Should I keep it going?

LegacyUser

Basically something that has been on my mind for a few weeks...had a chat with my bf of 10 months and i mentioned that I wanted eventually to get married and have children. Not now but in about 5-6 years. Im sure of this..especially having children. He then told me outright that he didnt want to get married and was nearly 100% sure he didnt want kids either. I'm 26 and he is 29 so he is old enough to have made this decision...Is there any point in keeping this relaionship going if ultimately what we want out of life is different?we dont live together and our relationship is very new so I dont want to push the subject. Other than this we have a good relationship,I love him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. Should I save myself the pain or should I live in hope that people change their minds...?

LegacyUser

I think you probably need to end it, maybe when he sees how serious you feel about what you want in the future it will force him to make a decision about what he really wants. You could have just scared him a bit with marraige/babies talk so soon. Maybe that's not how he really feels but to be honest if you want kids and he doesn't one of you will have to sacrafice what you want in life to be together. you need to ask yourself would you be willing to never get married and never have kids to be with him?

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Basically something that has been on my mind for a few weeks...had a chat with my bf of 10 months and i mentioned that I wanted eventually to get married and have children. Not now but in about 5-6 years. Im sure of this..especially having children. He then told me outright that he didnt want to get married and was nearly 100% sure he didnt want kids either. I'm 26 and he is 29 so he is old enough to have made this decision...Is there any point in keeping this relaionship going if ultimately what we want out of life is different?we dont live together and our relationship is very new so I dont want to push the subject. Other than this we have a good relationship,I love him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. Should I save myself the pain or should I live in hope that people change their minds...?

I think too many people waste valuable time with people in the hope that they can change them.

I do think you should talk to him and give him the option though, at the moment you're choice is staying with him and giving up the kids and marriage idea or the kids and marriage with someone else. I 'd least give him the choice of marriage and kids with you, or losing you. Depending on how important you are to him he might be willing to compromise.

Lay it all out though and decide between you what it best for you both. I don't think 10 months is too soon to start discussing the future and deciding if you are compatible

prinz

I left a relationship with a wonderful girl, and one of the primary reasons was she told me she never wanted kids. I do some day. I did not want to waste her time or my own in progressing a relationship which would have an irreversible effect on both our lives on the off chance she may change her mind. How long are you prepared to wait. The decision is yours... lay it out for him and make your own mind up. Think of it 10 months of your life has gone by already, how much more are you going to let go by while you are continually putting off your own plans for the life you want.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 26 and he is 29 so he is old enough to have made this decision...Is there any point in keeping this relaionship going if ultimately what we want out of life is different?

I don't see the point.
You are both old enough to know what you want, it's not the same.

sunshine007

He may reconsider if you decide you are going to leave... but even at that point he will only be doing it to try to keep you in his life... and if you do have kids on this basis, would he have the love for them that they truly require....

LegacyUser

i just think its too soon to be knocking it on the head because of something that is so far into the future.He has been known to change his mind so I suppose Im hoping as things get more serious he'll change his outlook. We are both in difficult situations right now (both living at home) and before me he was in a very long term relationship. I think hes afraid he'll waste my time as he wasted his ex's time. Has anyone on here ever changed their minds about this subject?
I just love him too much to much right now to give him up over this..I hope im not making a mistake.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

i just think its too soon to be knocking it on the head because of something that is so far into the future.He has been known to change his mind so I suppose Im hoping as things get more serious he'll change his outlook. We are both in difficult situations right now (both living at home) and before me he was in a very long term relationship. I think hes afraid he'll waste my time as he wasted his ex's time. Has anyone on here ever changed their minds about this subject?
I just love him too much to much right now to give him up over this..I hope im not making a mistake.

Do you love him so much that you would compromise on the kids and marriage? ie. give them up?

LegacyUser

No I really dont,kids are something I've always seen in my future, but I'm wondering if theres a point in hanging on and seeing what happens?do men change their mind on this subject or am I being naive?

LegacyUser

I dont know whether this will help but i was with my ex for 8yrs he always said he didnt want to get married and didnt want kids and i fooled myself into believing that he would change his mind 5yrs into our relationship i fell Pregnant (by mistake i was on the pill) he acussed me of trapping him as i knew he didnt want kids. This was the last thing i would have ever done. He made me hate him as he said this over and over again all through the 9mths he felt he couldnt leave when our child was born and made my life hell. I have since left him but i think at your partners age he should know if he wants this or not and u should respect his honesty. You need to ask yourself can you imagine never having kids or getting married and if the answer is no you need to leave otherwise one day you will wake up still with this guy and will hate him for stopping you from fulling your dream

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

No I really dont,kids are something I've always seen in my future, but I'm wondering if theres a point in hanging on and seeing what happens?do men change their mind on this subject or am I being naive?

It really depends on how strongly your bf feels about the matter. You need to TALK to him about it.

