cant figure out what it is

LegacyUser

im female in my mid-twenties and am beginning to wonder why i have zero luck with men...(hmm another topic about the men folk...sorry!).

Over the years I have had my fair few drunken kisses in night clubs etc and have had one or two minor flings that always just fizzle out but I have never been fancied by a guy, chatted up, asked out. I have always been the one to instigate hook ups and dates etc and drunken meaningless night club situations just happen!

I have had my number asked for by guys (only ever randomers) which have never come to anything...fair enough. But everyone tells me I will meet a guy through friends or hobbies etc.....yet this has never happened! my friends have no problem meeting, being approached by men and always have our male friends lusting after them.

I have lots of friends and am quite happy chatting away to people. My friends tell me Im nice, have a good sense of humour and am interesting I dont think I am a troll- im 5ft 10, size 14- im always complemented on my legs or boobs. my friends and family tell me im pretty (thanks mum!) yet I am always overlooked by men and just end up in the friend zone.

I am not desperatly seeking a boyfriend, not trying to hook up with any guy that looks my way (which is rare!) but I am beginning to wonder if I am a complete undesirable. It's beginning to affect my confidence...which i know is a huge part of attraction!

Sorry if this comes across as completely trivial, I know there are people out there with real issues but any insights or advice would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Im sorry but I think its your height, which is a major pain in the a$$ as its nothing you can change.
I notice Irish men almost always go for more petite girls. I think it may be the smaller girls make them feel more macho or whatever.
My friend is 6 foot + (girl) and never got a look in over here -I mean nada, nothing -not a kiss, phone number or anything. Eventually went to live Germany and met someone there.
Even taller men over here don't necessarily go for taller girls either, you will often see them with smaller women too.

Its so unfair I know.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Im sorry but I think its your height, which is a major pain in the a$$ as its nothing you can change.
I notice Irish men almost always go for more petite girls. I think it may be the smaller girls make them feel more macho or whatever.
My friend is 6 foot + (girl) and never got a look in over here -I mean nada, nothing -not a kiss, phone number or anything. Eventually went to live Germany and met someone there.
Even taller men over here don't necessarily go for taller girls either, you will often see them with smaller women too.

Its so unfair I know.

Actually a very good point but 5' 10" isnt freakishly tall either. Its a nice height. Don't give up, there's lads out there that like tall women. I'm one of them

LegacyUser

This is not addressed to the OP in this case here but I didn't really want to start a thread on this off shoot of a topic.

We've all read many threads on this forum from self described ordinary decent men and women bewildered as to why for a multitude of unfathomable reasons they cannot seem to attract partners. Heck, I should know, I'm one of them!
The advice is invariably don't give up, keep looking, find a hobby, etc and you'll eventually meet the person for you. Not once have I heard the opinion that love, partnership, marriage etc is not for you because basically you're not love, partnership, marriage material. Surely there is such a category. And if we're being honest, a percentage of us will fit in to that category.

G86

Unregistered wrote: »

Im sorry but I think its your height, which is a major pain in the a$$ as its nothing you can change.
I notice Irish men almost always go for more petite girls. I think it may be the smaller girls make them feel more macho or whatever.
My friend is 6 foot + (girl) and never got a look in over here -I mean nada, nothing -not a kiss, phone number or anything. Eventually went to live Germany and met someone there.
Even taller men over here don't necessarily go for taller girls either, you will often see them with smaller women too.

Its so unfair I know.

I don't think this is the issue to be honest, I mean I'm 5'10' and I've never met any guy who thought I was 'too tall', although I admit I wouldn't date anyone below 5'9' really. 5'10' is hardly giant status though

OP, I know it can get frustrating meeting guys and thinking it's going somewhere only for it to fall through..but I don't think you should be looking to yourself as the problem, it's just a game of chance. Maybe you just need to be straight up with guys you meet, I mean I'm as straight up as they get, if I like someone then I tell them I want to see them again and if they say no then grand, I move on. If you hook up with someone in a night club make it clear you're not after a one night thing, if they're just after sex then you;ll scare them off..but sure isn't that what you want. The guys who are genuinely interested will stick around. There's no point wasting time on messers who don't know what they want.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

This is not addressed to the OP in this case here but I didn't really want to start a thread on this off shoot of a topic.

We've all read many threads on this forum from self described ordinary decent men and women bewildered as to why for a multitude of unfathomable reasons they cannot seem to attract partners. Heck, I should know, I'm one of them!
The advice is invariably don't give up, keep looking, find a hobby, etc and you'll eventually meet the person for you. Not once have I heard the opinion that love, partnership, marriage etc is not for you because basically you're not love, partnership, marriage material. Surely there is such a category. And if we're being honest, a percentage of us will fit in to that category.

