for it.

There is definitly no obligation to pay just for being a lad, maybe some small obligation on the person who asked for the date but nothing set in stone.

If your friends asked a lad on a date would they pay for it or expect to go halfs.

Anyway at the end of the day if you like the lad that is all that matters.

Plus if he had paid you might feel you owe him and would have to pay next time around. This way you know it 50/50 from now on.

Best of luck with it anyway, hope it goes well.

petethebrick

I was on a first date recently. I paid for two rounds of drink, then paid her into a club and then bought another round. She didn't offer to buy a round after that so I made my excuses and left. Have no time for scabby women like that. I don't like being miserable and splitting costs either though. I think the best way is to take turns paying for stuff. On a first date I'm prepared to shoulder a bit more of the burden but not to act like a sugar daddy paying for every single thing.
OP - if you like the guy meet him again.
Who cares what your friends think????
They sound like the sort of girls I'd avoid to be honest.

Princess Leia

Now I am probably in an older and more monied age group than you so most of the men I have been out with have good incomes..however I went out with someone who was only on a disability allowance and HE paid for the drinks, he insisted on it!
Now of course I refused his kind offer , paid my own way . What we did was other things, things that don't involve buckets of cash..like cook a nice meal, watch a DVD etc
OP I think if he was on a limited budget he could have been straight up and planned something less expensive like a trip to the beach, a nice walk...
I realise a young guy might like to go into clubs, pubs etc but if he hasn't got much money then he should have had the cop on to say that he would like to treat you but can't etc.....instead you're now wondering if he's a tightwad.
I would not expect a guy to pay for me on the 2nd, 3rd dates etc, and on a 1st date I always pay for something(and most of the time it is refused) but the bulk of the date they pay for. Most dating books tell you "if he asked you, he pays".
I know I will get slated for it but that's my 2 cents worth.
If he can't pay for 1st date he should have had the maturity to plan a less expensive date.

Elbi

Ok i dont think men SHOULD be the ones to pay but it would hae been nice if he didm, he asked you on the date and so on she therefore in my books he should have paid,
if i was asked on a date nad he didnt pay or offer to pay i would be reluctant to see him again and i dont know why i feel that way but if on a date he paid then i would most certainly pay the next time we went out. So im not being mean and expceting them to pay i just think its nice to be treated and then treat back,

as for going on rounds, well that should be expected first date or not!

dblennon

I think this situation comes down to the dole aspect,

I would be of the belief that any and all first date situations men should offer to pay/insist.

but if you can't actually afford to do this then there is no point in b*llsh*ttn about going dutch.

mood

Ok, I've only read the first page but your friends are being stupid.

1. The guy is out of work therefore scraping by.

2. Why would him not pay mean he is only after sex??? Totally stupid conclusion IMO.

If you do end up going out with him you will have to understand that until he get a job funds will be tight so he might not be able to go out as often as he would like but that won't stop you having nights in.

Eve_Dublin

Really...am I missing something here? Do some people REALLY expect the fella to pay for the first date in 2009?? Why? I don't get it? I'm not feigning naivety here but if I'm earning and he's earning (and in this case he's NOT earning), is it not fairer to pay your own way? At least 'till you see if this develops into something more. I'm not saying down to the very last penny, just take turns. I would honestly feel less of an individual to be taken seriously if I sat back and let my date pay for everything. I like little things like the guy opening the door for me, telling me I look nice etc...I'm not THAT much of a hard ass that I'd find this offensive (I wouldn't find a man who offered to pay for everything on a first date offensive either) but when it comes to money...money hold power in our society...I wouldn't feel comfortable and I wouldn't feel it was right.

PK2008

The person who asked the other person out should pay (generally thats going to be the man).

After the first date things change

OP, ignore your friends. If you had a good time and like the guy then you should see him again. Don't take this the wrong way but if you allow your friends to dictate your love life as they seem to do then you may find yourself very lonely later in life.

Chucky the tree

curious george. wrote: »

My friends think this means he only wants one thing and that he's a scab.

As a bloke I'm far more likely to pay on first date if all I want is sex and I'd say most blokes would be the same.

Fuhrer

So, there he is taking my hard earned tax money through his dole and hes out drinking and dating strange bizarre women?


Ill have none of it!

The Recliner

Fuhrer wrote: »

So, there he is taking my hard earned tax money through his dole and hes out drinking and dating strange bizarre women?


Ill have none of it!

Fuhrer that post adds nothing helpful

Please take time to read the charter and think carefully before posting again

bSlick

So your reasoning that he doesn't pay for you is that he's after sex. Thats some logic. News flash, every single guy you date is after sex, why else would they be on a date with you?

There is no way in hell I would pay for everything if I was out on a date. It would be split down the middle, and if the girl had a problem with it she can piss off as it is sure sign of a materialistic money grabbing bitch if she thinks she shouldn't have to pay for herself.

Emme

What's the big deal? I thought going halves on a date was the norm nowadays. If the guy isn't working surely he shouldn't be expected to pay for a first date!

I'm in my late 30s and guys my age group automatically expect women to go halves. Men tend to get warier as they get older and weed out gold-diggers by insisting on going halves. I ALWAYS offer to go halves on a date, sometimes guys insist on paying, more times they don't.

CuriousGeorge, go out with the guy again, see if you like him and don't mind your friends. If you ask me, the guy who buys you a drink in a nightclub when you've first met him expects sex, not somebody you go halves with on a date!