Problem with Brother - Feel Trapped

LegacyUser

I’m not sure why I’m writing this here. I’m not expecting any new solutions to this situation - I already know what I probably should do, but I just can’t do it. It’s too long to read anyway.

Yet again I have locked myself into my bedroom following a row with my brother, and I just can’t see a way out of this problem (that I can bring myself to take).

Bit of background: I’m in my late 20s, living at home with my parents and brother (mid 20s). I’m the only one in the house earning – I have a reasonably good job. My parents are retired and getting just the basic pension from social welfare. My brother is unemployed for years but not claiming any welfare etc – he wouldn’t apply. I pay the mortgage, bills etc.

What happened this time: I was sitting on my bed eating my dinner. (Note: I eat ALL my meals in my room. We live in a tiny house with just an open plan sitting room/dining area and a separate kitchenette downstairs. I NEVER enter the sitting room – just cook my food and live in my room. This is to avoid interaction with my brother and father as much as possible as it always seems to lead to arguments. So I keep to myself to avoid this.)
My brother was standing in the doorway chatting – a light hearted conversation about Club Orange (believe it or not), we were both laughing/joking. I told him he was wrong about something and he snapped. He screamed at me that I couldn’t talk to him like that. Then he stood over me with his fist clenched and his arm pulled back ready to punch – but visibly restraining himself from actually doing it. So he grabbed my plate and threw it at me and stormed off telling me he’d smash my face in and kill me. He did not hit me this time – he has before countless times over the years. My poor cat was sitting beside me and also ended up covered in food and terrified - I'm especially upset about this.

So now I’m sitting here with Bolognese all over me, my brand new laptop (literally arrived yesterday), bedclothes, the wall, the carpet etc. And I’m starving.
Why am I still sitting covered in Bolognese? Because the clean bed clothes and the hoover (to get the quorn mince pieces out of the carpet) are down in the sitting room. And if I go down there my father will start shouting at me for upsetting my brother. He may also hit me if we get into an argument about this – he has on several occasions. He says I should avoid talking to him altogether because when I do I always start a row. I do try, but the problem is if I actually ignore my brother he attacks me immediately calling me a rude bitch. So when he comes for a chat I try to be polite but not really engage in conversation properly, if possible. That’s the mistake I made this time.

So I’ll leave it til the middle of the night when they’re in bed to go down and get clean sheets and make some toast. I’ll hoover when they’re out tomorrow.

My mother is supportive of me – we get on great. But she won’t upset my brother because she feels he has mental problems and she is responsible for looking after him. For years she tried to get him help, but to no avail. He attended a psychologist in his early teens (when his behaviour was even worse) but at 16 they told him it was his choice to attend so he chose not to go. It’s been downhill since then.

I lived away for years – all through college. I moved home until I found a job after college and I’ve been stuck here ever since. I know I should move out – but I cannot afford to support myself and them while paying rent and the mortgage. I could not leave my mother in poverty – she has been a great mother and supported me through college. I owe her everything. I also have pets I could not leave behind – and it would be hard find somewhere suitable (3 cats). We have a dog too that officially belongs to my brother so I couldn’t bring him, but I feed/walk him and pay for his insurance and vet bills and would hate to leave him.

I know some may say I should get a safety order against my brother – I’ve seen it suggested here lots of times. But I couldn’t do that do my mam – she’d be devastated and it would only escalate the problems with my dad too. My brother would never stick to it anyway.

So basically I just wish I could suck it up, but I’m really fed up now. The only thing keeping me going is my job at this stage. I don’t want to row with my brother or father. I just want to be left alone. I’m no angel – just an ordinary person. I try hard not to voice opinions or argue etc, but I’m only human – all I did was disagree over whether Club Orange comes in a can or not – I never intended for or expected a row. If I won the lotto I would buy a house for myself and then give them the rest to live on themselves. I wish I could be free of all this.

tbh

my heart is breaking for you. There's nothing really I can advise you to do that I'm sure you haven't thought of already. All I can predict is that it'll get to a stage where you'll be forced to move out, or your brother will be forced to leave.