You can sit and wait and hope all you like but the situation might never change. How long do you want to wait 5 years? 10 years? where will you draw the line? Past 35 the majority of women start experiencing fertility problems, you could wait so long that it's too late and end up resenting him for the rest of your life, all because you were afraid to have a conversation about it now

LegacyUser

It really depends on just how certain he is of that. I can understand him not wanting to get married or have kids at 29, but as you say you want them in 5-6 years, when he will be pushing 35.

Funnily enough I had a friend recently whose relationship almost ended as his g/f decided to shut him out as he constantly stated that he did not want kids and had no intention of marrying. The reality of it was that he had used these statements for years..maybe defensively (I don't know), never really examining the implications they might have to his g/f, and didn't give them much thought. Luckily enough they were able to communicate well with each other and tease this out and are still happily together in coupledom. The upshot of it was that he would be happy to have kids with this girl and look at marriage when their financial situation was good enough so that they could live together.

You need to talk to him frankly and let him know that you do wish to have children and get married in the distant future and ask him to really examine just how certain he is that he NEVER wants those things.

humanji

OP, you said you're relationship was "very new". How long have you been going out? I mean, if a girl I'd only recently started going out with started talking about marriage and kids, it'd freak me out.

LegacyUser

Hi,

We are together 10 months...the subject came up out of nowhere really!
We have talked about it and he said he would have a think about it as he never thought about it being a serious convo just yet? Positive he hasnt seemed to rule it out completely.

humanji

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

We are together 10 months...the subject came up out of nowhere really!
We have talked about it and he said he would have a think about it as he never thought about it being a serious convo just yet? Positive he hasnt seemed to rule it out completely.

Yeah, then I'd say that before you he'd assumed he wouldn't get married or have children, and simply never thought of it with you. When you asked him, it may of seemed to have backed him into a corner, so he just went with the first answer he had. Give him some time to see how he feels about it.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

We are together 10 months...the subject came up out of nowhere really!
We have talked about it and he said he would have a think about it as he never thought about it being a serious convo just yet? Positive he hasnt seemed to rule it out completely.

Well then I would let it sit for a while and put the topic back on the table in a month or so, or ideally let him bring it up.

I personally think marriage and kids are sensitive topics and need a LOT of comfort to actually consider. I honestly don't get the purely biological approach (OMG must progenate), but then I'm a man and don't have that dreaded clock ticking *shrug*. For me, kids are much more an emotional and an economical decision. I always used to hate the idea of kids, but my OH has been turning that around... I'm beginning to think that a little version of her would make the world a much better place (damn her witchy ways, *shakes fist* :mad:). I'm not really ready to commit to kids yet but it's definitely no longer out of the question. Maybe he'll go through a similar process.

Taltos

OP - give it a few wks or a month at the outside and then see how he feels - this should have given him enough time to think about it.

However, I decided in my teens to never have children and luckily met someone who felt the same. Not once have I even slightly changed my mind.
Be sure what you want here - as others have warned you could easily find yourself on the wrong side of 30 with with no kids and hating your partner or with a child and your partner hating you...

Hopefully he will change his mind - but if he promises that maybe in 5 yrs - the key word here is maybe... then you know what the story is.
Only a few wks ago there was a thread from a woman strung along for years with this maybe next year promise...

LegacyUser

TBH op, neither you nor your op are that young.


When I was 28 I went out with a guy for 10 months before I dared tell him I wanted kids... eventually I told him, he wrecked his head about it for a few months, and then broke up with me. Now he's 44 and still dating girls under 30 or 35 anyway... and still wasting their time.

If someone (male or female) says they don't want kids, you're as well off believing them. If they want you enough to have kids they'll come back to you.

But kids are probably the biggest deal breaker in relationships. Its not just us girls doing this. I know a few guys who have walked away cause the women haven't wanted kids. But never underestimate a dealbreaker or think people will change. They may well change but they will choose that themselves.

You're 26, not that young. Be honest with him. You are entitled to want kids and he he his entitled to not want kids. Better you both move on.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies,they helped alot. As much as I know I could be wasting my time I think theres a strong possibility he could change his mind as he used to talk about having kids. Like a previous poster mentioned he would think about it as an economical decision and neither of us are financially and emotionally ready for a child...just right now. Im being optimistic and hoping things will look up eventually..fingers crossed!

Taltos

op here wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies,they helped alot. As much as I know I could be wasting my time I think theres a strong possibility he could change his mind as he used to talk about having kids. Like a previous poster mentioned he would think about it as an economical decision and neither of us are financially and emotionally ready for a child...just right now. Im being optimistic and hoping things will look up eventually..fingers crossed!

Seriously set a limit for yourself - you do not want to still be waiting for him to change his mind in 10 yrs time...

LegacyUser

Hi again.

Im fully aware of that..I plan to keep a close eye on the situation..thanks guys!