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would you believe her?

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  • 24-08-2009 2:52pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hi, its kind of straightforward in principle, but not in practice.

    i think that my girlfriend of a year slept with another man last night, but she has given me a version of events that i just don't believe. we're both in our mid-thirties, divorced with no kids - and happy to stay that way - we live 300 miles apart and have an unorthodox sex-life.

    we both came from 'excitement-less' marriages where sex was rubbish and infrequent, so we've both made a deliberate attempt to experiment and push our boundaries. in short we've found the fetish of 'other people'. we both have sex with other people, and tell each other about the experiences, even take photos, and i have watched her, 'secretly' and overtly, having sex with other men. we both find all these things very arousing and our sex-life, both with external stimulus and just the two of us is enormously satisfying. while our relationship may not have the normal cheating/not cheating boundaries we probably are even more honest and open with each other than couples who don't enjoy the things we enjoy.

    now, last night: a mutual male friend from university stayed over at my GF's. we know he fancies her (she's caught him admiring her, he asked her out after the divorce etc...) indeed before he arrived we had a texting session about her 'accidentally' catching him with a pair of her panties and what she'd do about it - all fantasy stuff as our 'outside' interests are all strangers - and then just wished each other good night about 10pm. problem is, she didn't get up till gone noon - its a non-work day - doesn't drink so wasn't hung over, and this is pretty unusual for her. she says, with no real prompting, that they had a chinese, gobbed off and went to bed at 12, she says she 'got no sleep' and then woke at midday. i asked her - very jokingly - 'did you shag him!', in the way we often badger each other, and got a very fierce 'no, don't you trust me? etc...' in reply.

    with a lifestyle like ours trust in each other is the be all and end all, even when i'm sat at home knowing she's with another man, i trust her, and believe what she says, problem is, i'm not sure i believe her story about last night.

    cheers for your responses...


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    #2
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    Do I believe her, who knows. How about you sort it out with her. Perhaps she's getting bored of your (plural) lifestyle. Perhaps she's telling the truth. Perhaps she's getting sick of you badgering her about other men.
    ..we probably are even more honest and open with each other than couples who don't enjoy the things we enjoy.

    How do you figure that one out? Seems to me the point of your post is you're worried that your OH is not being honest and open. Do I enjoy the things you enjoy with my OH, no. Am I concerned about my OH not being honest and open, also no. Seems to me you probably aren't as open and honest as you like to think you are.


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    #3
    humanji
    Registered Users Posts: 19,976 ✭✭✭✭humanji


    OP, why is it so hard to believe she just had a lie-in? If she had slept with him and admitted it to you, would you mind? And if not, then why would she lie to you if she had slept with him?


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    #4
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    lied to? wrote: »
    hi, its kind of straightforward in principle, but not in practice.

    i think that my girlfriend of a year slept with another man last night, but she has given me a version of events that i just don't believe. we're both in our mid-thirties, divorced with no kids - and happy to stay that way - we live 300 miles apart and have an unorthodox sex-life.

    we both came from 'excitement-less' marriages where sex was rubbish and infrequent, so we've both made a deliberate attempt to experiment and push our boundaries. in short we've found the fetish of 'other people'. we both have sex with other people, and tell each other about the experiences, even take photos, and i have watched her, 'secretly' and overtly, having sex with other men. we both find all these things very arousing and our sex-life, both with external stimulus and just the two of us is enormously satisfying. while our relationship may not have the normal cheating/not cheating boundaries we probably are even more honest and open with each other than couples who don't enjoy the things we enjoy.

    now, last night: a mutual male friend from university stayed over at my GF's. we know he fancies her (she's caught him admiring her, he asked her out after the divorce etc...) indeed before he arrived we had a texting session about her 'accidentally' catching him with a pair of her panties and what she'd do about it - all fantasy stuff as our 'outside' interests are all strangers - and then just wished each other good night about 10pm. problem is, she didn't get up till gone noon - its a non-work day - doesn't drink so wasn't hung over, and this is pretty unusual for her. she says, with no real prompting, that they had a chinese, gobbed off and went to bed at 12, she says she 'got no sleep' and then woke at midday. i asked her - very jokingly - 'did you shag him!', in the way we often badger each other, and got a very fierce 'no, don't you trust me? etc...' in reply.

    with a lifestyle like ours trust in each other is the be all and end all, even when i'm sat at home knowing she's with another man, i trust her, and believe what she says, problem is, i'm not sure i believe her story about last night.

    cheers for your responses...

