Should I tell truth about my past?

Chocchipcookie

Only way to say this is to be upfront and honest. I had an affair on my husbad 3 yrs ago. he founds out and we are now sererated. its was very traumatic for him, and for me i suppose. now we've both moved on, and rarely have contact. I'm seeing a lovely man now. we get on so well, and we see future togther. I have never told him the real reason why myself and my hubby split. i just said it didnt work out. I am wracked with guilt though. If i tell him, i think he will see me differently, and end our relationship. I've changed so much since my marraige broke up. I guess i was young and immature then. I've grown up now and i know i would never ever cheat again. But what if he doesnt see it like this. Should I tell or stay quiet??

themadchef

I'm a fan of honesty. Tell it like it is, tell him exactly what you wrote here. If it's going to go anywhere serious you need to be completly open with each other. It's worth the risk in my opinion.

Latchy

You are being open and honest here now but understand your concern about being judged by past indescretion .Worth the risk I say .

Pythia

I wouldn't tell. Apart from alleviating your guilt, it will probably do nothing but harm the relationship. I don't think you are lying by saying it didn't work out.

Latchy

It's basically a ' dammed if I do , dammed if I dont situation ' .

Ickle Magoo

How likely is it to ruin your relationship & will your relationship suffer anyway by you not being able to be honest? Is it likely to crop up in the future or could your partner find out from someone else?

I guess you have to weigh up the positives & negatives & decide which is the better risk to take...

Me, I like honesty. Lies or being deliberately evasive about these kind of things always have a habit of coming back & biting you on the ass when you least need it to, I find it much easier just to be honest from the outset & if a guy takes exception to something I've done then we aren't going to be a very good match, anyway.

Jules

Moved from tLL.

ManOfMystery

I think you should tell him.

Betrayal/deceit obviously didn't work for you the first time, so take a different tact with this relationship and opt for honesty.

If he's a good guy and understanding, he'll likely understand there was a reason you cheated in the first place (unhappy marriage?) and will be confident this wont happen again.

If its a huge issue for him and causes insecurities, better you find out now than 2-3 yrs down the line.

Taltos

I too am a fan of honesty.

However - what is the truth here?
What I mean is
Is it - I cheated...
or
I wasn't in love with my husband and strayed
or
I wasn't loved by my husband and sought what was missing elsewhere
or
We got together too young, before we even knew who we were...

I am sure your new partner knows that your prior marriage broke-down. Maybe he has even guessed why - but do you really want to rake over the coals with him?
Either he will really appreciate the honesty or if he is insecure he will let this niggle on him. The greater risk might be what if someone else tells him first...

I guess first off you need to be honest with yourself as to why you cheated originally and why you now feel you need to tell your OH.

dudara

I would be of the opinion that you should tell him. It won't be easy and it will probably be fairly painful, but relationships needs honesty. It's the lifeblood of a relationship.

How do you think he would react if you told him?

Coffee Addict

Honesty is always the best policy, but why just bring it up out of the blue.
If he asks then you will have to or should tell him the truth.
But explain how you felt then & the circumstances etc & then explain how you feel now.
Good luck

MJOR

I think if you don't tell him it'll eat away at you. You had an affair, that's in the past but I think if you tell him it may alter your relationship. It's a tough call but one only you can make.
Best of luck xxx

NickNolte

I'd tell him to be honest. If he finds out through other channels, your relationship will be on the rocks faster than you can say 'boo'. Just be sure to put it in context. Personally I believe cheating is always wrong - if a relationship is working you either end it or fix it... you don't have sex with someone else. However, if your relationship was unhappy or your ex-spouse was abusive or that then at least you have a 'but' clause.

If you cheated on a husband that loved you and that you pretended to love out of sexual gratification or 'for fun' then your current partner at least has the right to know what kind of the person he is potentially going out with.

It's very hard for anyone to give you advice here without knowing the circumstances of your previous affair. Are you an unhappy victim who found comfort in somone else's arms? Or are you a vile, horrendous cheat who committed the ultimate, vicious betrayal? Not trying to sound like an emotive Jeremy Kyle there but you know what I mean. Everyone's shooting in the dark without knowing your full story.

Chocchipcookie

Thanks for the replies. I guess the general concensus is to tell the truth. But yes i will weigh it up and only if its mentioned will i say anything. I dont think i could just bring it up out of the blue. Thanks guys.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

If you need to salve your guilt and make yourself feel a lot better and unburdened - then tell him. Of course it will give him a shock and warn him that he will never trust you during the length of your relationship, however long it lasts, but at least when it ends you will have self satisfaction.

If you want to give yourself a second chance at love and give this relationship the best chance you can possibly give it, and save him the shock and heartache and anxt over whether to trust you every night you are out without him and every time he goes away - then you will keep you past to yourself and let it slip into history where it belongs.

You choice.

All the best

Lady Muck

I would keep it from him, all you will do is make him doubt you and will probably make him insecure. He doesn't need to know what happened between you and your ex. What matters is the future and the fact you learnt from it.

Nitxteha

Tell him. You have not done anything to him, but I think is healthy when you start a relationship to know where both parties come from so that you understand and get to know each other better.

SarahSassy

No, there is no need to tell him. Its actually none of his business. It would make him doubt you and maybe so much that he could finish the relationship. If you are sure you would never do it again then why confuse him by telling him.

Monkey61

I'd be of the view that it was in the past, a past relationship and is none of his business! People on this forum frequently advocate the idea that you shouldn't tell new partners how many people you have slept with or open any other cans of worms like that, and I think that this falls under the same category.

I don't know why you are so wracked with guilt about this. You haven't cheated on him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Cheating is not who you are, it is something that you do. People make mistakes. It is what makes us human. By learning from those mistakes and not cheating on your current partner then you are doing the best that you can do and being a better person.

G-Money

I think you should put the shoe on the other foot and imagine it's him who had the affair and who's marriage ended. In that scenario, would you genuinely want to know? You need to be honest when you think about that and not say "Yes" or "No" just to suit your current mindset.

I know if I were going out with a girl and she told me she cheated before, I'd immediately be on red alert as I'd suspect she'd probably do it again. I guess it depends though on the person and if they are genuinely sorry and will stick to it when they say they won't cheat again. Rather than saying that as they just haven't met anyone yet who they want to jump into bed with.

SarahSassy

Its none of his business. Its in teh category of 'how many people have you slept with?', 'which ex had the nicest boobs?' etc...

You have moved on and if you have learned your lesson from it will never do it to him. Dont freak him out if this is the case.

nesbitt

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP.

If you need to salve your guilt and make yourself feel a lot better and unburdened - then tell him. Of course it will give him a shock and warn him that he will never trust you during the length of your relationship, however long it lasts, but at least when it ends you will have self satisfaction.

If you want to give yourself a second chance at love and give this relationship the best chance you can possibly give it, and save him the shock and heartache and anxt over whether to trust you every night you are out without him and every time he goes away - then you will keep you past to yourself and let it slip into history where it belongs.

You choice.

All the best

+ 1 1000%