bit of advice please!!

LegacyUser

hi guys i've been with my BF for 2 yrs now, he's Polish & been living here 6 years... since i've known him he's always said his long-term plan was to go back to live in Poland, which i understood perfectly...
i didn't want a relationship with him initially, he did the chasing but now i'm head over heels in love with him, we've moved in together, went through a miscarriage... and am starting to get a little freaked out!
i've heard him say to his friends a few times now and quite a lot lately that all it would take was to lose his job and he's going back to Poland for good.. when i ask him about it he denies it & says i'm thinking too much and that he's not thinking about the future now.. we're not kids either, i'm 28, he's 30..
only when he's drunk does he talk about the future and that he doesn't want to leave me and blablabla, but next morning he can never remember anything he's said...
i'm starting to feel like i'm just someone to keep him company while he's here and until he makes his mind up to go back to Poland and settle down with someone else... i'm trying not to generalise here but i know a lot of Polish guys that have done this...
Anyone else in this situation? or any opinions welcome...
i'm confused, i don't want to lose him but the longer i let it go on the more i'll get hurt in the end..
thanks

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

when he's drunk does he talk about the future and that he doesn't want to leave me and blablabla, but next morning he can never remember anything he's said...

Why did you move in with him without discussing this issue??

The above is a cop out... Im sorry to say, it sounds like he does know what he wants and he is telling his friends but keeping you sweet til the time comes to move on.... Would you live over there? Have you started learning Polish? Time to do something rather than sit back and let him decide your fate.

jmbkay

It doesnt look like theres much going for the two of you. He seems to be putting in time with you. Dont let him. Step back a bit and see how he reacts. Good luck.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.
I regret to say that I believe you are right.

I know quite a few Polish people, here and in Poland and the guys are very chauvinistic...

If you stay with him then realise what you are up against. He is just passing the time.....


All the best

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Yes he was very chauvinistic at the start, always trying to change me into the "perfect woman" ie. if i didn't look my best at all times it got pointed out blatantly that i haven't got my hair/makeup done... or if i have a lie-in past 10am on my 1 day off i'm lazy and why aren't i cleaning the house?!?! he's kind of stopped doing that now but only after many rows with me telling him to come out of the stone-age.
In other ways he's very good to me, kind, caring, always doing the little important things he knows make me happy.
But anytime i try to have a serious conversation with him i'm "thinking too much" and he acts like i'm nagging him...
in previous long term relationships i've always been the opposite to what i am now, never thought about the future, always wanted independence to do my own thing within the relationship and happy to go with the flow and hated being nagged about anything...
Maybe my age is making me think differently and the fact that we had an unplanned pregnancy even tho i lost the baby after 4 months...
i think, after looking at all the little things it's probably true that he's just using me to pass the time.. All the Polish people i know are in relationships and/or seem to have a phobia about being single for more than a month at a time.
AAhhhhh my head is now officially wrecked! I don't understand how he can keep trying to fob me off just so he can have a girlfriend and sex-on-tap until he finally decides to leave.

jmbkay

He is doing your head in.

OS119

unreg/anon wrote: »

.
AAhhhhh my head is now officially wrecked! I don't understand how he can keep trying to fob me off just so he can have a girlfriend and sex-on-tap until he finally decides to leave.

there's you're problem, you're not thinking like an uncommitted bloke.

you clean house, you give sex on tap, you respond to "you're looking a right state, get some make-up on", you ignore all the evidence which suggests that he's using you as a place to live with benefits, and will then drop like a scalding turd when its time to back home, and somehow you wonder why he's not being open with you in the way he's being open with his friends?

while trying very hard not to be horrible, the phrase 'booty call with hot dinners' springs to mind.

sorry, but you're being conned.

LegacyUser

OP here.
to be fair to him, as far as cooking goes, he does almost 90% of it and it's got nothing to do with money as he's not mean in that way... he has paid for a holiday for us as a surprise for me and it wasn't cheap.
Either i'm being very naive (and i'm not usually) or he's just a really really good actor.
i did try to end it a few weeks ago and he started crying and begging me to stay, that he loves me etc. etc.
He's now talking about taking me to Poland to meet the folks but again afterwards i caught him telling his friend that he can't wait to go home and the only thing keeping him is that he earns really good money in the job he has here and he wouldn't even earn a 1/4 of that in Poland...
No mention of me at all. he's like Jekyll and Hyde!
i'm sorry for the rant but OS119 from an uncommitted male point of view... do you think that most of it is the fact that if i dumped him then he'd have to go to all the bother of finding another girl, not having sex straight away until he gets to know her etc.etc. that it's just easier to have me there to save him having to do all that??

jmbkay

He sounds like Jekyll and Hyde all right. Too much hard work. Even if he is sincere about your relationship, its irritating that he tells his friends otherwise.

OS119

unreg/anon wrote: »

i'm sorry for the rant but OS119 from an uncommitted male point of view... do you think that most of it is the fact that if i dumped him then he'd have to go to all the bother of finding another girl, not having sex straight away until he gets to know her etc.etc. that it's just easier to have me there to save him having to do all that??

Absolutely - and its not just him - read through a few pages of the relationship forum and you'll see countless "should i stay with my alcoholic/crackhead/wife-beating/stealing/cheating/pig-ignorant/pig-ugly/possessive/controlling/bullying partner" threads. its astonishing what people will put up with to avoid the hassle of breaking up and the initial loneliness of being single.

frightening actually.

VaioCruiser

OS119 wrote: »

Absolutely - and its not just him - read through a few pages of the relationship forum and you'll see countless "should i stay with my alcoholic/crackhead/wife-beating/stealing/cheating/pig-ignorant/pig-ugly/possessive/controlling/bullying partner" threads. its astonishing what people will put up with to avoid the hassle of breaking up and the initial loneliness of being single.

frightening actually.

100% right on the money.