Well actually no. I do not in any shape or form believe this is a category whatsoever.
Having been a slow start I know from experience.

Everyone is relationship material and love material. We all need love and we are all lovable. I promise you.

All the best

muboop1

Wagon wrote: »

Actually a very good point but 5' 10" isnt freakishly tall either. Its a nice height. Don't give up, there's lads out there that like tall women. I'm one of them

ex was that height... she was awesomely pretty!
Got loads of lads...
Height suited her!
Just don't wear massive heels on a night out! :pac:

Could you be giving off a "taken" vibe or not interested?

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

This is such a difficult issue. Because it is painful for you, but so complex is trying to figure out the root cause of the problem.

It is clear you are not an unattractive girl. It is clear you are intelligent and well spoken. So there is absolutely NO WAY that there is anything unappealing or unattractive about you. This thing about being 5'10'' ... this is most certainly NOT a major problem. Lost of guys love tall girls. I have always found tall girls enormously attractive (excuse the pun).

So the problem here must be in either one of three places.

a) Places you go to meet guys.
You don't mention the places you go. Only that your friends have no trouble. Well you have to remember that everyone is different. What suits others might not suit you. The wider the range of social events you go to the better chance you have of meeting someone.

b) Your vibes.
Not everyone is born with natural communication skills especially as regards flirting and body language are concerned.
I was was one of those born without and it took me a LONG time to learn.
I suspect that this may be the core issue that is causing the problem. Also ... you may not have an 'approachable' demeanor without realising it. You may not give off the best signals. These can be fixed

c) The guys you like.
This is another possibility. You may be only looking for a specific kind of guy ? and it may be the kind of guy that is not matched to your demeanor.... I know that may seem humourous... but it happens...

So please tell us more about some of these issues ok ?

All the best.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

Surely there is such a category. And if we're being honest, a percentage of us will fit in to that category.

Not at all.. Thats just rubbish - sure even Freddie West and Brian Cowan found romantic love...

A self defeatist attitude like that will bring you defeat..

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for the kind words of wisdom! It's nice to have people take what I say seriously for once---my friends and family are always telling me not to be so stupid when i wonder why no one fancies me! its great to hear objective viewpoints.

I suppose I only really socialise in the pub and club scene, nights out with the gang, going to places like the Village, Doyles, South William etc. We do other stuff the odd time too like surfing and camping weekends, as well as paintballing and go karting with pints afterwards!

I know the best place to meet an other half isnt in pubs or clubs...but like I mentioned before, this hasnt been the case for my friends!

My other hobbies include horse riding and creative writing classes where i have made acquaintances but we dont meet up out of hours (as it were). Have a good group of friends from work, and a good group of acquaintances from college as well so it isnt like im just going out with the same group and not meeting new people either.

As for my vibes, I am very easy to get on with and chatty to everyone. I have no problem making male and female friends. My friends think i am an incorrigible flirt and I love having a banter with guys but at the end of the day they end up asking my friend out and its evident i am just the wing woman! I dont like playing games with people.
i remember once, when i was about 17, a guy who was chatting up my friend asked her if i was the 'regulation ugly friend' or something to that effect. maybe that's still haunting me.


As for guys that I am attracted to, i dont really have a certain type, generally as long as they are as tall as me or taller, dont take themselves too seriously and have a little quirk of some description, I am a smitten kitten!

Eve_Dublin

SarahSassy wrote: »

Not at all.. Thats just rubbish - sure even Freddie West and Brian Cowan found romantic love...

A self defeatist attitude like that will bring you defeat..

Brilliant!! "Even Brian Cowan found romantic love..."...that says it all, really.

However, I don't think you sound self-defeatist, OP. You sound like you quite like yourself, which is half the battle but it does sound like you've resigned yourself to the fact that your "friends" (everyone of them except you) gets the guys and you don't. This maybe is the case but do you think that perhaps you subconsciously step back or take the role as the "wing-woman" when guys approach you because in your head, that's always been your role? You say you're the flirt but perhaps it's a case of being so friendly where you step into "just friends" territory for men. This has been the case for me in the past...I'd presume guys didn't fancy me and fancied my mates so I'd be friendly but left out the flirting without realising, even if I was interested. I'd take on the role as the "wing-woman" even if I didn't want to.

Not sure how you go about changing that...if you think you're desirable to men, you WILL be desirable. Perhaps you need to get the balance between being friendly AND being flirty. Not sure how you go about that though...

muboop1

Can i ask, you said you like the banter with the lads...

Is it possible you are coming across as one of the lads??

The girls mite not even notice this.

I used to have a girl mate like this and she would be middle of everything.

And tbh i could never see what she done diff to the rest of the girls...

But it was different!

Eve_Dublin

muboop1 wrote: »

Can i ask, you said you like the banter with the lads...

