jokes that are not the best

Capt'n Midnight

Monday morning a woman goes into the grocers and asks for a pack of butter. The grocer replies that he has no butter but will get a delivery on Friday.

Tuesday morning the woman again goes into the grocers and asks for a pack of butter. Again the grocer tells her that the deliver wont be in till Friday.

Wednesday morning the woman goes into the grocers and again asks for a pack of butter. Being rather peeved he asked the woman "can you spell" and the woman says she can. "Well" says the grocer, "spell cat, as in catastrophy" and the woman responds "c a t". "Fine" he says. "Now spell dog, as in dogmatic" and she replies "d o g". "Great" says the grocer, "now spell sod, as in butter" and the woman replies:






"There is no sod in butter"

Capt'n Midnight

what goes ooooooooooooo?

a cow with no lips



What do you call a Vampire who has broke down 2 miles from the blood bank?

A Taxi !!




Did you hear about the two silk worms who had a race ?

it ended up as a tie



"Why have you got custard in your ears?"

"What? Speak up, i'm a trifle deaf"



'there's an aeroplane in the hall upstairs"
"I told you not to leave the landing light on"

Capt'n Midnight

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Capt'n Midnight

a plastic bag went to the doc. doc said the plastic bag had AIDS.


plastic bag said "but I am a virgin!?"

doc says..............


one of your parents must have been a carrier

Capt'n Midnight

Two cows in a field...

One says "Moooo"

The other one says "You bastard, I wanted to say that!"





guy gets shipwrecked.

When he wakes up, he's on a beach.

The sand is purple. He can't believe it.

The sky is purple.

He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds
and purple fruit on the purple trees.

He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"




A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager. The barman charges him five quid, and after looking at him for a while, says, "Do you know you're the first gorilla we've had in here for ages?"
"Well, at a fiver a pint," replies the gorilla, "I'm not bloody surprised"




What do you call a pig with three eyes?
piiig

Capt'n Midnight

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In his bid to break the ice with the audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old man in the front row jumps up and shouts "Play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie's chuffed that there is an appreciation for jazz in the audience so tinkles out an Eflat9 with a diminished fifth arpeggio and proceeds to improvise around it brilliantly for ten minutes or so.

When he finishes the place goes wild but the old man continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie, a little vexed, but being a professional counts his band in and they proceed to weave a complex musical web of be-bop scales over D9sus4 for twenty minutes or so.

The roar of approval from the public is deafening, but the old man leaps out of his seat and continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie's had about as much as he can take and says to the old man, "You come up here and do it".

So the old boy clambers up onto the stage, grabs the mike and starts to sing............

























......."A jazz chord to say I ruv you...."

Capt'n Midnight

David Hasselhoff walks onto a film set and says to the director, "I want you to call me Hoff".
The director replies, "Sure, man. No hassle..."



There were these three soldiers who flew with BA every time they went on holiday.
The only downside was before every journey he would shout, "I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool."



What did the left testicle say to the right testicle?

don't know, they were talking bollocks

Capt'n Midnight

Q. Why doesn't Lennox Lewis have a playstation?
A. Cos he is an x-boxer



Q. How do u get pickachu on a bus?
A. Poke him on


What's a pirate's favorite kitchen appliance?
The toastARRRRrrrrggghh!




Man walks into a pub in a hospital gown attached to a drip behind him. Asks the landlord for a double vodka.

He downs it immediately. Asks for another.

He downs the second immediately.

"You know", says the man, "I really shouldn't be having this with what I've got."

"Really?" enquires the landlord, "Why? What have you got?"

"10p".

Capt'n Midnight

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

(˙˙˙ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp 'ʇuɐ pɐǝp)

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

(¡dɯnp dɯnp dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ 'dɯnp ǝɥʇ oʇ)





How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She can fit in your wife's clothes.




Why didn't the Buddhist vaccuum the corners?

He didn't have any attachments.



What's the hardest thing about roller-blading? Telling your parents that you're gay.



Three men of different nationalities walk into a bar and are presented with an improbable situation.

Two say / do something intelligent and the third says / does something to insult himself and, as such, his people.

Capt'n Midnight

A man is in a bar having a drink when he notices a well dressed guy come through the door with 5 beautiful women all over him. He also happens to have an Orange for a head.

The man at the bar watches him flirt and buy rounds and flash bankrolls of money and get all the attention in the room for an hour before getting up the nerve to approach the man.

"Excuse me, Sir..." he says, "I have to ask...I see you here with all these beautiful women, and all this money, and all this attention...but I noticed you have an Orange for a head. How did all this happen for you?"

The man with an Orange for a head replies "Well I was walking on a beach one day when I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.

First, I wished for all the attention from the hottest women in the world.

Second, I wished for an unlimited supply of money.

Third, and this is where I kind of fúcked it up, I wished to have an Orange for a head."

Capt'n Midnight

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Euripedes

Euripedes who?

Euripedes, you buy me a new pair






Why did the Mexican push his wife of a cliff?

Tequila!!



How do you cut the sea in half?

A sea-saw

Capt'n Midnight

A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy’s a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What’s that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I’ve never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ‘til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ‘til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ‘til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days ‘til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.

