number of partners

LegacyUser

just meet a reall nice guy. we are both 23. he has just told me he is a virgin. i have had 6 partners. should i tell him. will he think i am awful. is 6 really high . sorry for all the questiond but i reall am on tenderhooks

Liam Byrne

You are who you are; he is who he is. No-one else can judge.

If you gave something a shot 3 times in a year, over 2 years, and those didn't work out, then that number of partners is low, and it exists through no "fault" of your own.

Lux23

mary i wrote: »

just meet a reall nice guy. we are both 23. he has just told me he is a virgin. i have had 6 partners. should i tell him. will he think i am awful. is 6 really high . sorry for all the questiond but i reall am on tenderhooks

That's not high at all. Personally I have always been more jealous a long term serious realtionships a person has has then sexual partners.

LegacyUser

Maybe dont tell him until after you've had sex as otherwise he might feel under pressure.

petethebrick

6 is a completely normal amount of partners for age 23. If he asks tell him, if he doesn't don't bother. It's no big deal.

Taltos

Why is it not just enough to let him know you are not a virgin...

Getting into specifics for me is never a good move. If it was me I would be constantly wondering how I was comparing - but that is me.

6 though is not many - more than him - but so what? It only matters that you 2 have fun and enjoy each other... Leave the details (baggage) outside the door and out of your relationship.

LegacyUser

"Getting into specifics for me is never a good move. If it was me I would be constantly wondering how I was comparing - but that is me."

I did this and it does bother me at times, thinking what I'm like compared to the other guys, picturing her with them, how it all happened etc. It's not a healthy way to be

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I did this and it does bother me at times, thinking what I'm like compared to the other guys, picturing her with them, how it all happened etc. It's not a healthy way to be

Likewise with me. It's a pain in the arse to say the least and ive been trying to solve it for months now so you arent alone.

Your number is about the same as mine OP. It's not much at all compared to most. But if you are unusure of how he would react, best just lie and say you only had one or two partners. There's no harm lying about your past in terms of a number once you were safe with them.

LegacyUser

Do not lie about the number of partners you have had, if it comes out later it will just be messy.
Just do not tell him the number its in the past & thats that.

Terodil

I dunno. While I can fully understand the position of 'never ask, never tell', and see the benefits of it, a part of me also thinks that in a (serious) relationship, you should be able to deal with your partner's past fully. That means accepting them for who they are, and I'd feel cutting something out because it may cause friction is not really the best way to go about setting up a relationship, esp. if there's a chance of it coming out later. It's better to tackle problems head-on than trying to just block them out. That's what my OH and I did, and it worked. TBH I have much more trust in her because she's honest with me than I'm worried about her "past" (nothing exceptional really, just me being the inexperienced one vs. her with some experience... I'm not even thinking about it any more).

Whatever approach you pick, OP, I don't think you even have a problem. 6 partners isn't a freaky number at all.

Edit/PS: Obviously I don't need to know every detail. I'm not interested and I don't want to know. I was just talking about the general idea and 'number'.

LegacyUser

i think that 6 is too many for a 23 year old. people need to be more discerning. your new man wont think too well of you because of your high number

LegacyUser

Don't listen to that person saying that six is too high, what is too high is for you to judge. I feel that the number of people you have slept with is absolutely your business, once you know that you won't be putting any new partner at risk of infection then you've every right to keep it to yourself.

Anyone worth keeping around won't care about your past, and if you don't want to share the figure then tell them so. I haven't shared my number with my partner and he hasn't shared his with me. We both know that we love each other for who we are, not our sexual history. Just because you are going out with someone doesn't mean that you have to share your past completely, you are still a whole person and you don't have to hand over every detail of your past to someone else. You can still have your own past to yourself and have a healthy relationship in my view.

OS119

Unregistered wrote: »

i think that 6 is too many for a 23 year old. people need to be more discerning. your new man wont think too well of you because of your high number

6 is not a big number for a 23 yo, bright, attractive person with social skills. its actually a very low number.

it might be a big number for ugly, shy people with no social skills and paralysing confidence, security and 'what other people think' issues, but i tend not to use those people and their ideas as a benchmark.

personally OP, i'd be rather more concerned about your OH, i mean, have he been living in a cave? how can you get to 23, be 'boyfriend material' and never connected, even for one night, with anyone?

does he have 'issues' about sex/relationships which are perhaps the real problem, not how many partners you've had?

prinz

OS119 wrote: »

personally OP, i'd be rather more concerned about your OH, i mean, have he been living in a cave? how can you get to 23, be 'boyfriend material' and never connected, even for one night, with anyone?

does he have 'issues' about sex/relationships which are perhaps the real problem, not how many partners you've had?

Perhaps he just has higher standards.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Perhaps he just has higher standards.

Or had fewer opportunities. Large number of partners doesn't mean you have low standards.

OP, 6 really isn't that many at all - and anyone who judges you for it isn't worth being with.

However, it's really none of his business how many people you have slept with. If he asks, tell him you'd rather not say since he's a virgin, and you don't want to make him uncomfortable. Reassure him and say it's a low number, but you don't think it should matter, so you don't want it to be an issue.

Terodil

prinz wrote: »

Perhaps he just has higher standards.

shellyboo wrote: »

Or had fewer opportunities. Large number of partners doesn't mean you have low standards.

Or just wasn't interested. Having had no/few partners doesn't mean you're an unattractive autist.