Anyway, fwiw. Sit your parents down and tell them that if they don't address the situation, you'll move out. that's really all you can do.

speedy2007

that is awful - i really feel for you. Have you got any relatives that maybe you could move in with for a while, that would (hopefully) mean you wouldnt have to pay full rent....just to get you out of that situation.

if you did move out, would your parents be entitled to any more assistance from the welfare with regards to the mortgage etc...? Maybe you could look into it, check with citizensinformation.ie

Your brother obviously needs some help, to lose his rag over something so small. He needs to see a professional, for his own sake and the rest of your familys.

It sounds to me , just from reading your post, that he has some mental issues. You say your mother thinks this too - well take her to a gp and explain your brothers behavior to the doctor. Get the doctor to explain the routes you could go down to your mother and the fact that most mental illnesses will not get better on their own. If she wont go, go yourself. I know you dont want to upset her, but ask her what she thinks will happen to him after her and your dad are gone -he'll likely end up in jail or worse. So its imperative she gets him the help he needs now. You and your family cannot and do not have to do this alone. If you could at the least put a name to whatever problem he might have, then at least youd have organisations that can help, other familes with the same issues etc to talk to - a support network if you will. Also being that your mother is his carer basically, she'd surely be entitled to further assistance.

I dont know if any of this will help, but im just trying to think of some avenues you could explore. Its not fair to you to have to live like this.

iguana

OP, you have to think of yourself and move out. Their mortgage and household situation isn't your responsibility. Find a place to live, you can do a search on daft for places that allow pets if you want to bring the cats. And tell your mother that she is welcome to stay with you whenever she wants a break. Having you to visit so she can get out of the house and not having you at home for your dad and brother to argue with will actually probably improve her life. You can attempt to give her some money when you have it spare so that she has some extra if you really want to.

You can not sacrifice your life like you are.

Carsinian Thau

This is awful really. You don't deserve this.

Talk to your parents and get them to address the situation. Threaten to move out if they don't. And if they don't, then you move out.

You have to think of yourself. You shouldn't have to live in fear of some 20-something year old waster being violent toward you (especially if it's your own brother).

It might be hard to leave your mother but it may need to be done. If nothing more, it might force your brother to cop himself on (and your dad too).

bambera

Does your mother know that both your father and brother hit you?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to hear some sense from people outside the situation.

Unfortunately, paying the mortgage and bills really is, at least for the moment, my responsibility. When I was in college my mother remortgaged, or partially at least, to help pay my expenses (rent, equipment etc) and also to get some decorating done at the same time. So it is partly my fault that the mortgage is where it is now. Both parents intended to keep working after retirment age but this has not been possible - Dad was in construction so that's gone down the tubes and Mam was made retire from a public service job at 65. She hoped to get some retail work but has not been successful in the recession.

My brother was extensively assessed as a teenager. My mam got him all sorts of help and supports. He was on medication for a while. Unfortunatley he chose not to continue with this treatment and support after the age of 16. He has not been able to keep a job as he loses his temper there too and over-reacts when somebody says something he doesn't like. He's no street angel/house devil - everyone knows what he is like. I suppose my mam is enabling him by supporting him.

My mam is aware that both my father and brother hit me. My father would not hit me regularly or out of the blue - it would be if I stand up to him in anyway. He doesn't see a problem with it - he is disciplining his badly behave child. He "washed his hands" of my brother years ago and had nothing to do with him for years. Ironically, they actually get on ok nowadays as they have similar interests.

Mam has, a few times, confronted my brother about his violence and told him he will have to leave if it continues. This usually sends him off in to a rage and he shouts and roars at her that I should be the one to leave, not him. She is afraid of where he would end up if he left - in jail or on the streets. I can understand her fears and I too would hate to see this happen to him despite everything.

bambera

Fed Up! wrote: »

My mam is aware that both my father and brother hit me. My father would not hit me regularly or out of the blue - it would be if I stand up to him in anyway. He doesn't see a problem with it - he is disciplining his badly behave child. He "washed his hands" of my brother years ago and had nothing to do with him for years. Ironically, they actually get on ok nowadays as they have similar interests.