Is it possible you are coming across as one of the lads??

The girls mite not even notice this.

I used to have a girl mate like this and she would be middle of everything.

And tbh i could never see what she done diff to the rest of the girls...

But it was different!

Yes!! This is what I mean!!

LegacyUser

Funny thing I notice is that it is often the really ugly girls with little or no education that seem to get the boy. Is it that they set their sights a little bit lower. A lot of really pretty nice girls unfortunately give off "your must be joking" vibes to blokes. Because us men have been knocked back sooooooo many times and humiliated by women, we can't be bothered any more. OP why not whisper in some guys ear that you are attracted to him and would love to go out with him for a while, your chances of success are almost guaranteed.You sound a nice decent respectable girl. Don't ever get the impression that guy's only fancy tarts, they might want to sc*** them, but will never bring them home to meet the parents or be a long term prospect.
Good Luck OP I hope you get to meet some decent kind man , you deserve it.

LegacyUser

Socialise away from your female friends.

You may be subconsciously taking the wing woman role and this could be your problem. My more attractive and gregarious best friend (who I love to bits) emigrated last year and since she's gone I've had to be more proactive with my social life. I used to just follow her around and let her take the initiative. I expected men to be attracted to her before me and it was a self fulfilling prophecy to an extent. Now I dont really have any close female friends, more acquaintances that I socialise with, and they're very different to me.

I get asked out lots now. I'm still single but not invisible anymore apparently.

LegacyUser

again thanks for the help everyone!

I was thinking about everyone's comments last night and this morning and am taking on 'board' what everyone is saying. The 'being seen as one of the lads' theory is definately one to think about but as eve_dublin(i think) mention, how does one change being seen that way??

I am not a complete tomboy or girlie girl, definately a mix of the two. I thought I was just being myself, but maybe I am acting more laddish around the guys as I just expect them not to fancy me, so I dont even try to get them to see me that way?

Have had a fair few rejections in my time, often being told that im a lovely girl etc...but they "just dont 'see' me that way". Maybe I am afraid of rejection so im just not putting myself out there even though I like to think that i am?

I know meeting people is just a game of chance, but surely with regards to all the men ive met I am the common denominator so it must be something I am doing/not doing that still has me single?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I thought I was just being myself, but maybe I am acting more laddish around the guys as I just expect them not to fancy me, so I dont even try to get them to see me that way?

Thats your problem right there.

LegacyUser

reading this is like reading about myself!! I'm the same height, interests in horses and creative writing, lack of success with guys, playing the "wing" friend...the similarities are almost freaky

a lot of food for thought in those responses though - my best friend is stunning and is generally who i socialise with when out in town. We always have a great laugh together, she's the funniest girl I know, but when we are out and approached by guys I definitely end up assuming the wing friend role and "have the banter" with guys we meet, who generally seem to like me and find me funny but rarely show any interest. Whereas my friend is just more girly (not in a fake eye fluttering way, it's just her natural manner and she doesn't change her approach like i would - even tho i don't realise i'm doing it!) and they flock to her big time.

Guess I just have to have more faith in myself - i have a lot to offer and by the sounds of it OP so do you!

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

again thanks for the help everyone!

I was thinking about everyone's comments last night and this morning and am taking on 'board' what everyone is saying. The 'being seen as one of the lads' theory is definately one to think about but as eve_dublin(i think) mention, how does one change being seen that way??

I am not a complete tomboy or girlie girl, definately a mix of the two. I thought I was just being myself, but maybe I am acting more laddish around the guys as I just expect them not to fancy me, so I dont even try to get them to see me that way?

Have had a fair few rejections in my time, often being told that im a lovely girl etc...but they "just dont 'see' me that way". Maybe I am afraid of rejection so im just not putting myself out there even though I like to think that i am?

I know meeting people is just a game of chance, but surely with regards to all the men ive met I am the common denominator so it must be something I am doing/not doing that still has me single?

I've gotten crappy rejections before from women and lousy comments, not unlike the "regulation ugly friend" comment from some wanker. Makes me sick when i hear crap like that.

Another thing ill point out is this. Looks are one thing, but when a girl is sound and easy to talk to they are multiplied by about 1000, at least to me. From this point, i would have normally given up because id just say "what the hell does she see in me?". And if you are one of the lads, then what is the problem!? That's a great thing! Means you can have a laugh and are most likely sound! So maybe you are just going for the wrong blokes?

Milk & Honey

O/p you need to change your approach.
You should start with examining the venues you go to. Some people do better in some venues than others. I had a friend who always did well in one venue and I did badly. In another venue two miles away the reverse was true. You could simply be going to the wrong places.
You should change your appearance. You may be wearing the wrong type of clothing. Given your size a lot of the same colour can look boring.
When out on dates be careful of your conversation. What is a fascinating subject of conversation when you are talking to the girls can be a complete bore to a guy. When out on dates do not expect them to lead to anything. You should view them as an opportunity to get to know someone.

