if somone did this to ya...

LegacyUser

hi all
earlier today i rang my fiancee to tell her that i would be going to see some friends tonight at his house ,no drinking. she had no problem with this.

she came home from work to announce to me some of her friends were going out for drinks tonight and put me on the spot .basically she wanted me to drop my arrangements without having to ask.
i got thick of course and said ye go ahead,but didnt mean it.needless to say she got her way.i asked why should i change my plans to accomodate her late plannig ,even tho i had mine arranged first.
she said i can see them anytime.
one of her friends had to travel a bit to meet them.


we cant be both out at the same time as we have a daughter and would need a babysitter.
also i asked when might she be home and where they wrer plannig on going.i got no definate answer.
so what do you people think,

thanks

OS119

depends.

if she'd only found out at the last minute - the friend coming a long way - and said "reeeeally reeeeally sorry, is there any chance you could re-arrange so i can go out with X, Y and Z, X is only around for tonight and she's driven for hours, haven't seen her in months etc... pretty pretty please...", then that's one thing, its kind of unavoidable (as well as being polite and 'i'm sorry i'm fcuking you about') and if you really can re-arrange at will then its fine in the great scheme of things.

but, if she's just given it "ha, i'm going out, taxi's on its way, unlucky", then that's a big no-no. a great big fcuk off red line has just been crossed pissed on. this isn't just a lack of respect, or ignorance, its contempt.

think about what she said, rather than what you heard, but if it was the latter then there's some harsh words to be spoken and some serious questions need asking about the future - or lack of it - of this 'relationship'.

LegacyUser

its probably the first one alright but i still dont think its fair.
and as for not saying where she was going and what time back is not nice,so im giving her a taste of her own i think.

LegacyUser

Can you not just tell that she owes you one? Is she always getting you to cancel your plans at the last minute?
If it was always happening, I'd be pissed off alright. If it's only the once and she didn't demand you stay at home but rather asked nicely, I wouldn't be annoyed. Sometimes it's very hard to stick to your plans when you have children. It's not the end of the world.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Can you not just tell that she owes you one? Is she always getting you to cancel your plans at the last minute?
If it was always happening, I'd be pissed off alright. If it's only the once and she didn't demand you stay at home but rather asked nicely, I wouldn't be annoyed. Sometimes it's very hard to stick to your plans when you have children. It's not the end of the world.

no she dosent make a habit of this,its just that we had a tough patch in our relationship and i suppose its my insecurities causing this.il have to calm a bit i suppose.

MissHoneyBun

She has no respect for you, simple as. Nor will she ever if you continue to accommodate her diva demands.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

its probably the first one alright but i still dont think its fair.
and as for not saying where she was going and what time back is not nice,so im giving her a taste of her own i think.

That is incredibly childish. Cop on to yourself. You have a child and you're engaged but you're planning a tit for tat because you're other half wanted to go out with a friend that doesn't live nearby? Ridiculous. You said yourself it's a one off, what's the big deal? You were only going over to someone's house, apparently someone you can see anytime. And if that is your typical attitude to your other half then I'm not surprised she doesn't account for every second of her life away from you. If your relationship is going through a tough patch then perhaps you should spend more time thinking of ways to work through things rather than how to get back at your partner.

Terodil

I agree somewhat with the preposter and you yourself too, OP.

It seems that due to the rough patch you're going through, you're interpreting the whole event in an unfavourable light. Add to that that the event itself is a bit fishy (I mean, she's doing the same thing from her perspective, and probably less apologetic / friendly in asking that she could have been if everything was a-ok).

Please calm down a little OP and take a step back from the whole thing. You're not considering everything at the moment and just running deeper into the quagmire.

I totally agree with the 'you have one good on her' advice. Show her that you love her and take her requests into account, but don't fall into the other extreme of being a doormat. Holding your own is different to going through a wall head-first.

Good luck!

puglover

When I read the title I was expecting you'd been the victim of some massive injustice.

You said yourself she doesn't make a habit of it, she told you nicely & apologised for the inconvenience.

Cut her a little slack, I'm sure over the years you've probably had or will have at some point in the future impromtu get togethers with friends.