Mam has, a few times, confronted my brother about his violence and told him he will have to leave if it continues. This usually sends him off in to a rage and he shouts and roars at her that I should be the one to leave, not him. She is afraid of where he would end up if he left - in jail or on the streets. I can understand her fears and I too would hate to see this happen to him despite everything.

There is no excuse for your father hitting you.

Like someone said previously in this thread, you need to encourage your mother to go to your GP and discuss the options regarding your brother, what happens if one day he goes too far and it's too late?

tinkerbell

There is no excuse for this whatsoever. If you are paying the mortgage and bills then you have a damn good say in the household. Your brother needs to leave if he's acting like this. Seriously, he's got serious violence issues. You shouldn't have to be afraid in the home that you are paying the mortgage for.

As for your father, WTF? Why is he hitting you as well? He sounds like he has serious anger management problems as well, tiz prob where your bro gets it from. As a matter of interest, are you a guy or a girl? I'm just wondering, like what happens one day if they go too far? Or hit your mother? You need to speak to somebody about this.

Ickle Magoo

You have to find a way out. It was your parents choice to fund your education and you are in no way obliged to put up with abuse from your brother or father as some kind of recompense for the choices your parents made.

Set aside a fund to pay them back & move out, you clearly love your mum very much but I'm sure she is not happy with the current situation either, can you speak to her about it? I would absolutely hate for a child of mine to put their life on hold so they can pay for me, their father and any siblings - what's the point of that education you are paying so dearly for if you don't get a chance to better your life?

Please speak to someone about what is going on, a relative, friend, Samaritans, whatever and get an alternative plan together.

Thinking of you.

LegacyUser

I know it will be hard but you need to sit down and have a conversation with your mother & father and discuss this situation. You are an adult in your late twenties and paying the mortgage so you need take an adult role in this conversation and not slip into the child role with them (which is so easy to fall back into with your parents, no matter what age you are).

Tell them calmly that this cannot continue a) you will not accept your father ever being physically or verbally violent towards you again b) as a family, you need to go to your GP & get help for your brother c) your brother needs to sort out whatever financial assistance he should be getting to help out with the bills.

If they are not prepared to do this, then tell them you that much as you love them, you will have no choice but to move out and this will impact your mortgage contributions. You cannot go on living your life the way you are now & need to put yourself first for a change. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry I'm somewhat shocked by your story. And puzzled by people's placid responses.

You are describing a moderate-to-severe serious domestic abuse situation. You need to get out of the house - take your mum with you if you think you should. You need to stop putting everyone else first and start looking out for yourself. If your brother or your dad are violent you need to involve the guards. I really don't see any role for sitting down and trying to have rational discussions so long as there is a threat of violence behind that.

Unfortunately, paying the mortgage and bills really is, at least for the moment, my responsibility. When I was in college my mother remortgaged, or partially at least, to help pay my expenses (rent, equipment etc) and also to get some decorating done at the same time. So it is partly my fault that the mortgage is where it is now.

I'm sorry no. Because your mum chose to do that she was choosing to try and give you a better future. Is that what you have right now ? YOU are not responsible for her decision. Furthermore, YOUR PARENTS are supposed to protect you. Your dad SHOULD be protecting you from your brother (and I'm sorry to say this but the fact that he hits you for upsetting your brother after your brother hits you - thats both sickening and pathetic). Your mum SHOULD be protecting you from both of them even if that means leaving with you. Perhaps this is less true given that you are an adult - but I presume this situation started when you were a child - yes ? You need to stop making excuses for people and stop suffering for everyone else's failings.

I know I should move out – but I cannot afford to support myself and them while paying rent and the mortgage. I could not leave my mother in poverty – she has been a great mother and supported me through college. I owe her everything. I also have pets I could not leave behind – and it would be hard find somewhere suitable (3 cats). We have a dog too that officially belongs to my brother so I couldn’t bring him, but I feed/walk him and pay for his insurance and vet bills and would hate to leave him.

