Marriage Problems

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
I'm married almost 2 years and have been with the other half 3.5 years. We fell in love quickly were best friends and he proposed. I'd never been in a long term relationship before. We bought a house together after we got married, and had lots of problems, arguments organising things. Slowly but surely we started growing apart.

At the moment things are really bad. They're so bad I don't know if we should stay together. We've got completely different interests, and I feel like my hubby doesn't want to spend time with me. He tells me he loves me and I love him too, but it doesn't feel it's enough anymore. For example in the evenings, he watches sport, I watch the soaps. Maybe once a week he'll watch things with me and I'll watch a match with him. We don't cook dinner together or for each other, he's got hobbies which take up a lot of his time. It used to bother me a lot and he asked him to cut back a bit (He's plays sport for a different county and travfels up and down twice a week for training and is away most weekends playing games) I've gotten used to it now and I kinda like having the weekends to myself. I've made so much effort with him. I've made special dinners, we don't fight anymore we talk about things, I travel with him on the weekends sometimes. But, when I was away with a friend and came home he acted like it was no big deal and told me he didn't miss me.

One minute he seems interested, the next he isn't. This weekend has been torture for me. He told me an hour before we left for a wedding, his friend was getting married, that we don't have anything in common. The thing is there's a guy in work who I've bonded with and it's got me thinking we don't share enough. My hubby knows about hte guy but nothing's happened and nothing would!! hubby told me he's not surprised I've met someone with interests similar to mine because we don't have anythging in common. We both agreed it prob wasn't working and we should break up. Then I had to go to the wedding and put a brave face on it which was sooo hard. Hubby just seems to ignore me even at the wedding. he's so interested in his friends and colleagues i kinda ended up talking to other ppl. Yesterday he then told me he wants it to work and during the conversation I asked why he acted the way he did and he said truthfully he didn't know what he wanted and needed space to think. So I was going to a hen night and had to leave with him not knowing what was happening. I was all over the place. He texted last night saying he wants it to work but doesn't have the answers but isn't prepared to walk away.

Now i feel numb. I mean personally I think I deserve better - someone who wants me around and will make me feel special but I love him and would prefer if he'd make a few changes but i'm blue in the gface asking him. We decided to do things together... like walk in the evenings, then it was lashing last week, and this weekend so busy and now he's off all week working around the country and i'm here on my own. Worrying about all of this. Wehn he left this evening, he just muttered goodbye and left.

I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to call it a day incase I make a mistake. But I want a better relationship. Can anyone offer some advice. Apart from the fact I feel so stupid and guilty and ashamed that I've married someone and after 2 years we have so many problems. I don't know how I'd explain it to anyone. I really feel so down about it all. Sorry this is so long. I really do need advice thanks for reading.

Wurly

Id leave for a while and stay with a friend or whatever.

Tell him he can't just say 'i'm not prepared to walk away' and then he does f*ck all about the problems.

Tell him you need distance and a bit of space. He needs this too, I reckon. Maybe it will make him sit up and take notice. Maybe he'l get a taste of what it's like to not have you around and he won't like it.

You appear to be trying the same thing over and over. `It's time for you to stop making the effort. Pull back a bit. Let him realise that you're not gonna run around after him. Maybe that will make him put in some effort.

If this works, then maybe you guys should try marraige counselling? No shame in it and i'd be reluctant to throw any marraige away after such a short time. Some marraiges have had much worse problems than this and they have come through the crap.

What attracted you guys to each other in the first place? I cant see a reason why that can't be rediscovered again..

Look - create a bit of distance and pull back a bit.. That's what i'd do anyway. I'd try that before walking away permanently.

Best of luck OP..

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to call it a day incase I make a mistake. But I want a better relationship. Can anyone offer some advice. Apart from the fact I feel so stupid and guilty and ashamed that I've married someone and after 2 years we have so many problems. I don't know how I'd explain it to anyone. I really feel so down about it all. Sorry this is so long. I really do need advice thanks for reading.

Hi OP. I am really sorry you are hurting.

First of all you need to lose all of this guilt and shame nonsense. Please. You are not the first person to be in this situation and you won't be the last ... !!

There is no point is us going into the minutae of why things are as they are. There are always two sides to every situation ... however ... it is clear that you need to initiate some serious discussions with your husband.

You need more than a little sit down. You need to lay it all out for him, and let him do the same.

Counseling may be something worth doing if you both want to continue. I think you are right, in that it would be a shame to throw it away if it possible to save things and learn and move forward. The key questions will be do you love him and does he love you.

Marriage can be difficult. It is not a natural state. There are skills and lessons to be learned about being happily married.

All the best.

in two minds

OP would he agree to going to Accord for marriage counselling? I'm only married a very short time too and myself and my husband are currently attending counselling.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, you know I was sure it wasn't working and I should end it, but I was terrified to read the replies in case everyone agreed with me, which only tells me I do want it to work. The problem is I don't know if he does. Like the second poster said, I feel like I've done everything I can and he's just swapping and changing the whole time.