Sorry to hear you've been through a bad patch but why prolong it by turning these little incidents (if you could even call it an incident) into a big drama.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

When I read the title I was expecting you'd been the victim of some massive injustice.

You said yourself she doesn't make a habit of it, she told you nicely & apologised for the inconvenience.

Cut her a little slack, I'm sure over the years you've probably had or will have at some point in the future impromtu get togethers with friends.

Sorry to hear you've been through a bad patch but why prolong it by turning these little incidents (if you could even call it an incident) into a big drama.

no she dosent make a habit of it but i got no apology not that it matters to me but it would be nice.
its just a big drama in my head because she was unfaithful to me.but im tryin my best to forget it but its very hard and i dont know if i ever will put it behind me.
she puts me under pressure about marriage and more children then ,where im still in the process of can she be trusted.
ramble ramble

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

its probably the first one alright but i still dont think its fair.
and as for not saying where she was going and what time back is not nice,so im giving her a taste of her own i think.

You indicated here that she had asked like this :

"reeeeally reeeeally sorry, is there any chance you could re-arrange so i can go out with X, Y and Z, X is only around for tonight and she's driven for hours, haven't seen her in months etc... pretty pretty please..."

so I assumed she' d apologised. Sorry if i got it wrong.

OP this incident is no biggie but I think you've mis-directed your anger/annoyance towards it because of a much bigger problem.

If you've truly forgiven your OH for cheating then you just have to learn to trust her. It's hard and you are a bigger person than I could be in this situation but you have to do it. You can't keep her locked in a box forever for fear she'd to it again and you'll drive yourself mad with worry if you can't learn to trust her.

On the other hand if it's a case that you can't actually bring yourself to forgive her then you need to re-assess wether you should be contining with the relationship

lolli

Why didn't you just pay for a babysitter then both of you could have went out? Problem solved.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

You indicated here that she had asked like this :



so I assumed she' d apologised. Sorry if i got it wrong.

OP this incident is no biggie but I think you've mis-directed your anger/annoyance towards it because of a much bigger problem.

If you've truly forgiven your OH for cheating then you just have to learn to trust her. It's hard and you are a bigger person than I could be in this situation but you have to do it. You can't keep her locked in a box forever for fear she'd to it again and you'll drive yourself mad with worry if you can't learn to trust her.

On the other hand if it's a case that you can't actually bring yourself to forgive her then you need to re-assess wether you should be contining with the relationship

im kind of half and half at the moment i suppose,i mean i am trying to forget what happened before,but then somtimesi cant.deep down im a different person when it happened.its like i lost my identity for a while.its all a muddle

puglover

Op I would suggest some couples counselling, you obviously need to straighten this out in your head and your OH needs to know what is going on too.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

Op I would suggest some couples counselling, you obviously need to straighten this out in your head and your OH needs to know what is going on too.

ive talked about it on many occasions to her but i never get it all out.it just dosent happen.
she said she dosent want to go to couples councelling.

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

ive talked about it on many occasions to her but i never get it all out.it just dosent happen.
she said she dosent want to go to couples councelling.

Why not start going on your own. Learn to deal with the emotions that right now are ripping you apart and colouring all you see.
Hopefully once she sees the positive effect it is having for you she will join you - but you cannot pressurise her to do so.

Continue the 2 way communication the whole time. Even today let her know that you were disappointed with what happened yesterday - but do not make it into a blame game. It seems like after the "incident" you 2 just need to reset your boundaries and to relearn how to trust and be with each other.

Fair dues for staying though mate - better man than I. So now that you are there you do need to work extra hard at it - and if that means you go to counselling alone then you go - might be just what you need.

C.Rizzle

Leave It!!!
Dont bother your whole man ya'l start
a fight and she'l make ya feel like its all your fault
and ya'd wonder y ya bothered! ha my suggestion
is to go GAY!!! lol

MJOR

Ok there seems to be a bit more to it than she wants me to change my arrangements last minute. I thin k something else is the real issue and the her heading out just brought it to the forefront. You need to have a chat with her.

BTW what was to stop you asking the lads over if ye weren't gonna be drinking anyway?