What's going on here?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm one of the regulars on here but going unreg for this one. Sorry, it's a long one too.

Several years back I bumped into an old college friend who I fell for instantly. There was never anything there during our college days, it's just one of those things. Now, I'm pretty shy when it comes to getting out and doing anything about something like this and I was kind of unsure about the whole thing because she was recently out of an LTR as well. Anyway patheticaly it took about 3 years for me to say anything and, when I did, I think I caught her off guard and she was a bit surprised, and just said No.

We never really got to talk about it again because that's not her style even though I wouldn't have minded talking things out a bit. After that though we continued on as very good friends That didn't make what I felt go away because I really didn't have the chance to talk to her and get it out of my system so to speak. I did try to distance myself a bit but I do think she likes attention and would always ask for advice off me with any of her latest crises!

Roll on several years to an evening when we were out and ended up on a nightclub where I came back after a trip to the bar to see her snogging someone. Now it was a typical drunken night club scene but I was surprised by how much it hurt me. I really thought I was more over her. The following day she wasn't willing to really talk to me in the usual way, not take calls or anything but we had a few texts about trivial things. I think she knew I'd probably try to see how he felt again, and she was right because I decided I should take a chance a few days later, but she just sidestepped the issue again and said she wasn't free anytime in the medium term.

Now I used that as a lesson and have very much made a point of moving on. In a good way it pulled the wool from my eyes. I see her rather differently now and am more aware that the attention suits her so it's probably hard for her too to let go fo it a bit. But I thik she was quite unfair all along in the way she acted.

I'm wondering though if I'm mad because while I'm doing mostly fine, we still get on like a hosue on fire and while I couldn't really cut her out of my life, I'm afraid of slipping back intot he old ways again. I need to get out and find someone new for a start. Just sometimes the old attraction flares up but I knew what's what now but I'm scared of falling back in spite of myself. What do you all think? Am I an idiot and fooling myself or can this work? I must say that I'm pretty resolved that nothing will happen now. I've had enough of all that and just want to do the friends thing. Just afraid I'm kidding myself.

Monkey61

To be fair to the girl OP, she had no interest in you and she told you so. But she clearly valued your friendship and wanted that. It is a bit unfair to say that she "liked the attention" or to imply that she lead you on in any way, because nothing in your post suggests that. She asks for advice from you because you are her friend. That is normal friend behaviour.

She was clearly surprised and possibly embarrassed when you asked her out. It is not up to her to talk it through with you so that you can get closure or whatever. More than likely that would have been awkward and weird for her if she had no feelings for you and it came out of the blue. She said no. That is all the closure you need.

How did she act that was unfair? Did she promise you anything? Was she kissing you or behaving in any way towards you that suggested that she might want more?

Of course nothing will happen and of course you are kidding yourself. She has not given the slightest hint that there is anything there other than friendship. From all you have said, she sounds like a genuine enough girl who values your friendship and tried to carry on having that friendship despite you asking her out, which shows that she does care about you as a friend. Many others would have cut you out of their lives, but she didn't, although to be honest she probably should have as you are refusing to listen to her words and actions when she said she wasn't interested.

I'd say stop hanging out with her. If you cannot accept that it is never going to happen you are only going to torture yourself and you are not capable of being a friend to the girl if you have ulterior motives.

LegacyUser

Thanks! Yeah, I was kind of venting to be honest. I think I was afraid of falling off the wagon or something or doubting myself. The friendship is far too good to screw up. I don't think my original post came across too well but it doesn't matter. Sometimes you need to get something out there! As is I wouldn't be interested in anything more than the friendship now. Maybe it's like a recovering alcoholic being able to be sure he can hang around a bottle of open whiskey without wolfing it down

prinz

What Monkey61 said. You kind of got yourself into the situation. Your friend is under no obligation to indugle, encourage, accomodate or return any interest in you beyond what she's comfortable with. I don't see how she's been unfair or tbh anything but clear on where she stands.