We were attracted to each other because we talked for hours on end. Our first date was the best date I was ever on. We talked and talked and instantly connected. I trust him completely and know he'd be there for me. He doesn't talk to me as much as he used to. On our second date, he came over to my house and we talked all night fell asleep and ended up spending 3 days together just hanging out, watching tv, talking and getting to know each other. It's the best connection with anyone I've ever had. We moved in together only after 2 months and he proposed after 3 months. What seems strange to me is that he was the one wanting to get married. It hadn't even crossed my mind. I mean yes I knew I'd met the one but didn't imagine he'd propose so quickly

Maybe counselling would be a good idea, but I think there's a stigma attached. He hates the idea. And there's the cost aswell.... But then again I suppose you'll only ask me what's important to me. It's great to know other ppl have the same issues and have gone to counselling. If that makes sense...

It's just one of those things where I think the little things are driving us mad. Then again, there are two sides to every story so I dunno what way he's thinking. If we tried counselling and it still didn't work I think I'd feel better about everything

Wurly

Well his inability to talk to you is causing problems and he NEEDS to sort this. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to have any form of a relationship here if he won't talk to you. There could be underlying issues here but of course you don't know what they are as he wont talk.

It could be that he's just gotten lazy. In which case, have a look again at the advice I gave in my first post.

Look - if he loves you and he wants it to work, he'l go to counselling with you. Initially, because it means something to you. And hopefully, he'l continue to go as he can see the benefits.

F*ck the stigma attached. People that create stigma's know nothing about the subject they are criticising. Tell him that. And remember, no one need ever know about the counselling except you two.

LegacyUser

I've just spoken with him and asked him what this is all about he said he's gonng take a few days to think about things and I asked him about a counsellor he said no. He doesn't know if we'd just be happier going our separate ways.

So here I am again in Limbo.... he said he's tried everything... i asked what has he tried and he couldn't answer me. he's gonna take the next two days to think things over and let me know.

CDfm

I think it is fairly positive rather than negative that you have admitted to one another that you are having "problems" and there are lots of couples that would love to have your type of problems.

The shock is not that you have problems but that you are talking about it.

I am divorced and have kids and that was a major issue and while we would have talked about having nothing in common my ex would have had issues about what I did for a living and was very controlling. You guys are not.

The basics of any relationship are whether you like and respect one and other and it seems you do.

A rule of thumb for these issues is no rapid quick decisions if they can be avoided.

The other thing is a life plan and that means if you stay together how will your life pan out and if you have some semblence of a life plan together.

Curvy Vixen

Unregistered wrote: »

I've just spoken with him and asked him what this is all about he said he's gonng take a few days to think about things and I asked him about a counsellor he said no. He doesn't know if we'd just be happier going our separate ways.

So here I am again in Limbo.... he said he's tried everything... i asked what has he tried and he couldn't answer me. he's gonna take the next two days to think things over and let me know.

I was in a similar boat to you OP. We got married in the May and we were in counselling by August and that was after knowing each other for about 15 years as friends beforehand.

I felt all that you are feeling..including ashamed and embarrassed that we couldn't make our marriage work without needing outside help. But we got over that pretty quickly when we realised that the only way to see our road ahead was to get help. If one of you had cancer or something you would get help wouldn't you? Same thing, just mental rather than physical with counselling. I also wanted to be able to either work out our issues or at least walk away with my head held high (metaphorically) and be able to say that I/we tried our best to fix it before giving up.

The bit that struck me about this post is that he said no to counselling. If he doesn't want to do it then you are wasting your time. 'Counselling' is just a helping hand in your life....the bit that works is what you take from your one hour a week and apply to the rest of your life. If he doesn't even want to attend then already you are on a losing streak. It seems like he has mentally if not verbally confirmed that things are over.

You have a couple of choices. You can either sit back and wait for him to make up his mind or you can decide what you want for you. Or you can just carry on as you have been of course, with no changes and wake up in 10 years time wondering where your life went.

For us, counselling worked in one sense. It allowed us to see that although we make great friends, we make a really bad husband and wife team. We have been seperated for almost 18 months and other than the odd blip we are actually quite good friends. I'm not sure that this would have been the case without counselling to be honest.

Good luck though and remember...make your decisions for yourselves NOT for what others might think!

tbh

if you were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and he asked you tonight to marry him, what would your reaction be?

Imagine you had kids, how much harder would it be to walk away? Sounds to me like that's whats going to happen (sorry), so my advice would be to walk away now while you can do it relatively hassle free.

CDfm

OP with marriage etc finances get tangled up mortgages etc.

Some people go into marriage with huge romantic ideas etc.

The mens activist and feminist Mary Cleary has a due diligence checklist download -what you should know about each other before you get married.

Its a link from her book promo That Bitch - but dont get put off by the title- seeing you are discussing stuff it might give you some structure or even ideas or headings

Anyway here is the link - stuff that doesn't apply to you just delete -but it might get you on track.

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_diligence_download.html