Ok you are under NO obligation to support people who are abusing you - i.e. your brother and your dad. You can continue to support your mum without supporting the other two and taking all that crap. Well the pets thing is tough - but honey you and your mum are more important than the pets. And I'm sure you will eventually find places for them - or friends who will help etc etc


I'm sorry I feel for what you are going thru. I think you should certainly consult a GP and perhaps one of those domestic abuse support charities that exist. You are a grown adult. Paying to support your family. You should not be sitting in your room covered in bolognese because your are afraid to go get cleaned up. I tihnk you need to get out of this situation ASAP


I'm also wondering - do you have a life outside of the house and work? Do you have many friends ? Because I think now might be the time to turn to friends that you trust. It might be the hardest thing in the world but tell them what you are going thru and I'm sure they will help you however they can. What about aunts/uncles/cousins?

Just get help somehow. don't stay in that situation

SheRa

op that sounds shocking. you seem to just put up with this abuse, because thats what it is, because you are more worried about everybody than yourself. ok what about if/ when your brother seriously injures - or worse- your pets? because unfortunately i can see that happening.

you need to get out of that house. at least please talk to a aunt/uncle etc for advice. please.

Carsinian Thau

Just to focus on your brother for a minute:

As other posters have said, perhaps your mother should see a GP about him? He should probably be put back on some treatment. That might allow him to become able to hold down a job or to at least become more reasonable.

I don't mean to frighten you, but it seems like your brother may have a serious problem. What happens if he decides to attack you but isn't capable (or just plain doesn't) restrain himself? As a guy in his mid 20s, he may be too strong for any of you to deal with.


I think that if things don't settle down and your brother and father's behaviour toward you don't become acceptable, then you may just have to leave. For personal safety if nothing more.

Maybe, as another poster has suggested, you could try getting help from an aunt or an uncle?

LegacyUser

Right now the situation your in is the only one available until YOU change it. Your Brother will not change. Your father will not change. Your mother is allowing this to happen to you. She might be afraid to help you but she will not change that.


The only person who can get you out this mess is you.

Imagine not acting, not getting out from under you brothers/fathers control. In 10-30 years you will still be in that house, still afraid, still being abuse, still paying for these awful peoples existence, you wont have a love life stuck under that roof, do you think your brother/father would allow someone good in your life giving you strength to stand up to them?!

You have two options here, you or them. It is a very complicated situation with your mother involved but the choice is very simple. Chose your own life and happiness or chose to accept your life as it is right now. It wont change unless you change it.


Some practical advice on hoe to do this would be right now Get out of the house. Leave right now, find a place and move out, dont talk to them about it, go to the guards if you fear for your safety or that of your mothers. The financial side of things can be taken care after you are safe. You will be able to think more clearly about these issues when you are in a place that you can walk anywhere in your own home without fear. Finance.. social welfare, you brother is prob entitled to disability allowance, that could pay the mortgage. He will apply when he has too, GP etc. Ring the support groups, you are not alone, this is not your burden to bear.

LegacyUser

Ok, thanks for everyone’s opinions.

Just to clarify – when I say my brother (and sometimes my Dad) hit me, I don’t mean that they batter me or beat me – they give me a few thumps. I do not end up with black eyes or bleeding or anything – it’s not really bad like some women I have seen whose husbands beat them and leave them badly injured. Usually when he really loses control my brother will break objects – smash up my ipod, phone etc. He has never injured me in any visible way beyond a few bumps and bruises a couple of times.

Unfortunately I have other issues and problems that complicate things. I didn’t want to go into them in detail as I feel they’re separate issues but I think they are part of the reason my father is so against me.

Basically, I have failed to be what I was supposed to be and he finds that hard to accept. I did medicine in college and I loved it and had a great time with the people on my course. I moved home during the summer after graduating and was supposed to then do my intern year. During this time I became a bit depressed and found it increasingly hard to maintain “normality” around my friends. I felt I would not be able for working as a doctor and would not be good at it so I gave up medicine. I felt ashamed about this so I withdrew further. I stopped answering calls and texts and basically cut contact with my friends over time. I did not want to have to explain myself and I also did not want my problems to be a burden on them. I don’t have any friends at all now. This is my own fault – my choice really. I later began working in another area – it’s a decent job. I get on well on a superficial level with my colleagues – I’m sure they see me as friendly and cheerful. However, I am careful to keep my distance and am not close to any of them and have no contact with them outside work. We are not contact with other relatives – I don’t know them at all.

