Arranged marriage - anyone else in my boat?

hopskipjump

Im just wondering if anyone else is in my situation. as an irish girl, i never imagined myself in this scenario.
i was seeing an indian man and we hoped to get married. after a very long and protracted struggle his parents forced him to go back to india - to separate us and they will force him into an arranged marriage. its almost 3 years later and im still trying to get my head around it, am trying to move on but am absolutely in bits. its very hard to contemplate a new relationship when the you have already met the one you want.

has anyone else experienced this? understandably, nobody in this part of the world really understands and they think im a totall idiot. one of the hardest things is that people assume that i was taken for a ride, its incredibly insulting to me, and regrading to relationship i had. it would really help to know that someone understands.

MizzLolly

Awh this is such a sad post to read OP

What a horrible, horrible situation. It's very sad that after three years, you are still devastated from the break up. Do you ever hear from him now? Has he married already?

Unfortunately situations like this one are kept very quite. I know two people who have been set up for an arranged marriage. One is happy to marry the son of her dad's friend, whom she's been 'engaged' to for about a year now. They will marry this December.

The other person is a man. His family did not want him to marry an Irish Catholic and so he was forced to make the decision between his family and an arranged marriage, or his life with a woman he honestly loved. He chose the woman, they got married in England, he lost contact with his family and they had a beautiful baby girl together. This girl grew up, fell for a Muslim boy, got pregnant outside of marriage and went along with his parents' plea to have their son and herself married. She gave birth to a baby girl, her husband is now in jail and she's living in a flat on her own with her baby. She's only 19. It's terrifying how other people can have so much of a sway over how their family's lives are run.

So please don't feel that you're completely alone in what you're going through because there are so many other's affected by it too, it's just brushed under the carpet so much.

I don't know what you can do about moving on. Are you in contact with him at all now?


Also, in regard to people telling you that you've been taken as a ride, these are not the kind of people you need in your life at the minute. You've been hurt horribly and unfairly but you did absolutely nothing wrong.

I really wish I could say something to help you. I hope things improve for you and that all of this will eventually melt away and stop hurting you.

Taltos

OP - if you are still feeling just as lost 3 yrs later with no idea where to turn then I think you should seek the support of a counsellor.
You really need to verbalise and accept all of the hurt and pain you have gone through, personally I cannot imagine this. But from your post the pain is clear so please do go and seek help from someone who can really help you.

LegacyUser

hopskipjump wrote: »

Im just wondering if anyone else is in my situation. as an irish girl, i never imagined myself in this scenario.
i was seeing an indian man and we hoped to get married. after a very long and protracted struggle his parents forced him to go back to india - to separate us and they will force him into an arranged marriage. its almost 3 years later and im still trying to get my head around it, am trying to move on but am absolutely in bits. its very hard to contemplate a new relationship when the you have already met the one you want.

has anyone else experienced this? understandably, nobody in this part of the world really understands and they think im a totall idiot. one of the hardest things is that people assume that i was taken for a ride, its incredibly insulting to me, and regrading to relationship i had. it would really help to know that someone understands.

Yeah I can relate to that.

Can I ask you something ? For want of a better way of putting it - who do you blame ? Hmmm I mean what are your feelings towards your ex now ? Waht are your feeligns towards his family ?

LegacyUser

Really sorry to hear your story.

I'm not sure what I can offer, but since you ask if anyone else's experienced this, a few stories.

Firstly, I haven't (yet) experienced this myself, though it could potentially happen to me as my partner is of a very different background to me. But I have heard quite a few stories about it. It's not so common in Ireland yet as immigration is relativly new here, but does happen. Friend of a friend married a Japanese girl here in Ireland. She then went home for a short while just after the wedding. Her father couldn't accept the marriage and refused to let her return to Ireland. Sad story.

It's more common in the UK, Germany etc. I knew of a British couple who were both second generation immigrants from the Punjab. She was Muslim and he was Sikh. They'd been going out all through college and were living together when I met them while studying for my Masters. Another Sikh friend explained to me that neither of their parents knew of the relationship and that there was no possibility of them getting married as neither's parents would allow it. Another sad story.

I know you say that he was the one for you. But if you were really meant to be together, he wouldn't have left you. Unfortunatly, people get put in a position where they have to choose between their family/culture or their partner and his/her different culture. It's a very difficult position to be in, but ultimatly your BF made the decision himself to choose his family/culture over you. Although under great pressure, he was not "forced" to leave you - he chose to leave you. I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh or blunt, but I think you need to see it this way, as it might help you to move on.

And I certainly don't think you were "taken for a ride". You took a risk, as you must do in any relationship, and, unfortunatly, lost out. I do understand, and feel that you deserve happiness. I wish you all the best in your future and hope you do find the right person for you.