You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not ‘til next year." "Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don’t tell me I’m too late!"

The chief recognises him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What’s he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle, but suddenly is struck down by lightning.

The guy, overwhelmed with despair, takes his own life.

He is survived by his wife and daughter.

you butcher your right hand in , right hand out ..

Capt'n Midnight

*Knock* *Knock*

"Who's there?"

"Doorbell repairman"




Stevie Wonder challenged Tiger Woods to a game of golf, but Tiger wouldn't play him as he thought it unfair. However Stevie was rather insistent, he kept goading Tiger and betting increasingly large sums of money that he could beat him easily.
When Stevie raised the bet to $1million, Tiger thought sod it, easy money and said "So when do you want to play then?"
To which Stevie replied "Any night this week!"




Man: Doctor Doctor - I think i'm a dog!

Shrink: Well get on the couch then....

Man: I cant, im not allowed...........

Capt'n Midnight

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar,

The barman says "why the long face?"





A man is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that is never empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The man starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, "I want two more of these."





I had a new dish from our local Indian takeaway last night Chicken Tarka, it's like Chicken Tikka but just a little otter.

Capt'n Midnight

My grandad had his tongue shot off during WW2.

He doesn't talk about it.




Why did the biscuit burst into tears?

Because its mother had been a wafer so long




A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course" says the fishmonger.
"Oh good" says the man,"its his birthday!!"

Capt'n Midnight

B & Q - Urgent Warning!


I'm not usually one for posting warnings like this, but I had a close
call yesterday evening. I walked into B&Q after work and some bloke dressed in orange overalls asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Capt'n Midnight

Why did DNA helicase get accused of sexual assault?

It kept unzipping people genes.





A precocious little girl missing two front teeth, walks into a pet shop and says to the shopkeeper, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "You know, mithter, I don't think my python will weally give a thit."




I knew a girl who worked as a receptionist in the jaundice clinic - always answered the phone the same way:

"Y'ello?"

Capt'n Midnight

In a freak accident my Son was crushed by a falling lego tower

He didn't make it.


I went to the doctors today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffered any memory loss.
How the feck do I know ?


I just heard about an Astronaut who keeps standing in chewing gum has become stuck in orbit!

Capt'n Midnight

I was in a Chinese restaurant recently and I was thinking about how a small duck is called a duckling -- and I canceled my order of dumplings



My wife broke down again in the car today.

I must remember not to whistle at teenage girls when she's sitting in there next to me.



The English language is the best in the world. It just has a certain... je ne sais quoi.

Capt'n Midnight

I have recently started eating office stationary.

It's a part of my staple diet.



"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"



My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

Capt'n Midnight

An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.



I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending



Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "Straight up, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend said I should be more affectionate. So now I`ve got two girlfriends.



A man died today after becoming trapped under a large wicker basket containing a smoked ham, a jar of pickled onions, some cheddar, water biscuits and a bottle of champagne.

Police said that their efforts to save him were hampered




I’ve been weighing up the pro’s and con’s of my job as a photo lab technician’s assistant and to be honest, I can only see the negatives.

Capt'n Midnight

Be careful if you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.




I once worked on the Samaritans switch board. Unfortunately i didn't do very well and 4 people that called committed suicide.

I really wouldn't be that bothered, but one of them was a wrong number.





I read 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' in 4 hours yesterday!

I know it's only 7 words but I was still impressed with myself.





I got an email from a circus the other day but I couldn't open the attachment.
Apparently it hadn't been created by a genuine acrobat.

Capt'n Midnight

I got hit in the head by 50 cans of Sprite, 30 cans of Coke and 20 cans of Fanta the other day.

I was alright though. They were only soft drinks.






If I could find a cure for haemorrhoids, I'd make piles.





My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I'll never see her in the same light again.




I put £10 on a horse at Cheltenham yesterday.

The horse just ate it.

Capt'n Midnight

I've got great idea for the new series of X-factor.

don't show it!






Ah, bungee rope - that takes me back.






Apparently the 360 tour is putting Bono under huge pressure with rumours spreading that he's feeling suicidal. Sources say he's close to the Edge.

Capt'n Midnight

Someone just posted this note through my letterbox.

E
M
G
N
I
B
B
U
R

It's really rubbing me up the wrong way.






This brain tumour is doing my head in.




Recession ?
I run an Explosives company.
Business is booming.





Have a bit of advice for the weekend.

Adv.




I’ve just invested my life savings into The Mount Everest Grill House which opens next week.

The steaks have never been higher.




In the cemetary i saw four men carrying a coffin around. When i passed 3 hours later the same men were still there carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself "They've lost the plot."



I just hired a really uncomfortable car.

It Hertz like hell.





Seen the new UK advert for drug-driving? The one with the 'eyes'...
Ever noticed the black chap in the back seat doesn't seem to be affected as much as the others?
That's because he's the dealer

Capt'n Midnight

31% of Americans are reported to be morbidly obese. They are 3 times more likely to develop cancer and on average will lose 10 years of their lives.

As if they didn't have enough on their plates.





Jonathan Ross has recently been arrested for stealing kitchen utensils. It was a whisk he was willing to take.

L_gaucho

great stuff Captain

Fabritzo

Fresh jokes at last