My mam has discussed options for my brother many times with both a gp and psychologist. They say that, as an adult, he must choose to seek help or treatment himself – he cannot be forced. Otherwise, the only way to address his violent behaviour is to put him out of the house or involve the gardai. My mother cannot bring herself to take these options.

Anyway, thank s for the opinions and advice. I will think about my options and try to work out a solution.

Busi_Girl08

Next time either of them lay a finger on you, ring the Gardai straight away.

Your father has absolutely no justification for it, and your brother needs to recognise his problems and get help before he does something really stupid.

They both need a wake up call, and that might be the only way to do it.

MizzLolly

First thing you should know is that you sound like a really sweet, really intelligent and really strong person. It's just such a pity that all of your positive points and all of your potential is being destroyed by the environment you're in. Your capabilities are being wasted on your family. You're far better than that and I can see that from just the few paragraphs you've written. You didn't go to med school and make it all the way to the top just to be hiding away in your bedroom tonight, too scared to move. Your parents chose to help you through college, just because you're not a practising doctor now does not mean that you've failed them. You have a job and you're holding the house together as it is. You owe your dad and brother nothing.

Aside from the violent incidents that upset you, it's very clear that the treatment you've been receiving has left a huge imprint emotionally. You've been depressed, you've withdrawn from your friends, you've got a civil but distant relationship with your colleagues, you've no other family to turn to. You're completely isolated in this horrible environment. I feel so bad for you, I really wish you could realise how admirable you are for taking your family under your wing. But there's a really unhealthy dependancy thing going on in here. They obviously know that they need you financially. By breaking you down and frightening and demeaning you so much, you've been pretty much emotionally disarmed by them. Your brother and your dad are both taking you for granted. They think you're not going anywhere and they can treat you however they want.

You've gotta be your own best friend now. You said in your post that you were most upset by your little cat being scared. What about you? You don't deserve to be abused and frightened this way either. You don't tolerate this treatment for your pet but you're willing to accept it towards yourself? Give yourself a break. Tell your mam how much you love her but show her how much this is breaking you up. You're a hard worker and a caring person, you need to get out now. Tell your mam your door's always open. But leave as soon as you can. You deserve to find yourself a life where you can come home to peace and affection, with someone who can take care of you aswell.

Good luck

martdalto

OP, pet, you are being abused. And worse you are making excuses, and explaining it away.

There are more types of abuse then the type that leaves you with a few bruises. You are being emotionally, financially and verbally abused too.

You are afraid to say anything for fear of upsetting your brother or dad.
You are afraid to go into certain rooms of your house.
You lock yourself into your room so as to avoid them.
You sit in dirt and mess (that your brother has thrown at you) until they are gone to bed, for fear of causing another argument if you try to clean yourself up.

CAN YOU NOT SEE, THAT THIS IS NOT NORMAL.... And please don't start making more excuses for them.

I'm guessing that your other problems that caused you to drop out of medicine, were also partly to do with your dad and brother.

"A few thumps" to an adult child is not acceptable. It's not acceptable to anyone, but you seem to be explaining it away, as your disappointed dad, disciplining you. You're in your late 20's... you don't need to be disciplined.. you're an adult.

Please, please, please... if you do nothing else about this please make 1 phonecall.. Call Women's Aid 1800 341 900. They will talk to you, tell you what some of your options are. They will listen, they will advise. They won't force you to do anything, but they will steer you in whatever direction you are comfortable with.

Please, please ring them.

Otherwise as someone else says, you will still be there 20, 30 years down the line.. you will be a 40 or 50 year old adult, still getting the odd thump from an elderly father and a violent brother. Please, you have a lot of life ahead of you yet...

Please ring Women's Aid 1800 341 900

LegacyUser

I moved home during the summer after graduating and was supposed to then do my intern year. During this time I became a bit depressed and found it increasingly hard to maintain “normality” around my friends.

OP don't you think there might be connection here between moving home to that environment and the onset of that depression ? You need to get out of that environment