    I say ask her one more time, and ask her seriously, in a non-accusatory way, just how you phrased it here: "With a lifestyle like ours trust in each other is the be all and end all - did anything happen between you and X last night?" and if she says no, leave it. Do it face-to-face as well.

    There's every possibilty she had a bad night's sleep and decided to have a lie-in... like you say, trust is everything... so trust her.


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    #5
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    lied to? wrote: »
    with a lifestyle like ours trust in each other is the be all and end all
    Bloody hell id say so! And given how open you both are to sexual experimentation and the lifestyle you have your trust in her must be pretty much solid to say the least, so for you to suddenly get suspicious now is pretty worrying.

    But maybe she did get a late nights sleep, who knows? All i know is that the telephone is complete rubbish for answers like these so ask her face to face. And like said above, dont do it jokingly. Be serious, you are allowed to be.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    unfortunately our work commitments mean that we'll not be meeting face to face for at least a week or so (and we do live 300 miles and 6 hours apart) so voice/text is all we have... and the guy is still there - its a long planned week-long thing - so its impossible to have any kind of serious conversation on the phone anyway.

    ten hours later, and we've exchanged a few unrelated 'what are you up to' texts, i just don't believe that nothing happened - and isn't happening.

    despite the 'lifestyle' we have big hard rules that we don't even approach, let alone cross: we always 'give notice' and back off if the OH isn't keen, we are utterly frank, and we never, ever go near friends or people we know, nor do we 'repeat' or stay long enough to allow any kind of emotional bond to develop. we love each other in same way that anyone else loves their partner, we may have sex away from home, but the bedrock of the 'scene' is being utterly faithful in emotional terms, and that's the issue: if (sadly no italics in this mode, so can't emphasize the 'if') she slept with him, then not only does it break our friends taboo, but i don't believe it would be a 'scene' thing, i think its an emotional, traditional 'boy meets girl' thing. and that's cheating.

    for Prinz: we 'badger;' each other equally, and its a (private) joke, because we don't 'do' friends or people we know, and there's no pushing involved. actually, originally it was her fantasy...

    thanks for the responses.


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    #7
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    lied to? wrote: »
    for Prinz: we 'badger;' each other equally, and its a (private) joke, because we don't 'do' friends or people we know, and there's no pushing involved. actually, originally it was her fantasy...
    thanks for the responses.

    I wasn't implying that you were pushing her into something. More that perhaps she had changed, and she's getting bored of your ways. Sounds to me like she snapped at you because she's tired of it.


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    #8
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    prinz wrote: »
    More that perhaps she had changed, and she's getting bored of your ways.
    You mean their ways. It was her idea originally according to the OP.
    Sounds to me like she snapped at you because she's tired of it.
    Shouldn't she tell him this? Relationship maybe unorthodox but the same basic respect is the same. She possibly broke that, so its not his fault. It's hers.

    Then again, she might not have done a thing.


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    #9
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    Wagon wrote: »
    You mean their ways. It was her idea originally according to the OP.

    Well I was referring to the OP so I meant 'your', i.e. 'your' plural... the ways of them both.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Oh christ op, you talk the talk about this lifestyle but you sound very possessive.

    Chances are she is faithful.

    But... the logical and quite hot consequences of 'the lifestyle' are that... sex is hot cause you push boundaries. Why do you bother pretending to be free if its all rules?
    If she comes back to you at the end of the day, does it matter? You seem really tied up in rules and regulations, and 'we do this' and 'we don't do that...' Trust is so much bigger. As a grown up, I ask which of my lovers will wash me in my bed if I am dying of colon cancer (and I know the answer!), not who shags who, thats their business.

    It sounds like you are either not ready for the lifestyle, or have outgrown it. Thats your call. But she have no right to harass this woman about it. If you want more from her (and don't talk sjite about what you & her have agreed on... cause it sounds like you have just agreed that its ok for you to watch (sorry, but thats how it sounds..).

    Sex is really basic stuff, its ok to be juvenile and possessive about it. But then don't play the 'free' game. And if you have any sense, don't harass this woman with your paranoia.


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