LegacyUser

op here again!

Have taken on some of the advice that has been offered up here, gonna shake up my social life a little bit and put myself out there more!
Gonna keep being myself when I am out but maybe a less laddish version! Have recruited one of my loved up friends to act as MY wing woman for once and we shall see what happens! Heading out to a concert and a few drinks afterwards this weekend.

Also i am heading off travelling for two months to Central America in September, so you never know what might happen!

If all else fails I'll resign myself to being a crazy cat lady!

Thanks again for the advice & good luck to everyone else in the same predicament! xx

chinapples

Unregistered wrote: »

im female in my mid-twenties and am beginning to wonder why i have zero luck with men...(hmm another topic about the men folk...sorry!).

Over the years I have had my fair few drunken kisses in night clubs etc and have had one or two minor flings that always just fizzle out but I have never been fancied by a guy, chatted up, asked out. I have always been the one to instigate hook ups and dates etc and drunken meaningless night club situations just happen!

I have had my number asked for by guys (only ever randomers) which have never come to anything...fair enough. But everyone tells me I will meet a guy through friends or hobbies etc.....yet this has never happened! my friends have no problem meeting, being approached by men and always have our male friends lusting after them.

I have lots of friends and am quite happy chatting away to people. My friends tell me Im nice, have a good sense of humour and am interesting I dont think I am a troll- im 5ft 10, size 14- im always complemented on my legs or boobs. my friends and family tell me im pretty (thanks mum!) yet I am always overlooked by men and just end up in the friend zone.

I am not desperatly seeking a boyfriend, not trying to hook up with any guy that looks my way (which is rare!) but I am beginning to wonder if I am a complete undesirable. It's beginning to affect my confidence...which i know is a huge part of attraction!

Sorry if this comes across as completely trivial, I know there are people out there with real issues but any insights or advice would be appreciated.

you are not undesirable but maybe the fact that you are seeking to find a guy in every corner of your world-is almost like a laser beam to guys?
Maybe "the smell of want off you" is more obvious then you think?
The best relationship you ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.
You will find someone when you least expect it.
Seriously, turn that frown upside down

Sleepy

OP - how do you dress when you go out? Do you just go out in jeans and a top or are you going ott in semi-slutty gear? I'm thinking probably the former but sometimes just a slight difference in clothing can demonstrate whether a girl is available or taken/not interested...

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

OP - how do you dress when you go out? Do you just go out in jeans and a top or are you going ott in semi-slutty gear? I'm thinking probably the former but sometimes just a slight difference in clothing can demonstrate whether a girl is available or taken/not interested...

it depends on my mood usually and whether or not its a big night out or just a few drinks. Im generally in mini skirts with or without tights as my legs are one of my best features. I generally dont get both my legs or boobs out as I dont like to have it all on display! if im in jeans, ill wear a low cut top cos its more flattering on big boobs.
I dont just wear all black but I don't go for mad fashionable styles, prints or colours or trends as I dont really want to be the 'fat one trying to be trendy' amongst my friends! I wear stuff thats flattering for my body shape and that I feel good in.

As for the 'smell of want of me', i know that desperado behaviour is a major turn off. I'm not trying to make a boyfriend out of any man in close proximity to me, just wondering why I am never the one who is approached, fancied etc!

maybe i am giving off desperate vibes.... or maybe I am just a troll

Taltos

Op - besides what the rest picked out I also spotted your activities.

Camping / Paintballing - assuming this is with your mates? So not a great op to meet new folk. Also paintballing is quite competitive - if you are really good here you could be freaking out the guys

Creative writing - sounds like something I would love to do - but no way would I do it to meet someone. Chances are the guys there are also there not to meet someone.

Maybe try getting involved in activities away from your comfort zone and away from your mates. Something out-doorsy that is not overly competitive?
Just some ideas - orienteering; rock climbing; kayaking; some mixed sport.
Again maybe something you know your friends will not be into - not that they are holding you back - but it might be good to get out there and meet a different type of person.

Reason I am saying this is there are 1 / 2 women at my work who since I joined have been going out clubbing to meet someone. Over 4 yrs later they are still in this circuit and still single - so maybe not the best venue to find true love - if you can understand the slurred "you're s'lovely"...

In terms of being more girly - small changes are sometime best; ones that you will not be overly self conscious about but that will grab the attention - eg that eye stuff that highlights the colour of your eyes, or a bit of rouge on your cheeks or a deep sensuous lipstick - apply for some colour and dap down a bit... These things were created for a reason - they simulate that you are attracted to someone and can cause them to do a sub-conscious double-take. Just don't overdo it...