OS119 wrote: »

6 is not a big number for a 23 yo, bright, attractive person with social skills. its actually a very low number.

it might be a big number for ugly, shy people with no social skills and paralysing confidence, security and 'what other people think' issues, but i tend not to use those people and their ideas as a benchmark.

personally OP, i'd be rather more concerned about your OH, i mean, have he been living in a cave? how can you get to 23, be 'boyfriend material' and never connected, even for one night, with anyone?

does he have 'issues' about sex/relationships which are perhaps the real problem, not how many partners you've had?

It really boggles my mind to see people who (rightly, IMO) advocate the 'it's your own business' line turn around right after delivering that sentence and then go on and on about how he should have had more sex and that he must be a terribly insecure, ugly, sexually challenged, [...] man. I mean honestly, don't you realise the contradiction?

But listen to Shellyboo:

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, 6 really isn't that many at all - and anyone who judges you for it isn't worth being with.

+1 M.

I mean, I wouldn't come out with it straight at the start if I felt uncomfortable with it, but I do believe that when you are committed, love each other etc, there is a time in the relationship when this kind of veil can/should be lifted. You should be able to love and accept the entire person, not just the person in the present tense. We all have spots in our pasts that we'd rather not mention. But it's the acceptance of the whole person, including their history, weaknesses, and faults that is one of the secrets of true love. IMO.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Or had fewer opportunities. Large number of partners doesn't mean you have low standards.

You know that wasn't what I was angling at. My point was there could be any number of reasons he hadn't slept with anyone yet. Maybe he was waiting for the right person etc.. maybe he's painfully shy etc. Perhaps he didn't have that many relationships, perhaps he's not into one night stands - plenty of people aren't.

Once again we see someone with 6 partners described as 'normal' - choose your own way, do what's right for you etc, whereas someone with none simply must have had issues.

Terodil wrote: »

Or just wasn't interested. Having had no/few partners doesn't mean you're an unattractive autist.
It really boggles my mind to see people who (rightly, IMO) advocate the 'it's your own business' line turn around right after delivering that sentence and then go on and on about how he should have had more sex. I mean honestly, don't you realise the contradiction?

Bingo. Same thing everytime this kind of thread comes up.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Once again we see someone with 6 partners described as 'normal' - choose your own way, do what's right for you etc, whereas someone with none simply must have had issues.

Someone with 6 partners IS normal... as is the person with none. Why? Because there is no normal! Nobody should be trying to justify their number to anyone!

Partizan

OS119 wrote: »

6 is not a big number for a 23 yo, bright, attractive person with social skills. its actually a very low number.

it might be a big number for ugly, shy people with no social skills and paralysing confidence, security and 'what other people think' issues, but i tend not to use those people and their ideas as a benchmark.

personally OP, i'd be rather more concerned about your OH, i mean, have he been living in a cave? how can you get to 23, be 'boyfriend material' and never connected, even for one night, with anyone?

does he have 'issues' about sex/relationships which are perhaps the real problem, not how many partners you've had?

I think you are way too harsh here on her boyfriend. I was in the same position as him when I was his age. I was 23 when I lost my virginity (1 night stand to a student) and as far as I was concerned there was nothing wrong with me. I'm good looking and work out but for a few years I was really unlucky with girls. I can think of at least half a dozen times between 18 & 23 y.o. when I did get the opportunity to get into a relationship but something always popped up to conspire against me. I lost numbers - didnt have a mobile then, an ex showed up, got dumped, didnt work out etc. It also didnt help when the women in my town were stuck up. I was cursing my luck.

Then one Saturday night I met a nice girl from Monaghan who was in town for the weekend, we hit it from there and at the end of the night I ended up popping my cherry. She was a couple of years younger than me but had plenty of experience in the sack. I told her that I was a virgin just before we did the deed. She was very understanding and told me to relax and she took the tempo.

After that night it was a huge albatross had lifted off my back. After that my luck changed and I have never looked back.

OP, just be understanding to your boyfriend. Be considerate and go with the flow.

lee_arama

What constitutes a partner here? Someone who was longterm? Or just another proverbial notch?

Personally one of those is a low number for me, while the other is a tad bigger...

In his day and age you're unlikely, as a virgin, to meet another virgin, fall in love, and live happily ever after. As much as that sounds wonderfully romantic you need to be aware that people have pasts, or are concerned with YOUR past. So long as the two of ye click, then why worry? Just be aware of any personal discomforts which have arisen and try and be sympathetic should either of ye voice a concern.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Someone with 6 partners IS normal... as is the person with none. Why? Because there is no normal! Nobody should be trying to justify their number to anyone!

Missing the point I was making again Shelly . It was a response to OS119's sterling character appraisal based on the fact the lad is 23 and a virgin.

GigaByte

Why would you tell him? and how on earth is anyone here going to know what he will think. What makes you think hes going to want to know anyway? Can't you make your own mind up without having to ask?

How do you think this will make him feel

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

Missing the point I was making again Shelly . It was a response to OS119's sterling character appraisal based on the fact the lad is 23 and a virgin.

I know, I'm agreeing with you...

LegacyUser

The problem I found (and possibly still having trouble with) is that I am the one without any experience and the OH has. I don't think I'd have any issues with numbers or any of that stuff if I had not been a virgin myself.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

The problem I found (and possibly still having trouble with) is that I am the one without any experience and the OH has. I don't think I'd have any issues with numbers or any of that stuff if I had not been a virgin myself.

Experience is vastly overrated.

1. Everybody ticks differently so what may have worked on previous partners may not work with the current one.

2. Exploring together is so much fun, much better than knowing exactly 'what button to press'.

3. You'll get experience soon enough.

So why worry? Enjoy discovering uncharted lands!

lovepink

I wouldnt say anything at all. There is no need and I feel it would only leave him feeling nervous. You should just tell him that yes you have experience but not so much that he sould feel intimidated;)